All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Thief is a structured game/exercise where drama and characters are key. A reunion is happening in Simply Valley. Eight high school friends have a sleep-over, big chill style. It's no secret that one of them plans to propose to another at the gathering. But plans are cancelled, tempers flare, and old fights are rekindled when the engagement ring turns up missing. The question now is who stole it and why?
This game will be structured. Character bios will be developed, then a brief outline will be created and the screenplay will be written from the outline. Developing the character and writing the outline are a major part of the game.
There are only 8 characters/players per game.
As mentioned above, there will be three stages to this game.
I. Bios Each player takes a turn and adds a piece of history to each of the character bios in relation to their character. This will establish relationships between the characters giving all the characters a bit more depth. (1 Round)
II.Outline Players will add to the brief outline. There will be 24 "scenes". A player may either add a "scene" or modify an existing "scene". This will continue until all 24 "scenes" are outlined.
III. Screenplay Each player will write three scenes. The scenes will be written in order.
For your turn you will have to modify each of the characters bios except your own. You have to modify each of them including the two non-playing characters.
You may add, delete, or change anything about the character except their name. You will put one post for each of the seven characters you modify in the character thread.
The point of this is 1) Get everyone acquainted with all of the characters. 2) Try to get the bios in synch.
Though remember each of the characters does not have to perceive history in the same way. Actually we would prefer it if they didn't because it creates conflict.
Your job is to read all the characters that aren't your character and make appropriate changes to them. This can include adding or deleting things for those characters.
You may for example see a piece of history with another character that needs more detail - or maybe you think it didn't happen that way and you want to rewrite it. Maybe you have another piece of history you would like to add. You can just add and that would qualify as modifying. Or maybe you spot something that isn't in sync between two bios and you want to sync it up. (Remember that doesn't mean that the two people needed to see the event in the same way).
But you're trying to understand the other characters enough to change them. These changes could be small or they could be larger. Though, as Jeff warns, you could upset someone with the changes you make. But don't let that stop you, if you feel you can justify the change then make it.
There is no perfect. So do what you can and the next person will take it from there.
Personally, I like the first person, since we are dealing with the characters perceptions. There are also other reasons. First it makes us feel more intimate with the characters - we going to be spending some time with them so it's best to be intimate. Second it gives us a better idea of their speech mannerisms. And lastly it gives us insight into their personal feelings.
I'm not saying we should change them all in one sitting but if we work toward that goal then they should all be in first person by then end of this round.
I also wanted to clarify a few things about this assignment.
First and foremost...
There is no right and wrong way to do this. No right amount of changes, no wrong amount of changes. There is no perfect. Just do what you can with the bio and pass it on. The point is to read them all and understand the characters enough to make an appropriate change.
But more that that I hope that you take these characters onboard as if they are your own. I hope that you steal them away from the person who created them and give them the depth that only several people can. You will not necessarily be writing for your own character during the scripting phase - this isn't going to work like killer - you should feel comfortable with them all.
I hope that you work toward developing a consistent back story between characters. Bring out the stories you want to see developed, give them more detail. There's already some great stories in there they just need a bit more...
And give the characters some conflict. They don't need to conflict with every character and of course some characters will have more conflict than others but they need conflict. That's how drama happens.
How you should approach this.
First, read all of the character bios.
Then as you edit a bio, look back to each of the other bios to see how that character interacts with the one you are editing.
Then make your changes.
Of course you may find you have more of an attachment to or may change more in one particular character than another. In some you may only edit one line, in some you may shake the very foundations of the character. Both are ok as is anywhere in between.
When you post, remember to post in the character thread. It would be good if you post as soon as you are done editing a particular character rather than waiting until you are done with all of them. That will keep this part of the game moving. You can always edit the post while it's still your turn.
Cheers,
Michael
And don't forget...everyone needs a motive to steal the ring. And try to keep this in the realm of an inexpensive to produce drama.
Since everything happens in threes we are going to be splitting this up into thirds. We’ll write a third of the outline then script that third, then write the next third of the outline etc.
We will be dividing the story in to three acts (there’s that three again, Sandra must be loving this).
First act: Lead up to and include the inciting incident (Johnny has the ring, why he has the ring, the ring is stolen) as well as establish any subplots.
Second act: Our characters try to find their way to a resolution (this is where all that history will come in as they try to figure out who stole the ring and why).
Third act: The resolution. Resolve all sub plots and then resolve the main plot. We find out who stole the ring (or maybe we don’t).
There will be 24 outline posts in total. Each post should approx 4-5 pages of the script. We will number each of the outline posts. The first six are Act one, the last six are act three.
For our first assignment we will be doing 1-8. That is all of act one and the start of act two.
When you write you outline post it will look something like the following:
1 INT. FOYER
Cherry is uncomfortable being the first guest. She and Gabriel struggle with their conversation.
Jimmy arrives soon after and he and Cherry flirt, much to the amusement of Gabriel who is now being ignored. Gabriel excuses himself.
INT. LIVING ROOM Cherry and Jimmy reminisce as they enter the living room. The doorbell rings should they get it? Jimmy doesn’t think so.
INT. FOYER Gabriel greets Burner who is impressed by the mansion. Burner doesn’t stop to talk but instead immediately starts exploring.
INT. LIVING ROOM Cherry and Jimmy are getting a bit intimate on the couch. When Burner pops in they part.
After their hello’s Gabriel offers them all a drink. Cherry and Jimmy want one but Burner declines.
That’s probably a wee bit small for 5 pages but it gives you a good idea of how to approach it.
You want both the locations and the actions. You want the actions to be brief. You aren’t trying to explain everything, you are just trying to summarize the main things.
When it is your turn you may either write one of the eight outline posts or you may rewrite one of them – not both. You have 24 hours to make your post. Just make sure you include the number of the post. We keep going until we are mostly satisfied with the first eight.
Assignment 6: Script We will be writing the first third of the script based on the outline we prepared.
The rules are exactly the same as the outline. You may add or edit any one of the script blocks. They should be based on the corresponding outline block. You can post your script blocks to the script thread
You should try to follow the outline as closely as possible but if you need to make minor changes to it while writing the script then it is your duty to change it in the outline thread. Just post the new outline block to the outline thread.
During the first week - because we will be reading OWC entries, you will have 3 days to complete your script block during you turn. After the first week, this will be reduced to two days.
You may find, like I did, that you will not be able to fit the whole outline block in 5 pages. You can shift the block - like I did. Fit as much as you can in your entry then shift the rest of outline to the next outline block. We may end up with an extra block at the end.
The order is:
mcornetto Tommy Ripley Sandra Grademan
I'll post mine tomorrow after the OWC entry deadline. It was a blast to write. Good luck all.
PS Don't forget to refer to the character thread for the characters.
One thing that might help us quite a bit at this point is to define our plot lines.
1. We have Johnny and the stolen ring and his relationship with Cherry. 1a. A possible romance between Johnny and Frances. 2. Jeanna and her leaving. 3. Possibly romance with Jeanna for Gabriel. 3a. Likely romance or at least repayment of debt with Frances.
Assignment 9: Script We will be writing the secong third of the script based on the outline we prepared. Outline blocks 9-15
The rules are exactly the same as the last time we did this. You may add or edit any one of the script blocks. They should be based on the corresponding outline block. You can post your script blocks to the script thread
You should try to follow the outline as closely as possible but if you need to make minor changes to it while writing the script then it is your duty to change it in the outline thread. Just post the new outline block to the outline thread.
Here is a list of all the review points somewhat summarized. I included three sections: characters, story and technical. I did not include positive points since the purpose of this list is to show where improvement is to be considered.
Let me know if any of the points aren’t clear.
Gary
CHARACTER-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
No clearly identified protag and antag (4)
Character intros take too long (3)
Too many characters (2)
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Characters seemed immature Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Didn't seem like friends Not very sympathetic characters Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Characters treat each other horribly prior to end
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right?
Reason for the character’s ages being the same is not clear
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3)
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn’t work (3)
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2)
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2)
More back story, show high school memories (2)
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel’s reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you…" out of place
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
TECHNICAL POINTS
The technical points don’t have page numbers because you can use the search functions on your software to find them.
Weird slugs - no CONTINUOUS, DAY or NIGHT
Opening is redundant "grass is greener" and "cream of the crop"
Awk. "…though it’s snug at the back of the room"
Awk. "…is staring, is staring, is staring"
Tiresome "Awkward moment of silence" (note – we used the word “moment” around 30 times)
Okay! Keep in mind that I've only read the script fully, I just skimmed the reviews and read none of the pre-production. But I think it's fair to judge the script alone. What was intended is irrelevant at this point, it's what's on the page that's important.
Welcome aboard Pete!
First, I think a title change may be in order. THIEF is very vague and refers only to one subplot, not any overarching theme. May I suggest GABRIEL'S GAME? It's also a bit vague, but in a good way, I think. His "game" could refer to his dishonest motivations for inviting them there, the actual paintball game and some other events that are not in the story but I will suggest later.
Actually Thief has much significance to the development of the story and name recognition as the exercise which created it. It is effectively a brand. I wouldn't be too quick on changing it until we know where the story goes during the rewrite.
I also don't care for how the characters are introduced - it takes 14 pages just to meet everyone. It's an ensemble story, and they are all pretty much equally important characters, so we should meet them as quickly as possible.
Like I said we should start with Johnny calling to say he is going to be late. The very first shot can be him looking at the ring. Maybe he can ask if Cherry is going to be there. Then we can take it from a largely collected crew.
Flashbacks to their teenage years are already established in the script - so how about starting things in a flashback? Perhaps their last drunken hurrah before they go off to school/work/whatever. There they decide that, no matter what happens in their lives, they'll get back together in 10 years.
This way we'll meet everyone within a scene or two, see what they were like as kids - to contrast how they have or haven't changed as adults - and provide a reason for them to reunite, which is never mentioned in the script.
That would be something to consider but in light of Gary's suggestion it may not be necessary. The reason there are limited flashbacks in this script is because there was a rule to only use a fixed set of locations. Whether we decide to break that rule in the rewrite is still in question.
Flash forward. Adults often don't recall childhood promises, so it's likely some or all of them will have forgotten about the reunion pact. Naturally, because he has ulterior motives, Gabriel should be the one to remind them. Of course, some may not be eager to reunite, which could provide tension once they do.
This isn't necessarily true. Adults remember the weirdest thing - if they stay in the same place. I've traveled extensively and live in a different location from where I grew up and when I talk to people I grew up with I am often surprised at the minuscule things they remember that I have long forgotten.
Now we don't need to meet them all again as adults - not one by one anyway, nor do we need to see Gabriel ask them all to the reunion. I think we only need to see him ask one, which leads me to another point:
Jimmy, the audience proxy. I think it may be wise to have one character the audience can relate to and begin the main story with. Of course, Jimmy is not the main character, but he is the closest thing we have to an "everyman" in the story - as I see it.
Jimmy is actually a pretty suspicious character, even though he might not have come across that way in the script. If you intend to help with the rewrite please have a look at the character thread - it's essential. You can find a link to it probably in the first post of this thread.
Too much ring talk. Talking about Johnny's proposal is far too repetitive.
The reason people talk about the proposal is to spread the information about the house. If we think only a few people know then only they would be the ones we suspect of stealing it.
The paintball game. I think this should be much earlier, like within the first 30 pages. This reunion is supposed to fun, right? But there's really not much fun early on, just drama. Oh, and being shot with a paintball hurts! That's not mentioned much. When Roddy is shot in his unprotected crotch (!) with a paintball, that shit would be seriously painful.
The paintball game was actually a very late development and that is why it is late in the script. We could think about moving it earlier but it is useful in resolving many of the dramatic conflicts that occur earlier.
That's all the points that I have at the moment, so allow me to provide a very simple outline, there are many, many blanks to be filled in here. If I were to rewrite this alone, this is generally the way I would go.
Open with a flashback of the teenage characters. A glimpse of who they were.
They make a reunion pact. Ten years, no excuses!
Present time. Gabriel calls Jimmy, reminds him of the reunion. Everyone is coming over for the weekend. Just the friends.
Jimmy arrives at Gabriel's home, Friday evening. Everyone is already there, save one. Frances is the last to appear - surprise: Francesca!
Drinks, conversation, tour of the house. Catching up. Sparks fly.
Dinner. Gabriel has some plans for the group.
First up, paintball - at night! But why the cameras?
Fun was had. More drinks? Drugs?
Time for bed. But who is pairing up tonight?
Morning. Aches, pains and hangovers. Who woke up with whom? Early calls for Darnell - money problems?
Gabriel has more activities planned (insert fun here). Some are up for it, some aren't. Damn, are there cameras everywhere? Suspicion.
Pool party. Fun and drama. I hear Johnny's got a ring and a plan. Where the hell did that RV come from? (I see it as a disguised production truck).
Where does Gabriel keep disappearing to? The RV?
Casual dinner and drinks. They split up, talk and relax. Where is Darnell?
Oh, shit - Johnny's ring is gone! But why did he have a ring? Accusations and hurt feelings.
Gabriel instigates the drama. Too eager. They separate, taking sides.
Darnell privately admits to Jimmy that he took the ring - he's desperate. Regrets - he can't do that to a friend. Darnell gives it to Jimmy.
