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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Good Girl - OWC
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  Author    Good Girl - OWC  (currently 2619 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Good Girl by Thirty-Two - Horror - When a teenage girl uses her powers as a witch for good, she must deal with the bad response from her parents. (reader cautioned) - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, well written.  My biggest gripe however was that this didn't read at all like a horror piece.  For me this had black comedy written all over it.  The tone with the family, the boldly represented "Academy of Lucifer", even the animal sacrifice part just seemed a bit humorous (I must be messed up in the head).

I almost got a weird Harry Potter from hell kind of vibe from it but towards the end, it did darken up.  It still was a good read but as far as hitting the horror parameter, it didn't do it for me.  Great job either way.

Johnny


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with John, this isn't horror...it's more comedy.

Writing-wise, lots of mistakes, sorry to say.  Passive writing, "we hear" or the like, typos, awkward writing, etc.  There's also some good writing on display, so I wonder if this was a rush job and no editing was done?

Slugs aren't good, and some even change - "ALL AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL" becomes "LUCY'S SCHOOL", but in reality we find out later the school is named " THE LUCIFER ACADEMY FOR YOUNG WITCHES & WARLOCKS".  All Slugs need attention, and "SAME" isn't a correct time element to use.

As much as the lack of true horror upsets me, there's something here that shows a great imagination and creativity, with the back and forth between several different settings/scenes.  It's also just goofy enough to be enjoyable.

Good job.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was okay. Some of this is so over-the-top it seems more like a dark comedy than horror. But I enjoyed it.

Not much to criticize. Keep sluglines consistent, like previously mentioned. Good job completing the OWC...

Will
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pale yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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This was very well written. Cute idea....it's horror enough for me I guess with the first two kills...You got some good comedy in there too Through the middle it had a Harry Potter feel to it IMO.

There's no FADE OUT. I did not like the cat killing at the end...

Very nicely done...


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rendevous
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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There's a lot of good work and ideas here. It struck me as a fairly original idea, albeit a kind of reverse of some other horror films. I won't name them, lest I spoil it for others. Nevertheless, it's rare to read something that feels as original as this.

"More tattoos than teeth" thoroughly amused me. A very strong image.

Some bits I didn't like. I frown as "we" as in "we hear".
I'm all for a bit of telling now and again. But it has to be sparse.
I found "Now she tries the “nice parent” routine" a bit much. Her dialogue just after this said as much.

Overall, I enjoyed this script. Some good writing here.

I found the end was the only thing that didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was expecting something else but I think this could have had a much better ending in line with what went before.
Nevertheless, a damn good script.

R


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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi - good entry, got straight into the action. Early on, I felt a little dialogue from Lucy was needed. I'm guessing with the names, Stan was S(a)tan, and Lucy-fer, and evil Opal (historically)?

I like the stuff with the kitten in the classroom - worked well with the feel - it all has a light comedic touch to it.

My only problem was that it didn't really seem to have an ending?

That aside, a good entry.
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Mystery and horror on the 1st page. 1st scene I'm already thinking what the hell? The dialogue - "You're not bad" after all dad has done for school. What? That was different and i loved how that unfolded and developed.

A lot of violence early with a gleeful maniac. Creepy. Peverse torture. But it's all done in that black comedy kinda way. The villain you love to hate type. Stan's dialogue for the most part was delightful. Funny. Evil. A good satan. The dark religious aspects were unsettling but appropriate considering historical context.

I loved the idea of setting this in a sort of dark Hogwarts,  like TRUE BLOOD  bit Harry Potter.

By the end this entry was more focused on the comedy. I think with the challenge parameters the humour should compliment not take over the horror. The end was a let-down because I enjoyed the way there so much. I loved Stan, he was a really good villain.  Maybe change the climax to carnage or force daughter to kill parish? Or she challenges her father? To the death. Just so much promise it needed that equal ending to balance it out.

Really good. Uneven ending. Great villain. Good dialogue.  Daughter was interesting contrast. I just wished it was pushed further.


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LC
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Ah, the Devil has wit.

I'm not long into this one and lines like the following: 'One one thousand...'  put a smile on my face. It's a clever characterisation trick to do this when diametrically opposed to what's happening in the visual so, well done on that.

For the most part this flows well - couple of hiccups in a couple of the longer stretches of dialogue but that's jmho. Easy to see a seasoned writer is behind this and a well done from me for a nice inventive take on the challenge.

It's been said before and I'm sure you will groan hearing it again, but...
yep sorry, it's the ending that is a bit of an anticlimax for me.

