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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Detective Shenanigan Moderators: bert
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  Author    Detective Shenanigan  (currently 102 views)
Don
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Detective Shenanigan by Ben Kukkee and Scott Peterson - Action, Adventure, Sci Fi, Comedy - A sentient rubber chicken detective must solve the murder of his maker as he grapples with the racism of Trump style America. 124 pages

contests: New York Screenplay Contest - Official Finalist - 2017; Cannes Screenplay Contest - Official Finalist - 2017 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JayF
Posted: March 29th, 2019, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi Guys,

Love the concept. And, congrats on your placement in those competitions.

Read the first 10. If I may...

Some of your dialogue is "on the nose", and as this is a comedy, shouldn't Shenanigan have some catchphrases? For example:

The Goon stands in front of him, threatening.

SHENANIGAN - Do you want a wing?

Shenanigan gives him an uppercut...

SHENANIGAN - Or do you like the leg?

...a karate side-kick. Sending the Goon flying.


This can really stretch (rim shot) our understanding your rubber chicken hero. The comedy, of course, but it would also show that he has confidence, is skilled, and has been doing this for a while.

As well, consider moving his creation flashback until after the Inciting Incident, somewhere after page 10. Spend some more time on introducing us to Shenanigan in his present day, current circumstances that we can understand what he has to lose when his world gets shaken up....on page 10.

Hope that helps. Keep at it.

Cheers.
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