Jimmy gives the ring to Johnny. Jimmy stole it? They fight. Roddy finds out that Darnell took it and why. Offers the money.
Bed time. Anger, hostility and lust, depending on the person. Jimmy and Francesca hook up.
Morning. Francesca finds a camera - in her room?! Tells all - there are cameras in all the rooms. Confrontation - with paintballs. Gabriel admits the scheme and explains. They hate him and is exiled.
Jeana defends Gabriel. They all can't deny it was an interesting experience. They relent and sign releases. Still friends? Sort of.
The end?
The thing to remember here is we don't really want to do a complete rewrite. We want to work with what we have because that's the story 8 people contributed to. Thanks for all the comments. And the way the rewrite will work is we will discuss it to death and then when we feel we're beating a dead horse someone will take the information and volunteer to do the first rewrite. So hop in the discussion whenever you feel like it and thanks for your comments.
Well, as I said, there are many blanks to fill there and things I left out that are in the script that I feel should stay. But I've taken up enough space for now.
I hope some of this is worth using. I'm eager to see what you have to add or subtract from this mess (my mess, I mean).
No clearly identified protag and antag (4) True, but does there really need to be? I don't think we need to put too much more on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. I think Johnny should be the protag and Gabriel should be the antag.
Character intros take too long (3) True, this needs to be fixed. Agreed.
Too many characters (2) Disagree. BUT we could cut one if we needed to, and combine aspects of two characters into one. No character cuts though we might diminish some characters.
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Disagree. Disagree. While the characters weren't perfect they certainly weren't two dimensional. Characters seemed immature A reaon for this is that they are back with the people from highschool, when they were immature. Bringing back there old habits, etc. Fair enough if people feel they are too immature then rather than making them act their age we can bring their age to them as Gary suggests. Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Agreed. Easy fix. Cherry is a flirt and gets around. So what? Isn't that called character? Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Hmm, not sure. I liked them... Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that. Didn't seem like friends Well they haven't seen each other for ages, so they actually aren't friends. Disagree. I've always agreed with this one but I came to the conclusion that they were all friends but some were more friends than others. Not very sympathetic characters. We can try to generate more sympathy. Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Subjective. It seemed to work for some. Unless we know why then this isn't correctable or there might be a really valid reason why this person didn't like the humor. Characters treat each other horribly prior to end. I don't think that's true for all of the characters.
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances Yes, interesting point. Maybe quite true. Like their stories are supposed to be about dealing with those problems. Not hiding. If Roddy is an alcoholic he's going to be used to having to admit it to people. Isn't that what they have to do with AA. And Frances is going to be proud of her change - why should she hide it.
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy. I don't agree with this about Roddy though it could be true of other characters.
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye True, easy fix. ok
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right? I would say so. It is unclear and meant to be unclear
Reason for the character�s ages being the same is not clear like they all went to school together in the same class.
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3) Agreed
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn�t work (3) Agreed. I think we should get rid of the RV.
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused I still think it's a helluva lot more cohesive of a script than the Killer scripts
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2) Yep, fair call. yep
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2) yes but I think there isn't enough
More back story, show high school memories (2) Furrynuff
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel�s reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull Good point. Maybe we need to have Gabriel add more stuff like the paintball. IF we are going with this as the main story.
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you�" out of place Yes, it is an example of how flustered Johnny got. so it should be
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
No clearly identified protag and antag (4) True, but does there really need to be? I don't think we need to put too much more on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. I think Johnny should be the protag and Gabriel should be the antag.
That makes sense to me. Gabriel is deceiving them all, and while he's not a "villain" exactly, he is the one doing the most wrong. Johnny being the protagonist seems right too, as he has the most to lose here - the ring and the woman he wants. I would like him to be more likeable though. I mentioned Jimmy as a potential audience proxy, I see it makes more sense for it to be Johnny now.
Character intros take too long (3) True, this needs to be fixed. Agreed.
I still like the possibility of meeting them all at once in flashback.
Too many characters (2) Disagree. BUT we could cut one if we needed to, and combine aspects of two characters into one. No character cuts though we might diminish some characters.
If a character was diminished - or the others strengthened, if that's a better way to look at it - I would vote for Roddy (no offense to the creator of that character).
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Disagree. Disagree. While the characters weren't perfect they certainly weren't two dimensional.
I also disagree, but they all could be fleshed out a bit more, mostly through tweaks in dialogue.
Characters seemed immature A reaon for this is that they are back with the people from highschool, when they were immature. Bringing back there old habits, etc. Fair enough if people feel they are too immature then rather than making them act their age we can bring their age to them as Gary suggests.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "bring their age to them", but I think that not enough of their current lives are mentioned in the script, which makes it seem as though not much has changed in the last 10 years. In regard to the 2 dimensional comment, giving more detail would help with that (boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives, careers, children? - it seems unusual that not one of these 8 characters, all approaching 30, has had a child yet).
Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Agreed. Easy fix. Cherry is a flirt and gets around. So what? Isn't that called character?
Sure, she's kind of a slut - that's a character trait. Perhaps due to her being an easy lay, it is revealed that she has had a child, and gave him/her up for adoption. Her possible regret of this could be her motivation for growing up a bit. That's sounds like character growth - a good thing methinks.
Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Hmm, not sure. I liked them... Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that.
I didn't have a problem with disliking the characters, but I wish some were more likable - in particular Johnny.
Didn't seem like friends Well they haven't seen each other for ages, so they actually aren't friends. Disagree. I've always agreed with this one but I came to the conclusion that they were all friends but some were more friends than others.
I would like more scenes with reminiscing about the "good ol' days". If they are reminded why they were friends - if they aren't still - then the drama later will mean all the more.
Not very sympathetic characters. We can try to generate more sympathy.
Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Subjective. It seemed to work for some. Unless we know why then this isn't correctable or there might be a really valid reason why this person didn't like the humor.
I don't mind drug humor, if it's humorous. Much of the drug stuff fell flat for me, but I'm not saying it shouldn't be there. If Darnell was a bit more charismatic, and persuasive about getting others to indulge like when they were kids, for old times sake, it might work.
Characters treat each other horribly prior to end. I don't think that's true for all of the characters.
They aren't horrible to each other, but they aren't nice enough either, I think.
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances Yes, interesting point. Maybe quite true. Like their stories are supposed to be about dealing with those problems. Not hiding. If Roddy is an alcoholic he's going to be used to having to admit it to people. Isn't that what they have to do with AA. And Frances is going to be proud of her change - why should she hide it.
Roddy should be upfront about it, in fact, if he's newly sober, he should be eager to mention it. If he is newly sober, it would make more sense when he is tempted later and falls off the wagon so easily - it may be the first time he's really been tested. When he does so though, the consequences should be profound.
