A pagan propoganda piece, complete with a wiccan version of the Hippocratic Oath. Pretty cool, and oh-so-modern. No horror to be found though. Still, good job on the premise.

A good little story, but incomplete. There's a scene missing, or the last page needs to be extended a bit to show what Paul does next. His character is in mid-arc, it needs to land somewhere.

Solid writing overall, though I found the church laying on of hands a bit awkward.

Just a bit more would make this satisfying. Give it the ending it deserves.

Good job.

I like this very much, but would have liked much more because it feels like "Horror Lite" right now. Specifically...

Iris started the fires (and ended them) to demonstrate her powers as a witch without harming anyone, but I think the story might have been more horrific if she did many other things too.
Perhaps snakes coming out of the preachers mouth, morphing Paul into a demon, etc. and then return them to normal.

All things considered, quite a story for so few pages.


To any and all:
If you're interested and just for fun, here's a link to 9 Horror Films, each under 9 minutes.

http://theweek.com/article/ind.....amp;utm_medium=email

I thought the relationship between Paul and Iris was great.  I took something away from this, and by the end I could completely connect with Iris's feelings.  This is quite crafty for the length and I'm pretty stoked about the juxtaposition between the two.

It shows the motives and feelings behind two beliefs.  Iris was more free and spontaneous while Paul was more reserved and conservative.  What made this come to life was the reaction of both.  I mean, you got Paul who went out of his comfort zone to please someone he loves.  But then we see him attach himself to his Christan family as his comfort zone, which brings out his true feelings toward Iris.

Iris held a more reactive consequence to her betrayal, and it came across just like that -- a reaction.  She didn't force the issue for revenge, but rather emotion.

I respect the techniques here.  Many elements woven through in 5 pages.  Bravo!

Johnny

I could have done without the pentagram on the title page. Always makes me think I'm going to read a rip off of something.
There's another script that mentions Hecate. Isn't that from the bit of Macbeth they usually cut?
The pages did fly by. I though the bit in the church would have worked better if it had happened at the end of the service.
It does lack horror but I liked it.

Interesting piece. Good atmosphere -- although yes, there was more than a tip to Carrie. Would have liked more than just five pages.

Smooth writing -- very easy on the eye.  The idea came across well for the page count though for me the space was there to at least give Michael a little more to make him stand out.  

I guess the message at the heart of this dampened the horror, but you took the road less travelled so kudos for that.

Nicely handled overall, just surprised it wasn’t fleshed out a touch more.

Decent writing - but a very light story here.  And the funny thing...anyone who knows me is aware that I'm *completely* not religious.  Yet the black and white juxtaposition of the "good witches" vs. the "evil" Christians actually bothered me a bit.  It just seemed too simplistic. (With a touch of Carrie tacked onto the end!)  

Still, cheers on submitting to the OWC.  It definitely was a clean read...  

--Janet (W)

Oh - and though it's of course a no-no - I liked the Pentagram and the copyright on the title page!

Right off the bat, I like the set up. The shot of suburbia was important to let us know it was modern times. Even though I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, I like that already the script is seeming fantastical. Gives it more of a cinematic feel.

Would like to make a note of good dialogue so far. Nicely written.

Wow this was really well written. Some unfilmables which people may point out, if they haven't already. I personally don't mind them though, think they help the screenplay as long as they aren't too wordy.

Once again dialogue was good, and I liked the ending. Even though it was kind of anti-climatic it fits with the name and shows some character.

This also makes Christian's look pretty horrible, even though the new Pope is pretty tolerant. I am not Christian by the way.

Well done. This was quick, easy and fun read for me.

Not amazing, not horrible. I would have liked understanding why Paul left her to the wolves of the congregation so easily. Was he faking his love for her the whole time?

Couple of structure comments:
Try to refrain from sluglines saying "morning". Stick with Day or Night unless something much more particular about the time is necessary to the story.

One exclamation point is enough 95% of the time - when they are needed at all. Three exclamation points are too much anytime. It was a virtual exclamation point festival by the end, which I found distracting.

Good effort overall.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Harm none, do as ye will

Hello!

Not sure about, if you wanted to show a real deep critical view on Christian society or just saw a motive/world for your script here. IMO the time is too short to do such an effort. It's also an old hat. It's safe to write about intolerance inside religion.

In a society critiquing scripts you have to come with some new stuff. Long researches etc. are very important.

It was a good story, no doubt, I've also identified with the characters, good development here,
I did not caught fire, because of the ending sequence. Seen too often. Nothing new.

Solid work

I liked this a lot and it's written very well. I liked the Carrie vibe, but was glad the Paul and the others didn't end up dead.

Although, I have to agree with Jeff when it comes to the challenge - not met.

But great effort in five pages. I definitely felt for Iris.

Renee

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

37. Harm None Do As Ye Will by Twenty-Eight - Horror - Even though opposites attract, it doesn't always mean they can live in peace and harmony.
Brief - Free spirit and stick in the mud detonated the opportunity with a cast of thousands!

Location(s)  - Suburb street, forest (burn permit), car interior, church
Cast -
TRICK OR TREATERS 6X
HIGH PRIESTESS, long flowing hair
IRIS, 17
PAUL, 17
Genre & Marketability - Too expensive to cast.
Comments  -  The cover should be nothing but Courier 12pt, all caps title w/o underline, no embellishments. I'm gonna cut that opening scene for budget. Efff meeeee. You know I gotta get the fire dept. out to supervise that sort of bon-fire, right? I'm deducting that cost from your screenwriter's pay. Oh, BITE ME! How much money can you spend on the first GD page?! 3/4 of the way down and we've ditched the trick or treaters, ditched the bon-fire and hippies and Shakespearian high priestess, and have gone to stick-in-the-mud Paul's car. Out on pg3. Blew my budget witha  cast of thousands. Ciao. Too many locations and too many cast members  are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Can't afford to produce

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -