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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread  (currently 11569 views)
mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Please place your log line in this thread if you would like it reviewed.

While you are reviewing log lines, you should probably quote the log line you are reviewing because multiple log lines will be posted.

NOTE:  Please try to keep this as a serious discussion about the log lines presented.  Serious means no chatting back and forth about unrelated subjects and no joking around or making wise cracks. If you keep it serious then as a reward - rather than clearing out the thread periodically - I will make an archive of the past discussion and save it to this board.

Enjoy!

Michael  

The next post in this thread should be a logline!

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mcornetto  -  December 10th, 2009, 12:50am
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.
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slabstaa
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


Sounds vague.  Maybe you should tell us a little more, just slightly?  I don't know.  I'm terrible with loglines most of the time.  Why is his new partner too good to be true?


Ok, here's one I've been fiddling around with for close to a year.


The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."


So what do you guys think? haha.
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work.

Does that sound sharper to you?

As far as mine goes:

I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.
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bert
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.  For example:


Quoted from logline
...his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia


You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone.

Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.


This is true.



Quoted from bert

For example:
You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone.

Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.


Well, they leave the bureau, but they are critical to the rest of the story as well.
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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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I had a completely different and completely wonderful and succinct logline developed at the start of this.

Truly, I knew it was good. I'm good at loglines when I work them...

But then comes the story... And the characters start manipulating me...

And... and... and...

And I've got things that I couldn't have dreamed in my wildest dreams; so now, I'm just going to throw out a completely impulsive logline that is too long and you're going to wonder "What the Hell?" But seriously, it's what I'm getting right now; so give me some questions, and I'll work it.

You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.

Weird, I know. But there it is.

I'm in the woods.

Sandra



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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.


We may have posted at the same time, Michael.  They are in the whole script, and they are quite important as well.  I really like what you have there, Michael, and here is a hybrid version:

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work.

Does that sound sharper to you?

As far as mine goes:

I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.


How about:

An Underworld Lord juggles his life as a "daddy", but teaching morals and living them are two different things.

Sandra



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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.


Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".
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mcornetto
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slabstaa

The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."


First off I would get rid of the life and legacy, you don't need it.   Maybe something like...

A powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist struggles with the meaning of his life when his young daughter asks him to quit.

And I'm making some assumptions here but I supposed that's sort of what you were getting at.    
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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.



It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?
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steven8
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Quoted from mcornetto


Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".


Ah, this may be the final!

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

I really like it!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?


It's your life and you have to figure that out.  

My job right now is to try and figure out how to produce that concept within the logline and I really am coming up blank.

Sandra



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sniper
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slabstaa
The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."

This definitely had me thinking about The Sopranos. That's good though. I always like thinking about The Sopranos (especially Meadow and that Puerto Rican cooze from season 5 and 6).

Anyway...I'm getting a Danielle Steel vibe from latter part of the logline, slabby, and unless that's what you're gunning for, I think you could "tough guy" it up a bit. Also, you use the word "daddy" twice. Doesn't flow right imo.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist-- except when it comes to his daughter.

That's my take.

I know this one from my experience with Logan.  

However, I'm not sure from your logline if the Iron Fisted Gangster is the father of in this logline, but that's what I'm getting.

Definitely shorten it. It's a real bitch to do this over and over again, but it's definitely part of the process of defining the story. Sometimes it might be a "one time deal", but from my experience, it's something that loves to change.

Sandra



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stevie
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Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


When two Aussies embark on a road trip in the USA, they are pursued by a host of villains and oddballs that look remarkably like themselves.

Sandra



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stevie
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, interesting, Sandra! I dunno...

i may just put something like:

Hidden money
Excitement
A cast of hundreds
Driving mayhem
Las vegas
Over the top
No letup
Grand adventure

It spells...  HEADLONG


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today.

"A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."


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grademan
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Stevie,

Two Aussie screw-ups plunge headlong into a trip across the Southwest USA mixing it up with hoods and oddballs along the way.

Questions: What is the relationship between the two Aussies? What is their goal? What kind of shit do they get into?

Hope it helps

Gary
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grademan
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Damn,

Mr Blonde that's good, I'd go see it.

Gary
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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?


First off, a drive from Phoenix to Las Vegas is like a six hour drive.   So straight off that doesn't sound too impressive.  Why are they doing the trip?  Is it because they are being pursued.  If so, then you should mention that up front.  

Two Aussies pursed by hood, embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas in order to escape.  

Then how do the oddballs help or hinder them.  Protag tries to do this, while Antag does this.

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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today.

"A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."


I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect".

However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed.

Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.  
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stevie
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, nice logline Mr Blonde, and Michael's suggestion could make it better.

Um, as to mine, Michael and Gary, the aussies are brothers, travelling to their dad's 50th birthday party. They are going via Sedona, Flagstaff, South Rim, then back towards Vegas.
This follows an actual trip I did in 1997, though we went round through Page and Zion NP to Vegas.

There is money hidden in their rented RV, so, crims are pursuing them. The aussies don't know about any of this. along the way, they meet different people, hikers, etc.
It is comedy, with perhaps an 'M' rating, possibly PG.  Cheers


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mcornetto
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect".

However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed.

Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.  


Thanks, Michael. It's not actually a really supernatural story. The wording just made it seem that way. Well, kind of. I guess you could call it a supernatural revenge movie. But, I agree. Collect sounds better than having "back" twice in six words.


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stevie
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Quoted from mcornetto
'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.


