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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  A Place of Worship - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A Place of Worship - WT4  (currently 1259 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Place of Worship by Mr Meyer - An avid collector needs just one more signature to complete his collection. - Short, Action


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Well isn't this contradictory


Quoted Text
Ahead looms a modern Church, an empty lot on either side.


Quoted Text
The car stops, one of just a few parked up.


An empty car park with a few cars parked lol

anyway...

Built like a brick wall? - I think you mean built like a brick outhouse (or, brick shithouse)

"with muscles that turned to fat after he left school." - eurgh, what a terrible line and waste of space on the page.


Quoted Text
DWIGHT
Complete, about twenty grand.


I like this Dwight character... and the above line is perfect for the character you have set up, the outright naivety of telling a stranger what his card collection is worth.

I was enjoying the absurdity of this, the characters were really good, the descriptions were nice and visual - but then it ended, badly. I guess you ran out of space, and time - such a shame.

The church - you ain't fooling me lol This is a strip club location, not a church - sure you set the strip club in the church but that was just to squeeze past the parameters, there is no explanation or reason for this church to be a strip club. but you know, c'est la vie.

The writing is really good, but sometimes too overwritten and forced in places for my liking.

Overall, decent attempt


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, this one is reallllllllllllly pushing the limits of the challenge parameters. I'm guessing there are going to be several people call you out on this.

Frankly, for me, the story really didn't go anywhere. Dwight shows up to get the autograph of the stripper and Harry tries to steal the cards from him.  After a fight, the stripper he wants the autograph from shows up and it just ends abruptly.  No resolution to the story at all.  Up until that point, it was fairly interesting, but the way it ending feels unsatisfying.

I think you spent a full page just getting Dwight into the club, and you could have cut that down dramatically -- basically start with Dwight entering the club. You could then finish the story on a proper note.

Still, overall a decently written piece, but just an unfinished one.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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"A series of pews are arranged in front of a raised stage cum runway." Slippery runway for a strip club. Ouch. Had to say it.

Okay, that was kind weird, kinda funny. Nice take on the challenge; very creative - good job.

I liked Dwight. An everyday Joe that just wants a stripper's signature. Decent dialog and writing as a whole. I was expecting Kitten to catch a stray bullet and was happy she didn't get shot.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Not loving your title but I LIKE your logline--we have a clear goal stated.

I used to complain about no FADE IN ...BUT recently in some studying and reading, I came across several different people who said FADE IN was sort of outdated. So not nit picking that this time, but may still bother some.

Many typos, grammar issues...but expected in a quick weekend of writing.

Why did Dwight stop at the church in the first place? Need some reason.. either he's going to church, or his tire blew out, or maybe he's going to see the first ever strip church.. just need some reason why he'd show up there.

OK to get the signature. Cute take.

CHURCH INTERIOR -- INT. CHURCH  ... noticed other slugs not correct... just saying may want to clean those up.

raised stage cum runway -- WTF is this?

This was a strange little piece. I LOVE that it is definitely original. Like Dwight pretty good. Think a lot of the descriptions need trimming down and the story needs a good rewrite but I believe this could be a funny great little story. Good job.
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eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Doesn't meet the parameter IMO - at least in spirit.

So, the church is a strip club. Nothing churchy about it.  Going about it like this really means location will never really be a parameter - just make it what you want.  Sorry, but it's a story set in a strip club.



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Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  June 27th, 2019, 6:49pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Code

He brays on the door again.



As far as I know, a donkey brays. I've Googled the definition just in case there's a secondary definition I wasn't aware of, but there doesn't appear to be.

Page 4 and no action.

Action films have action all the way through. They may take a breath here and there to tell some type of thin story, but mostly, they're action. Here you just have a drama.
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Warren
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
an empty lot on either side.
The car signals and turns into the Church car park.
CAR PARK - CONTINUOUS
The car stops, one of just a few parked up.


Always good to be consistent, maybe change the first one to near empty or quiet.


Quoted Text
stage cum
runway


stage-cum-runway I think.

This feels like it’s set in a strip club not a church. I see you used Sean’s stipulation as your title, I'm still not buying it.

The action takes a while to get going, feels like straight drama for the first few pages.


Quoted Text
DWIGHT
Kitten!
A swish of velvet curtain and KITTEN NATIVIDAD saunters in.
KITTEN
Someone holler?


This ending was cringe worthy. The rest of the story wasn’t bad with some pretty strong writing.

All the best.


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Spqr
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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It takes a special kind of guy to worship at the Stripper Church, and Dwight is definitely special. I liked the story and your main character, but I don’t believe that the charmingly pneumatic Ms Natividad is still taking her clothes off at her advanced age. Unless, of course, miracles are performed in this church…
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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A Place of Worship

The script had a nice, dark vibe. First I had doubts that you eventually somehow get it on track but finally it turned into genre and never let go. You invented a shady, enjoyable setting.
What can I say, filthy people, filthy place - Good work.



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PKCardinal
Posted: June 29th, 2019, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I'll give you a pass on the parameters. Yes, you very definitely pushed the limits with location... and I was all ready to ding you on action... but, like the location you just barely gave us enough. Don't push it this much next time... you might not squeak past.

The world was definitely unique, as was the use of the trading cards.

Most of the 1st page could be cut, giving you more room to flesh (I probably should choose a different word) out the story. As it sits... there's really no resolution.


PaulKWrites.com

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jayrex
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I enjoyed this one.  I liked the setting.  The reason to get her signature.  And the action was decent too.  There’s a few mistakes in there but who cares.  For 72 hours this one is good.  I can see this one finishing high up.


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FrankM
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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This story does not take place in a church... it takes place in a strip-club decked out in a church motif. The trading card plays a prominent role, so well done on that front.
You seem to know a lot about this particular kind of entertainer
The action is broken up well, reads quickly. There's the occasional rough patch, but that's a first-draft thing.
Another story where the object fought over gets destroyed. It wasn't even that valuable, just important to Dwight.


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Additional scripts are listed here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for your reads and feedback, appreciatedas always.

A few comments on the comments...

Matthew - a vacant lot either side means (to me at least) that the 'lot' of land either side is vacant, not that the carpark is as that's part of the Church lot.

The church aspect... the criteria didn't specify an active place of worship as far as I recall, and there is more worshipping going on here than most churches these days... which was the subtext. Was also inspired by real incidences of deconsecrated churches being used as strip joints... I think the Pope has even bemoaned it.

Spqr - Nope, I don't think Kitten is still actively stripping, so here it's just an appearance type thing, or artistic license

FrankM - I know a little about her as I'm a Russ Meyer fan.

Thanks all


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood

Matthew - a vacant lot either side means (to me at least) that the 'lot' of land either side is vacant, not that the carpark is as that's part of the Church lotl


Oh I see - my bad. I wouldn't associate "lot" with a piece of land, I'd use "plot" personally, which is why I didn't understand.


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