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy. I don't agree with this about Roddy though it could be true of other characters.
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye True, easy fix. ok
Yeah, he really needs to be pushed by Darnell and the stress of being in the house.
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right? I would say so. It is unclear and meant to be unclear
Reason for the character's ages being the same is not clear like they all went to school together in the same class.
Ahem, open in flashback? :P
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
Agreed. But on which side does Francesca fall? That might be ripe for humor.
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3) Agreed
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn't work (3) Agreed. I think we should get rid of the RV.
Though it would work as a disguised production truck, which might be needed if there wasn't an adequate place in the house for all the equipment necessary to tape the reality show Gabriel is aiming for. If the truck becomes that, we would need a false explanation for it for the guests.
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused I still think it's a helluva lot more cohesive of a script than the Killer scripts
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2) Yep, fair call. yep
Yeah, Gabriel scheming and manipulating - and feebly covering it up - could be fun too.
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2) yes but I think there isn't enough
Teenage "drama and bullshit" being stirred up after all these years makes sense, but we need a voice of reason to speak up and call them on it at some point.
More back story, show high school memories (2) Furrynuff
Yes, reminiscing please!
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
I can imagine someone, Cherry perhaps, suggesting this, but all of them not wanting to.
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Indeed. More laughs are needed.
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel's reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull Good point. Maybe we need to have Gabriel add more stuff like the paintball. IF we are going with this as the main story.
I totally agree that their short amount of time together would not be enough for any reality show. Maybe he was just trying to put together a pilot, a proof of concept kind of thing. I'll admit, IMO, the whole duped-into-a-reality-show concept is the weakest thing in the script.
I'm not saying it should be tossed aside completely, just strengthened - and played for more laughs. That means more group activities than just paintball.
This just occurred to me: what if Gabriel is the one who is trying to get on an already existing reality show, to boost his sagging career. Perhaps he has tried and failed - being seen as a boring has-been, and now as a last resort he invites his friends and secretly tapes himself interacting with them in an over-the-top, reality show manner. This would allow us to keep the reality show concept, but lessen it to more of a subplot for Gabriel.
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you" out of place Yes, it is an example of how flustered Johnny got. so it should be
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
I've already agreed with this, but since changing the title is not an option (I'm not complaining about that by the way), perhaps we need more thieving. We have a stolen ring - what else? A stolen heart? Maybe Johnny has some luck with Cherry at first, then she's wooed away from him. Stolen dignity? Gabriel makes a fool of himself and his friends for a few more minutes of fame?
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
I'm about to become super busy and since I won't have the time to give this rewrite the attention it deserves, I have decided to put someone else in charge of this project - Gary.
So everyone, let Gary take the lead on this and I'll check in every so often to make sure things are on track.
Cheers all, it's been a great exercise and I'm looking forward to reading what you guys come up with for the rewrite.
-- Write down your vision of the story in two to three paragraphs. (1 week)
Read the character profiles, the script and the review list to get that all soaking in your brain as you write your outline. I’ll post an example soon.
Remember: No cutting characters but they can be diminished. All else is open for change (or not) as you prefer.
After that the vision is to:
-- Select the one we like best and expand on with each writer having at least one turn. (2 weeks)
-- One of us will start the rewrite with assistance from the others as needed (progress check every week until done)
-- Review of draft for errors to be done by each writer as needed. (1 week)
-- Proudly post it on SS.
The reason we are taking this approach is too maximize everyone’s creativity to see if there’s another “paintball of course!” ideas out there without being tied to a list of corrections.
Gary
BTW, you know you want to do the OWC. So, do it! And if you’re not (gasp!), you can start on your outline now.
Vision received. I don’t want to say too much about it before the others have a chance to get their vision entered. This was 27 pages when I put it onto MS Word to review while at a one day seminar. Whew girl, you can type! Lot of ideas.
I view this version as:
-- 90% rewrite as a character study starting in high school
-- Slightly less to do with the ring then the original
-- I actually like Logan in this one as a benevolent godfather (not admitting I want an additional character )
You are correct when you say (paraphrased) this story could go lots of ways.
Gary
BTW, can we get out visions completed by next Friday Feb 26? I don’t want us to lose momentum on this!
Here’s the result of our visions in abbreviated form. I have also listed our goal during this Thief rewrite and the relevant criticisms worthy of addressing. Tell me what you think about these options. We’ll pick a way to go on Friday March 5.
REMEMBER : The purposes for the visions were to see if any new ideas had pizzazz for the rewrite.
Gary
Goal To learn about the rewriting process from deciding on a vision, implementing suggestions, writing in a collaborative effort, and finally posting a second draft. Oh, and have some fun along the way.
Rewrite Ideas Minimal Add flash forward re: paintball, new ending (Tom) Moderate Intro in high school, Gabriel is dying (Gary) Major Logan as godfather, lucky stone, etc (Sandra) ** Extensive The complete story in high school (Gabe)
Relevant Criticisms (Short List): Thief factor > higher Character intros > shorter Story lines > keep Johnny & Cherry emphasis, OK to keep Gabriel’s Game as dual arc, and trim RV, Muslim, Logan arc Characters > clearer defined and Protag vs Antag
** Sandra has written a detailed proposal which does a much better job of explaining her ideas.
Sandra, Gabe, and Tommy (I assume Pete has dropped out)
THIEF - THE PATH FORWARD
Recommendation – Go with a minimalist rewrite to address our key concerns.
Reasoning – What we need is experience rewriting without doing a complete rewrite. The current story is good except for a few points. It is just too much effort to implement the high school scenarios or Logan as godfather scenario.
CHANGES:
Opening – Add flash forward paintball game Start introductions with Johnny’s late arrival
Middle— Trim RV, Logan, and Muslim stuff More stuff with the ring - Up the Thief factor Characters in opposition - Johnny and Gabriel?
Ending— New ending since no RV or at least a reasonable reason for the RV to be there
Suggestion— Change character reactions not events (except where noted above) Okay to make the action/description lines read more smoothly, as if written by one person.
What’s next— That’s the general plan for the rewrite. We can start out with one writer going as far as they can. I’ll check with you once every week or sooner to check progress.
Sandra, I tested it out, and it seems to work out. When printing you can print out only those pages associated with the first revision, etc.
I say we try it. It's probably too late for Gabe. But the revision codes are:
T = Tommy (black) (first revision) ALREADY DONE! G = Gabriel (blue) (second revision) Up to Gabe, he's already started his rewrite. S = Sandra (choice) (third revision) COMING UP R = Gary (choice) (fourth revision) COMING UP
Glad to hear you all got the master draft complete with strikeouts. It’s a mess isn’t it? I left the strikeouts in for completeness. Sandra, it was a good idea to delete them so you could get a clean look at things.
