The Confession: A Farce by Gordan Greene - Short, Comedy, Drama, Farce - One evening, David Smith visits his church and confesses to a priest that he's had an extramarital affair with a mistress. A miscommunication causes a case of mistaken identity, leading to a farcical conversation between parishioner and pastor. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Heck of a logline   Usually you don't mention names in the logline..

Hopefully the script isn't as overwritten

Well good news it isn't

Boy did that take a curveball     

An intimate affair with a piece of cheesecake   That made me laugh.

So David says "C'mon not again"  does that mean it's the same cheesecake over and over or is he cheating with another cheesecake???  Because obviously he's eating it so he'll have to get another one??

So much to ponder??

Good job on entering

Not bad at all. However, I wished you had milked the story a bit. Get more out of it. Show us how he "enjoys" the cheesecake more. Also, for extra punch, if you could somehow keep the reveal of Betty to the very end, in other words a twist, that would be awesome!

Great job!

It's fun for what it is. I like everything about David, I don't buy the priest at all. Given the tone of this, that isn't a deal-breaker. At least you fully committed to the bit, nicely done.

I like Pia's comment about keeping the reveal to more of a button on this.

Being a surviving Catholic, I know that this –

Quoted Text DAVID Bless me, Father for I have sinned. FATHER JAMES In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. I'm Father James McCabe.

Ain’t quite right. The confessor always says – My last confession was …
The priest never gives his name. Probably not a big deal to most – a hiccup for me.

This –

Quoted Text David is awake, but his WIFE is sleeping soundly. He quietly gets out of bed, and leaves the bedroom without her noticing.

A bit awkward in phrasing. If she is sleeping, we know she doesn’t notice.  And give us some verbs with pop – e.g., sneaks, etc. As an example:

Try something like –

David sneaks out of bed, tip-toes to the door.  He glances back at his sleeping WIFE, then slips out the door.

Quoted Text David is seen tiptoeing down the hall to the stairwell. He starts to descend the stairs.

Lose – is seen. Just -

David tiptoes down the hall…

Same here:

Quoted Text David is seen reaching into the fridge. His hand emerges with a piece of Cheesecake on a plate.

Just –

David reaches into the fridge…

You have this issue throughout.

For me, the story didn’t quite land – sorry. Kudos for entering.

The best line for me came from the priest: "And I'm trying to figure out what sin you committed." Good one.

I can sympathize with the priest. What is there to say about all of this?

What if the priest wasn't shocked and confused by this? What if he had seen it before and surprises David by telling him he sees it all the time?

I like what Rob said about the priest saying something about seeing it all the time.  Lol
Maybe you could beef up the dialogue to make David question the priests mental condition???

Anyway, good entry and congrats.
Cindy

I liked this for what it is, an amusing take on the challenge.

Romance, kinda, sins, kinda, made me smile - yep, the absurdity of it was funny.

One suggestion, Betty... make that the brand of cheescake, show us an empty box and he can be having the affair forever!

Hi Writer

Not much of a story here, rather a dragged out skit. Visually there is not a whole lot going on but the dialogue was pretty good.

The logline sold more than the script delivered.

The look on his face says...
His facial expression says...
You used this technique too many times. Use visual adjectives/verbs instead to describe this. It's better screenwriting. Doesn't hurt to use them every now and then but when you keep doing it it gives the wrong impression to the reader about your talent as a writer.

As for the story, its sin is that it wasn't mysterious or tantalizing enough. However, if you wanted Betty to be known to us that early and just wanted the humor to come out of the misunderstanding between the two, you should have milked that more greedily. Because you haven't put that misunderstanding to good use in a comedic sense.

For example, the priest would ask questions like: How did you know her? Did she seduce you? What do you find her that you can't find in your wife? I mean, you could have explored the misunderstanding situation from different angles to create more and better jokes. Because that seems to me the only chance where your creative concept could shine brighter.

Best of luck.

Pretty funny.

Just not quite enough in it for me. I got dessert but no main meal. You had me all the way and then it finished. I wanted more cleverness.

Btw, I'm no prude. That said, I'm just not convinced you needed the extent to which David got aroused. That reveal made me grimace and it changed the tone. I'd much prefer if you showed the orgasmic delight on his face only. Plenty of sensual movies revolve around food.

And, I agree with the other comments.
Show 'Betty' at the end via the cheesecake box and brand.

I liked this (below). Made me chuckle.

DAVIDI
t's pretty big.

FATHER JAMES
Gluttonously big?


Oh, and nowhere is David's physicality mentioned. No hint of the size he might be as a consequence of his gastronomic love affair. Be amusing imho if he was skinny.

Anyway, like I said: Oliver Twist here.
Nicely done, but not quite sated.

Hi there writer,

I enjoyed this one. Maybe not a lot to it, but it was a really good silly. My kind of silly. Mostly well written too, a breeze to read.

Probably agree that climaxing to food is quite a stretch - Then again there are certain kinds of pizza's that get me close.

Hey, Gordan.

This is a funny little skit. The dialog is hit and miss, but most of it works for me. I like the reveal of "Betty". Funny stuff.

Solid writing, made for a fast read. No complaints from me.

Another good one here. Great work.

Hey writer, this was a fun piece I was waiting for David to tell the priest it was Betty Crocker and it never came... I had fun reading this one, it was a strange one for sure and I think David might have some issues that go deeper than cheesecake.

I think the premise of a misunderstanding needs to be done in a different way, I think, David would know saying, Betty would confuse the priest and that's where i think the misunderstanding part of this story falls flat. But other than that I think this was a good entry that fit the challenge nicely.

Great job on entering, I really enjoyed this one.

-Cheers