A New Present by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Somebody I Used To Know - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - After a horrific accident, a father's undying love drives him to achieve the impossible. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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script removed.

A NEW PRESENT from Marieke Niestadt on Vimeo.

Another pretty good one. Think I might know who wrote this.

At first I didn't like how you were handling the time jumps, but it came together at the end.

Really strong work here. Top marks from me.

Woohoo Time Travel!   Very clean and easy to read.   I gotta say I enjoyed it. I'm always a sucka for a good scyfy script.   This was nice.  Visual, moved quickly, established characters and settings vividly... left me wanting more.  Nothing to rip.   It would only be nit-picking.  The other scripts in R5 are going to be hard pressed...

Sorry if this sounds like lame feedback.  Best of luck!  -Andrea

This is not cool writer! do you know how bad you have made my script look with this entry?
Seriously, why did you have to go and make it look so easy?

Positives - Well written, a great story that provokes the right emotions, characters we can empathize with and a satisfying conclusion.

Negatives - you made my script look like it was written by a drunk chimp with sight impairment.

Nice work

Predictable once I learned that Freddy died, but written expertly IMO. Emotions show in all three characters. Cute moment with Paul and Freddy pretending to race.

Not much to say here as it's in good shape already. Checked all the parameters and story was good. I imagine this one will be a contender.

Good Luck!  

A New Present

The story is okay as a drama. The script is clean and the handsaw has a remarkable moment.

However, the story is a drama. This simply is no Science Fiction script. While the payoff tries to say it, the true story experience is not the slightest in the genre. Possibly, someone who is not familiar with writing the SF genre. So... criteria not met here.

Quoted from PrussianMosby A New Present The story is okay as a drama. The script is clean and the handsaw has a remarkable moment. However, the story is a drama. This simply is no Science Fiction script. While the payoff tries to say it, the true story experience is not the slightest in the genre. Possibly, someone who is not familiar with writing the SF genre. So... criteria not met here.

Time travel is a large part of this script. How is that not Sci-Fi?

Didn't write this, btw. Wish I did, though.

Hahaha. So, the reveal explains the Drama was actually a Science Fiction script???

Ridicolous. That's not how genre works. Genre is honest and clear.

Wow !! Well written piece. Perfectly captured emotions from all 3 characters. Handsaw played a key role. Amazing job here.

Since you emphasize it in the way you do… hmmm...

Quoted from Warren the main character spends half the script building a time machine, so we have a sci-fi.

Exactly, this is what not happens on the screen, in the reality of the story we watch. The script hides that all from the reader. There's nothing of a SF feel, atmosphere, plot until the reveal that wants to be it in hindsight.

At the bottom of page 4 is the very first moment of a fiction element on screen that is touchable and real - actually on screen.

It is a drama.

Congrats - really well written. Parameters nailed. Clever use of the hacksaw.

A nice full circle story in five pages - well done.

I’ll say I liked this, well-written, nicely constructed and with a bit of heart to it.  Wasn’t crazy about the SUPER’s, but I understand you used them to get your end result.

I just need clarity about the ending. He is back in the “new present” but how old is his son now?  The dad has aged but has the boy?  Did Paul go back in time and stop the boy from dying?  If so (and here is where my head starts hurting), then he wouldn’t have needed to build the time machine afterwards to take him back, right?  Or alternatively, the boy would have aged just like his father. But I feel like I’m missing something here that I can’t put my finger on.

Still great job on the writing.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston I’ll say I liked this, well-written, nicely constructed and with a bit of heart to it.  Wasn’t crazy about the SUPER’s, but I understand you used them to get your end result. I just need clarity about the ending. He is back in the “new present” but how old is his son now?  The dad has aged but has the boy?  Did Paul go back in time and stop the boy from dying?  If so (and here is where my head starts hurting), then he wouldn’t have needed to build the time machine afterwards to take him back, right?  Or alternatively, the boy would have aged just like his father. But I feel like I’m missing something here that I can’t put my finger on. Still great job on the writing. Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge! Gary

Time travel movies always give me a headache if I think about it - and logically, they almost never make sense - so I try not to overthink them