EXPLANATION OF CHANGES
Gabe’s lack of explanation of his changes is my fault. I thought they had been communicated when I sent you all a copy of his original email. I should have put it in the thread here. Duh.
EARLY EFFORTS
I thank Tom and Gabe for getting things rolling. When we’re told to trim, we trim very well. I see hesitation in committing to new actions and introductions. This is normal.
THE PLAN
Sandra can fix the problems she sees as part of her revision.
Hey there, I just stopped by to apologize for flaking on this project. I was sincerely interested in working on it, but life got in the way. I haven't even had time for my own stuff lately. So if I screwed things up too badly (I don't think I did, did I?), I'm very sorry.
Hey there, I just stopped by to apologize for flaking on this project. I was sincerely interested in working on it, but life got in the way. I haven't even had time for my own stuff lately. So if I screwed things up too badly (I don't think I did, did I?), I'm very sorry.
~Pete
No worries, Pete. We all understand how life does this constantly, battering us this way and that.
No worries! No need to apologize. We appreciate your comments and insights when we were deciding what to do with the revision. You're welcome to jump back in, anytime, if you'd like.
In regard to jumping back in: I have no idea what kind of progress has been made in the last couple of months, so I would need to catch up to offer anything. I may not commit to actually rewriting, but I may have comments and suggestions to give, I'll let you know. Thanks!
May I read the latest draft of the script? I guess I assumed that it had been posted here on SS, but I can't find it. I see that Sandra is currently working on her draft, but I'd like to see what changes have been made so far.
If I committed to a rewrite, what would I need to do beforehand? We were asked for our "visions" earlier - I assume you would still need to see mine. If so, I think it would be best if it was based on the "pruned version", as you put it.
May I read the latest draft of the script? I guess I assumed that it had been posted here on SS, but I can't find it. I see that Sandra is currently working on her draft, but I'd like to see what changes have been made so far.
If I committed to a rewrite, what would I need to do beforehand? We were asked for our "visions" earlier - I assume you would still need to see mine. If so, I think it would be best if it was based on the "pruned version", as you put it.
~Pete
I've got them for you. I just sent you a P.M. What email do you want them sent to?
I'm going to put this call out right now because I know that we can get this off the ground with help from friends.
First off, this is a call for technical help from individuals living in the Vancouver area.
My proposal is in stages that I and other core staff will work with others to initiate a strong core for a Thief Universe.
Firstly we need to establish that core "Thief Universe" and for that, we need images and footage. For this, we need help.
I have some shots from when I was in Richmond, but I'd like to work with others in our group over the next year in developing this further and I really appreciate those who can supply the kind of images we need.
Currently, Pete is reviewing both the pared down version and my intense surrealistic version of Thief with all of the core eight characters that were born due to Michael's hard work in the conception he initially envisioned as "Thief".
To let you, "the audience" know, I've taken it far and away from its original conception and I've really tried hard NOT to do that, but that's what's happened.
As writers know, the amount of material generated for a single work can be enormous.
I have this from (I wish I could remember the blog, but I keep it in front of me for inspiration):
On X Files, a writer would sometimes work ten hours a day for 6 months to come up with one idea that would become an episode.
One problem. It must be simple. It must be clear to the reader and that reader needs to know in the first 10 pages. there can't be several problems. Only one main problem.
What I've battled with in my particular re-write is to try and USE one particular character, Gabriel, to exemplify the entire group's problems. Why? Because I think they're all cut from the same root. I might even be incorporating some reality, as far as our Simplyscripts' group goes. I think I am.
Nevertheless, because I love Simply and love to work with the people here, I feel a strong desire to develop this beyond its original conception.
Therefore:
If you've been hanging out here. If you want to contribute...
Don't hesitate in chiming in.
Don't be afraid.
We're here and we welcome you to the project.
It would be a great honor to work with others on a strong treatment for this over the next year or two and develop the "Universe".
If there are individuals out there who would like to begin working on Youtube videos and artwork, then, Wow!!! I love artists. Photography, sketches... whatever you have to offer, I love it and I'm prepared to go to our local university to employ the help of our students.
I welcome questions because questions are the answer.
Let's make Simplyscripts something special. It is already, but let us make it known!!!
Okay, having read Sandra's draft, I'm now up to date and interested in working on the project again.
Is Sandra done with her turn? If so, who's next? On the previous page in this thread it appears that Gary is next, but is "out until Sept 1". I am willing and able to take a turn right now, if allowed to do so (if Sandra is done with her current turn, that is). May I just go ahead and run with this now or wait for Sandra or wait my turn or...?
If necessary, I can give you a broad overview of what I would like to change/tweak, but I'd love to just go full steam and knock it out and surprise you all with my draft - not that my draft will be all that surprising. I don't intend to drastically change anything, at least not as much as Sandra has done. (No offense intended at all, but whoa!)
Okay, having read Sandra's draft, I'm now up to date and interested in working on the project again.
Is Sandra done with her turn? If so, who's next? On the previous page in this thread it appears that Gary is next, but is "out until Sept 1". I am willing and able to take a turn right now, if allowed to do so (if Sandra is done with her current turn, that is). May I just go ahead and run with this now or wait for Sandra or wait my turn or...?
If necessary, I can give you a broad overview of what I would like to change/tweak, but I'd love to just go full steam and knock it out and surprise you all with my draft - not that my draft will be all that surprising. I don't intend to drastically change anything, at least not as much as Sandra has done. (No offense intended at all, but whoa!)
Let me know when I can do my thing to this thing!
~Pete
RE: THE MYSTERIOUS RICH GUY... Shucks, that we couldn't have met.
To hear the "whoah" brings a smile to my face because I know and I'm not ashamed. As a matter of fact, I will say, that I have told my husband that IF, I had had our THIEF cooked, I would have approached him without the slightest bit of shyness.
This guy was wearing a neat casual sweater and driving a fucking lamborghini. He NEEDS to spend money...
And besides, we know this project can take the hell off and investors will love it like we do so we're not selling our souls.
Now serious:
First:
I think you should read Gary's pared down version because he's stayed within parameters.
Second:
I think you should speak with Tommy because he's enjoyed my re-write and so you should correspond with him-- shoot back and forth and get some dialogue going.
Third:
You should go for it and have fun!!!
Fourth:
This should have been first, BUT...
If you can write this OPEN- ENDED...
I mean where we can continue, this would be marvelous.
Even though we're all struggling for time, I think there's a sincere group of individuals here with the same kinds of motivations that can make this an inspiring series.
So glad to see you back, Pete!!!!
