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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Tale of Tin Can Kade - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Tale of Tin Can Kade - WT4  (currently 785 views)
Don
Posted: July 27th, 2020, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tale of Tin Can Kade by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Samuel Fuller (Physician) - Short, Western - On a quest for vengeance, a grieving outlawís chance encounter with a scam artist turns out not to be a chance encounter at allÖ

Your Hero is the Villian: Items:  Leather Belt, Pharmacist, Observatory - pdf format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 11th, 2020, 11:53am
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JEStaats
Posted: July 27th, 2020, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Of course, I had to start my week off with a western, so here we go...and another hangin'!

Very interesting, in 1843, Cincinnati was the 6th largest city in the US and was considered the American boomtown for most of the 19th century. That said, the SUPER should be after a block or two of action to let give us a sense of place.

Back then, these medicine show Doctors would never label their tonic as Snake Oil. That was a derogatory term used by others to describe these potions. The term Cantina would probably never be used either at that time or place as the term is Spanish and the main immigrant flow at that time for the area was from Germany.

My favorite line "I woke up this morninÔŅĹ and decided that today I would be a vengeful man." This being said after he explains that in America you can be anyone or anything you want. Cool.

This first page seemed a little rough but from there on, it really seemed to hit a groove. I really liked this overall. Cade's exposition was delivered well enough where, for me, didn't come off too OTN.

Nicely done, I enjoyed this. Good work, writer.

EDIT: Geez, I forgot to mention the observatory. Was there a reason he went out of his way to use the telescope? Did I miss something there? I'm pretty sure he passed many a good hangin' trees by the time he got to the ol' scope shed. Be prepared to get called out for shoe-hornin'!
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khamanna
Posted: July 27th, 2020, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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There are things that I liked a lot about this and some that I did not.

It was hard to believe the doc will confide in Kade like that. Just spill out a secret which is his bread and butter.
And I think Kade's last speeches have to be rewritten to avoid unnecessary exposition.
I liked how he talked to them though. It might be a lot to say to someone that's not present, like talking to yourself but I felt for him.

The  thing I liked is  - I don't consider him a villain. But he probably is. You just portrayed him as someone too good. It doesn't matter if he kills that doc - that doc deserved it and you made us believe he does. So, I think you did good - a good guy is a killer. And he was a killer all his life, so yes to villain. Althugh he's not so villainy after all - which makes it better actually.

And I thought it was very entertaining. A complete story.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 27th, 2020, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a sucker for a snake oil salesman... let's see where this one goes.

Okay, so a fairly straight forward revenge western, no great surprises but there are some very nice touches.

The only real issue I had was that the observatory was tacked on a tad.

Other than that good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevie
Posted: July 28th, 2020, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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John, we need to have an OWC completely devoted to executions!

This was a fair effort.  There is an error in your SUPER though - the Cincinnati observatory was built in 1873 not 1843. No matter! Oh, and also, Barth wouldíve taken ages to cark it as his neck wouldnít break with no drop (not that Iím an expert on hanging methods, no sir)

At first I thought the tin can was a variable but itís not lol. The Western ones in this WT have been good and this one continued that trend.



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mmmarnie
Posted: July 28th, 2020, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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This was a great idea and an entertaining story. What about the observatory though? Did I miss something?

A big question hit me while reading...why in the world would Doc reveal to Kade that he is a total fraud and his products fake? For me that wasn't believable. Just happened too quick, so freely offering info that would ruin him.

Just a suggestion...if you end your story with Doc's death and take out the dialog where Kade talks to himself, saying things we pretty much already know due to what you've already shown us...use that space to make it more believable Doc would share that secret. Just a thought.

Enjoyed it though. Nice job, writer.


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PKCardinal
Posted: July 28th, 2020, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Pharmacist? Hmmm.. well, who's being picky this week? Not me. (I'm not above needling you a little bit, though, am I?) Of course, maybe these travelling salesmen were considered the pharmacists of the time? If so, you can needle me right back.