I like that, Michael, nice. It doesn't seem too long though? some people may comment on it, but it doesn't bother me.
You've given me an idea I can use, re the urgency of the trip. The script has a, hopefully, pacy feel to it, with speeding vehicles and stuff, anyway. Perhaps I can have the boys trying not to miss the party.



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grademan
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I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two.

Here's the synopsis:

The Prince of Coal

Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.  

It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got:

Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Gary


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grademan  -  December 14th, 2009, 9:19pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two.

Here's the synopsis:

The Prince of Coal

Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.  

It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got:

Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Gary



When the real Santa loses his Christmas spirit, his assistant mistakenly hires Darth Santa, a bitter man whose Christmases only resulted in a mountain of coal.

Gary, you think you've got a lot to boil down, Tommy's read my wip and it's a doozie.  

We'll see what I can do with it before the 21st though.

Currently this is my logline:

A funny grief counselor writes her own true story to help a grieving child; yet when she meets The Stranger, she learns her fate is out of her control due to the Magic of Letters.

Sandra



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grademan
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Much better Santa er, Sandra,

Thanks!

Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters.

Gary
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
Much better Santa er, Sandra,

Thanks!

Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters.

Gary


I myself was wondering whether I should cut off at out of her control and leave it at that, since I really don't need the last part since it's in the title.

I'm siding with cutting it since you've mentioned exactly what I was feeling nudging at me. Thank you Gary.

Sandra



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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, another idea/logline came to me last night, and I'd just like to see if it catches anyone else's attention. Thanks, in advance.

"What the Hell is Mark 12 78?"

Housebreakers torture a family and demand they sacrifice their own child to save themselves.


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grademan
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Whose children must be sacrificed?

Housebreakers? How about home invaders?

I don't see a connection between the title and the log.

During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)
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Quoted from steven8
A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.


What foe does right-wing FBI oppose? What common enemy will bring the two together?

A veteran cop is partnered with a young homicidal cop. Both having one thing in common, hating working in pairs. Now they must learn to work with one and other to stop a gang of drug smugglers


Veteran cop = Murtough.

Homicidal cop = Riggs.

Movie = Lethal Weapon.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


I'm terrible with politics, but I thought I'd offer this:

Right and Left wing FBI agents enter turbulence when one desires academia over the old and rigid rules they know as FBI-Y.

Sandra



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I'm hoping that I will get a couple of suggestions for improvement on my logline for my 7wc after a couple of people have read it. I truly suck at those. Not to mention synopsises. Crap! I can't even spell!!

"At the rundown hospital of St. Mary’s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."  


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mcornetto
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Quoted from Angry Bear
"At the rundown hospital of St. Mary�s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."


Twas the night before Christmas and all through St Mary's,
Santa is horny so the women are wary,
a trio of nurses provide invasive care,
all witnessed by a young girl we are not sure is there.  
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Angry Bear
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MC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I use it??

PERFECT!!!


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mcornetto
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Of course you can use it.  Glad you liked it.
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Mr. Blonde
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Quoted from grademan
Whose children must be sacrificed?

Housebreakers? How about home invaders?

I don't see a connection between the title and the log.

During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)


I know. It's a bad logline, but I think the idea itself will be ok as a short.

I like home invaders. Works well, too.

Title's a reference to the Bible.

And, the "something like that" works fine for me.

Thanks, Grademan.


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ajr
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*raises hand*

Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline...

"A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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mcornetto
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Quoted from ajr
*raises hand*

Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline...

"A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."



That isn't a bad logline Anthony.  I would try using a different sort of action than deal.  Deal sounds kind of uneventful. I'm making a lot of assumptions here about your story but maybe

During a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queen, a restless underachiever must dodge his crazy friends and fight against his blue-collar upbringing while trying to make the most important decision of his life - which of the two girls he loves is the right one for him.  
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ajr
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Mcornetto,

Thanks for the quick reply, but yeah, the story doesn't go quite like that. It's more about deciding between two women - one that he's just met, and another who's rejected him in the past and who he knows he has a limited amount of time with. In the end he decides to get closure with the one who's leaving and ultimately pursues the other relationship.

As for the friends, it's more about resenting his role of big brother and protector - kinda the same thing with the neighborhood. He has opportunities to get out but he never seems to take them - until now.

I was using "must reconcile" instead of "must deal"?

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Pete B. Lane
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I was thinking "reconcile" too. "Resolve" would work too.

A wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, NY, provokes a restless underachiever to resolve feelings for two women, his crazy friends and a blue-collar upbringing.


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NJDevil
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Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy:

"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

Any suggestions ?
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ajr
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Pete,

I like "resolve" - good one!

The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with:

"A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York."

NJD,

You certainly don't want help from me... (o:

Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait.

AJR


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NJDevil
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Quoted from ajr
Pete,

I like "resolve" - good one!

The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with:

"A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York."

NJD,

You certainly don't want help from me... (o:

Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait.

AJR


That's kinda what I was going for. I had a hard time trying to sum it up without being too vague. But you got to the central conflict right away, so maybe I'm on to something . Thanks!


As for yours, I like your latest idea. The 1989 part sounds a bit cumbersome, but it has to get in there somehow, no?
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mcornetto
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NJDevil
"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "


This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.  

Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?  

It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.  

That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.
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Pete B. Lane
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Quoted from NJDevil
Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy:

"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

Any suggestions ?


I (too) would like a little more information in that logline.

Something like:

An ambitious student-athlete, attempting to hide his impending death, (...does something....).