I'd love for you to just go full steam too. Let's just work and have fun at the same time.
I think it's cool because the last time I spoke with you was when I was on The Norweigan Jade, doing crazy roller coaster laps in the water. THAT, was not fun. Ew. No more cruise ships.
So anyways, I'd love to see some fresh voice in this.
To hear the "whoah" brings a smile to my face because I know and I'm not ashamed.
I knew you wouldn't be. It's clear you love creating elaborate histories for these characters.
Quoted Text
I think you should read Gary's pared down version because he's stayed within parameters.
If that's the 92 page draft you sent me, then I've read that too. I plan to incorporate elements from both drafts.
Quoted Text
I think you should speak with Tommy because he's enjoyed my re-write and so you should correspond with him-- shoot back and forth and get some dialogue going.
I'll do that.
Quoted Text
You should go for it and have fun!!!
I think I will.
Quoted Text
If you can write this OPEN- ENDED...I mean where we can continue, this would be marvelous.
Oh sure, that's definitely do-able.
Quoted Text
So glad to see you back, Pete!!!!
Glad to be back.
Quoted Text
I'd love for you to just go full steam too.
As soon as I get permission/input from Gary and Tommy, I will get going on it.
As you know, I usually write in silence. Today, when driving home for Red Deer, I was changing channels. I wound up on CKUA which is an eclectic channel that plays everything. Thanks, Pete. I feel a breather.
It's nice to take a psychological break and to know that "Thief" is in the capable hands o you,f Pete... and now, I can indulge with a bit of this:
Edit: By the way, I had forgotten to mention that if you watch in this video, you'll see the television rising out of the floor. It makes me think of Gabriel's mansion and all of his gadgets. Look on the television and you'll see May 10, 1997. It might inspire you if you're trying to enter into it and supply a flashback. That kind of thing would be rather cool.
It's been about a year now of working with these characters and tonight I played my own little word association game. I'm using more words and I invite you to do the same, but this is what is coming through at the moment.
I'm using capitals for the words denoting their traits.
Cherry - Tender, Tease, Controlling, sometimes Frigid, Sympathetic to the nth.
I think her sympathy is what led her to misrepresenting herself with Johnny, and thus led him to really believing he had a chance. Although Gabriel lit the flame burning again, really, Cherry's sympathetic nature created a "seed" in Johnny's mind that was completely unrealistic.
Jeana won't let go of "the bone". She won't let go of Gabriel, and maybe she should. Darnell tries his hardest to help her, but she's so thick into all that is "Heisberg", (and Darnell is too) that it's like the blind leading the blind. Both she and Darnell are quite hopeless I think without the others. This might be why they want to re-unite the group. There's some kind of "power" in the history, that is so deep and thick and there's so much they don't know about it all. They WANT to know; wherease Gabriel's "run away". He DOESN'T want to know. Could it be because he "DOES KNOW" at times, and he fights with that ability every waking moment?
Frances - Rose Petal, Page of Cups, Creative, Sensitive, Intelligent
He/she, is a transgender individual that both Gabriel and Jeana helped so that he would come out of himself.
He has qualities that are very much neuter. Although he is indeed now female, he's very angelic and to the point where he almost supersedes the old concepts of gender differentiation. He's surrealistic, pretty, and a very lovely soul because he looks beyond physical attributes; hence, what Cherry doesn't see in Johnny, Frances does.
*** It's getting late here; so I'm going to add my brief word associations below for the other characters and deepen the flesh-out tomorrow.
I'm just going to add, that when we started with this, we had some very "surface stuff". Now, I think we can go much deeper because these characters HAVE been acting and doing stuff that we can actually evaluate. Weird, huh? We couldn't evaluate their behavior before because they hadn't actually "done it". But now they have, and are... And it's a totally different story.
Kay so I'll add more to this post later, but here's some short associations on the other characters that I have a whole lot more on, but I'm getting all typed out.
Roddy - Unyielding, Machismo, Joker,
Gabriel - Controlling, Brooding, Compensating, Pretender
Johnny - Indulgent Romantic, Dreamy, Appreciative, Nature lover
Jimmy - Humanitarian, Bleeding Heart, Peacemaker
Darnell - Passionate lover, Sensitive, Indulgent, Escapist, Party animal
Sandra, I'm still finding my take on THIEF, but I see that, generally, I agree with your assessment of these characters. Thanks for posting that, it helps. So, I won't be changing too much in regard to characterization.
I will be changing some other elements that are in your draft. I'll be pulling back the supernatural tone you've given the script, as I'm not sure all of it works. Frankly, much of it seems shoehorned into the story, and unrelated to the initial premise. Now I don't have a problem with adding totally new stuff to the story, but maybe it's a case of "too much too soon". No offense, but no more "Gabriel sex monster" (at least until you or another writer decides to put it back in).
Overall, I intend to:
~Bring THIEF back down to earth, ground it in reality.
~Keep the story, for the most part, in the "now" rather than the "then".
~Increase the humor and decrease the melodrama.
And other stuff that I haven't quite figured out yet. I don't want you (Sandra) to think that I didn't enjoy your draft. I did and I recognize you've brought a lot of good stuff to the table - but I believe that table is a bit overcrowded and disorganized at the moment.
No offense, but no more "Gabriel sex monster" (at least until you or another writer decides to put it back in).
to the table - but I believe that table is a bit overcrowded and disorganized at the moment.
Now, back to work...~Pete
Now you're gonna have people here all curious as to just what the hell Gabriel's got goin' on.
Gabriel? A sex monster? Nah. Well, yeah, but... Nah. Couldn't happen in Thief. Could it? But how? He's a virgin. He's been a virgin for a long time. Something's gotta give.
Okay, another apology is in order. I've been unresponsive and I apologize for that, but I haven't flaked on this project, I promise you.
I haven't gotten as much writing done as I would have liked to at this point, but I have done the bulk of the hard stuff, I believe.
The biggest change I've made is the completely new opening I added, which elucidates Gabriel's motivation for getting himself and his friends in the situation he creates.
It's probably a bit too long at 15 pages, but it helps the story, I think. What I have now neatly segues into a version of Sandra's dream sequence that quickly leads into the main story, which I'm still tweaking.
If you like, I can email you all the new opening to give you some idea of what path I'm taking.
Thanks again for allowing me to take a turn at a rewrite, and I hope I haven't pushed your patience too far.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us. Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros and too much time before the ring is stolen. No need to change anything, Just a reminder.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us. Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros and too much time before the ring is stolen. No need to change anything, Just a reminder.
Gary
Yes, Gary. I agree absolutely that had been the case. In my rewrite, I tried most of the introductions as "costumed individuals" that denote something about aspects of their personality.
