SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 25th, 2019, 11:16pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Armor of Belial Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Armor of Belial  (currently 5466 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13198
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Armor of Belial by George Willson - Adventure - A slave places his family at risk when he discovers an ancient weapon and tries to overthrow the cruel leader of his world. 119 pages - pdf/rtf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 11:40am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4513
Posts Per Day
0.86
Yeah...he kinda' makes me sick that way....


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Special thanks on this one to Martin (aka Dr. Mabuse) for our pre-posting script exchange. He went over this one for me after I went over his Open Your Mind script.

I wrote a good portion of this one using the questions in the Screenwriting Palette just to see how well they would do for me. As a result, I am very happy with the way this one turned out. If I may be permitted a conceit, the third act turning point contains one of best lines I've ever written and even (and forgive me my conceit) one of the best I ever read or heard. Feel in rare form there.

Enjoy this and I'm always open to reading other people's stuff.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 35
Antemasque
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Regular


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
976
Posts Per Day
0.18
I'll be getting to this soon George. This isent really my type of movie and all but ill give it about 20/30 pages and see how it flows.

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 35
tonkatough
Posted: April 2nd, 2006, 4:53am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Australia
Posts
679
Posts Per Day
0.14
I'm sucker for fantasy high adventure. As soon as I saw the logline for this script I was keen to read.  This is a fun story with a soild structure and a plot that moves fast.  The idea of the Armour and how the hero takes full advantage of it to set right everything he deems wrong is awsome and pushes the story foward to its conclusion.  

I loved the villian. Not only is he just plain bad arse (willing to kill an unborn baby) but he is also flawed by his misguided belief that a great wrong has been done to him. This is top stuf and makes your  villian well rounded

I just have one question regarding the story that I found unclear. What happened to the armour at the climax of this story? Why did it behave like that when the hero touched it? Did it respond to love? Is it sentient? For me it just didn't add up.  

I enjoyed this and I hope to read more of your work as you post it on this site.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 2nd, 2006, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75

Quoted from tonkatough
I just have one question regarding the story that I found unclear. What happened to the armour at the climax of this story? Why did it behave like that when the hero touched it? Did it respond to love? Is it sentient? For me it just didn't add up.


Thans for reading, tonka. Glad you liked it.

One of the ideas behind the armor is that it responds to strong emotion. I did my best to setup exactly what the armor does when certain people with certain ideals interact with it. When Vargus first finds it, it attaches to him. When he goes unconscious, it drops off. Alatyr is easily able to tote it around without any kind of response from it. In the legend, Belial is defeated by Illian when Illian touches it, and Illian was said to be beyond reproach. When Vargus dons it again, Alatyr knocks it off of him with a touch, stating that love is stronger than hate. The armor responds most dramatically to those two extremes.

Throughout the story, I wanted to make that one point as clear as possible so that when we hit the two most crucial points of the story, the way the armor responds makes perfect sense.

Now, if you're looking for an explanation as to why the armor responds this way, it is never really explained. It was made for Belial by an unknown person, and that person was, unfortunately, not important enough to be passed down through the ages. We know it is enchanted somehow, and its enchantment makes it do what it does. If specifics are needed in these areas, I'll certainly look into adding them.

The easiest way to find everything I've posted is to go to the main site and searc for my name. I've got 30+ scripts on this site. The Fempiror Chronicles under series is oft considered to be a hgh point. You think this script has some backstory...


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 35
tonkatough
Posted: April 3rd, 2006, 3:37am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Australia
Posts
679
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hmm, very interesting. A suit of armor that reacts to emotions. When you explain it like this it makes perfect sense. So my guess was right about the armor responding to love. So your set up of that one crucial point in the story was spot on as it steered my thoughts in the right direction to where you wanted it to be. This is good script writing as you don't force feed that idea to me rather than let me come to my own conclusion. I just wasn't sure if my conclusion was the right one.

I just wanted to hear your version as it is your idea.

Oh yeah, your basic idea of having a hero having a powerful artifact latch on to him was brillant.  Your story reminded me of a Graphic Novel called Creature Tech by Doug Tennapel. It shares the same basic idea with your script. If you get a chance, check it out. It's a blast.

      


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 35
Mr.Z
Posted: April 3rd, 2006, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
790
Posts Per Day
0.15
Just finished this one, George. Got tons of comments, with

SPOILERS

I liked the idea behind the armor and its sensitiveness to human feelings; it felt like another character in the script despite being an object.

Yet, the role of the armor didn´t came up as hinted early in the script: its evil could consume the wearer, according to Alatyr. But I didn´t see much development of this evil angle; Vargus kicks some @ss with it but to free his people. I would suggest to develop Vargus’ “dark side” a bit more or not to hint it at all.

