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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Alaska Incident Moderators: bert
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  Author    Alaska Incident  (currently 537 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2019, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alaska Incident by Stephen Atkinson - Action, Adventure - The US creates a viral weapon, Soviets have become aware send 160 special forces into Alaska with the intention of obtaining the weapon. This leads to a showdown of the superpowers that could lead to world war 3 or worse a global pandemic. 417 pages

Synopsis (host inktip.com) - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 29th, 2019, 1:49pm
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone I`m new to this site so be patient with me whilst I learn to maneuver the site  
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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What kind of books interest you, what peaks your attention?
Let me know!
Ask me a question or if you feel you want to give your thought's good or bad, I am thick skinned I can take criticism
Alaska Incident is a two hour an episode 4 part mini-series. Let me know what you think but don`t judge until you`ve read the ending
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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from StephenA
Hi everyone I`m new to this site so be patient with me whilst I learn to maneuver the site  

Welcome to SS, Stephen!
These links should help you get started:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Read scripts and others will likely return the favour.



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Stephen

Welcome to the boards - Hope you stick around. Getting involved (reading/reviewing) is a good way to get return reads and get the most out of this place.

Your upload is 417 pages long -- you will be hard pressed to get anyone to read all of that. Can you not upload individual episodes?

I opened it anyone, just to take a peak at the writing, not actually read it.

Scene numbers - from what I've seen, these are not needed it a spec script and can turn some readers off - Personally, I find them distracting.
You have scene numbers in the slugs as well - never seen that before - I would also remove those. adds unneccesary ink to the page and looks messy.

"" - You have these around all the dialogue - not seen that before either, why are they there?


Quoted Text
EXT. SCENE 1:OUTSIDE THE KREMLIN-MORNING 1

Tall young man of 18 stands to attention his eyes half closed
from driving all nigh, his gloved hand on handle of staff car
door his breath in plumes from bitter cold opens door of car.

PETRIE (1
(SALUTES)
"We're here Comrade Colonel"

Colonel Yuri Milosevic a man of great stature wide broad
shoulders huge physic black hair graying thick mustache pulls
himself out of his comfortable spot in car swings his huge
frame around on seat of his pants. His greatcoat flings aside
as he steps out of car putting one officer’s boot on frozen
snow as it crunches under foot,pulls himself up on door as
his breath exhales cold air.


you could do with punctuating your sentences properly. The sentences don't read well at all, not well structured - You want to make the read as easy as possible. Give us as much as you can in as few words as possible

Try breaking up your action blocks - new action means new block - the general rule is to not go over 4 lines.

You need to introduce the character properly - COLONEL YURI MILOSEVIC (4 description - for example

Yea, work on the writing - as it stands, I doubt anyone would be able to get through it to actually focus on the story.

Best of luck to you  

Matt


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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Thank's Matt.
As a general rule I was told to drop the /and to shorten the description as a general rule.
Thank's for the feed back
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StephenA
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good
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StephenA
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Continue reading you`ll get to see it in it`s entirety instead of a few pages, unfortunatley it`s the producers and studio`s who make the rules.
My discriptions are as vague as can be and the sentences are shortened admittadly this makes it look a bit like a 5 year old has written it but to a professional in the industry they don`t want flowing sentences as we would read in a novel or a book for obvious reasons.
The qotations are grammerly correct referring to a sentence however I see how these are not needed.
My discription of Milosevic is sufficient and discribes him well. (Directors frown when a writer try`s to direct for them so the general rule is to keep it simple.
The sentences are not difficult to read and flow with the story from discription to dialogue although I believe you are correct about the scene numbers but the reason behind this is to make it easier to see where one scene ends and another starts without having to scan through the script.
Hope this helps explain a few things Stephen
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Lightfoot
Posted: May 14th, 2019, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
makes it look a bit like a 5 year old has written it but to a professional in the industry they don`t want flowing sentences as we would read in a novel or a book for obvious reasons.



Quoted Text
The sentences are not difficult to read and flow with the story


Flowing sentences would be a better route to take. It makes the read easier and quicker, and more people may be willing to give it a look. Especially if you are asking them to read over 400 pages of it.

"Colonel Yuri Milosevic a man of great stature wide broad shoulders huge physic black hair graying thick mustache pulls himself out of his comfortable spot in car swings his huge frame around on seat of his pants. His greatcoat flings aside as he steps out of car putting one officer’s boot on frozen snow as it crunches under foot,pulls himself up on door as his breath exhales cold air"

63 words just to introduce him and say he steps out of the car.

:The car lurches.

Out steps a giant of a man Colonel Yuri Milosevic, black hair with thick graying mustache. He's dressed smartly in a Soviet greatcoat:

26 words essentially doing the same thing. This is what Matthew is meaning when he says give us as much as possible with as few words as possible.



Quoted Text
INT. SCENE 3: APPROACHES CLOSED DOOR-MORNING33

(POV) Stops at wooden door with name plate at eye level.(COMRADE GENERAL DUBINSKY Intelligence KGB) Yuri removes hat puts under arm straightens tie takes deep breath puts his hand on handle depresses it opening door slowly walks in


Why is the scene needed, we know who he is going to see. Just cut to him talking to Dubinsky.


Quoted Text
Lieutenant Grozny a thin man of 38, 5 foot nine mousy brownhair clean shaven stands to attention


Why give his height?

I'd get rid of all the Comrade Colonel/ Comrade General

You have a lot of clutter in your opening pages alone.


I'd recommend trimming down the first part of this series, then re-submit it as a pilot, get some thoughts on it and apply that to the rest of your story.
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StephenA
Posted: May 15th, 2019, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Thanks makes sense
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MGayles
Posted: May 16th, 2019, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Holy Jesus, I thought 400 pages was a typo. Is this a TV show?
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StephenA
Posted: May 16th, 2019, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Yes 4 2 hour episodes
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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2019, 1:23am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from StephenA
Thank's Matt.
As a general rule I was told to drop the /and to shorten the description as a general rule.
Thank's for the feed back


This is completely wrong and bad advice. Where did you get it?


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StephenA
Posted: May 17th, 2019, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Yes, I found out the hard way, too much advice and conflicting information out there.
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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2019, 7:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

EXT. SCENE 1:OUTSIDE THE KREMLIN-MORNING 1

Tall young man of 18 stands to attention his eyes half closed
from driving all nigh, his gloved hand on handle of staff car
door his breath in plumes from bitter cold opens door of car.



I could be wrong, but I'd suggest removing this script from Inktip until it is in better form. As it stands, you're wasting your money. This is just my opinion, of course. Maybe you have money to throw away. In that case, keep it on Inktip.


Too many grammar issues and unfilmable action. Like, how do we know he's been driving all night? One way to accomplish this in film is through the use of brief flashbacks. However, that may not work well here considering he's about to get into a car as they could be mistaken for flash-forwards.

Just be aware, this is a mostly visual medium. Write what we see.


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