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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread  (currently 11416 views)
sniper
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Quoted from slabstaa
The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."

This definitely had me thinking about The Sopranos. That's good though. I always like thinking about The Sopranos (especially Meadow and that Puerto Rican cooze from season 5 and 6).

Anyway...I'm getting a Danielle Steel vibe from latter part of the logline, slabby, and unless that's what you're gunning for, I think you could "tough guy" it up a bit. Also, you use the word "daddy" twice. Doesn't flow right imo.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist-- except when it comes to his daughter.

That's my take.

I know this one from my experience with Logan.  

However, I'm not sure from your logline if the Iron Fisted Gangster is the father of in this logline, but that's what I'm getting.

Definitely shorten it. It's a real bitch to do this over and over again, but it's definitely part of the process of defining the story. Sometimes it might be a "one time deal", but from my experience, it's something that loves to change.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stevie
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from stevie
Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


When two Aussies embark on a road trip in the USA, they are pursued by a host of villains and oddballs that look remarkably like themselves.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stevie
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, interesting, Sandra! I dunno...

i may just put something like:

Hidden money
Excitement
A cast of hundreds
Driving mayhem
Las vegas
Over the top
No letup
Grand adventure

It spells...  HEADLONG


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today.

"A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."


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grademan
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

Two Aussie screw-ups plunge headlong into a trip across the Southwest USA mixing it up with hoods and oddballs along the way.

Questions: What is the relationship between the two Aussies? What is their goal? What kind of shit do they get into?

Hope it helps

Gary
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grademan
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Damn,

Mr Blonde that's good, I'd go see it.

Gary
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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


First off, a drive from Phoenix to Las Vegas is like a six hour drive.   So straight off that doesn't sound too impressive.  Why are they doing the trip?  Is it because they are being pursued.  If so, then you should mention that up front.  

Two Aussies pursed by hood, embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas in order to escape.  

Then how do the oddballs help or hinder them.  Protag tries to do this, while Antag does this.

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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today.

"A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."


I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect".

However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed.

Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.  
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stevie
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, nice logline Mr Blonde, and Michael's suggestion could make it better.

Um, as to mine, Michael and Gary, the aussies are brothers, travelling to their dad's 50th birthday party. They are going via Sedona, Flagstaff, South Rim, then back towards Vegas.
This follows an actual trip I did in 1997, though we went round through Page and Zion NP to Vegas.

There is money hidden in their rented RV, so, crims are pursuing them. The aussies don't know about any of this. along the way, they meet different people, hikers, etc.
It is comedy, with perhaps an 'M' rating, possibly PG.  Cheers


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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from mcornetto


I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect".

However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed.

Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.  


Thanks, Michael. It's not actually a really supernatural story. The wording just made it seem that way. Well, kind of. I guess you could call it a supernatural revenge movie. But, I agree. Collect sounds better than having "back" twice in six words.


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stevie
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.


I like that, Michael, nice. It doesn't seem too long though? some people may comment on it, but it doesn't bother me.
You've given me an idea I can use, re the urgency of the trip. The script has a, hopefully, pacy feel to it, with speeding vehicles and stuff, anyway. Perhaps I can have the boys trying not to miss the party.



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grademan
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two.

Here's the synopsis:

The Prince of Coal

Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.  

It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got:

Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Gary


Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  December 14th, 2009, 9:19pm
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