I haven't read your story so I can't fill in the blank there, but you get the idea.

~Pete



Revision History (1 edits)
Pete B. Lane  -  January 29th, 2010, 6:53pm
too slow
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NJDevil
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Quoted from mcornetto


This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.  

Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?  

It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.  

That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.


Okay, more info...

The protagonist has an inoperable brain tumor, so that's the demise part. He's very important to a lot of people (family, friends, team, band) and doesn't want to disappoint them, so he hides it from everyone (except his mother). Of course, he can't keep it a secret forever, and the more he tries, the harder it gets.

The cancer isn't the major reveal of the story, it's more about how he deals with it and how his life affects others.


...and I don't think you sound cranky  
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mcornetto
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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This is pretty simple, it still needs some more conflict, but it's a start.

An ambitious student-athlete struggles to overcome a terminal illness by pretending he is in perfect health.
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kendg8r
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Alright, I found the current loglines for my TV show and its pilot episode.  Tear em up if you want:


Quoted Text
"THE MAKING OF AN IDEALIST"
When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different? What if he started out as a shy, directionless, college freshmen who held on to those ideals even in the face of tremendous pressure to compromise?

Episode 101 - “Pilot”
After Senator Adams fights his party colleagues over a Supreme Court nomination, lobbyists probe his past for weaknesses.  Twenty five years earlier, a college freshman named Mike struggles with girls and fraternities, while the conniving Nick Atlee looks to Rush Week to further his ambitions.


Thanks!


Kenneth Kerns
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bert
Posted: February 1st, 2010, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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First thoughts on the first one are to kill the entire last sentence:


Quoted Text
When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different?


Leaving the question to hang -- open-ended -- strikes me as stronger.

For the second "pilot" one -- you are telling the story of the same guy, in two different time periods?  You should make that clear if you are -- or let us know how the stories are connected if you aren't.

I would look for what is unique at the heart of the "Mike" story -- something political, perhaps -- as "girls and fraternities" do not really bring anything fresh to the scenario, if you know what I mean.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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kendg8r
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The series logline - you're probably right that to explain how he'd be different may be weaker, as it largely rephrases the premise and, as you said, it's less open-ended.

The pilot episode's logline:
1) Yes, Mike and Senator Adams are the same person (adult and college student).  It's clear in the script, if not entirely in the logline.
2) This version was a paring down of a lengthier logline, so I guess I lost some of the meaning in the Mike story by phrasing it this way.  I'll mull it over.

Thanks for the feedback!  I'll repost with revisions later.


Kenneth Kerns
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Screenwriter, "Beltway Connections"
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_ghostwriter
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The title of the script:  YELLOW FEVER  

Yes, I know it's not eye-catching, but it's the whole premises of the script.  I'm open to changing it... if or when I can come up with something much better.

It's a thriller and after I re-write the third act, it should top out at 109 pages.

My two loglines...

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

When a series of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler matches wits with a psychopath.  One who's closer then she thinks.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Ghost


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriter  -  February 9th, 2011, 1:56am
Grammar mistakes
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mcornetto
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.    

So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   If not I was very confused by the end - she becomes her next victim.   If so then I was still confused but only until I thought about it.    

If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name. I do think at the very least you should mention that the psychopath is a woman.

My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.
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_ghostwriter
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Quoted from mcornetto
After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  You're right.  Thanks.

And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.   Correct again.  I was concerned about that.

So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   Exactly.

If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name.   I debated it.  They say try to avoid using character names, but I think I will.

My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.  


I like yours better then mine.  I'll just replace Jennie Wong with my characters name.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Kim Miyajima, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.

Thanks a bunch MC.

Ghost


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriter  -  February 9th, 2011, 8:20pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 4th, 2011, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Found this thread and thought i would give it a go. I need to sharpen up on log lines so why not use the power of SS?

My log lines for the OWCs have been appalling.

I would therefore appreciate comments on the log line below which is for a short comedy script, only five pages.

Title; "A Girl's Best Friend"

Log line; "An arrogant playboy seeks to impress a young woman by walking her dog, only to discover that a dog is not always man's best friend".

I am reasonably happy with this, but it does repeat the "best friend" from the title - ok? also as a short it does explain a fair amount of what happens, admittedly without detail, but still is this too revealing?

Thanks in advance (if anybody chips in!)




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Revision History (1 edits)
Reef Dreamer  -  December 5th, 2011, 5:52am
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leitskev
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I like it Reef. Is this comedy or horror? Might make a difference in whether you succeed in attracting interest, which of course is the purpose of the log. But I like it as it is.
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Reef Dreamer
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Thanks Kevin,

I appreciate the feedback.

Your question is interesting about whether it is a comedy or horror since in an ideal world it should be clear, I think, yet I can see both options in this log.

This is a comedy.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
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I thought it was comedy, but looking at it, I thought it could be horror. I don't think it's a problem that it's not 100% clear. Anyone looking at your log will have glanced at title and genre. I think.
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Hey Reef,

Without knowing the actual story, this could be horror or comedy.
But since this is a short, I'm guessing comedy.
Your title teases the canine aspect pretty well.
So, I didn't see a need to reinforce the dog angle.
Loglines are about enticement. Inciting interest to read.  

A cocky ladies man plays good neighbor to the new hottie on the block.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.


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Reef Dreamer
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Brett

Thanks for the suggestion, much appreciated. Indeed, an interesting take on it.

