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Page 1. Double introduction. Awesome! He must be important!
Page 2. Just a personal preference, but IMHO, it's better with --
JAMES (on phone) You sure?
--rather than V.O. Though not wrong, it makes it sound in my head as if the voice is not part of the scene, but rather laid on top of it like a narrator. (on phone) makes me immediately hear the voice through a phone filter.
Page 3. Crusty withered fingers. You make him seem like he's a hundred years old.
Okay finished. Sci-fi, check. Broken down car, check. Handsaw, sort of. You had a power saw.
As far as the story itself goes, it wasn't bad at all, just a bit old hat, IMO. I wished you had the time to come up with something unique that made this stand out some. A twist or something. Right now it's rather predictable. What if you kept Earl's face hidden like you have now so we think there's something wrong with him, but when he gets to Stacey, it's her who has the alien slugs inside and tries to kill him.
Boy, you're adamant that Earl's face is NEVER to be seen. But it actually is, later, right, because Stacey kicks him in the face and we see it splitting open.
Another note, when Stacey is talking with James on the phone and you use (V.O.) with him, it probably ought to be (V.O. PHONE) -- I know it seems obvious, right, but technically I think that's the way it should be done.
This isn't bad at all. Nice little story, probably could actually be written out as a feature. Pretty solid job in my opinion.
Best of luck, and congrats on finishing the challenge! Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Some hiccups here and there - like repeating Earl's description - but solidly written for the most part. Story-wise - not much there - it's like a scene from a feature rather than a complete story, IMO
An asteroid that enters Earth’s atmosphere becomes a meteor. Aliens coming in on these space rocks is one of the oldest tropes in pulp fiction. Whatever type of creature a writer comes up with, it’s going to face stiff competition from everything that’s come before. The problem with the slugs that pop out of the infected in this script is that they don’t seem to anything “special” to their victims. Sure, they turn into homicidal maniacs, but what doesn’t?
Ah, yes - the perils of rewriting in a tight timeframe. Bet you are giving yourself a big ol' face slap for that double introduction lol never mind, shit happens.
The meteor/asteroid distinction in the previous comment can be ignored, it's mentioned in dialogue - your character can call it whatever they want - mistakes like that are what make characters human and less like robots.
"As the blade SAWS into the glass," - Is that a thing that can happen? Don't cars have safety glass and so shatter? I dunno... but it's horror so who cares, don't even know why I'm mentioning it.
A slight inconsistency - why would the slugs fall out of Marge's mouth at the end? They don't appear to like it outside of a host so why would they do it willingly? and if they are not in Marge, how do they control here.
That aside, it was a good horror short - nothing original or groundbreaking - a tried and tested formulae but it was done well. Visually, I would start somewhere else, the meteor bursting through the atmosphere, or landing - or even have it already land and we see Earl approach the steaming crash site - something to kick us off in style.
Can't say that it's really original. Invasion of the Body Snatchers with tentacles.
I can get picky that Earl uses a power-saw not a hand-saw but...survey says? Nice that you included a Ford Pinto, so the broken down car is a given.
A few errors and a 'EARL REYNOLDS, 55, country strong, wears a gray jumpsuit. (NOTE: Earl’s face is NEVER to be seen.)' double-take. When I'm rushed, I do the same thing with double words but this is huge. If someone else is available to proof read, that would've easily been noted.
No copyright notice, so I'm stealing it! (Just kidding)
NOTE: Earl’s face is NEVER seen clearly.
It would seem less that you're hiding something if you just "casually" mention in the action that we're seeing Earl from behind. It's also not true that we "NEVER" see Earl's face. Asteroid is the wrong term; that's a rock in space. Once it enters the atmophere it's a meteor, and once it hits the ground it becomes a meteorite. James isn't intro'd properly. It's hard to do non-awkwardly when someone is only ever heard on the phone, but it's still supposed to happen. Might want to INTERCUT between the road and the Pinto interior, but I think what's there now works fine. Very well done for just five pages.