I liked the imaginary world you created and the whole setting in which the story takes place. My only trouble in terms of originality was with the Overseers. The scene were Tristam explains its origin to Vargus seemed very similar to the scene when Lama Su explains Obi Wan the clone making process, growth acceleration and artificial alteration of their independence.

While –I must admit- I never met with a producer myself, after reading lots of articles by professional screenwriters and readers, I´m under the strong impression that at the beginning of any script, FADE IN is the only thing a producer wants to read. Quotes, production notes, dedications, maps, photos, FAQ´s, or any other additional material, seem to be a huge no-no. So I suggest removing your pronunciation list, at least when showing this to someone outside your simply fanbase.

Considering a Flashback as “A literary or cinematic device in which an earlier event is inserted into the normal chronological order of a narrative.”, you can´t begin a script with a flashback since this can´t be an “earlier event”; it´s the first event, the only event so far. The first scene is alright, but I wouldn´t call it a “flashback” since technically it isn´t one.

P.1 They do not talk to each or anyone else in the line. In fact, no one in the line is talking at all - merely focused on getting to the tent one at a time.

IMO, three lines of action is way too much just to state  that the slaves are silent.

OVERSEERS, genetically engineered clones of exceptional strength whose only differences lie in their ages and scarring, walk up and down the line, coldly watching their charges.

“Exceptional strength” isn´t something visual enough to be recorded by the camera. Maybe if one of them is lifting a heavy object or kicking an enormous slave´s @ss, you could make the audience get this idea right of the bat.  

Same problem in P.10 when you describe  Alatyr as Tristam´s “trusted advisor”.

P.37/38
I wonder why didn´t you use a montage to tell the story behind the armor; it would fit perfectly in that scene. You´ve got other IMAGE and SERIES OF IMAGES scenes later, which also look exactly like typical montages, yet you formatted them differently.

P.45
After a hard struggle Tristam can convince Vargus to rest; he´s exhausted and will need the energy. I was expecting them to spend the night there or at least a couple of hours. Yet, after Tristam tells his story, they move on. Because of this, the resting break seemed a little bit pointless. If you want them to rest, have them rest for a relevant amount of time. If not, Tristam could tell his story as they move along.

P.55 Sthennix wants the armor badly, yet he seems reluctant to give Pratosh the resources he needs. After finding out the location of the armor, I would expect Sthennix to give Pratosh full cooperation, or take full control of the search mission and send a huge amount of Overseers himself.

P.63 I liked the personalized password idea.

P.71 “…they cannot stand against the wearer of the armor”. Alatyr´s faith in the wearer of the armor seems sudden and contradictory. Remember that during his first encounter with Vargus he tells him that “Sthennix is not so easily defeated, or even weakened”, that the armor´s evil will consume him, and that Belial´s dependence on the armor led to his doom.

P.57 ½ to P.72 ½ .
15 pages in which the protagonist doesn´t  appear. This can´t be good. I think Vargus should have a more relevant part to play than sleeping.

P.79 Why wouldn´t Pratosh think that the insurrectionists escaped through the forest instead of going back to re-search the caves? Maybe he could dispatch one search patrol to the forest and another one to the caves, to cover both fronts.

P.89
I liked the idea behind the pregnancy scene but it felt a little bit forced. I expected the ship´s medic to do a very precarious check to Ertaf (i.e. breathes, talks, doesn´t have open or infected wounds = she´s fine, whip her a bit more). It surprised me that the medic was able to find out an early pregnancy.

Pratosh says “There´s nothing. She´s an outcast. She has no one” but how would he know that? He didn´t question the two hundred outcasts at the caves, so as far as he knows, she could have someone back there.

P.91/92
Vargus and Tristam are surrounded and outnumbered. Yet the overseers take Tristam prisoner, and leave Vargus (and the armor) alone. This kept me wondering: What was Sthennix´s exact plan to get the armor back? He keeps doing nasty things to people to know about the armor´s location, yet when his men has the wearer surrounded, they leave him. Even if Vargus could defeat them all… shouldn´t they stay and watch him from the transports? Call for backup? Ask Sthennix for instructions?

Instead on focusing on the armor they bring Tristam to Sthennix so he can question him about the armor; doesn´t make much sense. I suggest working of the villains actions and motives a bit more.

The only reason I can imagine to make the overseers forget about Vargus and focus on Tristam is if Vargus escapes from them, and disappears into the forest. Even then, a search party should look into the forest while Tristam is interrogated.

P.93
IMAGE: A 5-year-old Sthennix happily living with his mother and father, doing as happy families do.

I suggest to be more specific here, much more specific. What is this family doing in this particular scene? I guess it should be a happy moment, but I can picture hundreds of those. You, the writer, should choose the most suitable one.

IMAGE: Sthennix and his parents live in a small shack, freezing and hungry.
Not visual enough for a screenplay, IMO. How do I know they´re freezing? Are they shaking? How do I know they´re hungry? Are they dividing an already small piece of bread into three even smaller bits?