I've just finished reading the fifteen pages that you sent to me, Pete. I really feel good about how you've painted Gabriel. We see his arrogance. I also enjoy seeing a clear set up of Gabriel's situation. It's got a certain amount of good snap to it.
I would like to work on more snap though and cut back on some of the dialogue with Bernie and try and move it ahead quicker. Also, I'd like to see tension between Gabriel and Darnell. In backstory work, that I had created, Gabriel and Darnell are cousins and there was a love/hate relationship between them.
It's unclear to me how this all works together if we move Darnell to L.A. I had Darnell staying home in Sidbury (West coastal town) looking after his uncle Logan and getting "it" in portions with Jeana, who is obsessed with the Heisberg history in all of its colors.
I feel it's not certain (to the audience) that Gabriel is "just gay", but rather, he's had tendencies that have fluctuated, but the meaning is deeper. I don't see him stating he's gay because he's not "this or that". He's very different.
The location of Gabriel's friends and family, were, it seemed located on and around the coastal town of Sidbury and "they" hold resentment towards his leaving them, but they don't really realize the depth of his situation and what his father, Logan, has requested he do. In fact, it's not a request, but a cast in stone identity that he must acquire, although he's been running from it-- through his acting, and to the point of running away to Hollywood to ignore it.
It is essential, if we are to raise this above just another Hollywood production, that we continue to work on these aspects of Gabriel's character and his relationship with the group. I believe it is key to the success of this all in all.
Once it is decided we (at least temporarily) are satisfied with the first 10-15 or so, we can try and work this through and if we come to some mutual agreement, I will submit this to a couple of guys I have met who are into filming and directing.
This will need to be gone over and gone over and gone over...
You've done some very very nice work here, Pete and I compliment you.
I'll work on trying to tighten some of what you've done and see if I can't build in some tension. Also, can we all agree to make the place of the group's history a coastal town? We have opportunity for sunsets, fogs, rain... all that good stuff if we do. And the benefit too is that it provides good juxtaposition with an L.A. lifestyle...
Granted, it's probably moot because if this were to get some filming here in Alberta, we'd probably be looking at Sylvan Lake as our waterfront and Edmonton or Calgary as our city.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us.
Thanks.
Quoted Text
Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros...
Yes, I recall that. The others are introduced very quickly in contrast to Gabriel, and we get to know them all as they interact. I just felt it was necessary to give a little more to Gabe since he instigates the whole thing.
Quoted Text
...and too much time before the ring is stolen.
The theft will occur earlier in my draft, but I'm not sure how much earlier at the moment. I plan to incorporate a series of thefts, literal and figurative.
Yes, go for it Pete! Don't hesitate to email me and I will stay on top with you and Gary in an effort to keep it tight and work on as many elements as we can together.
The visuals are pictures I took in Richmond, (Vancouver) ...and years ago, none of that was there. It's where I met my husband at the fish cannery when I had just turned 16.
When I started working on Thief, I actually imagined a market to be there. LITTLE DID I KNOW... So when I was down there in May, I almost fell flat!!!
Anyways, I think we have a helluva lot of backstory and a helluva lot of character. Allz we have to do is put it together. (That's all she says! ) Ok, maybe there's a little more to it, but meh to that!
...In my rewrite, I tried most of the introductions as "costumed individuals" that denote something about aspects of their personality.
My version of that dream sequence will be more dreamy. Its purpose in my draft is not to introduce the characters but to remind Gabriel of them, and to give a hint of what he thinks of them.
Quoted Text
I've just finished reading the fifteen pages that you sent to me, Pete. I really feel good about how you've painted Gabriel. We see his arrogance. I also enjoy seeing a clear set up of Gabriel's situation. It's got a certain amount of good snap to it.
Thanks, that's what I was going for.
Quoted Text
I would like to work on more snap though and cut back on some of the dialogue with Bernie and try and move it ahead quicker.
I'd prefer to keep their conversation pretty much the way it is (it could be tighter), but I could easily trim his interaction with the receptionist and young actress.
Quoted Text
Also, I'd like to see tension between Gabriel and Darnell. In backstory work, that I had created, Gabriel and Darnell are cousins and there was a love/hate relationship between them.
There's a little tension there now, but I don't want to get into that too soon. They are still cousins in my draft, that comes into play later. Perhaps I'll reference it in their first scene together, that's probably a good idea.
Quoted Text
It's unclear to me how this all works together if we move Darnell to L.A. I had Darnell staying home in Sidbury (West coastal town) looking after his uncle Logan and getting "it" in portions with Jeana, who is obsessed with the Heisberg history in all of its colors.
I'll be frank, big hunks of your backstory don't exist in my draft. There are hints of it, but some specifics have changed.
Quoted Text
I feel it's not certain (to the audience) that Gabriel is "just gay", but rather, he's had tendencies that have fluctuated, but the meaning is deeper. I don't see him stating he's gay because he's not "this or that". He's very different.
I intend to elaborate on that in the script. In my pages you've read so far, he never states that he is gay, other characters say it. I want to lead the audience into assuming that, then play with their expectations later.
Quoted Text
The location of Gabriel's friends and family, were, it seemed located on and around the coastal town of Sidbury...
I went with the original "Simply, Michigan" in my draft, I suppose it doesn't matter much. It could still be a coastal town.
Quoted Text
...and "they" hold resentment towards his leaving them
That resentment will still be there.
Quoted Text
...but they don't really realize the depth of his situation and what his father, Logan, has requested he do. In fact, it's not a request, but a cast in stone identity that he must acquire, although he's been running from it-- through his acting, and to the point of running away to Hollywood to ignore it.
Some of that survives in my draft. Gabriel is still, in some way, fighting for Logan's approval, though in my draft Logan is already dead.
Quoted Text
This will need to be gone over and gone over and gone over...
Of course, that's why I'm not too concerned with removing or adding elements to the story. I know the next writer may bring back some stuff (just as I have brought back things from Gary's draft that were changed in Sandra's) and also introduce new things.
Quoted Text
You've done some very very nice work here, Pete and I compliment you.
Thank you very much. I hope some of it lives on in the next draft.
Quoted Text
I'll work on trying to tighten some of what you've done and see if I can't build in some tension.
Okay, but too much tension too soon can get tiresome. I think we just need set up situations that lead to tension. Forced "tension" can be melodramatic and soap opera-like.
Quoted Text
Also, can we all agree to make the place of the group's history a coastal town? We have opportunity for sunsets, fogs, rain... all that good stuff if we do. And the benefit too is that it provides good juxtaposition with an L.A. lifestyle...
Sure, a coastal town is fine with me.
I'll try to give you all an update fairly soon. I should have more time to write and be online in the near future.