I would love to see your definition of "hottie"!

As you and Kevin have pointed out it is not wholly clear that this is a comedy, which the log line should do. As it happens I had to enter this into a competition but as it is a comedy comp this should be fine.

But I think it is good to stand back and think does this log line say the genre as well as the story. A good test. Ideally it should jump out at you.

I hope more use this thread as it is a valuable challenge to us all.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Quoted from steven8


Ah, this may be the final!

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.
JR This has possibly four stories or movies in it.
A) A hard nosed FBI agent.
B) A Hard nosed Right wing, FBI agent.
C) Ex partner is another story, already.
D) Left wing, too much politics and intelligence kills the fiction element.
(Unless you have a 'Watergate' story as narrated to you by a 'Deep Throat', journalist's stories aren't worth a dime in Hollywood)
E) Dream partner turns out to be a nightmare is a nice little story by itself.
I really like it!


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marriot
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a cool crime drama series. “Street” : A black diamond forged on the mean streets of London, are her edges too sharp for the blingbling world she now investigates for?
or
Forced to grow up too soon on the mean streets of Hackney, sparks will fly when she turns PI for the stars.
or
Magnum, PI: Hackney (my favourite)

[for those who don't know london - hackney is a run down housing estate - think of a UK version of the Baltimore projects in the wire.]

[edit - so the central character is a black lass from a gang area, but does 'black diamond' push the envelope?]


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mcornetto
Posted: August 16th, 2012, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I wondering the audience you are going for.  Is it British or American?   If it's American you should just use the projects  (instead of Hackney).    Otherwise, the second logline is more along the lines of what you want.  

However, it's more of a tagline than a logline.  You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline.

You have the antag and the irony but you're missing the other two.

Hope that helps,

Michael
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marriot
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that helps! (I didn't realise "You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline" - but it makes a lot of sense now you say it. Thanks.)



[edit - it's aimed at the uk friday night tv audience.

So, "Forced to grow up too soon on a tough london estate, sparks will fly when Tiffany Streets turns PI for the world of blingbling celebrity" --- ?]



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marriot  -  August 17th, 2012, 12:29pm
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_ghostwriter
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Any feedback would be appreciated.

REAP and SOW:

Genre: Erotic Crime Thriller

Page count: 111

....when an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadisti sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit...

Ghostie


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriter  -  August 17th, 2014, 3:55pm
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stevemiles
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Ghostie,

‘When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit’

Thought the first part read okay, though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’.  Also, how important to the story is it that we know the suspect is sultry?

How about something along the lines of:

An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when the prime suspect in a (insert your crime here) turns out to be her jaded ex-lover.

Not sure what exactly takes place here so I left the crime/crimes out.

Hope this helps.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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_ghostwriter
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Thanks, Stevie.


Quoted Text
though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’


Yes, it does seem that way now.   That's for pointing it out.

When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation when her former lovers turn up as suspects...

All right, at the moment maybe I'll go with this. Unless anyone else have any suggestions.

Thanks again -- Steve.

Ghostie


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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hawkeye
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Ghostie,

It's an interesting logline, but I think I'm missing what you're trying to convey. So the agent has several former lovers who are ALL potential suspects in the case?  I wonder if that might be a little much. Why would so many different lovers all have the same potential for being a suspect?

I could see where there might be quite a bit of drama if several of her former lovers were all VICTIMS of the psychopath.  Now you have something that ramps up the drama.  Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  You could play up that element all the way to the very end. For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself.

Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about:

An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects.

Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions.  Good luck with this!

Gary


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_ghostwriter
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Quoted from hawkeye
Ghostie,

Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  No, she's not.

You could play up that element all the way to the very end.I like the suggestion  For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself. I like the idea. Something to think about.

Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions. Good catch.

Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about:

An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects.
It's better than my original. I'll tweak it somemore. I'm near crunch time.


Thanks a bunch, Gary, much appreciated.

Ghostie

EDIT:   An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when a jaded ex-lover becomes the prime suspect in a series of lust murders.


When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch the rarest of female serial killers, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which a former lover turns up as the prime suspect...


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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_ghostwriter  -  August 21st, 2014, 4:59am
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_ghostwriter
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Thanks again,  Stevie and Gary for your suggestions.

More than likely,  this one will become the official logline....

- An FBI profiler is thrown in the middle of her own investigation when the prime suspect in the hunt for a sadistic sexual psychopath turns up being her ex-lover.

Ghostie


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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_ghostwriter  -  September 4th, 2014, 1:40pm
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Zack
Posted: December 3rd, 2014, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed.

Any suggestions?

~Zack~


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DS
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Quoted from Zack
A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed.

Any suggestions?

~Zack~


Sounds like a short. I'd open a short with this logline, doesn't sound like a feature if I had to guess. Anyway, I can see the concept and it looks interesting. Despite that, the logline feels like it wants to hide something in the script and is incomplete -- like it explains what happens up to page 2-3 and that's it. Surely they're not going to be speeding to the house for the entire script? An exorcism has just been performed doesn't feel like it covers the entire script either. Perhaps it's down to the wording.

Something in the lines of "A sheriff and his deputy have to deal with a case of exorcism (after being called to investigate.../whatever it is)", but worded better than I have, could probably accomplish that task more successfully.

Local - Superfluous unless replaced with the actual location where the family is from, e.g Texan family.