P.99
STHENNIX
Imagine. You can have everything you´ve ever wanted, at the cost of everything you ever had.


In this thread you referred to a particular line of which you were very proud. If I had to guess, I would say this is the one. If not, well, just wanted to say I liked it a lot.

P.97/98
Vargus tells Sthennix he´s going to kill him… three times. One should be enough, IMO. Specially considering that we already know Vargus wants to kill Sthennix, and Sthennix already knows this as well. Besides, it doesn´t look good when characters say exactly what they think or plan to do; I would liked the scene better if you showed this idea more visually (i.e.Vargus steals some kind of weapon from a overseer and strides towards Sthennix).

P.99/100
Nargoth seems too cruel with his son who moments ago sacrificed his life in exchange of his family (which includes Nargoth as well). It didn´t feel real.

P.101
I´m not sure if you need this flashback scene. If I understood this correctly, the scene is repeated footage from the opening, and doesn´t give any new information to the audience. At this point we already know what happened in the mine, and is easy to connect the character´s dialogue with this event, without need of showing it again.

P.111/112
The deliberation about how they were going to take the guard felt too long; it´s just a guard after all. Of course this move should require some planning, but it´s not necessary for the audience to experience the previous deliberation. And I think it would be more surprising to show directly the three of them charging towards the overseer, without giving details about this beforehand.

And how does Nargoth knocks the guard to the ground exactly? Does he hit him with something? Maybe he has a Reez Wand?

P.115
I knew Sthennix would be defeated the same way in which Belial was, even before they started fighting. And I don´t belong to “the smart ones” of the audience, so this could be a bad sign. The climax seems logical but not unexpected.

I wonder if it was a wise move to tell Belial´s  *whole* story, so early in the script. You´re giving away your ending by doing this. On the other hand I´m well aware that you need this plant for the pay off to work.

You could establish early in the story that Belial was defeated; his armor “betrayed” him, but no one knows why. It adds a little more tension to Vargus’ quest; the armor could abandon him at any moment, he´s always at risk even when wearing the armor. You could even have some scenes in which the armor does “fail” him, but we don´t know why, although the reason is hinted.

When Vargus’ confronts Sthennix in the final showdown, he knows he can defeat him but he doesn´t know how (and more important, the audience doesn´t know either). While getting his @ss reeze wanded, Vargus does the math and figures the armor´s weakness. If this is possible and how is possible belongs to the author´s territory; I just hope this rant is thought provoking for you.

Despite these things I commented, it´s always a pleasure to read a script which shows that the author worked hard on it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Mr.Z  -  April 3rd, 2006, 4:31pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 3rd, 2006, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Mr. Z, thanks very much for the read and thorough commentary. I figured there'd be stuff in here like what you mentioned primarily because some of this was written a year and a half ago and some was written 2 months ago. Consistently, I get more comments on the old stuff while the newer stuff is left almost as is. It also seems like there are plants remaining in the script from actions the characters used to take, such as the rest stop where they don't rest. In the first draft, they spent the night there because there was no havens yet.

It seems also that some of the flashback issues you mention with Sthennix are still the first draft "placeholders" that I never went back and redid to some more proper description. Thanks for catching those.

The Overseers were probably the last thing conceived of. Originally, the idea was that they're the nomads that took in Sthennix, but I migrated to what's there now. I can alter the backstory a tad so we're not re-watching Attack of the Clones. The identical army is not original by any means, even to Star Wars. Need I mention the recent Oompa Loompas? However, I may return to my original idea just to escape the comparison.

And yes, you found the line. I tooled over that one for awhile. Still proud of it.

Again, thanks very much.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 35
Mr.Z
Posted: April 3rd, 2006, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
790
Posts Per Day
0.15
You´re welcome, George. I´m glad I helped.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 35
tonkatough
Posted: April 4th, 2006, 4:47am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Australia
Posts
679
Posts Per Day
0.14
The overseer clone idea is a rip off of Attack Of The  Clones.  Yeah I noticed this straight away but shrugged at it. So what? It's only a small detail.  The basic idea of a magical artifact latching onto a hero is hardly original.  In the Wizard of Oz, poor Dorothy gets stuck with the Ruby Slippers, the same slippers that the Wicked Witch wants and so hunts down and tries to destroy Dorothy.   It is what George does with this idea that makes his script so exciting.  Imagine if Dorothy could tap into the magical powers of the Ruby Slippers and smashed and bashed her way across the land of Oz and was equal in power to the Wicked Witch. How cool would have that been?  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 4th, 2006, 10:21am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Well, the term "rip-off" has come out, so it would apparently be prudent to return to the original idea I had for the Overseers. This little clone idea did not exist in the draft immediately prior to the one posted here; I only added it as a detail that I thought would work in the context of the world since Martin commented that the Overseers had no description...and actually it was after watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so my most immediate inspiration was the Oompa Loompas, rather than Lucas' clones.

