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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Take Over Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 6th, 2018, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Take Over by Duane Kinnard - Action, Adventure - A Special Operations Ranger is summoned into action when a senators daughter is kidnaped from the city of Chicago by foreign mafia. 120 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: December 7th, 2018, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Duane:

You can't do this:


Quoted Text
Intro - LUKE DALTON The Take Over is a Military Ops
Specialist that is called on to do special operations jobs
for the United States. He's a hard ass, somewhat of a
drinker. He goes through life on an up and downward spiral
thinking about his best friend, that died on a day that he
was standing guard in the Gulf War. He feels he's the blame
and puts himself through turmoil. He survives through his
work.


Everything in a script must be seen (action) or heard (dialogue). Your telling - which is a no no. i.e., there is no way to film that Luke is a Special Ops Agent or a bad ass.

Same issue here:


Quoted Text
The bartender knows Luke and knows that he is going through
another moment of feeling guilt. Luke grappling his drink
with both hands. He's a little hung over.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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