Not a lot of details on the essence of the exorcism, who has been exorcised, how the Sheriff and the deputy end up having to go there or any specification on the sheriff, deputy or the family. Perhaps no need to be, short and simple would probably work fine. Out of all of those, I'd just want to see why they're ending up at that house in the logline.

What bothered me about the logline was its feeling of explaining a few pages rather the entire script, that I referenced above.

Hope this helped. Good luck.
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Zack
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Yes it's a short and yes it really just describes the set up... Honestly it just describes the first page. Thanks for the tips DS.

~Zack~


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MarkRenshaw
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I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop?

Any suggestions are welcome.
     
A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Sounds like a very contained feature. Like a killer is trapped in one room for the entire second and third act of the film. The disaster also is not specified... seems too ambiguous to me.

Perhaps there should also be a hyphen between 12-Step, as it reads quite confusing, as though they are 'step killers'. Maybe the multitude of hits are to try and figure out what you mean by 12 step killers.

Anyway, those things stood out to me. Hope this helps. I don't think it's possible to rewrite a logline without knowing the story.
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JonnyBoy
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop?

Any suggestions are welcome.
     
A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.


Too much going on there for me. You've got the correct elements, but you want to get it down to one sentence.

The 'Psychotics Anonymous' name means little to us before we've read the script. We also don't need the 'sponsor' and 'disaster strikes' elements, I don't think - it's that last sentence that sets up the promise of the premise. But what makes the strangers 'highly killable'? Also, if it's a contained, one-location thriller, that'll boost its appeal, so find a way to work that in?


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Warning - I am crap at loglines.

However, like JB and Dustin there is a little too much for me.

What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.

May be useful to specify the type of victim he had to connect the dots, eg prostitues

So it could be...

A recovering serial killer, seeking to rid himself of the demons that cause him to kill prostitues, finds himself trapped in a room with two hookers, and nobody watching.

I've taken liberties but I like the sense of irony that could be attached to who is in the room

All the best


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MarkRenshaw
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Thanks for the suggestions. I too am crap at loglines, I hate them.

Everyone makes good points, I am particularly drawn to reef's comment here


Quoted from Reef Dreamer

What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.


I think you are really onto something here. I think I need to approach it more like a recovering killer faced with the thing he is addicted to the most!

How about:

A recovering psychotic joins a unique, super-secret society and embarks on a bizarre 12-step program for serial killers but finds himself trapped in a room with two vulnerable women.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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MarkRenshaw  -  November 20th, 2015, 10:15am
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Reef Dreamer
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Mark

The only issue I have is that you seem to place more importance on the build up than the dramatic heart - the final situation. It is the three of them in the room that would be on the billboard - will he kill them.

As an aside, I would love this if he was thrown into this by someone with an agenda. The script may not fit this idea, but it could help us root for the underdog, who happens to be a killer.

so...

A serial killer - whose victims were women - seeks to change his ways with the aid of a secret 'killers' self help group, but soon finds himself challenged when unexpectedly trapped in a room with two 'appealing' women.

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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khamanna
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I liked "killable strangers".

For me the part about the sponsor is not needed. The "disaster strikes" also not needed IMO because I don't know what disaster you're talking about here.

So.. Possibly this if it's grammatically sound (and I don't know much about English grammar)

A new Psychotics Anonymous member masters the unique twelve step program for serial killers only to appear trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.
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eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.  

For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from eldave1
Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.  

For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.


My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist.

It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before.

Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist.

It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before.

Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.



Mark - I get that and personally think serial killers at an AA style meeting has great comedic potential - i.e., the premise is really unique. My point really was that the log line might not be the selling problem - anyway - best of luck with this and look forward to a read should you ever post it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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steven8
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When a 35 year old confirmed bachelor finds a woman from another dimension on his couch claiming to be his wife, the rock-solid foundation of his solitude begins to crack.  Can he help her get back to where she belongs without losing himself in the process?
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eldave1
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Quoted from steven8
When a 35 year old confirmed bachelor finds a woman from another dimension on his couch claiming to be his wife, the rock-solid foundation of his solitude begins to crack.  Can he help her get back to where she belongs without losing himself in the process?


Just a thought:

A devout bachelor's self imposed solitude is disrupted when a mysterious woman shows up claiming to be his wife from another dimension.  His efforts to get her back where she belongs lead him to question the life he has led without her.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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steven8
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Quoted from eldave1


Just a thought:

A devout bachelor's self imposed solitude is disrupted when a mysterious woman shows up claiming to be his wife from another dimension.  His efforts to get her back where she belongs lead him to question the life he has led without her.


Oh, I like that VERY, much.  Especially this bit "...question the life he has led without her."  I just didn't know how to fit that idea into the logline, without adding even more words to my overly long attempt.  Perhaps a few tweaks, but it is much better than my own.

Thank you.
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LC
Posted: December 26th, 2015, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Steven, while I agree Dave's is more pithy both loglines are way too convoluted and meandering in my opinion. I am intrigued definitely, but I need more. I need to read your logline and instantly know what I'm getting via genre, at the very least.

It's likely SciFi or has elements of same, but is it comedy, romcom, drama? Is your main character going to travel to this other dimension?

'His solitude begins to crack' 'confirmed bachelor' 'devout bachelor'

All of these descriptions are too vague, too static, and wide open to interpretation too.

Think for a minute... A 'bachelor' can also be a womaniser, a gigolo, a ladies' man etc. add the solitude and your guy could be some boring middle aged man just lounging around on the couch watching TV, or a widower, a recluse, or an anxiety ridden social outcast? My problem is I have no idea what?