That being beside the point, however, they'll be the first to go, and the Overseers wil return to being the humble nomads that brought Sthennix to power in the first place, so let's have no more talk about the "rip-off" clones. I know there are no truly original ideas, but I certainly don't want any blatant comparisons spoiling some mearsure of the originality I do have here.

And yeah, Dorothy blasting through Oz knowing about the power of the slippers would have been wild. Same thing if Frodo had any idea how to use the Ring. Or any number of other fantasy shows where someone had something powerful and didn't know what to do with it. Instead of the dramatically clueless route, I took the video game clueless route of "I've got something cool, let's kill someone with it!" Vargas doesn't know anything about the armor, but he knows he's strong with it, and does what anyone with sudden power does: abuses it.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 35
W
Posted: April 4th, 2006, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Location
Ontario, Canada
Posts
3429
Posts Per Day
0.58
Spoilers...


Finally got around to reading this, I hope my review can be useful to you.

Vargus is a boy of about 14. Shouldn’t you be more precise? I have always heard people say must give their exact age, maybe they were wrong but I thought I’d ask nonetheless. (You do it a lot throughout but that was one example)

The one thing consistent with all screenplays is that people always find a way to use their characters names ASAP and you know for some reason it makes that point of the dialogue annoying for a reader/watcher. In The Crow: Wicked Prayer they do it so much in three minutes that the reason I disliked the film frankly was that.

Now that I said my piece about that, I will say at least it’s what the industry demands so it’s not wrong per se.

On page 7: Nargoth – If daddy doesn’t listen togrampa… You need a space.

These modern jet-ski things remind me a bit of Fempiror, coincidence or are you borrowing from yourself?

The fact that we know Vargus survived makes the scene with his father and Sirena almost pointless because they are doing the fantasy cliché of thinking he’s dead but hoping he’s not (Lord of The Rings, Star Wars and Dune all did this.)

On page 36 – 37 Tristam grabs his and pulls him back down. – Did you forget a word or use his instead of him?

This Pratosh following thing, is it meant to seem a lot like LOTR?

On page 66 The break through the wall into the hollow within. – Simple and easy to fix.

On Page 71 The unchain him and lock him in – Simple again.

Here’s what I don’t enjoy about them being locked up, it seems that bringing the children along hurts the section of the script. I just think it’d work better without the kids since this way unless they torture the children the “bad guy” looks like an idiot because he doesn’t even act like they are in the scenes.

When Ertaf revealed she was pregnant, I felt as if you were trying to tell us that Tristam is going to die. He doesn’t but it feels that way.

Nargoth comes off as a dick, at times I wish you’d kill him. If he was meant to come off that way, good but if not that’s a problem for me.

I enjoyed Tristam, Sthennix and Vargus they were all strong and near perfect characters. You actually made the bad guy human and not many films do that, they usually give the bad guy some stupid reason or unreal death but you keep it real and actually make it interesting.

The story has it’s been there done that moments but at the end of the day I think you’ve breathed new life into the adventure genre, before you released this and Fempiror only Red Phoenix stuck out in my eyes as something people would want to watch in theatres.

You should think about extending this. I feel as if you had more to tell but wanted to keep it short. Peter Jackson makes three-hour films and the general public loves to watch them.

I read this in two hours (The approx. length) and it was a real page-turner, sometimes I get bored while reading and do not finish for days. Good job and I hope you stick with this genre because it may be your key to a successful career beyond the unproduced realm.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 4th, 2006, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Thanks for the review, Wes. Again, all good stuff I'll be keeping in mind when I go back over this for a rewrite.

And I'm finding that adventure stories are my thing more than horror or anything else. I enjoy the big epic tales and all that. I have another idea I'm cooking right now that is on the sci-fi side, but at the end of the day, it's just an adventure story with a sci-fi slant (i.e. starts out in space with some space ships involved in the story).

And really, this was intended to be a complete story. Maybe there's more to tell here, and I'll find it in my rewriting. As for Jackson, he's proven people can sit through 3 hour movies, but who's going to produce something longer than 120 pages for an unknown? Oh well, we'll see how the rewrite turns out when the reads on this one die down.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 35
FilmMaker06
Posted: April 5th, 2006, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
678
Posts Per Day
0.14
I'm reading this right now. I'll have my lame excuse for a review compared to those guys posted with in the next few days.

So far, its awesome! Another great epic. Be proud...you're one of the greats.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 35
tomson
Posted: April 6th, 2006, 12:22am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from FilmMaker06
I'll have my lame excuse for a review compared to those guys posted with in the next few days.

So far, its awesome! Another great epic. Be proud...you're one of the greats.


Don't call your review a lame excuse.
If you go to the movies or watch them at home it qualifies you to have an opinion.

