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Who They Were - QC (currently 3136 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:29pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Who They Were by 0 - Short, Romance - The elderly folk of a retirement home find comfort in the simplest of things. 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:59pm |
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Code - she has to be in her nineties. |
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A lot of black on the first page and this is down to things like the above. If she's in her 90s just say so, (93). I'm skimming and I'm not at page 2 yet. My finger slipped and I scrolled all the way to the end. Oh well, can't go back now. |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:00pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
HI,
Good idea for a short. And I appreciate the fact you didn't use a line of dialog in this. You still should cap your main characters I think.
On page 2 you start a scene with "an old woman" and I don't know who are you talking about - another character or else. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:23pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
It took a long time getting to any action. It was all description and fly-over. It could've just started with an old couple under a tree.
I appreciate the motions and beckoning but it needs dialog. A simple "Leave the jump rope; we'll get it later" and "Come on. You can do it." Just to break it all up.
Did I mistakenly think there were no vital signs? They held hands afterwards? |
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DanC |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:27pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Some "rookie" errors. Be specific in your character descriptions.
Personally, I always give my main characters names. If you don't care enough to name your characters, then why should I care about them??
This was cute, but, flawed. I got a bit confused at certain points, and for a 3 page script, that isn't good.
SPOILERS
So, a family leaves a jump rope, 2 random people see it, and somehow, they see themselves as young people again, and what fall in love as they die??
That's sad.
Dan |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:25pm |
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Opening passage is just about the very last way you'd want to start a 3 page script, as it is absolutely unnecessary...and costly.
OK, sorry, but I'm out. 1/2 a page in and it feels like 3 pages already. WAY overwritten and dense and seemingly going nowhere.
No grade |
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stevie |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:23pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Pretty ambitious not to have dialogue but it works in this 3 page max. Was overwritten at times but the feeling you were evoking came through nicely. Jump rope was used well and not just thrown in too. Liked this one |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:53pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.40 |
Love a script without dialogue and for this ... I"m not going to fault you with the heavy descriptions even though it does bog the read. If you can find a way to shorten them.. it'll read faster.
I love this concept. I think it fits the parameters perfectly.
A few typos here and there ... to be expected in three days.
Great job. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:13pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Like Stevie says, this was pretty ambitious to take 2 1/2 pages and pack it with action sequences. Now I think you cheated just a tad and had a couple of instances where the characters spoke to one another that probably should have been in dialogue blocks, but what the hell. It was well written and evoked some nice imagery. Reminded me a little of the ending of the Notebook (OKAY I'M A GUY AND I SAW THE NOTEBOOK - MY WIFE MADE ME!). All in all, well done here.
Best, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:16pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi,
Quoted Text EXT. CITY - DAY Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception office, past a big sign that reads: |
I don't think any of this is relevant. It's also taking up valuable writing space and reads awkwardly. Okay I think I know why you put it there. This is very over written and you still didn’t use up the 3 pages. It's just padding. The story at its core is quite good, I enjoyed it but it's a slog to get through. I think it needs a massive trim and, I think some dialogue would only help. |
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Tyler King |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:34am |
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LocationIndiana Posts192 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Too much description, and it's not even a full 3 pages. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:54am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
This is more short story than short script.
It's the only 3-page script in this challenge I skipped after page 1 because of all prose. It may well be a lovely, touching story but it's totally lost on me due to all the extra writing. Just imagine a script reader trying to go through 90 pages of that and they've got ten scripts to read that day, they would throw it in the bin after 5 pages, tops.
Sorry for my blunt opinion but I'm actually trying to help. If you sent such a script off to a festival or competition you would be dismissed quickly and I'll give you a couple of examples.
Opening Block:
"Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings. From the car park, paths lead to a reception office, past a big sign that reads...."
Your using an establishing shot in a 3-page script. Not only that you are suggesting camera shots. This is normally part of a shooting script.
"The nurse stops in the shade of a huge elm. The old woman turns her head slowly, squints. The nurse adjusts her blanket, murmurs to her; the old woman nods, smiles. The nurse checks her watch before hurrying back inside."
Here you are giving detailed directions to the actors. It's almost down to the level of telling them how to breath. Let the actors decide how they are going to act. You just focus on telling the story.
I hope my notes are useful and you don't feel like stabbing me too much!
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 11 - 26 |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:55am |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Alright, I toughed it out and read through without skimming.
This has some light. BUT-
It needs serious work in the execution department.
Example:
>Moving over suburbs, shops and busy roads to a large complex of dwellings.
How are we "moving over"? Flying? Driving?
You mean, and Aerial Shot? But does it even matter?
This is a tender story about human life. It's a snapshot. All those City Visuals aren't necessary for this.
These people are mere Old Man and Old Woman. Nothing more?
Is that all they are? Is that all they amount to?
Who are they and why do they matter?
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Heretic |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Not the most original of images, but pulled off well enough. I guess I don't really care that they used to be young and beautiful -- it would be nice to see what's in their lives now. My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing. It'd be nice to see -- along with the nice memories -- a nice day with these two. Memories of being young are just a small part of being old. Or so I'm told. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:47pm |
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My grandfather's 93 and not great on his feet, but he's still growing and learning and changing. |
Yeah... I suppose we look at old age as a wind-down, as though they've stopped living. It's hard getting into their minds... all I get from my nan is fear and regret. Same with my GF's granddad. Fear and regret. I think these type of thoughts sink in with immobility. My nan cannot walk far and she can hardly see. My Gf's grandad is confined to his house and from talking to the family, on both sides, it's like deep down, they are just waiting for them to die so they can divvy up their belongings. Circling like vultures. Not all of them, obviously. People with genuine intent are the minority. |
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SAC |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:38pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
You had me going there for a minute. I was really liking this, thinking something miraculous was happening and anticipating where you might take this. But, in the end, they never turned young. They just tried jumping rope and croaked. The sentiment was nice, but it needed some kind of magic to take this from pedestrian to fantastic.