Look at Total Recall:

When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real - or does he?

I know immediately what I'm getting.

Likewise: What Women Want

After an accident, a chauvenistic executive gains the ability to hear what women are really thinking.

** By the way I can't believe the punctuation and spelling errors in imdb loglines - 'chauvenistic'! 'forces' plural?!

Back to you, Steven. The problem here is we haven't read your script, but then again movie goers won't have read it either. Which is all the more important that your logline needs to pop with its descriptors, it's verbs, it's précis. We need to know the idea you're pitching.

You're definitely on to something I'd probably watch/read but as is you're not giving me enough via storyline, or punch.

Examples, off the cuff:

A bachelor's life is turned upside down when a mysterious woman turns up on his doorstep, claiming not only to be his wife, but to be from a parallel universe/alternate reality.

A bachelor's life is turned upside down when a mysterious woman who not only claims to be his wife, but also from another time dimension, turns up on his doorstep seeking his help to get her back home.

A die-hard bachelor questions everything about his own existence when a mysterious woman claiming to be his wife from a parallel universe turns up on his door step.  

When a mysterious woman claiming to be his wife from another dimension turns up on his doorstep, a bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when he must find a way to get her back home.

What's your title btw?


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steven8
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All great stuff.  Fantastic suggestions.  I will be cutting, chopping, tearing down and rebuilding this logline over the next few days.  

I am especially excited that you are intrigued by the concept.

The title is "...And There She Was."
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LC
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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And, what's the genre?


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eldave1
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my pleasure - good luck with with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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ajr
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"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."




Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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steven8
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Quoted from LC
And, what's the genre?


romdramedy.  With a sprinkle of science fiction.


Quoted from eldave1
my pleasure - good luck with with it


I haven't completed a single script page yet.  I've started several times, then conferred with Dreamscale via private message, followed his advice to try and think the story whole through end to end, but I keep puttering out when it comes to actual execution.  I know what happens basically from end to end, but when I see the lines on the screen, it falls flat.  Nothing 'pops'. I'm hoping to get the juices flowing with this back and forth.  If I can come up with a good, slick logline, it may help me get down to the actual work of penning the pages.


Quoted from ajr
"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."


I do like that.  I'd thought of: A happy bachelor's life is turned upside down when a woman from another dimension appears on his sofa claiming to be his wife.
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LC
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Quoted from steven8

romdramedy.  With a sprinkle of science fiction.

I haven't completed a single script page yet.  I've started several times, then conferred with Dreamscale via private message, followed his advice to try and think the story whole through end to end, but I keep puttering out when it comes to actual execution.  I know what happens basically from end to end, but when I see the lines on the screen, it falls flat.  Nothing 'pops'. I'm hoping to get the juices flowing with this back and forth.  If I can come up with a good, slick logline, it may help me get down to the actual work of penning the pages.


You've pretty much got the logline and you say you've got story from start to finish. Now's the time to just write! Easy for me to say, I know...   But really, just get a page down, then another. Finesse later. We're all in the same boat. Good luck, Steven.


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Dustin
Posted: December 28th, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Exchanging private messages with Jeff is enough to put anyone off writing... living, come to think of it.

Kidding! At least, a little.
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BSaunders
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Quoted from ajr
"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."

That's awesome. Made me lol.

Here mines:

A highly sought after watch on display at a local museum is the target of four sets of criminals from different walks of life as they plan to steal the timepiece.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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eldave1
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Quoted from BSaunders

That's awesome. Made me lol.

Here mines:

A highly sought after watch on display at a local museum is the target of four sets of criminals from different walks of life as they plan to steal the timepiece.


Just my thoughts:

Rather than "highly sought after" tell us why. e.g., a priceless watch, a watch with magical powers, a watch containing a secret, etc.

Why "local museum". It sounds small town. I am guessing that it is a highly guarded and protected  museum (i.e., otherwise, it would be easy to steal).

I don't think we need to know that the criminals are from different walks of life.

I think you also need to tell us something about the potential consequences.

So just making something up since I don't know the details (i.e., you can fill in what is accurate or not): Maybe:

Four different gangs of criminals attempt to heist a priceless watch on display at the Smithonian museum only to discover that....


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SpokenWord
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I'll give it a shot.

(Drama) As conflict arises over ending the war threatening the existence of his people, General Koos De La Ray is confronted with demons from his past and the fear of an uncertain future.

----

I am writing this at present as a long form episodic television series. It is a period piece, circa turn of the 20th century South Africa and the end of the Second Anglo Boer War between the Boer and British Colonialists. I've completed a feature length script as well, with dialogue in Afrikaans/High Dutch, English, Zulu and Xhosa. Just need to make some edits and do some cutting and I will get it up here. I've gotta say, it's a bit disheartening to research and write something that you know Hollywood will never make, even if the script is amazing lol.

Yay period pieces. Yay subtitles lol.
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eldave1
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Quoted from SpokenWord
I'll give it a shot.

(Drama) As conflict arises over ending the war threatening the existence of his people, General Koos De La Ray is confronted with demons from his past and the fear of an uncertain future.

----

I am writing this at present as a long form episodic television series. It is a period piece, circa turn of the 20th century South Africa and the end of the Second Anglo Boer War between the Boer and British Colonialists. I've completed a feature length script as well, with dialogue in Afrikaans/High Dutch, English, Zulu and Xhosa. Just need to make some edits and do some cutting and I will get it up here. I've gotta say, it's a bit disheartening to research and write something that you know Hollywood will never make, even if the script is amazing lol.