Just make sure you at least tell the author why or why not you liked their story.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 6th, 2006, 1:07am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75

Quoted from tomson
Don't call your review a lame excuse.
If you go to the movies or watch them at home it qualifies you to have an opinion.

Just make sure you at least tell the author why or why not you liked their story.


Amen to that! Some people over-analyze stuff (like me) and others just have general feelings about what went right and what didn't. Either review is still perfectly acceptable and appreciated.



Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 35
FilmMaker06
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 9:34am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
678
Posts Per Day
0.14
Like I said, George, another GREAT epic from you. There is't much I can say that hasn't already been said.

Everything about this script was right. I don't know how you come up with character names, plots, etc. but I know one thing...I wish I could do it.

I love fantasy books and movies and I love adventure and epic tales (like you) so you can pretty much count on me liking mostly anything you add to the adventure section.

Again, great job on this! Now off to finish all of  The Fempiror Chronicles!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 9:59am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75

Quoted from FilmMaker06
Everything about this script was right. I don't know how you come up with character names, plots, etc. but I know one thing...I wish I could do it.


Here's a secret. Of the scripts I can remember, this is number 39. So 38 scripts were written before this one meaning that I have practised this craft a lot. Just like any other skill, writing requires practice, and you really have to want to do it. you're starting younger than I started on this craft, so by the time you reach script 39, it could be better than this one. So at the end, there is nothing terribly special or any great myticism about it; I've just written a lot of stuff and after awhile, it really shows.

I hope you enjoy Fempiror. I'm working on a new episode...so it ain't over.



Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 35
FilmMaker06
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 11:49am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
678
Posts Per Day
0.14

Quoted from George Willson

I hope you enjoy Fempiror. I'm working on a new episode...so it ain't over.


Yay!!!
--
I just have a hard time coming up with a good story. And coming up with good characters. And everything you HAVE to have to make a script.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 7th, 2006, 11:55am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Try the screenwriting palette. I actually used that section of the Screenwriter's Bible to write this screenplay just to see what turned out...more or less for the fun of going through the questions. It worked well, I thought. It still takes a lot of imagination, but the questions can really spur the creativity.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 35
bert
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 12:13am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4513
Posts Per Day
0.86
There is a definite "Fempiror" vibe running through this, but it also stands alone as a unique piece of work.  And I've gotta say, these epic fantasies are really your niche, George.  Not too many people even attempt this kind of stuff, leave alone do it so well.  It's not quite as polished as your Fempiror pieces, but then, it's a lot younger, too.

I really enjoyed this one, but of course, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, either.  I got a few comments for you.  For this one, I didn't read any of the reviews prior to looking at your story.

(SPOILERS)

(1) I get what you are doing with the list of names, but it's a little off-putting, too.  Before I've even started I am thinking, "Geez how complicated is this going to be?" [Note later:  I'll also have you know that it was a giant pain in the asss to constantly have to check the spelling of the names while typing up these comments.]
(3) Vargus awakens in the morning, but the slug reads "Night".
(7) Nargoth says, "What's the deal?"  Too modern.
(21) Vargus finds the armor too quickly, I think.  Consider a brief montage -- some time passing -- a little more suffering -- before he makes this discovery.  As you've got it now, he's only been down there about 15 minutes.
(28 ) The thing with the throne is good.  But it seems that Sthennix's first instincts would be to look for Vargus' family.  Why doesn't he suggest this right off?
(59) Ertaf's bombshell is delivered a little too abruptly.  Ease into it, I think, or that particular line drops with a big "clang".
(83) So is it Vargus tossing these arrows or what?  I think that would look cool, and you should be showing it to us.  A Sub-Mariner kind of thing.
(86) "It's still a ways off, but we're almost there."  Change this silly line haha.
(88 ) "breathe", not "breath".
(90)  You are making Pratosh look stupid here, and you shouldn't.  He should tell Sthennix, "She is with child".  And later in this scene, if you are going to make Sthennix nasty enough to punch Ertaf in the face (and I'm not sure you should, actually), then he would be nasty enough to punch her in the stomach, too.
(96)  Let's do better than "wolf-like creature", shall we?  How large is it?  Fangs?  What color do its eyes glow in this desert night?
(112) I don't buy Nargoth knocking this guy unconscious just like that.  Since they are in a bay, could you work it so Nargoth knocks him right off the ship?
(118 ) Where is Vargas' family during all this?  We should at least see them watching and smiling.  Also, this big celebration at the end was a bit too "Star Wars" if you get my drift, and I suspect you do.  Everybody has seen that film, so don't think people won't notice that stuff.

And a few more general things:

You never explain to my satisfaction why this armor behaves the way it does, but I think that one is an easy fix.  Alatyr should have a chance to explain this in the tomb, at the very end.  Just have Vargus ask him why it would jump on and fall off like it does.