Steve |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:04pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I would definitely prefer names for the characters, at least for your two main characters.
Story is okay, not sure if it's enough as a whole. However, fantasy is a fine thing, and I enjoyed watching them living it up, real or unreal. |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 7:58am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Too much detail about things that don't matter and not enough about what's really important -- the main characters. Your premise is good, but the approach is too impersonal (old man, old woman, nothing said) to be effective. |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 9:19pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hmmm....
I'm all for no dialogue scripts, but if the action paragraphs are over written it slooooows the read a lot. It's only three pages and I read through it, but if it had been longer, I would've either bailed or start skimming.
Be specific with your descriptions. Only tell us what we need to know. Be economical about it.
Storywise, it's okay, just a slog to get through, which is not good when you're talking a three pager. |
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ajr |
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 7:20am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Disagree with all the negative comments above. For me the writer paints a picture with these words, so grammar Nazis and screenplay form sticklers be damned, I say...
Beautiful portrait of two elderly people getting a last glimpse of being young before they expire. Sure they didn't 'turn' young in reality ala COCOON. But I felt something reading this. I felt their pain and I felt their joy. That's all the writer has the responsibility to do, so bravo on this one... |
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Michael |
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 7:45pm |
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New Hi to all, it's great to be here.
LocationVirginia Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
This was not screenplay format, many many spelling errors. I didn't even read it all. For me too say that is pretty bad. Not good.
Keep writing and learning though. |
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Cooper |
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 12:10am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I get what the writer was going for but I think it could have been done better. I can't top any of the previous suggestions. |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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stevie |
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 2:39pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Cheers to all who read and reviewed, especially those who 'got' it and liked it. Once the two theme options were given, this idea hit me straight away, practically wrote itself (I was surprised there weren't more entries in the same vein actually but most went the noose route lol). Went low budget too
The 3 page max gave me the impetus to go with no dialogue and the next step was to have no character names - this made it more universal in feel as the setting could be almost any country in the world. I kind of made that obvious by not having a super saying where it was as is my want (I always pretty much write stuff set in the US lol
The sentiment I was trying for worked perfectly for me and I was happy with it - probably in my top 10 shorts. The only thing I maybe would change on reflection is to perhaps have the whole thing seen through the eyes of an old lady watching from a window - which i referenced when all the old folk are looking out at the scene - and she is deaf so that would enhance the zero dialogue. i had this idea after submitting but it was cool as was.
Will read the rewrite of Cyborn, Mark. it was the best written script though my personal fave was Ice Cream Soda with its creepy kid vibe lol. Cheers all |
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SAC |
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 3:09pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
though my personal fave was Ice Cream Soda with its creepy kid vibe lol. |
So, you're the one who voted for it, huh? |
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stevie |
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 3:22pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
So, you're the one who voted for it, huh? |
lol it was a popular one bro! |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 6:13pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
I just looked at this one again briefly to see which one this was.
I feel that there's a strong memorable image of the old man and woman imagining their youth, not really skipping.
Somehow, I think THE IMAGINATION should have been labeled.
Also, I think the central image is lost in all the words.
If they were reminiscing, and maybe at the end, were "trying" to make some attempt, it would be touching to see. You know: that effort-- and you have shown that to an extent, but I think it needs to be shorter, executed in a different way.
I don't know if the intro city images are needed for this script. It's a lot of words, time and space that maybe could be better used.
Still, this one has that something.
Sandra
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 9:12pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Cheers to all who read and reviewed, especially those who 'got' it and liked it. Once the two theme options were given, this idea hit me straight away, practically wrote itself (I was surprised there weren't more entries in the same vein actually but most went the noose route lol). Went low budget too
The 3 page max gave me the impetus to go with no dialogue and the next step was to have no character names - this made it more universal in feel as the setting could be almost any country in the world. I kind of made that obvious by not having a super saying where it was as is my want (I always pretty much write stuff set in the US lol
The sentiment I was trying for worked perfectly for me and I was happy with it - probably in my top 10 shorts. The only thing I maybe would change on reflection is to perhaps have the whole thing seen through the eyes of an old lady watching from a window - which i referenced when all the old folk are looking out at the scene - and she is deaf so that would enhance the zero dialogue. i had this idea after submitting but it was cool as was.
Will read the rewrite of Cyborn, Mark. it was the best written script though my personal fave was Ice Cream Soda with its creepy kid vibe lol. Cheers all |
Hi Stevie, I wanted to stay up on this one. Yes, if the woman watching was deaf, that would be an interesting point of view. You're really considering things-- not just making straw characters. I've noticed a few of us had a bent for ICE CREAM SODA I'm wondering why. Maybe you could do character analyses based on this kind of thing: Simply Scripts People: Who loves what and why. Maybe? More like probably. Google will love us. Again, good job. There were a few like this for me-- not completely there, but they had something that I had the feelies for me. Sandra |
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