Yay period pieces. Yay subtitles lol.


I would try to be a little more specific in the logline. You could reference more about the war and be specific about the "demons". I don't think you need to reference the "fears" of the future since it kind of goes without saying. Instead, use the space to tell us what his challenge is. I don't know the specifics so I can't give you an accurate logline - but I think form wise it could look something like this:

General Koos De La Ray battle to end British colonialism in South Africa is threatened by (specify the demons from the past). The only way out is to (specify what is challenge is).  



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BSaunders
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Another crack yo:

A boy becomes a man through a series of strange and world-changing mishaps that
help him discover who he is and what is truly important in life.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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LC
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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Brandon, I take it this is a new idea?

Reading that log I just find it incredibly vague, no idea what genre, no idea or inkling what 'strange and world changing mishaps' means etc. And, to me a 'mishap' is not generally world changing either.

So, tell me more for starters...


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eldave1
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I will echo Libby's comments here. You have to me more specific.

What kind of boy is he (rich, poor, autistic, spoiled, brilliant,, etc?. What are the mishaps and why would one believe that they are world changing? Most folks eventually discovers who they are and what is truly important in life. It sounds like filler that could be attached to hundreds of stories.



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BSaunders
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Man, I got no idea how to write those things, haha. #SlapsOwnFace


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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It is a difficult challenge


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SpokenWord
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Here's another...

(Comedy Variety Series Episode, 30 Min)

Jack and Jill meet for the first time after that fateful day on the hill... in a courtroom. Jack, the scar on his crown forever serving as a reminder of his tumble, must defend himself against Jill's accusations of malicious hill-pushing.
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BSaunders
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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I reckon thats gold.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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SpokenWord
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Derivative (action/comedy)

Bullets fly and hostages are taken at William Morris Agency, when a down and out screenwriter's threatening manifesto is mistaken as a spec script and returned to him marked "Derivative".
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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SpokenWord
Derivative (action/comedy)

Bullets fly and hostages are taken at William Morris Agency, when a down and out screenwriter's threatening manifesto is mistaken as a spec script and returned to him marked "Derivative".


First - I already like the premise.

I would say something about what the manifesto is about. Juat making up an example - something like -

, when a down and out screenwriter's manifesto on the lack of originality in scripts....


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SpokenWord
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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"When his threatening manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience."
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Dustin
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SpokenWord
"When his threatening manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience."


I feel that the 'threatening' part before manifesto disrupts the flow of the log, prevents it from rolling off the tongue. You would be better off describing the type of bureaucracy rather than the manifesto (bloated, for example). Or even, just dropping it altogether.

When his manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience.

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eldave1
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I feel that the 'threatening' part before manifesto disrupts the flow of the log, prevents it from rolling off the tongue. You would be better off describing the type of bureaucracy rather than the manifesto (bloated, for example). Or even, just dropping it altogether.

When his manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience.



This is good, IMO


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BSaunders
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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ALRIGHT!

Here we go,

Numero uno:

A brilliant, but different boy becomes a man through a series of close deaths and failures while touching the lives of many as he tries to find true happiness.

Numero dos:

A famous watch featured in an exhibit is the prime target of four sets of cunning thieves as they make their destructive paths towards the timepiece and each other.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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eldave1
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
A brilliant, but different boy becomes a man through a series of close deaths and failures while touching the lives of many as he tries to find true happiness.


I would tell us what different is and you really don't need the "but" unless it is contrary to brilliant.

e.g., if he is introverted = a brilliant, introverted boy...

Give us a hint of what the close deaths and failures are - otherwise - the logline does not distinguish this from hundreds of other coming of age movies

"touch the lives" - how? Does he save them form danger?

Be more specific on "true happiness" - everyone makes this journey - (no one seeks deep sadness) - So what is his happiness - mend relationship with father? Accept physical shortcomings? Finally decides to pursue his career as a wrestler?

Always hard to comment on these not knowing any of the specifics of the story




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SpokenWord
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Logline: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a mother must contend with the legal system, pharmaceutical industry and her own husband, in order to find the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

Tone: Lorenzo's Oil x Philadelphia x My Sister's Keeper x Erin Brokovich x Losing Isaiah

Looooong story short: A man and woman meet in college, fall in love and the woman becomes pregnant. She quits school and has the baby(a daughter), while the man finishes school and they are married. Mom becomes a stay at home mom, dad gets a job in xyz field.

When the daughter approaches the age of 7, she begins to have grand mal seizures of an unknown cause. Many medical tests, medical trials, drug side effects, and financial troubles ensue. This causes a great rift between the husband and the wife who, in a fit of total desperation, turns to medical marijuana. In Texas. When her husband finds out, he is furious at his wife for giving their child "drugs like heroin" and he leaves her, immediately filing a restraining order against the wife on behalf of his daughter.

A legal battle ensues, as a mother must fight against all odds to get her daughter the treatment she so desperately needs, as her next seizure could be her last.
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eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2016, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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In terms of the logline: I think it's pretty good other that I would replace

"a mother must contend with"  with "a mother must battle"

In terms of the story. There is much to like. You got a ticking time bomb, an innocent kid in peril and an ordinary person fighting power.

But, it did strike me as dated by about 20 years. Even Texas is issuing licenses for low dosages in 2016. Two States have legalized recreational use and medical usage is prevalent. I just think it's a tough sell (assuming the story is told in the present) medical marijuana just ain't the big deal it used to be. Also a tough sell that a father would let his daughter suffer/die over such a small issue. i.e., I love everything but the marijuana angle.