Right around the middle of this story I started feeling that maybe we were spending a bit too much time with Tristan and Ertaf.  This is while Vargus was sleeping.  That section kind of dragged for me.  And why is Tristan always telling Vargus to sleep anyway?  He sounds like an old woman when he does this.

I also wondered why, in this world of flying boats and jet skis and whatnot, that everybody was carrying candles whenever they went anywhere dark. You would think they would have invented some other more reliable source of light. If not flashlights, then something else.

This last comment I'm not as sure about, but I'll put it out there anyway.  I am thinking that somehow you need to give us some hint as to where and when all of this is taking place.  It's obviously not Earth, but we get thrust into this alien world with absolutely no introduction, which is kind of jarring and leaves big questions.  At least Lucas gave us "in a galaxy far, far away."  That's pretty vague, sure -- but it was enough.  This is just something to think about if you agree.

So, apart from the gripes and all this is a really solid piece of work.  I had a good sense of all the characters and their conflicts throughout, and the story is engaging.  Hope these comments help you out with the polishing phase on this one.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 8th, 2006, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Appreciate the read and comments, Bert. I'll definitely take them into account when I get into rewriting on this one.

Not sure on the hint on where this is taking place. On the one hand, it is useful to know we're not on earth; but on the other hand, I start talking about other worlds and such, I start digging into the sci-fi aspect (albeit, this has a strong sci-fi vibe anyway). I can think of a couple of different ways to do it, so I'll give that some consideration.

And me and my wolf-like creatures. I do have a tendency to use wolves, don't I? It'll be like a trademark or something. Is it George's? Does it have a wolf of some sort in it? Do the characters have off-beat and weird names? Not to worry, my next wolf-like creatures get weirder...

The tagline? Oh yes, there will be wolves.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 35
bert
Posted: April 9th, 2006, 12:28am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4513
Posts Per Day
0.86

Quoted from George Willson
And me and my wolf-like creatures.


I think you've got me wrong here.  I don't have a problem with the wolves per se -- it is the description of the wolf-like creatures that I find wanting.

Because that's all you give us -- "wolf-like creatures" -- and that's it -- end of monster description.

The point of my comment was that you should describe the wolf-like creatures a little better -- give us some details -- particularly in regards to their size -- I was not saying that you shouldn't use them at all.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 9th, 2006, 1:03am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
I understood. That section was in my "just write it out and fix it later" section where I wrote a lot, but described little. I fixed a lot of that stuff, but still never did my trademark weird wolves. I'll make sure the next draft describes the wolves better.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 35
George Willson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Well, I've uploaded a minor revision correcting some typos and tackling some of the minor and some overbearing issues. If you were considering reading it, but not sure what you could add, I've made some changes, so we can see if I did any good.

For right now, you'll notice the page count reads 136 pages as opposed to 119. This is because the font is Courier New as opposed to Courier or Courier Final Draft which are both essentially the same size as this, but the space is less between lines making it accomodate more in less space. I will fix this later to the font it was before so we know exactly what I did to it.

And oh yes, the wolves have a description. Of course, I gave them a different name, but oh yes, there are still wolf-like creatures...


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 35
George Willson
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 3:07am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Hey, Another Writer. Thanks for givin it a read. I appreciate the feedback. It's bringing to light some of the weaknesses in my little story. Some of this is not the first time I've heard it meaning there is a lot of opportunity for improvement here. After I get some other stuff out of the way, I plan on doing some rewrites. Thanks again!

As for Fempiror, some people have said it's good, but what do I know?


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 35
The boy who could fly
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 2:34am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1444
Posts Per Day
0.29
Hey George.

I started reading this and after about 50 pages I knew this wasn't my thing, that is not saying that it is not well written because it is, it's just I'm not really into these types of stories.  Maybe I will finish it another time, becaue it IS so well written, I just couldn't get into it at this point.  I did however love the names you came up with, and your descriptions were very good.  Hope you don't hate me for this because I do think you are a good writer, that's why I chose to read this and gave it 50 pages, but I knew it wasn't for me.  


Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 27 - 35
George Willson
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
No reason to hate you for anything. Not everything is for everyone.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 28 - 35
FilmMaker06
Posted: May 26th, 2006, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
678
Posts Per Day
0.14

Hey George.

I started reading this and after about 50 pages I knew this wasn't my thing, that is not saying that it is not well written because it is, it's just I'm not really into these types of stories.  Maybe I will finish it another time, becaue it IS so well written, I just couldn't get into it at this point.  I did however love the names you came up with, and your descriptions were very good.  Hope you don't hate me for this because I do think you are a good writer, that's why I chose to read this and gave it 50 pages, but I knew it wasn't for me.  


I'd give it maybe a week and a bomb will be dropped off at your door...
-Chris
Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 35
James McClung
Posted: June 2nd, 2006, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3377
Posts Per Day
0.66
I've been meaning to read this for some time now. I contributed to your WIP thread a while back so I was interested in how this turned out. Also, it was a good way to get introduced to the Adventure section.

