SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 19th, 2020, 1:19pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah scripts are being posted. Bear with.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Unnatural Disaster Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Unnatural Disaster  (currently 1326 views)
Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14131
Posts Per Day
1.97
Unnatural Disaster by Craig Stronner - Action, Adventure - In a city cut off by an earthquake and swarming with an army of intelligent undead, a grieving widower and his two daughters race for survival with only one means of escape before the final solution. 92 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 10th, 2015, 10:08am
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Ledbetter
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Craig,

I had a few minutes this afternoon and wanted to crack a script open real quick on my break. Yours was the lucky one.  

I’m not much of a full script reader due to the very little time I have in a day but I do want to offer a few pointers based on the first page.

I’m gonna cut a snippet from page one and go over some of what I think can add some improvement to the story.

Remember, these are only my opinions and as everyone here will tell you, isn’t worth much.  

FROM TEXT--

INT. HOUSE - MORNING
A father, JACK, single, 40’s, gets his two early teen
daughters, MEGHAN and EMILY ready for school.
They all eat breakfast at a counter in the kitchen.
A picture of Jack, his wife and children on the bench.
Sympathy cards all around.

END TEXT--

After your opening scene, this is your first introduction to us of some of the primary players in the story.

First, let’s name the house. “House” is too bland. Give Jack a last name and call it that. For point’s sake, I’m naming him JACK MILLER.

INT. MILLER HOUSE – DAY

Next line—

A father, JACK, single, 40’s,

Cut “A father” and “single” They add nothing to the story here. Remember, you have to show, not tell. And instead, give him some description.

JACK, 40, slender but well built…

Also give the daughters some description as well. If they are going to be in the story, you need to give us a visual of them.

JACK, 40, slender but well built, gets his two daughters, MEGHAN, 13, chubby, but attractive and EMILY, 14, athletic with braces, ready for another day at school.

If you’re gonna introduce them at the start of a story, we should hear them as well.

Lets put it all together—

INT. MILLER HOUSE – DAY
JACK, 40, slender but well built, gets his two daughters, MEGHAN, 13, chubby, but attractive and EMILY, 14, athletic with braces, ready for another day at school.
As they eat breakfast at the kitchen counter, Jack chimes in.

                 JACK
You’re not gonna eat your eggs?

Emily rolls her eyes.
                   EMILY
Dad, if you’d listened, you’d know I don’t eat anything that has to be born.

She gets up and storms out of the room

                 EMILY (O.S.)
Mom would’ve understood.

Jack glances down on counter notices a pile of condolence cards.

He picks one up.

INSERT IMAGE: Barbara and I are so sorry for your loss.

BACK TO SCENE:

Jack sets down the card and looks over to a picture that shows the whole family on vacation on a beach.

               JACK
(to himself)
Yes she would’ve.


This introduces up to the family and to the pain they are feeling right out of the gate. It also makes us want to route for them.

I know this is a brief summery of just one scene, but if you unpack each page like this, you tend to get a flow going from page one that the reader can get hooked on early.

Hope this helps.

Take care,

Shawn…..><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 6
Dreamscale
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11361
Posts Per Day
2.43
Good advice from Shawn.

Let me add something as well.

Where is the father getting the kids ready for school?  Is it the kitchen where they eat?  If not, you need a new Slug...and a better one to open on.

Could be...

JACK'S HOUSE - KID'S BEDROOM to start

Then...

JACK'S HOUSE - KITCHEN when they're eating.

Listen to Led...he know's what he's talking about...you know why?  He learned from the best - me...LOL...    

Best of luck.    


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Max
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Regular


BOSS STATUS

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.14
I would cut the "father" bit as well because it's something we can't see, unless his kids come running into the room or we get a close on a photo frame through description.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
Ledbetter
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Dreamscale


Listen to Led...he know's what he's talking about...you know why?  He learned from the best - me...LOL...    


Flucker!  

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 6
Dreamscale
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11361
Posts Per Day
2.43

Quoted from Ledbetter
Flucker!  


HA!!!!  From the best to the beast...





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
CraigS
Posted: May 9th, 2015, 12:03am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thank you all for the responses.
They have been most helpful and I am currently going through doing a rewrite
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006