If he went back in time and saved his son, the timeline where he built the machine no longer exists and so he didn't go back to save his son, but if he didn't go back to save his son, the original timeline where he built the machine comes back into existence... And now we have an endless time loop lol

I did think of one question though - if he went back in time and is still his future self in the past, where is the past father? Does the kid have two dad's now? Or did he replace past dad?... I see a dark sequel in the works where future dad has to "get rid" of past dad so his son doesn't discover the truth

I'm sorry, I'm going to be the dissenting voice on this one:

His hand circles the handle of a handsaw. It pulls free of
it’s casing and follows Freddy on his descent.
Twisting as he falls, Freddy instinctively raises his hands
to protect himself. The blade of the handsaw sits flush
across his throat, then--

I just can't envisage that happening with a handsaw. It surely would just clang to the ground or cut his hand. This is the type of problem I had when thinking up story - using it as weapon or lethal instrument in a believable way. A hand-saw works on push-pull momentum to cut and its bladed teeth are coarse and pointed. I had a similar but slightly lesser problem with it being used as a weapon in The Cold Invasion.

I didn't make it this far and I won't be voting so you can just disregard what I'm saying. I think more than anything the big problem is credibility with this object being utilised in a credible fashion. If it was a knife there are plenty of freakish lethal accidents that can occur with them. I think if this script were made the Producer would be wise to change this element.

Time travel stories are good entertainment (albeit a bit mess-with-your-head logic-wise) and you wrote the emotional component in well. You met all the parameters.

It may be just me who finds that handsaw supernaturally all powerful and in the end visually a little silly. That's not your fault. I personally blame Sean.  

P.S. I wrote a script with the title: Someone I Used To Know - your moniker. I think you need something more emotive similar to that for your title. A New Present, even though I get the play on words, doesn't do the story justice imh.

Nicely done.

Predictable in a sense... that is, if you have access to the logline, and are told the genre in advance. However, on screen, this critique melts away.

It's a simple story with good emotional punch and a nice payoff.

Overall, well done.

Science fiction calls for the willing suspension of disbelief. But to believe Paul created a time machine in his garage calls for more suspension than I’m capable of. For some reason, however, I have it in the back of my mind that the “transition” to the past is all in Paul’s mind.

Whatever the case, the script is well written and the dialogue is good. The plot brought to mind Pet Cemetery: The father is so heart broken he resurrects his dead son. Paul is attempting pretty much the same thing. So could Paul’s son, Freddy, turn out to be a “disappointment” a la Pet Cemetery?

Um, what happened to Past Paul when Present Paul shows up? Did I miss something? Of course the time machine would work, otherwise there would be no SF, just drama.

I don't think all the SUPERS are necessary. I think only the first Past and Present would be adequate. Put a calendar on the wall but it would be obvious jumping back and forth.

Well written, no surprises, characters were pretty thin and didn't get me too vested in them.

Good job.

Drama/Sci-Fi and very nicely done, very strong writing on display here.

My only niggle is that a saw falling like that wouldn't do damage like that, that's why Monsieur Guillotine invented his machine.

Good job.

Quoted Text A small section of the garage comprises of shelving filled with tools, another houses a desk and what appears to be a makeshift office.

This reads awkwardly.
Paul and Anna are each heard before being intro'd. It's a balancing act to keep the reader informed and the pace chugging along, and I've definitely seen this kind of arrangement in prior scripts. Just don't think I've ever seen it in a pro script.
The writer(s) of Frozen painted themselves into a similar corner when intro'ing the talking snowman Olaf. They sort of punted and literally used "Let's call this voice OLAF" in an action line.
Handsaw seemed shoe-horned in (any number of tools, or just the fall, could have killed the boy), but it counts.
So many questions about what happens next after FADE OUT. But James doesn't care, so it's a perfectly good spot to end the story.

Nicely written but predictability kind of spoiled it for me. It's just the story is a bit generic.
Other than that you packed a lifetime into 5 pages. I respect that.

I liked this for the most part, until time travel crept in. It isn't entirely out of the blue, you did have a rhythm of past and present established, but it feels like the time travel worked just to fit the criteria. Otherwise the ending seems like it should have been tragic.

