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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Salvadora Moderators: bert
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  Author    Salvadora  (currently 149 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2019, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Salvadora by Oscar Moreno - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Thriller - A teleporter must confront her worst fears as she rescues immigrants and refugees from the fascist government that's also hunting her.  103 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

pitches only day-

translating the title gives me 'mustard tree'-

however I like the title and it might be in your favor that not everyone will know the translation, like myself. IMO SF always works well with a completely wild title that cannot be clearly associated .

Reading the logline, I expect a politically-charged plot: there are just some completely imo contrary (and of course not so contrary) words mixed together (immigrants, refugees, fascism, government, you got a female prot and the SF angle is futurism in the case of teleporting).

It somehow reads as agenda. I hope you read my words with a distanced look and a rather analytic feel... Point is: Agenda, call it zeitgeist, diverse input, is everywhere in today's life.

And there's place for moral for sure, well, it's needed, buuut and I hate the word 'but', this line reads too abstract for me. The keywords just shine and build their controversies but you don't give me the trust to jump in. You rather build a wall without clear story substance.

You imo should sell this differently. I don't know. It just doesn't feel touchable. It's rather like ' a female teleporter solves the problems that we see in the newspaper or web every single day'. Have you got a different approach to describe the plot?

I'm interested and it's by far the best pitch I read today but...  

Hope this makes some sense. I think this logline can be fixed to be far better positioned as a true 'cinematic expression' to enjoy, follow and think.

Good luck



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OscarM
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Hi,

pitches only day-

translating the title gives me 'mustard tree'-

however I like the title and it might be in your favor that not everyone will know the translation, like myself. IMO SF always works well with a completely wild title that cannot be clearly associated .

Reading the logline, I expect a politically-charged plot: there are just some completely imo contrary (and of course not so contrary) words mixed together (immigrants, refugees, fascism, government, you got a female prot and the SF angle is futurism in the case of teleporting).

It somehow reads as agenda. I hope you read my words with a distanced look and a rather analytic feel... Point is: Agenda, call it zeitgeist, diverse input, is everywhere in today's life.

And there's place for moral for sure, well, it's needed, buuut and I hate the word 'but', this line reads too abstract for me. The keywords just shine and build their controversies but you don't give me the trust to jump in. You rather build a wall without clear story substance.

You imo should sell this differently. I don't know. It just doesn't feel touchable. It's rather like ' a female teleporter solves the problems that we see in the newspaper or web every single day'. Have you got a different approach to describe the plot?

I'm interested and it's by far the best pitch I read today but...  

Hope this makes some sense. I think this logline can be fixed to be far better positioned as a true 'cinematic expression' to enjoy, follow and think.

Good luck


Hey, thanks for your reply and for taking a look at the logline! I'm glad that despite your qualms, you still found it to be the best pitch you read today. I suppose I can work on the logline more, so let's see, how's this:

In a future America where immigrants and refugees are hunted down by a fascist government, a young woman must use her newfound teleportation powers to rescue them while she struggles with her anxiety.



More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from OscarM

In a future America where immigrants and refugees are hunted down by a fascist government, a young woman must use her newfound teleportation powers to rescue them while she struggles with her anxiety.


Way better. Nevertheless you got the theme (political correctness, moral debate, good and bad) still in the center of your selling concept. When, the truth, the story, should be the woman. Yet, you give her a mild 'a young woman' here.

Her "personal" arc, background, premise and goal should be the center of everything. She navigates us within this world of fascism, refugees, problems etc....

IMO you don't even need this massive political expression, because it's shallow as presented here. She is the protagonist and must control the logline to foreshadow an interesting story just - within the scenario of dictatorship etc...

Keep in mind, that's just my opinion. And imo take more time. A good logline, as far as I know, is a thinking process of two weeks. Yes, two weeks for one sentence. It's the single most important sentence of your whole project.



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OscarM
Posted: November 8th, 2019, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby


Way better. Nevertheless you got the theme (political correctness, moral debate, good and bad) still in the center of your selling concept. When, the truth, the story, should be the woman. Yet, you give her a mild 'a young woman' here.

Her "personal" arc, background, premise and goal should be the center of everything. She navigates us within this world of fascism, refugees, problems etc....

IMO you don't even need this massive political expression, because it's shallow as presented here. She is the protagonist and must control the logline to foreshadow an interesting story just - within the scenario of dictatorship etc...

Keep in mind, that's just my opinion. And imo take more time. A good logline, as far as I know, is a thinking process of two weeks. Yes, two weeks for one sentence. It's the single most important sentence of your whole project.


Thanks, I'm glad you like it better but I have to disagree with you on a couple of things. I highlight the fascist government and the rescuing of immigrants because that's the external conflict of the story. Characters are extremely important to a story but if you are telling a story with an external conflict then that's what must be highlighted as well. And in this case, I am following her own personal goal since she is the one who decides to rescue immigrants and refugees.

I also disagree that the logline is the most important sentence in a project. The script better be up to snuff. As someone who has been reading for a production company, I can tell you that it's awful to come across so many scripts with great, well-made loglines that I can see why the company agreed to read them. But upon reading the scripts themselves, they just aren't up to snuff.

Still, let me try this one more time:
A young and anxious immigrant teleporter  must use her newfound powers to rescue other immigrants and refugees from the fascist government that's also hunting her.


More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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Andrew
Posted: November 8th, 2019, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Interesting discussion here.

Does anyone know the official and original logline for Terminator?

Not a perfect parallel, but that brings in similar external threats to a young woman, so would be interesting to see how they approached it.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 8th, 2019, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Oscar,

well, I actually wanted to jump in today, however, we obviously have a different view on quite many things, which is all right of course… then I won't repeat myself over and over. Let me know if you want me to delete my comments if you think the thread is unnecessarily bloated; it would be quite understandable to me. I wish you the best of luck with the script.



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OscarM
Posted: November 8th, 2019, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Hey Oscar,

well, I actually wanted to jump in today, however, we obviously have a different view on quite many things, which is all right of course… then I won't repeat myself over and over. Let me know if you want me to delete my comments if you think the thread is unnecessarily bloated; it would be quite understandable to me. I wish you the best of luck with the script.


PrussianMosby, don't worry, I don't want you to delete anything. Thanks for the good wishes and despite our disagreements, I'd like to use the new logline that emerged from the discussion. I don't know if/how that can be changed on this site, though. Unless I submit a new edit of the script I suppose.



More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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OscarM
Posted: November 8th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Interesting discussion here.

Does anyone know the official and original logline for Terminator?

Not a perfect parallel, but that brings in similar external threats to a young woman, so would be interesting to see how they approached it.


I can't seem to find the original logline that James Cameron wrote for The Terminator, and I don't think it'd be easy to find anywhere unless someone asked him personally. Either way, this is what IMDB has: A seemingly indestructible robot is sent from 2029 to 1984 to assassinate a young waitress, whose unborn son will lead humanity in a war against sentient machines, while a human soldier from the same war is sent to protect her at all costs.


More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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