Heed The Slighted by Nine - Horror - Sam was tired of following the Golden Rule. (PG) - pdf, format

This is different, not sure what to make of some parts.

I think you can easily chop 4 pages off and still maintain the essence of the story.

A lot of the chit-chat in the office can be cut.  I see the theme of light/fire going on a lot here.  It's good that you've got Sam to conduct his revenge as such on the drill day, something I've thought of before.  But it didn't feel like a complete resolution of a story.  I think there should be more contact with the people he doesn't like rather than the people that likes him.

All the best,


Javier

I got I to it this one! It has that offbeat, quirky feel to it, bordering on satire.

The action paragraps at the start ad a bit awkward but the dialogue flows, and the office exchanges were done well.

Yeah, so overall, good effort!

Carrie meets Office Space.  I like the idea of Sam giving his co-workers the full blast, but -- spoiler here -- didn't understand why he felt the need to kill himself.  Thought he had made some kind of connection with Julie.  Maybe he was so incensed by her engagement, it set him off.  But I never felt enough emotion from Sam to root for him in any way.  Also, I may have missed it, but who is Jan?  The name is mentioned twice, but I didn't get the reference.

Quoted from Ryan1 Carrie meets Office Space.  I like the idea of Sam giving his co-workers the full blast, but -- spoiler here -- didn't understand why he felt the need to kill himself.  Thought he had made some kind of connection with Julie.  Maybe he was so incensed by her engagement, it set him off.  But I never felt enough emotion from Sam to root for him in any way.  Also, I may have missed it, but who is Jan?  The name is mentioned twice, but I didn't get the reference.

RL,  I think the Jan is just a rhyme with hand, a bit of humour.  The author could be an Aussie perhaps as there was a well known ad on TV a few years back, and this lady is pissed off cos she didn't make the Yellow pages listing deadline. And she says 'Not happy, Jan'. It became quite popular and everyone said it, lol

You Seppos sometimes miss the joke, don't ya? Lol

Okay, reread it and didn't realize that Sam actually overheard Ryan when he made the joke about Jan being the name of his right hand.  Kinda doubt the author's an Aussie, considering the Massachusetts address on the title page.  But thanks for the insight Stevie you feral root rat.

Very odd writing style here that sure doesn't work for me.

This is so overwritten, but not so much in terms of details (yes, it is overwritten with unnecessary details), but moreso based on "the voice" being used here.  Some may enjoy this, but I detest it, sorry to say.

Orphans, typos, poorly broken passages, too long passages, etc.  Not my cup of tea at all, sorry to say.  I'm out.

Congrats on completing a script for this OWC.

Heed the slighted

Logline - bit short, lacks bite, but at least it's not a load of waffle

I did laugh at the lack of name but the address is there

First line....'but wait'... Got me chuckling as well
Oh my giddy aunt you had me laughing.... 'We spread wide'  oh boy not sure I can take much more of this
Older... Than what? Is his the voice, then just say so

If you 'insert' you need to 'back to scene'

Finished

The end didn't quite work for me. He is bullied, feels remote but has a friend in Julie. He decides to kill them, and himself - not sure on that one - as revenge. What's up with his mother?

Why a fire at work? A few things left unresolved.

Grade d+/c-

Interesting read. I am curious though what your logline means by "following the Golden Rule". The plot itself was quite interesting...but I do agree with some of the comments above that your descriptions could be parred down quite a bit. Nonetheless, it was an interesting direction you went with. Says quite a bit about Sam's character and his relationship with Julie. Script still needs work, but a decent read nonetheless

Quoted from SilvaSly104 Interesting read. I am curious though what your logline means by "following the Golden Rule". The plot itself was quite interesting...but I do agree with some of the comments above that your descriptions could be parred down quite a bit. Nonetheless, it was an interesting direction you went with. Says quite a bit about Sam's character and his relationship with Julie. Script still needs work, but a decent read nonetheless

Silva Sly - I believe the golden rule taught in many religions in some form or another is “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”.