Thank you very much. I hope some of it lives on in the next draft.
Okay, but too much tension too soon can get tiresome. I think we just need set up situations that lead to tension. Forced "tension" can be melodramatic and soap opera-like.
~Pete
With respect to tension, it needs to be more as subtext and nothing forced, but implied. Even a piece of furniture can be the source of tension and not dialogue.
It's the actions that DO speak louder than words.
At this present time, I do not wish to change too much of what you have written except to compress some of it. I'm very good at saving teensy-tiny space. I can definitely pinch the pennies if I need to.
As we move forward, things will become more clarified. I'm sure many lights will go on that will be fun to watch as they flicker.
I've done some trimming and tightening on the opening scenes - it's now a leaner 12 pages (11 and 1/3 really). I'm going to try to get a least a few more pages done over the weekend, I'll you know how it goes.
I'd prefer to keep their conversation pretty much the way it is (it could be tighter), but I could easily trim his interaction with the receptionist and young actress.
Yes, I agree. Keep most of what we've got with Bernie. The thing I like about Bernie is that he sees Gabriel in a particular light and knows that Gabriel's head is screwed up and Gabriel really, it seems has "self sabotaged" himself by not taking what's offered.
In fact, it might not just be his arrogance that has caused him to turn down those deals although it sure does seem that way.
I'll be frank, big hunks of your backstory don't exist in my draft. There are hints of it, but some specifics have changed.
That's good. We don't need loads of backstory weighing down our pages. All the backstory exists, but it doesn't stream on the surface, but underneath in "the currents".
I intend to elaborate on that in the script. In my pages you've read so far, he never states that he is gay, other characters say it. I want to lead the audience into assuming that, then play with their expectations later.
This is important. For the actor who plays him, it's a very critical decision on our part here because there's so much that can be done in this regard. It's really a loaded element working in Gabriel's persona and how it's defined from his point of view and others' perspectives. Of course we all know, how we see ourselves, and how others see us, is often quite different.
Some of that survives in my draft. Gabriel is still, in some way, fighting for Logan's approval, though in my draft Logan is already dead.
Aha!!! And now we have the beautiful nugget that "I've been searching for"... For a long while now, I saw Logan faking his own death in order to "release" Jeana from "their relationship" and thereby release himself of his known sins. As much as he loves Jeana, he wants her to be with Gabriel because Gabriel is "the marked man", but I'm not sure if he knows/knew of Jeana's affairs with Darnell who always resented the fact that Gabriel was favored by Logan.
Remember, Gabriel IS Logan's son by blood and Jeana "came as a packaged daughter" along with her mother, Emma Forest when Emma married Logan. Emma's name changed to "Heisberg" when she married, but they never changed Jeana's last name in memory of "Jake Forest", her real father. (Big story behind that too.) Jeana's mother was murdered by a doctor who performed abortions, but he bought himself out through the corrupt use of the justice system.
Point in all that is: Jeana was raised along with Gabriel in the Heisberg mansion as brother and sister basically although they never were by blood and the entire group subsisted a great deal by good favors that were bestowed upon them from Logan. Logan arranged (unbeknownst to Gabriel) his first connections in L.A. and had encouraged Jeana to go with him, but Jeana refused to leave Logan who was/is suffering from an unpredictable illness.
Logan realized that he needed "to die" in order for Jeana to go and be with Gabriel.
Now the question is: Since, Logan absolutely marked Gabriel to be the holder of the estate and there's no question about that...
Gabriel wouldn't need any money, right? BUT... Perhaps Logan also arranged "the lie" where Darnell's father, (Gabriel's uncle Flin) was given control over the estate and THIS... this really screws up Gabriel's mind because it's obvious what Gabriel's thinking now... "How could he exclude me?" and "This was all predetermined. He made it clear. And HOW many times!" Gabriel didn't want any part of any of it in no way shape or form and now... Now he flips it and maybe deep inside DOES want it?
I hope that helps to develop things as you work, Pete.
Would you like a writing partner (me) or are you ready to pass it on? Keep me informed.
Gary
Yes please. Looking forward. From what I've seen, I enjoyed.
Gary, as in my reply to you, I believe we (those still interested) are entering a completely new phase in "Thief". I've currently been assembling books and materials to work more elaborately on the back stories and create a spin-off that is not meant as a movie, but as some kind of hybrid, using the internet and other tools.
Right now, I'm estimating to be working on it for the next five years and see where it goes from there. My goal is to really enjoy it and so far, I am. I'm so excited sometimes, I can hardly contain myself.
For those close to me, I'm still here to call on for reads, but my time's at a premium right now and I will, as always, try to incorporate some "fun research and inspiration" when I head to Austria this Saturday.
Email me just in case I miss the posts here on the boards. I try and check in, but it's been really difficult lately.
good to hear from you. a five year project for a thief-related project? girl, you got it good. I haven't heard from tom in months. looks like we may be victims of evaporation.
good to hear from you. a five year project for a thief-related project? girl, you got it good. I haven't heard from tom in months. looks like we may be victims of evaporation.
have fun in austria!
Gary
Yes, probably most likely I think so. Tee-hee.
Anyways, a person's got to feel in their heart something for a project/projects or it's just too pedantic. I came to a strong discernment in this respect last August. And, although I love the tedious perfectionist tendencies that are noble attributes in (myself tee-hee) and the writers on this board, I realized:
One of the most critical elements outside of the development and skillful application of screenwriting craft, is the love of life and art. That's when I realized I was in love, but also in chains; so I made this remarkable shift occur and I haven't looked back since.
For any writers who might be trapped inside this thread, ...
Best advice I can give you besides all the other good advice you'll find here is:
Writing isn't just at your computer. Writing is life.
Since Pete has not been around, I'm working with Gary's recent draft and going to work with a lot of details.
Our mission is to keep this down in page count, reduce the crap of first drafts, and continue to craft.
We've eradicated scenes and material that will remain "off the page" as backstory, but will not appear here in the coming work.
As one of my goals, I will try and make this more acceptable to a wider audience. As Gary knows, (tee-hee) I had one heck of a rewrite last spring that went over the edge, but it was a challenge and it was fun and there she be.
Now I've considered this a lot, and I would like to tame some of the language. Also, the dialogue needs some work in demonstrating the characters' unique speech patterns.
Details are so very important and it's those details that really make it special and worthwhile to write, to read, to act, to watch. I'd like to incorporate some of that upon Gary's recent developments.
I'll be paying attention to pacing and searching for opportunities for a little bit of comedy perhaps and "openings" for potential future work.
I think we have a good foundation. We'll work the details and carry on.
Pages: 
Author
Thief - Screenwriting Exercise/Game #12 Rewrite
Logged
Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that.
Locked Board