Showdown #2 Ray vs Khamanna.

The entries are marked A and B.  Vote for the entry you like best.

Quoted from RayW Just in case anyone's wondering WTH is going on still, the criteria was for two separate commercials for A) toaster strudel and B) an anti-smoking public service announcement. Both within a three page constraint. PG or PG-13 airable for broadcast TV.

A

FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

GALE, 30s, hands akimbo, sings at the top of her lungs Carmen’s “Habanera” (Bizet). No words, only heart-wrenching:

WOMAN
Lala lala, lala la lala la la la la lala la lala.

She switches to Ariel’s “Look at this stuff” (Disney). Again, no words, just the broken tune:

WOMAN
Lala la la lala lala la...

Gale is almost yodeling now.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
She is sure she’s as good as an opera singer.

STEVE, her husband, 30s, and MADDY, her little girl 7, on a couch, cup their ears.

NARRATOR
They...

STEVE
On a Sunday morning!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Well... They are not so sure about that.

Steve blocks his ears with couch pillows. Maddy tries to get the pillows away from him. A short fight ensues. Maddy looses.

Upset, she leans forward to get KandRay’s toaster strudel from a coffee table.

Gale’s singing grows hysterical.

Maddy stares at her toaster strudel. Steve traces her look and catches her drift.

Maddy runs to Gale with the strudel and shoves it into the Gale’s singing mouth.

The singing stops at once.  

Silence fills the room. Steve and Maddy hold their breaths and their fingers crossed. Maddy crosses her eyes as well.

Gale chews the strudel and raises her brows. She loves the strudel and her face tells it all.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Can’t beat the taste of KandRay’s Toaster Strudels.

KITCHEN

Many different kinds of KandRay’s toaster strudels on a kitchen island.  

Next to it is Gale, who savors the last of her strudel. She reaches for a different kind as soon as she’s done with the first one.

Maddy turns to Steve and gives him a thumbs up. He gives her a thumbs up in return.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

JOJO, 30s, a middle eastern man, gets two cigarettes out of a red cigarette pack and shoves them into his mouth.  Lights them up and puffs away.

BOBO, 30s, a middle eastern woman, walk up to him. In heavy middle eastern broke:

BOBO
What are you doing, huh? Want to kill us both?

She snatches the cigarettes out of his mouth.

He releases a sigh of frustration.

INSERT OVER BLACK SCREEN:
WOMEN! CAN’T LIVE WITH THEM...

Bobo reaches for a pack of ladies cigarettes.

BOBO
If you have to smoke, choose mild.

She shoves two out of her MILD pack into her mouth and starts puffing.

Jojo frowns. He gets another two out of the red pack.

JOJO
I do what I want to do!

He starts puffing his cigarettes.

It’s Bobo’s turn to sigh now.

INSERT OVER BLACK SCREEN:
MEN! CAN’T LIVE WITH THEM...

Then, they both start coughing.
The cigarettes fall out of their mouths. Their faces cringe. They cough and cough.
Their faces are red now as the coughing doesn’t stop.

INSERT OVER BLACK SCREEN:
HEALTHY LUNGS...
CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THEM...

FADE OUT.

B

FADE IN:

INT. BREAKFAST PRODUCTS SHOPPING AISLE - DAY

Automaton-like mother pushes cart with 9 year old generic
boy at side. The child drags along without interest.

She mindlessly pulls "Box Tarts" from shelf. Drops them in
empty, basket. Continues.

Child shows flat affect.

A tasteful, colorful mom walks behind her 12 year old cool
daughter pushing the cart for her. They appear very
comfortable.

Colorful mom pulls a box of Pillsbury Toaster Strudels from
shelf.

Cool kid approves with jovial smile. Cart never slows down.

INT. AUTOMATON MOM KITCHEN - PRE-DAWN

Automaton mom retrieves "Box Tart" from product bag.

Drops the hard cardboard product into a paper towel in front
of the disinterested generic boy. Hair disheveled.

Toaster on counter behind them. Neglected.

Automaton mom closes the outside door behind her exit.

Generic boy sits there. Blinks in stupor. He offers the "Box
Tart" to the dog. Dog walks away.

Generic boy leaves. Closes door behind him.

INT. COLORFUL MOM KITCHEN - DAWN

Dressed and washed cool daughter joins family at the kitchen
table.

Colorful mom turns about from toaster with a large plate
full of Pillsbury Toaster Strudels.