Writer,

This is obviously well written. Your action got a bit wordy but I stuck with it. And I liked your dialogue, especially the "goodnight, Jan" line. Your use of asides got a little annoying, as there were many of them, but some of them seemed to fit, actually.

However, I'll take a pass on this one regarding the challenge. No horror to be found here.

Congrats on entering, though!

Steve

The over abundance of asides really held me back here. It got to the point where it seemed like unfilmables were occurring on a paragraph by paragraph basis. I get that there’s having a ‘voice’, but this is too much by my estimation.

On a positive note a lot of your dialogue worked well. It was a breeze to read through compared to the action lines. I liked the idea of everyone ignoring the fire alarm because of the test notice. But even there, the significance of that is only stated in an unfilmable aside at the end. It would show up nowhere if filmed.

I don’t mean to sound too harsh, it was just a major hurdle for me.

Good luck going forward and congrats for completing the challenge.

Quoted Text But wait, it’s not alone.

Wait...why not just write me five candles?

Quoted Text "As..."

Okay. If nothing else, the As so-and-so does action thing is a bit too much. All you need is said character doing such action in the present tense, and other characters doing thier thing. Way too many "as's" It's pulling me out all too quickly.

Quoted Text The room is dark compared to the rest of the building. Could be the addition of the cheap blinds on a smaller window.

Overwritten.
Cheap blinds darken the room. or something to that effect.

How old is Amanda? (p6)

Quoted Text A nearly 10" flame bursts upon the wick, before retreating to its normal, tamer, 1" height

Now you tagged my number one pet peeve, and despite the inventiveness of this concept you have, I'll be darned if I let it slide. If you are going to write, STOP using shorthand, abbriviations and in the above quoted, write out the words instead of (shorthand) symbols. In this case, the word inch.

Quoted Text but those, unwilling, victims on the upper floors find out too late; this is not a test.

One too many commas and semi-colons. This causes pauses in the read- even if it is at the end - and it looks awkward.

I didn't hate this, it was fair. Should you keep it around and improve on it? Without question. But this screamed to be much better. Nice effort in a OWC though.

There were parts of this I liked and parts I didn't. I agree with the others on the writing - it's good, but way overdone with asides.

This felt like a disturbing little tale you wanted to write about Sam and I liked that, and the revenge thing, but something in the story just felt off for me. Whether it was the killing himself or how magic tied into it, or maybe my expectations on witchcraft tying into it to make a bigger bang since Sam had obviously stated to the others that he was a warlock.

Plus when it comes down to it, this really didn't play out as a horror at all. The intent was there with the fire, but it never actually happened.

Good effort though.

Renee

As said earlier, some of the writing in the beginning is a tad awkward and hard to read.

Only stopping my reading to make one comment: subconsciously twists her ring...This really irks me. It should be unconsciously. The word subconscious should basically never be used. (sorry Psychology major coming out in me)

Wow I thought the writing in this was excellent. This is definitely another contender. The writing got better as it went along. A lot of unfilmables, maybe a bit too much, but for the most part I thought they helped the flow and understanding of the story.

The ending was excellent. Mostly the ending and how the fire alarms tie in together make this a contender for me. This was great.

A single candle flame. But wait, it’s not alone. We spread wide to include at least five other candles in various stages of life set on an old dresser, all thick with cascades of spent wax along their sides. -- This is overwritten and you've included a camera direction. I read a bit further to see if it was important that we know exactly how many candles are on the dresser and I didn't see any reason for it. So why write all of that if it isn't important?

Several candles in various stages of life are set on an old dresser. -- (the phrase "various stages of life" gives us the visual you repeat by describing the cascade of wax)

The flames illuminate walls of old, yet beautiful, woven tapestries. The light finds its way to a bed with an old, yet beautiful, woman - the man’s MOTHER. -- Did you repeat this description on purpose?

