To start off with the writing may turn some off, because of the lengthy descriptions here. Like this:

Shafts of murky light SLICE into the dusty air of a dilapidated
barn. Particles of dust dance, floating in the air. The stalls
are empty. No tools strewn about. An eerie, EMPTY, aging barn.

Could be:
Shafts of light slice into an old dilapidated barn.

It's something I'm still working on for sure. So trimming this would be a good idea.

Sorry to say, the thicker I get into this, the more strange the writing is. What is size 32 cloven hooves?  ....I dunno...I'm out on this after three pages. Sorry.

Not bad. Some decent potential here. Good visuals, but watch for spelling errors.

This was done by a very new writer and hence; congrats for completing something for the OWC.

As others have said - there is a story in here, but it is bogged down with heavy description. It needs a lot of work, but you'll get there. Everyone has their starting stone.

In all honesty - you'll probably rewrite this over and over again and again before things begin to make sense in the 'screenwriting world', but don't take any comments personally and keep pushing on

Renee

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Descent of the maiden

Hello!

No doubt, this is one of my favorites since yet.

The little No's first: There are a lot of pictures like sun glances or sth., dust there or sth., which are still there in your image, better said, in my interpretation of what I see. It feels like you add pictures before or behind the point, where you give me actually the right impression about all entire thing happening. More confidence, please. I didn't like that the witch/s first kill a frog, than it's about a hound, before taking the real conflict. It doesn't fit IMO.

Ok. There was a lot of action going on; also there were creepy horror elements. I liked how you solve the problem with capturing the witches. I believed they were strong enough to survive the children- soldier army. You did a great choice, when you show several jeeps arriving during the fight. I had the impression that they won't stop attacking; and your decision makes it plausible, that the witches were caught at least.

Best tension. I keep this script in mind. After 3X reads I have to take some time to reflect that. Yeah, that really rocks...Great

I thought the first scene was a bit overwritten. There’s some nice visuals being produced, but it could all stand to be more concise.

With phrases like “twisted macabre penis”, I had a hard time pinning down the intended tone of this. There were some cool spells and inventive kills in the final battle, but the writing left me too confused to form much of an impression and the logic behind events eluded me.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

39. Descent of the Maiden by Thirty - Horror - The tale of the Maiden is a sad one: hated for her skin, revelled for her innocence. What begins with Death, ends with the Apocalypse - the coming of the Horned One.
Brief - Monolith

Location(s)  - Barn interior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  First page: are you familiar with the monolith from '2001: A Space Oddessey'? Oh, f*********ck meeeeeeee. There's a second page of this. And practically a third. Pass
Script format -
Final word - Dialog is gooooooood.

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

This was mine. Thanks for all the comments. I take them to heart. I've already incorporated some suggestions for my features in rewrite at the moment. My descriptions were a bit overboard on this one. I'm working on making my writing more crisp, decisive,  quick. And i won't join paragraphs to fit page limit any more. Haha.

I'd love to give anyone reviews for their features or shorts. Let me know.

I have a series, FOX & DOG, with almost 10, 000 views. No comments. To say the least, I'm curious as to how I got that many views.  But I'm more curious for some feedback. I'd return the favour for sure.

Good work everyone.  And thanks for all the constructive criticism. It helps.

Oh and I love 2001 and the monolith. And slow paced Kubrick.  Haha.  Jokes.