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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Alaska Incident Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 15th, 2019, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alaska Incident by Stephen Atkinson - Series, Action, Adventure - Americans secretly weaponize a virus; Soviets have become aware. Colonel Milosevic, ruthless, determined, cold-hearted, and egotistic, needs to succeed, but Sergeant Peter Hawthorn, warm, friendly, with inner strength, and Hill 352 stand between him and escape. Peter Hawthorn must recover the virus, save men, and avert a war and possible pandemic. 417 pages

Synopsis (host inktip.com) - pdf format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 15th, 2019, 11:34am
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone I`m new to this site so be patient with me whilst I learn to maneuver the site  
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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What kind of books interest you, what peaks your attention?
Let me know!
Ask me a question or if you feel you want to give your thought's good or bad, I am thick skinned I can take criticism
Alaska Incident is a two hour an episode 4 part mini-series. Let me know what you think but don`t judge until you`ve read the ending
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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from StephenA
Hi everyone I`m new to this site so be patient with me whilst I learn to maneuver the site  

Welcome to SS, Stephen!
These links should help you get started:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Read scripts and others will likely return the favour.



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Stephen

Welcome to the boards - Hope you stick around. Getting involved (reading/reviewing) is a good way to get return reads and get the most out of this place.

Your upload is 417 pages long -- you will be hard pressed to get anyone to read all of that. Can you not upload individual episodes?

I opened it anyone, just to take a peak at the writing, not actually read it.

Scene numbers - from what I've seen, these are not needed it a spec script and can turn some readers off - Personally, I find them distracting.
You have scene numbers in the slugs as well - never seen that before - I would also remove those. adds unneccesary ink to the page and looks messy.

"" - You have these around all the dialogue - not seen that before either, why are they there?


Quoted Text
EXT. SCENE 1:OUTSIDE THE KREMLIN-MORNING 1

Tall young man of 18 stands to attention his eyes half closed
from driving all nigh, his gloved hand on handle of staff car
door his breath in plumes from bitter cold opens door of car.

PETRIE (1
(SALUTES)
"We're here Comrade Colonel"

Colonel Yuri Milosevic a man of great stature wide broad
shoulders huge physic black hair graying thick mustache pulls
himself out of his comfortable spot in car swings his huge
frame around on seat of his pants. His greatcoat flings aside
as he steps out of car putting one officer’s boot on frozen
snow as it crunches under foot,pulls himself up on door as
his breath exhales cold air.


you could do with punctuating your sentences properly. The sentences don't read well at all, not well structured - You want to make the read as easy as possible. Give us as much as you can in as few words as possible

Try breaking up your action blocks - new action means new block - the general rule is to not go over 4 lines.

You need to introduce the character properly - COLONEL YURI MILOSEVIC (4 description - for example

Yea, work on the writing - as it stands, I doubt anyone would be able to get through it to actually focus on the story.

Best of luck to you  

Matt


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Mr Repent (In Pre-production)
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DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Thank's Matt.
As a general rule I was told to drop the /and to shorten the description as a general rule.
Thank's for the feed back
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good
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StephenA
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Continue reading you`ll get to see it in it`s entirety instead of a few pages, unfortunatley it`s the producers and studio`s who make the rules.
My discriptions are as vague as can be and the sentences are shortened admittadly this makes it look a bit like a 5 year old has written it but to a professional in the industry they don`t want flowing sentences as we would read in a novel or a book for obvious reasons.
The qotations are grammerly correct referring to a sentence however I see how these are not needed.
My discription of Milosevic is sufficient and discribes him well. (Directors frown when a writer try`s to direct for them so the general rule is to keep it simple.
The sentences are not difficult to read and flow with the story from discription to dialogue although I believe you are correct about the scene numbers but the reason behind this is to make it easier to see where one scene ends and another starts without having to scan through the script.
Hope this helps explain a few things Stephen
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