I'm at the end of page 6 and nothing is happening. Just a lot of talking. Too much for a story that has to wrap up in 10 pages.  

Okay, story wise it was pretty good. I'm just not nuts about the writing style. Too many writer intrusions IMO. And overwritten, lots of details that don't move your story forward. Stuff like that slows the reader down and your story loses its impact.

Congrats on a good entry for this OWC.

I like the way the title went along with the story and your main character. It's sort of a revenge thing.

One thing I did not get...is why have the scenes with his mother? It doesn't tell us anything except he lives at home and his mother is a drunk. They didn't do anything for the story IMO.

So because Julie was his only friend from the office...he saved her by telling her to come in late.

Well, I think this needed to get going a lot faster. I think you could've showed more with the humiliation/coworkers because there wasn't a lot to warrant him burning them all up IMO.

Good job completing an OWC.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.

Heed the slighted

Hello!
The bullied underdog and also warlock takes revenge. Quite nice idea!
Sam was a little bit too passive IMO. His depressions could be shown more visible.

I'm missing the connection to his mother regarding to the witchcraft. Why is she there in the script anyway? To show him as mommas-boy is not enough.

The ending didn't work IMO. He's resistant of fire as warlock. Not that I don't like the idea of a depressive warlock, but, it's not established that fire can kill him at least.

There's too much room which makes the ending implausible. Show us his death agony or invest before in your story, to establish his weakness in case of fire. You kill him by his own only magic-ability. That way it's not enough, but still a good advance to show a depressive warlock. Thank you for that fresh impression.

I'd admit I like the story here.  The writer asks for an emotional connection for the protagonist and achieves it.  The opening sequence is also not unnecessary as it leads to more clues into Sam's motives.  His decision at the end felt appropriate, I thought the ending was solid.

As far as the writing goes, it needs work in the screenwriting aspect.  I'm sure everyone can argue unfilmables and overwriting all day, but I'm starting to understand that some of the rules can be broken if you can justify it through the elements of your story.

"But wait, it's not alone."

You did achieve the visual you were going for.  But at what expense?  You immediately affected the tone of your script.  Not only did it affect tone, it turns the candles from prop to symbol.  But was the symbol strong enough to remember?  I might ask myself if it could have been a candle for each victim and a single candle for Sam?  If so, brilliant -- but that image should align itself with the last picture we see in order to blow our minds.

"Old, yet beautiful"

Another way to spice up the description.  But I wonder does old define the things you are modifying?  In addition, you used the same description twice in the passage.  It's repetitive for a screenplay, maybe even literature.  What I'm trying to say is a comparison like that needs to be presented more visual for the audience to grasp the comparison on screen, and old, yet beautiful would never be discovered in the way you desire.

The fragment sentences feel like a way for this to break into a screenwriting vibe.  I feel you should of stuck with what comes natural.

"A little soft around the middle, and maybe a bit soft in the head as well."

Nice attempt at some stylish description.  You should use a more cohesive approach closer in the timeline, probably within the same passage, to clarify this more.

Big kudos to the writer here.  You took a lot of chances, sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't.  I enjoyed it!

Johnny

I'll start off by saying why I stopped reading this one. It was actually the second sentence which gave me a red flag "But wait, it’s not alone." Personally, I think this reads very poorly in context to the whole paragraph. I get it's a style thing but I'm really not sure why you didn't just write there were five candles. The writing itself isn't bad but it is overwritten in the sense you put in details which really don't matter. I think I stopped when I saw the same description twice " an old, yet beautiful, woman" and "old, yet beautiful, woven". It just felt lazy.

Anyway, onto the script:

"the man’s" Which man? The voice? We haven't seen him yet so it's best to avoid  referencing him.

Try and avoid 5 line paragraphs.

