The Body Snatchers (was The Blue Room) by John Stone - Series, Horror - After a deal is struck between a newly discovered dwarf planet and the space angencies weird happenings begin and people just to vanish as a conspiracy to murder ensues. 70 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wow. This went from being a 32-page Kiki Carruthers episode to a 56-page feature of its own with Detective Lucy Gold. I wonder if there will be a crossover with the two detectives.

This reads much better and the added content provided extra depth and not just more story. The story became less mysterious and more creepy.

I do have a comment and a typo.

On the first page, the cashier asks (knowingly), “Are you Jackson Lee from the group Incandescence?”
I’m not sure if it’s a British thing to word the question like that but if I were in their shoes, I would not include the words, “the group”. I would ask, “Are you Jackson Lee from Incandescence?” or, if the band were well known like Pink Floyd or Led Zepplin, I would ask, “Are you Jackson Lee?” If it’s a British thing, or if the band were not quite famous, then including “the group” is obviously appropriate.

In the last action line at the bottom of page 17, I don’t think Detective’s should have an apostrophe since I don’t think it’s possessive.  I’m also not sure if Detectives should be capitalized since their titles are not being used with their names. I know you hate typos more than I do, otherwise I probably wouldn’t point this out unless there were others.

I have been waiting for the re-issue of this story for a while and I was not disappointed. Thanks.

Thanks for the comments Michael. I’m happy you liked this updated version. I’ve been looking at ways to subtly improve the dramatic tension without changing the plot. I agree with some of your thoughts like Detectives as opposed to Detective’s and capitalising when unnecessary. The group question I think I got right though you were right to mention that there are other ways the cashier could’ve asked him that question. It felt right to me at the time but now that you’ve mentioned it makes me think. However it is a small adjustment if any. Like always you deliver with feedback and it is always valued. This is still a way to go and the conclusion is temporary. I will enhance and turn up the heat eventually. Many thanks for your thoughts.

John,

I usually don't read these types of scripts, but I was looking for a short read... It pulled me in, and I found myself searching for the actual location of this tower.

You writers on the other side of the pond have great imaginations. It's either the fish and chips or something is in the water.

Very inventive.

Frank Dellipoala

New draft still not uploaded.

Perhaps email or PM Don?

Ok Libby. I’ll do that then.

I read the version that was posted. If a newer version is posted that make my comments out of date, feel free to chastise my picture. I don’t mind reading it again if it gets updated.

I think this might be my favorite piece of yours if I haven’t mentioned that already. I have enjoyed watching the development from how this started as a Kiki Carruthers X-Files-like episode to a detective story on its own. Now it’s a sci-fi feature.  The multiple titles on the title sheet suggest that this might be expanding into being part of a sci-fi series.

Is it? Will you be introducing new characters dealing with the further developed Bronze aliens?

I have a few comments to contribute:

At the bottom of page 5, Scene 5, you have a paragraph that I’m not sure can be filmed. You mention apartment ownership and how most of them are purpose built for the aliens and some are left for experimental purposes. How are you going to explain this on screen?

I found a few things I can help you with:

Page 37 in the Estate Agent’s dialog, he says, ”I want her body put that room.” (put  IN  that room)

Page 39 on Royston Clegg’s first dialog: The first line after (pauses) reads, “However, Bronze would like us to begin their urgent need for human…”  I think “…begin FULFILLING their urgent need…” is what you meant to write.

Between pages 49 and 50 there is an extra piece of a page. Also, the bottom margin is at the very bottom of the page. Something broke on you. I don’t know if the problem is with the script software or with the conversion to PDF.

There may be other things that I missed or mistook for quirks in speaking mannerisms.

Anyway, I like the new beginning in that it gives a scary, ominous feel to what we are up against. I’m not sure if I like the new ending. While the previous version wasn’t much different, it was sad to see characters that I had been rooting for disappear like that. However, the occasional dark ending keeps the action suspenseful for the happy endings.

Hey Michael thanks for the read. Those nitpicks you mentioned have been sorted. Unfortunately the newer draft has still not been uploaded. In relation to the piece where you cannot see how this would be filmed - basically you wouldn’t because it is something that would not actually appear on screne, only subliminally. The idea behind this is to create an fear and paranoia for its viewers and where residents are unsuspecting of the people they are actually living with. Thanks. Hi