Great job with the rest of it, though.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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The logline reads like an 90s comedy aimed at kids.

"You can almost smell the stench." I remember I used this line once in one of my scripts, definitely annoyed a few peeps, understandable why.

I can see what you're aiming at with the dialogue but it doesn't come across the way you think it does. It reads very forced.

The school scene is too similar to Harry Potter, it almost feels derivative.

So many orphans, they probably take up a lot more extra space than needed.

I liked the switch of stereotypes but it was taken to such an extreme that it lost all meaning in the end. It almost became laughable. The story was predictable but it was okay. Writing had a few hiccups but was also okay. Not a bad effort but everything needs to be toned down a little bit, this is as cliche as it can be in terms of plotting.

Grade: C
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StevenClark
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty good writing here. The dialogue was snappy and fun, and the premise was cute.

Wait. Cute? Damn, this was supposed to be a horror challenge!  Oh well. I still liked it, though. It won't get my vote because it didnt fit the challenge parameter, but it was still a fun little story. The ending fell kinda flat though.

Congrats on getting this done!

Steve


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ReneC
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Though it doesn't fulfill the horror requirement of the challenge, I do like this one. It's a cute play on the familiar, the old good versus evil argument delivered in charicature fashion. The writing is good enough to be engaging despite the unfilmables, the mistakes, and talking directly to the reader.

The ending fell flat. Perhaps because I'd already clued in by page 3 that Stan was Satan and Lucy was named after her father. Even without that, you already told us the school was Lucifer's and Stan says outright that he bought that building, so that final button is a nothing moment. Killing the kitten was just as meaningless and frankly awkward, I can't imagine how that would look given the size of a kitten's chest and heart. Just trying to imagine it brought me out of the story.

I really liked the snakes, that's a great scene and you did a good job intercutting with the school. A very strong middle, great job there, but the weak ending robs any good impressions.


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Neighbour
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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So far the writing in this is good. Although I don't like that SAME was used in the slug. Seems very awkward and off putting. If it's the same time I would say just don't say anything at all about the time.

It caught my interest right away though with the "I heard you refused to be bad today" line, so that was cool.

I'm going to take a stab at Stan being her father. I like this so far. The priest refusing to give up his faith. Seems very cinema-world-like aha.

I think the line would have been better written like: "Opal drives and uses one hand to turn Lucy's face toward her."

The scene with Stan ripping the man's heart out and offering the woman a bite is sick, but also a bit amusing.

For some reason my mind is being dragged to the fact that the snake is black but it is also very poisonous. I'm not sure, but aren't snakes more poisonous the more colourful they are?

The dialogue in this was really well done in my opinion. I personally didn't think it came off as too much of a comedy, but then again my generation has had Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow comedies shoved down our throats.

I also didn't see any horror as well, except the kitten being killed maybe.

But this was still very good and I liked that Stan revealed he was the devil in the end of it. I can picture this idea making a good novel, or CHILDREN's movie (if toned down a little of course)


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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The idea of it is very good but both dialog and action are on the nose for me.
From the very beginning Lucy says she wants to be good, not bad. I'd change that to something concrete. Let Lucy say "I don't want to harm my kitty, I can't" And mother should reply something concrete too, I think. This would help with exposition and overall give it subtlety. I also think we should figure out the kind of institution they are running there on our own.
Also, the way you show her Dad - he's a Lucifer, destroying people - on the nose too.
I think you could go through and change all "being good" "being bad" to something more subtle.
Also, it gets kind of repetitive for me.
Otherwise it's a good idea and I'd say, don't dispose of the script - many do with OWC scripts (at least I do)
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Good girl

Hello.

I don't like the script at all. I think some people will do, it's very subjective here, I think.

It was easy to follow what happens, fast readable. The quality of storytelling is not coming out in defiance to all that technical/structure decisions I felt here.

Everything seems constructed to me like in a screenwriting how-to-book. Then you insert just some ideas. Which ended up in snakes coming out of trunks. Christians are captured etc… It's just not enough. It's not storytelling. The cuts seems like you wanted to give us a middle of every characters and places. School-back to camp-school-house table (kitchen)again.

You got problems to get the thing onto page which are elementary.
The ending disappoints me. In my sight it was heartless to take the kitten. For what? To say I'm the devil. You have to be like me? As weak as whole story.

I think you can make it better. Relax a little and don' cut your screenplay into average  pieces and doing technically structure decisions. You're strong in structure. You go too far with it. Because you are strong in structure you didn’t have to care anymore. It's there. Would love to read a screenplay of you when you break every rule you ever learned…


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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