"A slender woman, JULIE, late 20s, laughs at
something one of the young suits, RYAN, also late 20s, says." Very awkward, the sentence drags on for far too long.

I like how you structured the email in the action. Good stuff.

Dialogue ventures between well written and poorly written, it's not as worse as some other entries but still. I'd look into it, especially the exchange on the fourth page.

"Ryan, he must have said sorecock...
from all the masturbating he does." lol, it's lame but I like it.

Finished. You know, surprisingly, this does get better the more you read. I enjoyed it actually, the writing needs an edit but I can see a specific style that flows through which is a good sign. Dialogue stumbled in a few places but that wasn't too bad either. A little manipulative with Julie's storyline and the convenient fire email thing but besides that, this was fine. The Mother part was intriguing but it didn't really go anywhere, unless I missed something. A good effort.

Grade: C+/B-

EDIT: Fucked up the name of the main character BAD! Not sure how. I did read this yesterday but that doesn't explain it. Apologies to the writer if they've seen this already.

Last round here.

Eh. I thought this was okay. Not bad but certainly not great. Very morose but not in particularly hard hitting way. The ending is tragic, sure, but not much else.

I'm split on the character of Julie. On the one hand, she does reach out to Sam. She doesn't have to and he doesn't seem to much want/need her help. But she offers it anyway. On the other hand, she's a few hairs away from being coming off as lecturing and perhaps needlessly condescending. Not really sure why.

I think Sam's mother is sort of unnecessary. She's a drunk, I guess, but other than make Sam sort of sad (which we really can only infer), I don't see how it makes his life more challenging. I mean, if she were a mean drunk, critical, abusive, etc., or out of control in such a way that Sam struggles to take care of her, it'd work a little better. But as of now, her presence feels like just an extra, interchangeable dimension of sad to Sam and the story in general.

The ending is okay but I'm not sure I buy it. I mean, all the effort it takes to create a single 10 inch flame, I don't see how Sam could pull something of this magnitude off. He could start a fire somewhere off to the side and wait for it to build but then people would get out for sure. Also, he wouldn't need magic to do that.

The writing is very indulgent, often taking the piss out of what's happening onscreen by blatantly spelling it out. This is especially the case at the end when you spell out that Sam's a victim by choice. Could've just let us infer all that.

All I have to say on this one, really.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

16. Heed The Slighted by Nine - Horror - Sam was tired of following the Golden Rule.
Brief - 30yo worker ant succumbs to teasing, destroys office and bad co-workers

Location(s)  - Old house bedroom 2x, kitchen, Office lobby, office, corridor, break room
Cast - 7
Protagonist(s)  -  
JULIE, late 20s
Antagonist(s)  -
SAM, 30s, soft in form and mind
MOM, assume 30yrs older than SAM, drunk pagan
RECEPTIONIST
RYAN, also late 20s
SUIT #2
AMANDA
Genre & Marketability - Drama w/ slight witchcraft tacked on. Lovely poignant story, but no one's going to want to see this middle aged, sophomoric tale - except other victims.
Comments  -  "The flames illuminate walls of old, yet beautiful, woven tapestries. The light finds its way to a bed with an old, yet beautiful, woman" Don't do that. Too many "yets" on each other's heels. Novely descriptions of waaaay too much immaterial detail detract rather than add to the screenplay. (FWIW, when I first started writing screenplays I wrote just like this and it took FOREVER for me to learn to brutally cut down my novely descriptions.)
"SAM, a man in his mid to late 30s. A little soft around the middle, and maybe a bit soft in the
head as well; It's too soon to tell." Cut this to "SAM, 30s, soft in form and spirit." Okay, burning up a building could be done in After Effects, but it looks cheezy on a budget. And this really isn't a horror story. It's drama with some witchcraft tacked on.
Script format - fair. Gotta pare down those descriptions
Final word - Nice, but missable.

$1,000 - $2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.2               Screenplay Pages
= $108 - 216           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yep
Horror - Nope