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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  A More Perfect Union - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    A More Perfect Union - QC  (currently 1549 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A More Perfect Union by The Widow Jones - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A guest at a country wedding has no intention of forever holding his peace. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

SPOILER - Maybe

That went way over my head. I don't even know how to comment on the story. I think the guest is the devil but not sure what his motivation is.

The writing and formatting is good.


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Wait... what? Very interesting story, had me intrigued right up until... boom! Huh?


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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This is described as a sci-fi fantasy but the logline is not sci-fi, or fantasy and quite dull.  Sorry to be blunt but the logline needs to sell the script and this sounds like a standard drama or romantic comedy.

As it was, it was nicely written and you had me intrigued, right until the end. The guy comes out of left-field. I presume this is the devil and he's taking them to hell because they are sinners right? Well, why these guys? Why does he not take all sinners in such an open and glorious fashion? You need to explain in some way why the devil has picked these, out of all the billions of people on the planet, to teach them a lesson. Maybe it's personal or something?

You had half a page left, you could have done a bit more but it's a start of something decent for sure.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:07am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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A whole page for a standard wedding so far. Not impressed. I avoid the church part of weddings as a general rule... in fact, I avoid churches altogether. The hypocrisy is just too much for me.

Huh?

The devil of biblical fiction shows up at a wedding and burns everybody because they are sinners.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nice writing, but the story is total shite.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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I'm undecided here. There was some good f.i. when somebody speaks up when the preacher asks that specific question, it's always quite suspenseful to me to get to know what happens… Then the crazy guy, Satan, demon, whatever he is, starting an unexpected argument has also lots of potential. But how it was executed, especially the last part then, was bland in my eyes. It has some potential if re-adjusted.

The demon interrupting a wedding is good, but he must have a point that provokes others within the church to entertain me in the picture. The boom, all is shred stuff, isn't working.



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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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You started nice and I thought it's going to be a very good story. The pace was great, the main character, the dialog - all very good.

And then what happened? Run out of steam? You have half a page left, please let us know who he was and what he wanted. I understand that the minister and guests are sinners or maybe your guy believes so, but there's still needs to be more than that.

Or maybe he was waiting for all these people to gather in one place to blow them up. But still it needs to be more.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Standard wedding but with a demonic twist. You had my interest until the dice were thrown. I'd like to see what you can do with this.
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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with everyone else.  The dice really had no role in the story.  

The guy

SPOILERS
  knew what he was gonna do when he walked in.  And I'm pretty sure that supernatural fires attract attention, so, perhaps you could have had a gas line leaking or something.

It might have been better to have some reason why Satan would show up.  I know you had a 3 page limit, but, something would have been better than nothing.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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This one doesn't qualify. Rules say a pair of dice, not three dice! HA - Kidding.

Am I the only one that thinks the stranger is calling bullshit on the Minister and the ceremony? Doesn't he call the minister 'Wooly'? The three dice made a perfect 18 (666) which makes me think he ID'd the devil in Ministers clothing?

I just Googled Lassiter, I thought there might be some reference, but Urban Dictionary defines a Lassiter as a total skank or total whore. With that, I'm at a total loss here.

Even with all the confusion, I liked it, in a weird sort of way.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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I was with you the whole way till the end. Everything was clicking perfectly, there's mystery, intrigue, then it just ends on a dice roll. You still had half a page left. Oh well, still enjoyed it.


That rug really tied the room together.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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I'm like everyone else, it's a nice day, I'm enjoying my lovely read, then all of sudden Satan or whomever pops up and causes my car to crash into a tree.  I guess I shouldn't be reading and driving.  Still, well written, but for God's sake fix that ending!

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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pale yellow
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ok this story was good. Well written. Great dialogue but the end left me a bit confused.

What does this mean
LASSITER
Oh! A perfect eighteen. Huh. I
guess we’ll be moving the reception
over to my place.


I would like to know because I want to love this story.

Great writing on display here.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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And then,

They died!

Firstly, you held my attention. Check.

But this:

At the altar, the bride, BRIE (19), and groom, STEVEN (22),
face THE REV. WOOLARD (60), who reads from a Bible.

THE REV. WOOLARD

Marriage is not to be entered into
unadvisedly or lightly but in
accordance with...
(pause)
the laws instituted by God.

Where in the Bible does it say, "Marriage is not to be entered into... yada yada"

Careful with wording.

I'm at a loss why Lassiter wants/does blow everyone up to smithereens.

The idea is good. This Lassiter guy coming in and playing his hand, but everything else is blurry to me.

What is Lassiter's motive?

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pale yellow
Ok this story was good. Well written. Great dialogue but the end left me a bit confused.

What does this mean
LASSITER
Oh! A perfect eighteen. Huh. I
guess we’ll be moving the reception
over to my place.


I would like to know because I want to love this story.

Great writing on display here.


he rolled 3 sixes -666  get it lol?  This had all the ingredients to be epic but the writer lost comtrol at the end.

SPOILERS


I'm guessing the priest - Wooly -had been a ped.


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