Best of luck.  



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khamanna
Posted: April 21st, 2016, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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You don't have anything about restraining order in your logline. I would include that, it gives the script some more detail and adds to the urgency.
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SpokenWord
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Quoted from eldave1
In terms of the logline: I think it's pretty good other that I would replace

"a mother must contend with"  with "a mother must battle"

In terms of the story. There is much to like. You got a ticking time bomb, an innocent kid in peril and an ordinary person fighting power.

But, it did strike me as dated by about 20 years. Even Texas is issuing licenses for low dosages in 2016. Two States have legalized recreational use and medical usage is prevalent. I just think it's a tough sell (assuming the story is told in the present) medical marijuana just ain't the big deal it used to be. Also a tough sell that a father would let his daughter suffer/die over such a small issue. i.e., I love everything but the marijuana angle.

Best of luck.  



Texas hasn't begun issuing them yet, and it's a bureaucratic nightmare. If the father doesn't consent, she won't get the treatment. He gains custody, because legal or not, the stigma is very real in Texas. Likewise, her condition has symptoms that will require the THC in addition to the CBD. Texas has only really begun to deal with the issue, but this is a period piece in the sense that it takes place 14 years ago, and then about 7 years ago is "present day" in the universe of the screenplay. Also, the fate of the girl isn't something that will be left hanging... spoiler alert... it doesn't end well for her... but the legal decision is a big question mark, and a call to action for those who are watching that this isn't just some work of fiction, but that the outcome of this case and thousands of others is directly decided by you, me, and every other American, through our elected(in some cases lol) politicians. It puts a face on the discussion, shows what happens to the family involved on all sides, shows how the medical industrial complex opposes it for their own gain... who will get justice for this little girl? You will.


Quoted from khamanna
You don't have anything about restraining order in your logline. I would include that, it gives the script some more detail and adds to the urgency.


Logline before: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a mother must contend with the legal system, pharmaceutical industry and her own husband, in order to find the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

Logline after: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a young mother must battle doctors, the criminal justice system and a lawsuit from her own husband, in order to provide the only treatment that works: Marijuana.
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SpokenWord
Posted: April 22nd, 2016, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Logline: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a young mother must battle doctors, the criminal justice system and a lawsuit from her own husband, to provide the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

When the daughter of college sweethearts approaches the age of 7, she begins to exhibit life threatening symptoms of a previously undiscovered neurological disorder. As medical tests, clinical trials and pharmaceutical side effects take their physical toll--a great rift forms between husband and wife who, in a fit of total desperation, turns to medical marijuana. Furious at his wife's lack of consultation, her husband leaves and files for custody of their daughter, while the mother faces criminal repercussions for her use of the illicit narcotic. Facing prison and on the brink of emotional and financial ruin, a mother must fight against all odds to provide her daughter the treatment she so desperately needs, as her next seizure could be her last.

Similar in tone to Philadelphia, Erin Brokovich, My Sister's Keeper
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EastCoast
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This is an idea  I've been toying with for a while.

Logline:  A demon hunter on a quest to avenge his wife murder must stop the queen of demon from destroying earth and mankind?

let me know what you guys think.
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ajr
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from EastCoast
Logline:  A demon hunter on a quest to avenge his wife murder must stop the queen of demon from destroying earth and mankind?


I wouldn't use the word demons twice. And Earth and mankind seems superfluous, you can use one or the other. Also are you implying that the queen of demons killed the demon hunter's wife? If so perhaps you can leave the part out about avenging the wife's murder. Gives away too much of the plot.

"A distraught demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damned from destroying Mankind (or Earth)."


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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pale yellow
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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This thread always creeps me out. I've been burnt a few times and seeing everyone post loglines like this just creeps me out. I dunno... but I'll tell you this... a title and an idea is NOT copyrightable! So be careful putting all these concepts out for the world to see...

One of the people who burned me once told me and I quote, "Amateurs borrow, but pros steal."

Just be warned people.


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eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr


I wouldn't use the word demons twice. And Earth and mankind seems superfluous, you can use one or the other. Also are you implying that the queen of demons killed the demon hunter's wife? If so perhaps you can leave the part out about avenging the wife's murder. Gives away too much of the plot.

"A distraught demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damned from destroying Mankind (or Earth)."


Actually, pretty good. Might add a little bit about the world they are in.


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eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pale yellow
This thread always creeps me out. I've been burnt a few times and seeing everyone post loglines like this just creeps me out. I dunno... but I'll tell you this... a title and an idea is NOT copyrightable! So be careful putting all these concepts out for the world to see...

One of the people who burned me once told me and I quote, "Amateurs borrow, but pros steal."

Just be warned people.


While this may be true - I'm not sure what options we really have. In almost every industry contact you're going to make you are going to have to reveal the logline in addition to much more.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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EastCoast
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Quoted from eldave1


Actually, pretty good. Might add a little bit about the world they are in.


I don't think distraught is the right word I was looking for. When I heard distraught I thought of a girl must choose between her high-school sweetheart and her hot coworker doctor.

How about this.? "A despondent demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damn from destroying mankind?"

As for the other users posting about people stealing ideas here. My logline/ideas are pretty generic, I'm not the first guy with the ideas of demon hunter battling supernatural powers.  So I'm not worried.
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