It's not bad writing, and it is suitably horrific in its portrayal of loss and grief. I feel like I didn't quite get the ending, it felt rushed and clunky compared to the rest, but you were running up against the page count.

Not bad. Criteria met.

It's okay.  Personally I'd set this in the future.  Time travel to save a love one is bit overplayed IMAO.  Also, he appears to be shit at renovating his car, so to manage time travel is a huge leap for mankind to accept.

This script has been removed because it has been optioned to filmmaker Marieke Niestadt. I'm especially excited about this because I do love the script (it has changed slightly since the WT), but also because Marieke's work is fantastic.

If you check out her website you may see a familiar name

http://www.mariekeniestadt.com

Quoted from Warren This script has been removed because it has been optioned to filmmaker Marieke Niestadt. I'm especially excited about this because I do love the script (it has changed slightly since the WT), but also because Marieke's work is fantastic. If you check out her website you may see a familiar name http://www.mariekeniestadt.com

Super news Warren.  She is great.  Very talented

Quoted from eldave1 Super news Warren.  She is great.  Very talented

Thanks, Dave. Really hoping this all comes together.

Quoted from Warren Thanks, Dave. Really hoping this all comes together.

It will

Awesome news, Warren. Good luck and keep us informed.

Quoted from JEStaats Awesome news, Warren. Good luck and keep us informed.

Thanks, John. Much appreciated, and will do.

So this looks like it's very much coming together, Paul and Anna have been cast and I couldn't possibly be happier. Location scouting is happening soon and a meeting is taking place for the building of the time machine!!!

I feel like it doesn't happen often but it is an absolute pleasure when you get to work with filmmaker like this.

Quoted from Warren So this looks like it's very much coming together, Paul and Anna have been cast and I couldn't possibly be happier. Location scouting is happening soon and a meeting is taking place for the building of the time machine!!! I feel like it doesn't happen often but it is an absolute pleasure when you get to work with filmmaker like this.

For sure!

I think I missed the original announcement, congrats Warren and great to hear it's coming together so well and quickly, look forward to seeing the results.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I think I missed the original announcement, congrats Warren and great to hear it's coming together so well and quickly, look forward to seeing the results.

Thanks, Anthony. I'm really excited to see how this turns out.

Here's the location of the shoot with the car/time machine

Looks great.  Can't wait to see how it turns out.  Congrats.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Looks great.  Can't wait to see how it turns out.  Congrats. Ghost

Thanks


Casting for the husband and wife is locked in, so is the location and shoot date in early march...

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0720671/?ref_=tt_cl_t10

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0618574/?ref_=tt_ov_st_sm

Quoted from Warren Here's the location of the shoot with the car/time machine

perfect!

How cool! A Volvo Amazon! Grew up with those.  

Thanks, Pia and Dave, it's really coming together quite well.

How cool is the car, such a good find.

Quoted from Warren If you check out her website you may see a familiar name http://www.mariekeniestadt.com

I found it! I found the familiar name!

(Congrats, Warren. Can't wait to see this!)

Quoted from PKCardinal I found it! I found the familiar name! (Congrats, Warren. Can't wait to see this!)

Definitely a name I'm happy to be placed with.

Quoted from Warren Definitely a name I'm happy to be placed with.

Thanks,  mate. Same here

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks,  mate. Same here

I did a minor rewrite on this adding a tiny bit but the biggest change was the son became a daughter. Saw the casting today and Marieke nailed it.

Really can't wait for all of this to come together.

You will be happy

Everything I see regarding Marieke's work screams "you're in good hands." The kind of director we all are dying to work with.

Keep us posted!

Quoted from PKCardinal Everything I see regarding Marieke's work screams "you're in good hands." The kind of director we all are dying to work with. Keep us posted!

Will do! I think they are only 3 or 4 weeks away from the shoot if everything stays on track.

Sorry, I literally bumped this so we could have two "in production" shorts from the last WT together

It's a testament to the fact that OWC and WT are great for pushing your boundaries and getting things made.

This is set to film on the weekend.

Quoted from Warren Sorry, I literally bumped this so we could have two "in production" shorts from the last WT together It's a testament to the fact that OWC and WT are great for pushing your boundaries and getting things made. This is set to film on the weekend.

