All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
It took a long time getting to any action. It was all description and fly-over. It could've just started with an old couple under a tree.
I appreciate the motions and beckoning but it needs dialog. A simple "Leave the jump rope; we'll get it later" and "Come on. You can do it." Just to break it all up.
Did I mistakenly think there were no vital signs? They held hands afterwards?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Pretty ambitious not to have dialogue but it works in this 3 page max. Was overwritten at times but the feeling you were evoking came through nicely. Jump rope was used well and not just thrown in too. Liked this one
Love a script without dialogue and for this ... I"m not going to fault you with the heavy descriptions even though it does bog the read. If you can find a way to shorten them.. it'll read faster.
I love this concept. I think it fits the parameters perfectly.
A few typos here and there ... to be expected in three days.
Like Stevie says, this was pretty ambitious to take 2 1/2 pages and pack it with action sequences. Now I think you cheated just a tad and had a couple of instances where the characters spoke to one another that probably should have been in dialogue blocks, but what the hell. It was well written and evoked some nice imagery. Reminded me a little of the ending of the Notebook (OKAY I'M A GUY AND I SAW THE NOTEBOOK - MY WIFE MADE ME!). All in all, well done here.
Best, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
EXT. CITY - DAY Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception office, past a big sign that reads:
I don't think any of this is relevant. It's also taking up valuable writing space and reads awkwardly.
Okay I think I know why you put it there. This is very over written and you still didn’t use up the 3 pages. It's just padding.
The story at its core is quite good, I enjoyed it but it's a slog to get through. I think it needs a massive trim and, I think some dialogue would only help.
It's the only 3-page script in this challenge I skipped after page 1 because of all prose. It may well be a lovely, touching story but it's totally lost on me due to all the extra writing. Just imagine a script reader trying to go through 90 pages of that and they've got ten scripts to read that day, they would throw it in the bin after 5 pages, tops.
Sorry for my blunt opinion but I'm actually trying to help. If you sent such a script off to a festival or competition you would be dismissed quickly and I'll give you a couple of examples.
Opening Block:
"Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception office, past a big sign that reads...."
Your using an establishing shot in a 3-page script. Not only that you are suggesting camera shots. This is normally part of a shooting script.
"The nurse stops in the shade of a huge elm. The old woman turns her head slowly, squints. The nurse adjusts her blanket, murmurs to her; the old woman nods, smiles. The nurse checks her watch before hurrying back inside."
Here you are giving detailed directions to the actors. It's almost down to the level of telling them how to breath. Let the actors decide how they are going to act. You just focus on telling the story.
I hope my notes are useful and you don't feel like stabbing me too much!
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Not the most original of images, but pulled off well enough. I guess I don't really care that they used to be young and beautiful -- it would be nice to see what's in their lives now. My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing. It'd be nice to see -- along with the nice memories -- a nice day with these two. Memories of being young are just a small part of being old. Or so I'm told.
My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing.
Yeah... I suppose we look at old age as a wind-down, as though they've stopped living. It's hard getting into their minds... all I get from my nan is fear and regret. Same with my GF's granddad. Fear and regret. I think these type of thoughts sink in with immobility. My nan cannot walk far and she can hardly see. My Gf's grandad is confined to his house and from talking to the family, on both sides, it's like deep down, they are just waiting for them to die so they can divvy up their belongings. Circling like vultures. Not all of them, obviously. People with genuine intent are the minority.