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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread  (currently 12119 views)
mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Please place your log line in this thread if you would like it reviewed.

While you are reviewing log lines, you should probably quote the log line you are reviewing because multiple log lines will be posted.

NOTE:  Please try to keep this as a serious discussion about the log lines presented.  Serious means no chatting back and forth about unrelated subjects and no joking around or making wise cracks. If you keep it serious then as a reward - rather than clearing out the thread periodically - I will make an archive of the past discussion and save it to this board.

Enjoy!

Michael  

The next post in this thread should be a logline!

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mcornetto  -  December 10th, 2009, 12:50am
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.
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slabstaa
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


Sounds vague.  Maybe you should tell us a little more, just slightly?  I don't know.  I'm terrible with loglines most of the time.  Why is his new partner too good to be true?


Ok, here's one I've been fiddling around with for close to a year.


The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."


So what do you guys think? haha.
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work.

Does that sound sharper to you?

As far as mine goes:

I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.
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bert
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.  For example:


Quoted from logline
...his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia


You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone.

Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.


This is true.



Quoted from bert

For example:
You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone.

Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.


Well, they leave the bureau, but they are critical to the rest of the story as well.
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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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I had a completely different and completely wonderful and succinct logline developed at the start of this.

Truly, I knew it was good. I'm good at loglines when I work them...

But then comes the story... And the characters start manipulating me...

And... and... and...

And I've got things that I couldn't have dreamed in my wildest dreams; so now, I'm just going to throw out a completely impulsive logline that is too long and you're going to wonder "What the Hell?" But seriously, it's what I'm getting right now; so give me some questions, and I'll work it.

You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.

Weird, I know. But there it is.

I'm in the woods.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.


We may have posted at the same time, Michael.  They are in the whole script, and they are quite important as well.  I really like what you have there, Michael, and here is a hybrid version:

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from steven8
An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work.

Does that sound sharper to you?

As far as mine goes:

I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.


How about:

An Underworld Lord juggles his life as a "daddy", but teaching morals and living them are two different things.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.


Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".
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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slabstaa

The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."


First off I would get rid of the life and legacy, you don't need it.   Maybe something like...

A powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist struggles with the meaning of his life when his young daughter asks him to quit.

And I'm making some assumptions here but I supposed that's sort of what you were getting at.    
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.



It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".


Ah, this may be the final!

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

I really like it!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?


It's your life and you have to figure that out.  

My job right now is to try and figure out how to produce that concept within the logline and I really am coming up blank.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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