Looking forward to seeing it

Creatively, life is just good at the moment, I feel like I'm riding this incredible wave and I don't want it to end

I just saw the time machine as well, seriously amazing!!!

Quoted from Warren I just saw the time machine as well, seriously amazing!!!

Yep - she's the best

Quoted from eldave1 Yep - she's the best

Sure is!

A couple of stills from the edited film. It's now off to sound design and the music department.

Looks good!

Looks fantastic. Can't wait to see it.

Also, digging on cartoon Warren!

Quoted from PKCardinal Looks fantastic. Can't wait to see it. Also, digging on cartoon Warren!

I had Eli draw all the creators in their work environment for the Shaka Kickstarter, mine being on my couch haha. I'll email you the completed page, I should get it back from the letterer today.

Everything looks top-notch, congrats!

Curious if you know what kind of budget she's working with and how many minutes do you think it will end up?

Quoted from JEStaats Everything looks top-notch, congrats! Curious if you know what kind of budget she's working with and how many minutes do you think it will end up?

Thanks, mate.

Not sure on the budget, but based on the cast and crew and equipment used I cant imagine any expense was spared.

As far as run time goes, I think she said it clocks in at just under 10 minutes.

Looks pretty awesome, top notch production -- and they wrapped production just in the nick of time! Phew!

Can't wait to see it!

-- Michael

Yeah they snuck it in just before the world went mad.

Thanks, I can't wait to see it either.

This year just keeps getting better. Focus on the positive

Congrats, Warren. You know I can't wait to see this.

Thanks, Libby. I read Short Fuse the other day, top notch script, easy to see why it won and got snapped up so quickly.

Thanks, Warren. Still negotiating, but hopefully...
Oh, and I'd better set the record straight - it tied with Gary's beautiful script: I'll Be Seeing You. Still a win and a mug though.  

Anyway, as soon as we can all get a glimpse of this let us know. Looks like maybe not till after November at least?

fabulous

Congrats. I don’t think I read it but hopefully will get to watch it soon

Thanks, Kham and Dave.

I can't see this coming out any time soon. The filmmaker also made Dave's Meeting the Other Woman before A New Present and that's still not widely available either.

Another film festival for A New Present, happy days

NICE!!!

Quoted from eldave1 NICE!!!

Thanks, Dave!

Another day and another festival selection!

Another festival selection for A New Present, and pretty awesome to be screening alongside Dave's Meeting the Other Woman.

Very nice.

One fine day I'll get to see both.

Congrats, Warren!! Such exciting news!

Thanks, Libby and Yuvraj.

Another selection today...


upload

Looks like a global tour!

Quoted from Warren Another festival selection for A New Present, and pretty awesome to be screening alongside Dave's Meeting the Other Woman.

Gonna brag for me and Waren.

A NEW PRESENT - WON:

Best Film - Fantasy Drama
Best Screenplay (atta go WARREN!)
Best Production Design
Best Actor
Best Suporting Actress - Fantasy/Drama
Best Sound Design


MEETING THE OTHER WOMAN - WON:

Best Film - Drama
Best Dialogue (atta go me)
Best Director
Best Actress
Best Cinematography

We pretty much swept all categories between us - Marieke Neisdtandt (our Director for both films) is a fabulous talent.

Congrats, mate!

You beat me to it.

Very good outing for both films! And best screenplay for A New Present, happy days.

Quoted from eldave1 MEETING THE OTHER WOMAN - WON: Best Film - Drama Best Dialogue (atta go me) Best Director Best Actress Best Cinematography We pretty much swept all categories between us - Marieke Neisdtandt (our Director for both films) is a fabulous talent. Congrats, mate!

Congrats, Dave. Can't believe you won best dialogue, would never have seen it coming :p

I haven't stayed on top of things lately, but HUGE congratulations to both of you!!!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I haven't stayed on top of things lately, but HUGE congratulations to both of you!!!

Gracias

Quoted from Grandma Bear I haven't stayed on top of things lately, but HUGE congratulations to both of you!!!

Thanks, Pia. Much appreciated.

Wow, you guys! Just Wow!

Thrilled for you.