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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Armor of Belial Moderators: bert
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  Author    Armor of Belial  (currently 5707 views)
tomson
Posted: April 6th, 2006, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FilmMaker06
I'll have my lame excuse for a review compared to those guys posted with in the next few days.

So far, its awesome! Another great epic. Be proud...you're one of the greats.


Don't call your review a lame excuse.
If you go to the movies or watch them at home it qualifies you to have an opinion.

Just make sure you at least tell the author why or why not you liked their story.
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George Willson
Posted: April 6th, 2006, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson
Don't call your review a lame excuse.
If you go to the movies or watch them at home it qualifies you to have an opinion.

Just make sure you at least tell the author why or why not you liked their story.


Amen to that! Some people over-analyze stuff (like me) and others just have general feelings about what went right and what didn't. Either review is still perfectly acceptable and appreciated.



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FilmMaker06
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Like I said, George, another GREAT epic from you. There is't much I can say that hasn't already been said.

Everything about this script was right. I don't know how you come up with character names, plots, etc. but I know one thing...I wish I could do it.

I love fantasy books and movies and I love adventure and epic tales (like you) so you can pretty much count on me liking mostly anything you add to the adventure section.

Again, great job on this! Now off to finish all of  The Fempiror Chronicles!
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George Willson
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FilmMaker06
Everything about this script was right. I don't know how you come up with character names, plots, etc. but I know one thing...I wish I could do it.


Here's a secret. Of the scripts I can remember, this is number 39. So 38 scripts were written before this one meaning that I have practised this craft a lot. Just like any other skill, writing requires practice, and you really have to want to do it. you're starting younger than I started on this craft, so by the time you reach script 39, it could be better than this one. So at the end, there is nothing terribly special or any great myticism about it; I've just written a lot of stuff and after awhile, it really shows.

I hope you enjoy Fempiror. I'm working on a new episode...so it ain't over.



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FilmMaker06
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson

I hope you enjoy Fempiror. I'm working on a new episode...so it ain't over.


Yay!!!
--
I just have a hard time coming up with a good story. And coming up with good characters. And everything you HAVE to have to make a script.
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George Willson
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Try the screenwriting palette. I actually used that section of the Screenwriter's Bible to write this screenplay just to see what turned out...more or less for the fun of going through the questions. It worked well, I thought. It still takes a lot of imagination, but the questions can really spur the creativity.


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bert
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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There is a definite "Fempiror" vibe running through this, but it also stands alone as a unique piece of work.  And I've gotta say, these epic fantasies are really your niche, George.  Not too many people even attempt this kind of stuff, leave alone do it so well.  It's not quite as polished as your Fempiror pieces, but then, it's a lot younger, too.

I really enjoyed this one, but of course, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, either.  I got a few comments for you.  For this one, I didn't read any of the reviews prior to looking at your story.

(SPOILERS)

(1) I get what you are doing with the list of names, but it's a little off-putting, too.  Before I've even started I am thinking, "Geez how complicated is this going to be?" [Note later:  I'll also have you know that it was a giant pain in the asss to constantly have to check the spelling of the names while typing up these comments.]
(3) Vargus awakens in the morning, but the slug reads "Night".
(7) Nargoth says, "What's the deal?"  Too modern.
(21) Vargus finds the armor too quickly, I think.  Consider a brief montage -- some time passing -- a little more suffering -- before he makes this discovery.  As you've got it now, he's only been down there about 15 minutes.
(28 ) The thing with the throne is good.  But it seems that Sthennix's first instincts would be to look for Vargus' family.  Why doesn't he suggest this right off?
(59) Ertaf's bombshell is delivered a little too abruptly.  Ease into it, I think, or that particular line drops with a big "clang".
(83) So is it Vargus tossing these arrows or what?  I think that would look cool, and you should be showing it to us.  A Sub-Mariner kind of thing.
(86) "It's still a ways off, but we're almost there."  Change this silly line haha.
(88 ) "breathe", not "breath".
(90)  You are making Pratosh look stupid here, and you shouldn't.  He should tell Sthennix, "She is with child".  And later in this scene, if you are going to make Sthennix nasty enough to punch Ertaf in the face (and I'm not sure you should, actually), then he would be nasty enough to punch her in the stomach, too.
(96)  Let's do better than "wolf-like creature", shall we?  How large is it?  Fangs?  What color do its eyes glow in this desert night?
(112) I don't buy Nargoth knocking this guy unconscious just like that.  Since they are in a bay, could you work it so Nargoth knocks him right off the ship?
(118 ) Where is Vargas' family during all this?  We should at least see them watching and smiling.  Also, this big celebration at the end was a bit too "Star Wars" if you get my drift, and I suspect you do.  Everybody has seen that film, so don't think people won't notice that stuff.

