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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Dance Away, Lover - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Dance Away, Lover - QC  (currently 1526 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dance Away, Lover by Marty - Short, Comedy - An elderly woman has an unusual way of showing her affection. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
A jump rope lays on the floor.


Lies on the floor.

The comedy was a little lost on me, people do say it's subjective though so I'll be interested to see other peoples thoughts.

I liked the take a hit of oxygen bit, but the ending fell a bit flat.



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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Really liked beginning. Thought it was going for a sweet tale of new and old love. Obviously not lol. Didn't love the ending.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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A nice setup, some awkward writing (maybe a bit rushed for time?) and a gross ending. Not really for me but I bet some will love this.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Haha, reading what Mark wrote for this and like he says some may love the ending in this - I love the ending. I actually liked this very much. Very well done, writer.
It starts strong, too - I could visualize both Ralph and Hattie very well.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Warren
Lies on the floor.


No, incorrect.

This is correct as written.  Inanimate objects do "lay".  Animate objects "lie".



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Well, not sure but I'm assuming this is meant to be funny?  It's not at all, until literally the very last line of dialogue.

Writing is OK, but far from good, with missing punctuation, incorrectly broken up passages, odd phrasings, etc.

There really isn't any story or plot here at all, and the jump rope thing is completely shoehorned in.

Not for me, sorry to say.

* 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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lay = put someone or something down.

lie (in this context) = be in a horizontal position on a surface.


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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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uhhhhh.... well, that was, um, interesting? Frankly, I don't know what to feel about this other than a bit puzzled.  I thought you were going to go in a different direction with some asphyxiation fantasy, but I guess this is close enough!

Overall, the story was fine -- I liked Ralph's line at the end.  That totally made the story for me.

Best of luck,
Gary


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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was going to go dark, for sure. WRONG! The mental image was disturbing so maybe it did go dark!

Cute. Like Hawkeye, Ralph's last line was the best.
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

RALPH
I'm glad I'm NOT Marty.



I liked this, but instead of the above dialogue, I would have cut to Ralph making a swift exit from the room, maybe even mumbling 'No, he isn't' under his breath, haha. Nice work.


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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Torn with this one. I think the visual would be funny, however I think that there's an inherent sadness in these places, and Hattie is not on her own joke, which makes this more sad for me than funny.


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from ajr
Torn with this one. I think the visual would be funny, however I think that there's an inherent sadness in these places, and Hattie is not on her own joke, which makes this more sad for me than funny.


The cool thing about her is that she doesn't know any different. Tomorrow another guy will be her Marty. She's got it easier than Ralph.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Indeed, when did the Internet steal a child's imagination.

It's true and a good line, but felt like it was wrong for the script and now I know why.

How did it get there is my question.

Otherwise, this was a good story with a happy ending.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Haha Writer!

Nothing like saggy breasts and wrinkled buttocks to give me a laugh. Very funny. Also enjoyed the scene where Ralph scans the room and sees walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, etc. Funny stuff. However, story was lacking, didn't make much sense and the rope seemed randomly thrown in. Still, it gave me a laugh!

Steve


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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Saggy ass and tits? So hilarious. Sorry but for a comedy I didn't laugh once, not even a CRACK of a smile. See how lame that was?

Also, not a full 3 pages.
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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Tyler King


Also, not a full 3 pages.


It doesn't have to be a full 3 pages.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


It doesn't have to be a full 3 pages.


So it's been established. Still didn't like it.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa, that was different.

I was glued to the read except for the shoehorned jump rope stuff which took me out of it for a second. It was sweet and creepy at the same time, if that's possible. Unique and kept me interested so good job.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like how the writer set up an expectation and then surprised us.

The jump rope needs a better explanation for being there -- from the exercise room or something. Not many kids running around retirement homes.

Some good descriptions to set the scenes. Nice touch with Ralph taking a hit on the oxygen.

And Hattie stripping? I think I'd have to look away!



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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hattie seems like good fun.

The buildup to one big visual gag is fine, but you do wish we got to know a bit more about these two. There's room for some character building in here, surely.


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DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with most of the other comments.

I think the issue is, for me, it isn't funny.  Dementia is a terrible illness.  She doesn't see the man she's with, she sees her past.

Clearly, he likes her, so, the 180 turn at the end rings hollow for me.  If he cares for her that much, wouldn't he stop her from embarrassing herself?

No ages hurts this too.  65 is far different than say 90.  

So, it just didn't work for me.

Dan


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stevie
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah a mishmash here but it ends with a funny visual lol


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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P1 wrong formatting of page numbers
Slugline has no time element

P1-2 charming to some degree, let's see what the payoff tells…

Nah, it's too flat for me. imo, if you make jokes about elderly people, it only works if it's really lol funny, more ironic, intelligent or super crazy. Most of them have no problems to laugh about themselves. I believe you'd even have a fine audience there, only that the script's resolution by now hasn't been classy enough to land it - at least for my taste. The overall build-up worked quite fine.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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pale yellow
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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This one made me laugh. Good job writer.

Well written. Light hearted comedy.


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Felt kind of bad for Hattie. Would the people that work there allow someone to make a fool of themselves like that? I don't know. This wasn't my kind of humor, sorry to say. I felt mostly just sad for her.


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Michael
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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The ending was funny, But I had to picture my grandma naked... ughhhhhhhhhh  Now I'm going to have nightmares.
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grademan
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who read this. I'm glad some of you liked some of this. For those of you who felt sorry for Hattie -- that was something I had not expected. Sometimes the writer is surprised at his own writing.

Special thanks to Tyler for his more than honest review. And a shout out to Jeff for consistency. He gave a similar review years ago in one of my first scripts. Maybe I should have listened back then.
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khamanna
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Well, I loved it. It was funny and at the same time I felt for them.
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