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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  A New Present - WT5 - Optioned Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A New Present - WT5 - Optioned  (currently 3446 views)
Spqr
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Science fiction calls for the willing suspension of disbelief. But to believe Paul created a time machine in his garage calls for more suspension than I’m capable of. For some reason, however, I have it in the back of my mind that the “transition” to the past is all in Paul’s mind.

Whatever the case, the script is well written and the dialogue is good. The plot brought to mind Pet Cemetery: The father is so heart broken he resurrects his dead son. Paul is attempting pretty much the same thing. So could Paul’s son, Freddy, turn out to be a “disappointment” a la Pet Cemetery?
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JEStaats
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Um, what happened to Past Paul when Present Paul shows up? Did I miss something? Of course the time machine would work, otherwise there would be no SF, just drama.

I don't think all the SUPERS are necessary. I think only the first Past and Present would be adequate. Put a calendar on the wall but it would be obvious jumping back and forth.

Well written, no surprises, characters were pretty thin and didn't get me too vested in them.

Good job.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Drama/Sci-Fi and very nicely done, very strong writing on display here.

My only niggle is that a saw falling like that wouldn't do damage like that, that's why Monsieur Guillotine invented his machine.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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FrankM
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
A small section of the garage comprises of shelving filled with tools, another houses a desk and what appears to be a makeshift office.

This reads awkwardly.
Paul and Anna are each heard before being intro'd. It's a balancing act to keep the reader informed and the pace chugging along, and I've definitely seen this kind of arrangement in prior scripts. Just don't think I've ever seen it in a pro script.
The writer(s) of Frozen painted themselves into a similar corner when intro'ing the talking snowman Olaf. They sort of punted and literally used "Let's call this voice OLAF" in an action line.
Handsaw seemed shoe-horned in (any number of tools, or just the fall, could have killed the boy), but it counts.
So many questions about what happens next after FADE OUT. But James doesn't care, so it's a perfectly good spot to end the story.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilot:
"Kord" (Fantasy)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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khamanna
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Nicely written but predictability kind of spoiled it for me. It's just the story is a bit generic.
Other than that you packed a lifetime into 5 pages. I respect that.
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ReneC
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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I liked this for the most part, until time travel crept in. It isn't entirely out of the blue, you did have a rhythm of past and present established, but it feels like the time travel worked just to fit the criteria. Otherwise the ending seems like it should have been tragic.

It's not bad writing, and it is suitably horrific in its portrayal of loss and grief. I feel like I didn't quite get the ending, it felt rushed and clunky compared to the rest, but you were running up against the page count.

Not bad. Criteria met.


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jayrex
Posted: July 10th, 2019, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's okay.  Personally I'd set this in the future.  Time travel to save a love one is bit overplayed IMAO.  Also, he appears to be shit at renovating his car, so to manage time travel is a huge leap for mankind to accept.


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Warren
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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This script has been removed because it has been optioned to filmmaker Marieke Niestadt. I'm especially excited about this because I do love the script (it has changed slightly since the WT), but also because Marieke's work is fantastic.

If you check out her website you may see a familiar name

http://www.mariekeniestadt.com


Award-Winning Screenwriter

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eldave1
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
This script has been removed because it has been optioned to filmmaker Marieke Niestadt. I'm especially excited about this because I do love the script (it has changed slightly since the WT), but also because Marieke's work is fantastic.

If you check out her website you may see a familiar name

http://www.mariekeniestadt.com


Super news Warren.  She is great.  Very talented


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Super news Warren.  She is great.  Very talented


Thanks, Dave. Really hoping this all comes together.


Award-Winning Screenwriter

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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eldave1
Posted: January 21st, 2020, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren


Thanks, Dave. Really hoping this all comes together.


It will


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Awesome news, Warren. Good luck and keep us informed.
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Warren
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JEStaats
Awesome news, Warren. Good luck and keep us informed.


Thanks, John. Much appreciated, and will do.


Award-Winning Screenwriter

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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Warren
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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So this looks like it's very much coming together, Paul and Anna have been cast and I couldn't possibly be happier. Location scouting is happening soon and a meeting is taking place for the building of the time machine!!!

I feel like it doesn't happen often but it is an absolute pleasure when you get to work with filmmaker like this.


Award-Winning Screenwriter

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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eldave1
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
So this looks like it's very much coming together, Paul and Anna have been cast and I couldn't possibly be happier. Location scouting is happening soon and a meeting is taking place for the building of the time machine!!!

I feel like it doesn't happen often but it is an absolute pleasure when you get to work with filmmaker like this.


For sure!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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