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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Monsters Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 1st, 2017, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Monsters by Kenneth Dyson - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A science experiment gone wrong unleashes otherworldly creatures on a small Texas town. 113 pages - pdf, format

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HyperMatt
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Read the first 12 pages, starts with the predictable laboratory accident, but after that, it seems to be getting quite interesting. I like the introduction of our redneck type police protagonists. The dialogue is funny. The descriptions may be a bit poetic for my tastes but does the job. I will read the rest eventually and comment on the script.


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HyperMatt
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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I take it the Lovecraft quote will be on a blank screen at the start.


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HyperMatt
Posted: March 17th, 2018, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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I finally read the whole script.
After the interesting start, this did go down the predictable line of giant critters terrorizing a small town. But it does hold the attention for the bit. One good thing is is the way the story captures its alien/ red neck feel.
The scene where they are holding up in the high school seems too similar to that scene in the first season of Stranger Things (but I think this was written before Stranger Things came out?)
I felt that the threat was resolved too easily, with the helicopter firing on the portal. I thought the one and a half years scene was kind of out of place. Everything up to that point is set in the present, and it felt like the end needs to be set in the present also.
You’re very specific in your descriptions, ‘Like an old-fashioned driving helmet reinterpreted as a large room.’ I liked that one. On the whole, the descriptions are a bit too poetic for my tastes, but that’s just me.
Some dialogue a bit too obvious for me, ‘The department of energy’s gonna pull the plug on our funding if we don’t show them results’.
In all this, I found Sherriff Alton and Marissa the most interesting characters. I really liked the scene where Alton carries the slimy dead creature into the office. The gun toting couple Jim and Dana are fun. Dana reminds of that gun toting girl on Samuel L Jackson’s TV at the start of Jackie Brown. It seems in general you know how to write nice characters, and some of the dialogue was quite good too. For me, the best thing about the script is how the main characters are introduced.
Although I liked a lot of the interactions between characters, it seemed really unlikely that Ruston wants to talk to his brother about relationship problems with a hungry T-Rex like creature very, very close on their tale. Scott even says you wanna talk about this now and then proceeds to go into a long conversation. The creature has to roar to interrupt them
The character that I really hated was the scientist exposition character, Dr Emmet Reed (sounds too close to Dr Emmet Brown’. The whole reason for these creatures appearing is explained in one gobbledegook explanation, and our heroes just believe it just like that.  I’d rather there have been no explanation than that. Maybe you need to leave it to the audience’s imagination.
I personally don’t like using profanity in description writing. It’s like saying ‘fuck you’ to potential producers. You wouldn’t put ‘fucking’ on a CV.
I thought it was a good build up seeing the first tentacle creature attack the man on the boat, and the descriptions of the creatures, they would be very interesting. (even with CGI, this would be very expensive).  Some of the creatures would be very interesting visually ‘An arachnid creature with a featureless face reveals fangs and a rolled up tongue’. This makes me miss the practical effects Rick Barker days.
One of my biggest issues is that there was no uniformity to the creatures, they all just look very different from one another. Some are dinosaur like, some are arachnid like. We later learn that they are coming from a portal to a tropical planet, but surely there would be similar species. I think you should narrow it down.
I would take out the CRASH-BOOM on page 47 in very big text, it makes it look unprofessional. Having it in normal caps is enough.
Pg. 71: ‘Ruston turns round to Scott whose eyes go wide as saucers.’ – a very critical line in your script, the first time we have any inkling of alien technology. You do a lot of capping, but saucer is not capped and the line is not written as a crucial piece of information to be retained by the reader.
I think you could give another going over. There are some interesting bits.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Pg. 6: How do we know that Wilkins has been at the crossword at break of day? How will you show that visually?

Pg. 30: ‘drivING’ should be ‘driving’. ‘the ‘big’ comes to a should be ‘the ‘rig’ comes to a’

Pg. 32: ‘The truck stumbles out of the woods’, should be The truck ‘driver’ stumbles out of the woods.
Pg. 45: ‘Blood and gets’ should be ‘blood and guts’


Pg. 53: ‘That shit made ‘since’ should be ‘that shit made sense’.

Pg. 55: ‘Rest of are gonna’ should be ‘Rest of ‘you’ are gonna’


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