First off...

- The Overseerers don?t seem to have much regard for slaves. They seem to kill them at the drop of the hat. I have a feeling their leader, Sthennix, wouldn?t approve of this since he?s looking for the Armor and would probably want as many slaves looking for it as possible.

- Again, the Overseerer dismisses the slave's notification that Vargus has disappeared into a glowing tunnel. I think he'd be more concerned about this fact since it would appear, from his perspective, that Vargus is escaping or, more importantly, has found the Armor, as he has.

pg. 28 - Sthennix doesn?t need to say he?s changed his mind. It?s quite obvious he has and the fact that he says so kind of ruins the moment.

- What's this "strange" guy who sold Belial the Armor look like? You might want to add that.

pg. 49 - What do these "carnivores" look like? You might want to add that as well, especially since they come back later. You don't have to add much here. I think "wolfen carnivores" would suffice and you could describe them further later on.

pg. 59 - "If anyone else had awakened me with anything else..." This line sounds strange. Fix it.

pg. 62 - ?If you give yourself the chance to relax, you?ll probably pass out.? I believe you mean, if you don't give yourself the chance to relax.

pg. 84 - Wouldn't Patrosh yell "wait!" before the Overseerer steps into the hole?

- If Sthennix wants Vargus to come to him on his own terms, why would he have gone through so much trouble trying to capture him?

- I found it unrealistic that Ertaf would want to fight if it put her child in danger. It's supposed to be the most important thing to her. She probably wouldn't even think about fighting.

This was an extremely enjoyable read for me. I was hooked very quickly and finished the whole thing pretty fast. Everything seems to be on the money. The plot. The characters. The dialogue. All that good stuff. The characters were particularly strong. All of them had motives, sure, but they also had reasons behind their motives, which made their characters much stronger and realistic. What I loved the most was the world you created. I thought it was a clever mix of ancient, medieval, and high tech civilizations yet clearly a fantasy world. I particularly liked the insurrectionist domain. I thought the tree lift was a nice touch.

All in all, an excellent read. I should probably check out the Adventure section more often.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 30 - 35
George Willson
Posted: June 4th, 2006, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Thanks for the read, James. Glad you thought it was a good read.

You touch on a couple of things that have bothered me as well about this one, and once I get to a point where I can revise, I'm definitely taking this into account. Never thought about the Overseer vs. slave thing though. Thanks for bringing that up. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Thanks again. Maybe I should move my other project back to Adventure from series, so I can be the adventure king.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 31 - 35
Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1453
Posts Per Day
0.28
I really enjoyed this. It was very adventurous.

****SPOILERS****

I assumed the armor was of evil origins because of the use of the biblical word Belial. It also had a bit of a Samson influence as well - a special power dependent upon the wearing of a physical object. And with the added “Star Wars’ feel-the force” kind of dimension where the power is also affected by the emotional state of the imbued one.

FORMAT:

It is, of course, fine. No comments except to say that, like me, you space things a lot which makes the script appear longer than it actually is.

This is an example of a script where the page count is deceptive. At 135 pages, it reads quickly and would probably be quite a bit shorter on screen.

There were maybe a few little things (like P52 - trunk, not truck.) but they’ve either already been mentioned or aren’t worth mentioning.


STORY:

I liked the story and don’t have much criticism of it. As I mentioned, the is an adventure in the vein as Star Wars mixed with biblical influences.

I liked the fact that upon finding the artifact, the wearer immediately exploited it for all it was worth. A typical story of this type would have toned down a little at that point and allowed the main character to look at options for exploiting the device.

It was the nature of the object that it cause its bearer one-track mindedness and that was used effectively to take the story a different direction than the typical.

There are two challenges to that: 1) Keeping up the momentum after that and, 2) of course, keeping the main character from becoming one dimensional.

You kept the story going by turning it into an adventure. Mixed of futuristic Sci-Fi elements a medieval chivalry, the obstacles for the hero on his adventure were also mixed. One moment, finding the beastly carnivores like knights on a quest and at another moment, underwater in a submarine battle more befitting Captain Nemo.

Interesting mix. Other films have mixed the two elements, Stargate and such, but I think you made a nice addition to the “genre.”

The only criticism I could offer there would pertain to the creatures of this world. The carnivores were the only creatures we really saw in this strange new world. It would have been interesting if there had been, say, some kind of cave dwelling creatures that might prey upon the slaves, or even the Overseers. Or if Vargas could have shown a propensity toward bravery by defending a fellow slave from such a creature.

Or perhaps some strange creatures in the woods. Something that would have opened up this world a little more. As it is, it seems that it’s primarily populated by people. Honestly, I was a little surprised by the lack of strange creatures given your….uh….tendency…toward creating them.