The first page read very heavy. But, the flow and pacing improved from there. Not much in the way of surprises, but that's fine. All in all, a good story told pretty well.

The fact that this is just one of many salesmen that he's hunting down gives us a strong sense of the much larger story.

Nice work.


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LC
Posted: July 28th, 2020, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Nice dialogue befitting a Western.
All of the Westerns have been written well and had just the right authentic flavour to them, so great job there, and here once again, you should be pretty darned pleased with your efforts.

KADE
I know you didnít sell her the
tonic. Your kind did though.


Did you decide not to make him the bad guy cause you wanted to stress that Kade's the villain of the piece? Seems a bit arbitrary. Nothing wrong with two bad guys imho.

handsome and wild with a meaningless smile,
I think that might be better as a disingenuous smile.

You hit the elements. Physician is an all round diagnostician - he's just a fraudulent one and not your main character.

A very entertaining read and great job to boot.  

P.S. Hang on, he's a pharmacist - the Physician in brackets thing confused me. Yep, okay, lotions and potions and tonics, got it.


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Geezis
Posted: July 29th, 2020, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Really enjoyed this tale of revenge and heartbreak.
Not 100% sure about the observatory part, however other than that I thought this was very good.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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ajr
Posted: August 1st, 2020, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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So the backflips and twists to get the criteria satisfied are evident... snake oil salesman as pharmacist (called Doc), and the observatory as a method of death, since Doc fancied himself a learned man.

Stevie, Dr. Google says the Cincinnati observatory was founded in 1842, the last brick going in on November 9. Perhaps the writer set it in 1843 because it hadn't come online yet and was therefore still abandoned?

And I'll leave it to the Western experts here to decide whether a real Western can take place East of the Mississippi in a State of the Union and where the city in which it was set was founded 40 years before the story took place...

That aside, we have an interesting anti-hero and the twist on the revenge tale is that he has gone from robbing and killing to dedicating himself to the eradication of snake oil salesman. So good on that, and good on nailing the theme.

AJR


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stevie
Posted: August 1st, 2020, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Oops apologies to the writer...I misread google lol    It was 1843 then moved to the present site in 1873.  My bad   Cheers ajr Lol



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FrankM
Posted: August 1st, 2020, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this tale. It was fast-and-loose with what a pharmacist is, but everything else clicked like it belonged there. One quibble is that if Kade is going to watch Doc Barth's show for a while, Barth should have some lines in the scene. I know, I know... page limits.

Nice, touching monologue there at the end to humanize the villain, and it even sounded in-period. Well done all around.

Not really essential to the story, but the J. A. Folger & Co. coffee brand didn't exist until 1872. The "since 1850" on their logo refers to the original company before Folger bought it out. 1843 is a bit early for canned coffee, but moving the story by ten years or using a different kind of canned good probably wouldn't change much.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quick thanks to all. This is the first Western I've ever written and tbh I never thought I'd ever write one. I really enjoyed the experience.

The medicine man was the closest I could get to a pharmacist in that era and it took a while researching Observatories before I found one that fit. I'll take all the points raised on board when I do the next draft.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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These challenges always bring out the best in my work and part of that is down to forcing me out of my comfort zone.

I was pleased with The Tale of Tin Kade and the reaction to it. So much so I decided (like I do with most of the challenge scripts) to enter it into a competition. But not just any competition, it had to be one which specializes in Westerns.

I found one, right in the heart of Cowboy land and Iím pleased to announce it won Best Short Western Screenplay at the Cowpokes International Film Festival - https://filmfreeway.com/CowpokesIntlFilmFestival.

I donít say this to show off, as all Iíve won is a trophy and the festival isnít a major influencer in the industry. I share it to show how fantastic these challenges are and how good it is for us writers to step outside our comfort zone. Iím a 49-year-old guy from the UK and a working-class background who has won a Western screenplay competition in Texas, and I find that incredible.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Nice one, Mark!

Nothing wrong with a little showing off lol

But yeah, these challenges force me to write stuff I wouldn't write normally and sometimes I am pretty happy with the end result.


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