And a few more general things:

You never explain to my satisfaction why this armor behaves the way it does, but I think that one is an easy fix.  Alatyr should have a chance to explain this in the tomb, at the very end.  Just have Vargus ask him why it would jump on and fall off like it does.

Right around the middle of this story I started feeling that maybe we were spending a bit too much time with Tristan and Ertaf.  This is while Vargus was sleeping.  That section kind of dragged for me.  And why is Tristan always telling Vargus to sleep anyway?  He sounds like an old woman when he does this.

I also wondered why, in this world of flying boats and jet skis and whatnot, that everybody was carrying candles whenever they went anywhere dark. You would think they would have invented some other more reliable source of light. If not flashlights, then something else.

This last comment I'm not as sure about, but I'll put it out there anyway.  I am thinking that somehow you need to give us some hint as to where and when all of this is taking place.  It's obviously not Earth, but we get thrust into this alien world with absolutely no introduction, which is kind of jarring and leaves big questions.  At least Lucas gave us "in a galaxy far, far away."  That's pretty vague, sure -- but it was enough.  This is just something to think about if you agree.

So, apart from the gripes and all this is a really solid piece of work.  I had a good sense of all the characters and their conflicts throughout, and the story is engaging.  Hope these comments help you out with the polishing phase on this one.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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George Willson
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Appreciate the read and comments, Bert. I'll definitely take them into account when I get into rewriting on this one.

Not sure on the hint on where this is taking place. On the one hand, it is useful to know we're not on earth; but on the other hand, I start talking about other worlds and such, I start digging into the sci-fi aspect (albeit, this has a strong sci-fi vibe anyway). I can think of a couple of different ways to do it, so I'll give that some consideration.

And me and my wolf-like creatures. I do have a tendency to use wolves, don't I? It'll be like a trademark or something. Is it George's? Does it have a wolf of some sort in it? Do the characters have off-beat and weird names? Not to worry, my next wolf-like creatures get weirder...

The tagline? Oh yes, there will be wolves.


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bert
Posted: April 9th, 2006, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson
And me and my wolf-like creatures.


I think you've got me wrong here.  I don't have a problem with the wolves per se -- it is the description of the wolf-like creatures that I find wanting.

Because that's all you give us -- "wolf-like creatures" -- and that's it -- end of monster description.

The point of my comment was that you should describe the wolf-like creatures a little better -- give us some details -- particularly in regards to their size -- I was not saying that you shouldn't use them at all.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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George Willson
Posted: April 9th, 2006, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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I understood. That section was in my "just write it out and fix it later" section where I wrote a lot, but described little. I fixed a lot of that stuff, but still never did my trademark weird wolves. I'll make sure the next draft describes the wolves better.


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George Willson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I've uploaded a minor revision correcting some typos and tackling some of the minor and some overbearing issues. If you were considering reading it, but not sure what you could add, I've made some changes, so we can see if I did any good.

For right now, you'll notice the page count reads 136 pages as opposed to 119. This is because the font is Courier New as opposed to Courier or Courier Final Draft which are both essentially the same size as this, but the space is less between lines making it accomodate more in less space. I will fix this later to the font it was before so we know exactly what I did to it.

And oh yes, the wolves have a description. Of course, I gave them a different name, but oh yes, there are still wolf-like creatures...


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George Willson
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Another Writer. Thanks for givin it a read. I appreciate the feedback. It's bringing to light some of the weaknesses in my little story. Some of this is not the first time I've heard it meaning there is a lot of opportunity for improvement here. After I get some other stuff out of the way, I plan on doing some rewrites. Thanks again!

As for Fempiror, some people have said it's good, but what do I know?


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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey George.

I started reading this and after about 50 pages I knew this wasn't my thing, that is not saying that it is not well written because it is, it's just I'm not really into these types of stories.  Maybe I will finish it another time, becaue it IS so well written, I just couldn't get into it at this point.  I did however love the names you came up with, and your descriptions were very good.  Hope you don't hate me for this because I do think you are a good writer, that's why I chose to read this and gave it 50 pages, but I knew it wasn't for me.  


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George Willson
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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No reason to hate you for anything. Not everything is for everyone.


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FilmMaker06
Posted: May 26th, 2006, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey George.

I started reading this and after about 50 pages I knew this wasn't my thing, that is not saying that it is not well written because it is, it's just I'm not really into these types of stories.  Maybe I will finish it another time, becaue it IS so well written, I just couldn't get into it at this point.  I did however love the names you came up with, and your descriptions were very good.  Hope you don't hate me for this because I do think you are a good writer, that's why I chose to read this and gave it 50 pages, but I knew it wasn't for me.  


I'd give it maybe a week and a bomb will be dropped off at your door...
-Chris
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