The only other criticism I could offer is about the women. This is not just you. It’s very nearly every male writer and not just unproduced scripts but in tons of Hollywood movies where the setting is wartime or involves groups of oppressed people contemplating rebellion:

When the man is preparing to go off to battle, his wife always makes it more difficult for him. She always accuses him of not caring about her or their family because he’s leaving to go fight. This is a Hollywood stereotype about women. In real life, women are actually much more supportive of men at such a time. Women generally are very supportive of a man if we believe he’s doing what he’s doing to protect his family. This stereotype makes it look like we’re not capable of grasping the “big picture” when it comes to war.

While it’s true that we wouldn’t welcome it and would want a way to avoid it, it’s not true that we wouldn’t understand the situation or pressure our husbands not to fight for our families at a time when he most needed our support. To the contrary, most women buck up and do the opposite - we try to make sure he knows he has our support because we understand how important it is to his success. And we do understand what’s at stake.

I’m not scolding you or anything. I’m just making an observation. And the characters do, of course, come around and grasp the whole situation. I also know that it creates tension and drama. I’m just making the observation because I see it so often in so many pictures and it kind of makes us look bad. If you talk to the wife or mother of a soldier in real life, you don’t get that kind of reaction at all. Usually the wife is very supportive. They used to call it, “keeping the home fires burning.” Just a thought.

Oh, and one other little thing: Why can’t Sthennix  (or anyone else for that matter) commission a mystic to make him his own armor? Seemed that Belial was able to produce this armor relatively easy. He just went out and bought it.

Anyway, I really like the script. It flowed very well from scene to scene and was overall very well crafted. Good work.


Brea



Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 35
George Willson
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75
Thanks, Brea, you make some very thought-provoking comments. To tackle the last question, I think it's a good point. Why doesn't someone make their own mystical armor? I'm not sure how to best answer this because I have a basic idea of what happened all those years ago, but not necessarily how to put it in the script.

It's like trying to explain why Sauron is the only one who could make a One Ring. Why didn't the elves put their heads together and get around it. According to the Silmarillion, they aren't much younger than Sauron. That's not being flippant; just thinking.

I know Belial's armor was more than just a purchase. I see the one who made it as tracking him down to give it to him. Like Belial had a quality this person was looking for to do whatever needed to be done. A good comparison would be how Star Wars portrayed Darth Sidious always finding exactly who he needed to achieve his ends. Of course, that opens up an entire other can of worms, so it's best to know that Belial acquired it from a mysterious stranger and used it for all its worth. I could probably do a prequel on the back story.

I do hope the women are not just seen as just arbitrarily bitching at their husbands for running off. Personally, I wrote Tristam's reasoning as thin, and he actually should have stayed with his wife. It was his own selfish desire to continue that made him go on. Vargus obviously didn't need the help. With Sirena, no one understood this armor Vargus had and saw his desire to run off as fool-hardy. This was not just Sirena, but everyone. I would like to think if I wrote something where the stakes were understood by everyone, that I would portray the women realistically and find my conflict else where.

And finally, I love the suggestion on the additional creatures. It is strange that I kept the journey free of forest, cave, and sea creatures, and populated it with just people. I could make the CGI guys exceptionally happy here.

Thanks again.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 33 - 35
Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 8th, 2006, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1453
Posts Per Day
0.28

Quoted from George Willson
I wrote Tristam's reasoning as thin, and he actually should have stayed with his wife. It was his own selfish desire to continue that made him go on. Vargus obviously didn't need the help.


I didn’t think of Tristam’s reasoning as thin. I thought Vargas would need Tristam to get to the palace and that Tristam felt like this was his chance to depose Sthennix. Anytime there’s a fascist force using fear to control, there are always slaves who think it’s okay to be slaves as long as they stay alive.

I thought of Tristam as looking beyond that to a day where a just leader was once again king. I felt that his goal was honorable. That’s why I felt that his wife was a little unreasonable. But then again, it’s also one of those situations where you just don’t know what you’d do until you’re in it.


Quoted from George Willson
With Sirena, no one understood this armor Vargus had and saw his desire to run off as fool-hardy. This was not just Sirena, but everyone.


Yeah, I see what you’re saying.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 35
George Willson
Posted: June 8th, 2006, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.75

Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I didn’t think of Tristam’s reasoning as thin. I thought Vargas would need Tristam to get to the palace and that Tristam felt like this was his chance to depose Sthennix. Anytime there’s a fascist force using fear to control, there are always slaves who think it’s okay to be slaves as long as they stay alive.

I thought of Tristam as looking beyond that to a day where a just leader was once again king. I felt that his goal was honorable. That’s why I felt that his wife was a little unreasonable. But then again, it’s also one of those situations where you just don’t know what you’d do until you’re in it.


I never thought about that. I'll certainly consider this when I go back over it. Make Ertaf understandably reluctant, but more reasonable disposed to his going. Make it so she does need him with the underground, but also understands the importance of going.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 35 - 35
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006