Charisma dad takes frosting pouches from microwave. Pours
over Toaster Strudels.

ALL
Oooo! Ahhh!

Quick shots of them eating and conversing.

Cool daughter hefts backpack then takes the last Toaster
Strudel from plate.

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - DAY

Parents wave goodbye from front door. Cool daughter waves
back. Turns and continues with smile.

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Cool daughter meets up with generic boy. Hands him the last
Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.

Both smile and pick up their pace as generic boy bites into
product.

ENDING PRODUCT PICTURE

Display Pillsbury Toaster Strudel box cover.

Super: Strudel love is good for you!

PLEASANT FEMALE  (V.O.)
Strudel love is good for you!

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Clown car drives down the road with clown family inside.

INT. CAR - DAY

Classical music plays.

Driving Clown dad’s smoking. Clown mom’s smoking.

Clown high school son in back is smoking.

Clown elementary school daughter is smoking.

Clown one year old in car carrier is smoking.

They all drive down the road puffing away.

Mom cracks window to dump ashes and blow her smoke out the
window. She smiles at clown dad. He beep his flower horn.
Laughs.

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

They all pour out of the car. Smoke billows.

INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

Clown dad sits on table, shirt unbuttoned, t-shirt, boxers.

Mom, son, daughter and baby in carrier stand in line beside
him.

Clown doctor walks in, Clown dad smiles. Clown family
smiles, too.

Clown doctor pops up X-Ray on light-box.

Three-inch perfectly round black circle over dad’s right
lung. Clown dad stops smiling.

Clown doctor brings out giant clown scissors. Family looks
frightened.

Clown doctor snips-snips-snips at black circle on X-ray.

Clown dad and mom smile at each other. Kids smile. Baby
laughs.

Clown doctor turns, pulls long string of circles back across
the family.

A big black circle across each family member’s lung. Even
the baby.

All frown. baby cries.

BLACK SCREEN

Super: It’s not funny. Quit it.

MASCULINE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Smoking. It’s not funny. Quit it.

Just in case anyone's wondering WTH is going on still, the criteria was for two separate commercials for A) toaster strudel and B) an anti-smoking public service announcement.

Both within a three page constraint.

PG or PG-13 airable for broadcast TV.

I hate to vote knowing who the authors are. It's really evident, but nevertheless, I'm voting for A because it's quite funny and has a very good workup to a solid punchline at the end.

Both were very good, but I had to vote for A because of the punch.  

Sandra

I like A's strudel commercial and B's anti-smoking. Really.

I think B's anti-smoking is particularly effective, so I am leaning towards B. Will read again later. But A's strudel was something I can picture working too.

Quoted from leitskev I like A's strudel commercial and B's anti-smoking. Really.

Agreed.  I'm giving the edge and the vote to B because I thought the usage of clowns and the tagline were great.  

But still props to A's strudel commercial.  

Commercials - appeared in a few, even help storyboard and brain storm ideas for a few - never written any. They're evil!

A, seemed to go down the humourous, albiet cheesy route.

B, went down the more traditional informative route.

Both had elements that were hit and miss.

A - Toaster Strudel
B - Anti  Smoking

Hopefully, the next showdown will be an actual story with a logline instead of two commercial skits.  But, I gave my vote to B this time.  

Quoted from Ryan1 Hopefully, the next showdown will be an actual story with a logline instead of two commercial skits.  But, I gave my vote to B this time.

Yes, the next will be written from a logline and not in two hours.

B it is. anti smoking tagline is similar to my fav psa of all time" this is your brain. this is your brain on drugs."

gary

Agree with everyone...

A's toaster strudel is the better of the first 2...

But B's anti smoking is the much better of the 2nd 2...

And B has to be the winner based on that...

BUT...

Neither is well written in terms of a script...sorry...

Yeah, I reread them, and B and the clowns win. Clowns are a very powerful visual tool. The idea of a clown world, with a clown family and doctor, really leaves a lasting impression. Related to smoking, you even have the whole idea that with clowns, you really never know what's going on underneath the makeup. Kind of like disease.

If I were buying these scripts to use for a commercial, I would buy the clown script, but might consider doing the doctor's office scene a little differently. But the whole clown concept is ripe with potential material for anti smoking. Great idea!

So:  BBBBBBBB   is my choice.

I'm with Sandra, I know who wrote what.  Therefore, I will not vote, but I liked them both.

Ghostie

It doesn't matter if you know who wrote what script.  It's pretty obvious, but why does that influence your decision to not vote?