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- Logline: In 1840s New Orleans, debutantes search for the Fountain of Youth in a graveyard.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
Vote A or B
NOTE: I got a third one but for some variation I decided to post it in this thread after the showdown.
Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mcornetto - April 5th, 2011, 10:38pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 6:43pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN:
EXT. PORT OF NEW ORLEANS - DAY
Three young ladies, dressed in the fine attire of St Louis aristocrats, and an African slave stand on the deck of a steamboat as it docks in the French Quarter.
ELLY, 23, is a tall, curvaceous blond, a confident beauty with a predatory look.
ELLY Do you really think you will find your betrothed here, Julia?
GRACE, 22, is a freckled brunette, a girl whose stunning beauty weakens men at the knees, and who knows it.
GRACE And are you sure he wants to be found?
JULIA, 22, is a petite girl, wholesome attractive. Her eyes suggest both vulnerability and determination.
JULIA He would come for me, were it not for my father.
ELLY Perhaps your father is right, and you should find a man more suitable to your station?
JULIA We have waited four years, such is our love. Now that the war with Mexico is over we are to be married.
WILLY, 30, is her loyal and trusted slave, a man of modest size and intelligent eyes, his affection for her apparent.
JULIA Willy, go ashore right now and search for Hiram, please. Begin with the taverns. He may or may not still be in uniform.
WILLY Mam...
JULIA I will be fine. You go ahead.
INT. HOTEL DU ORLEANS - DAY
Elly and Grace are seated in the lobby of the luxurious Hotel New Orleans.
ELLY Fool of a woman. If her soldier had wanted her he would have come to Julia by now. He is no doubt sampling the many ladies of this town.
GRACE I should like to sample some myself, dear Eli.
ELLY (laughing) Have you tired of destroying men, Grace?
CHAREST DE SILVESTRE, 25, approaches, a woman of refined beauty in a long elegant dress. Her accent is French.
DE SILVESTRE Mesdames, I am pleased to see you again.
ELLY The pleasure is ours, madam.
Grace eyes Silvestre seductively.
GRACE I should welcome to see even more of you, Madam de Silvestre.
Silvestre returns the flirt with a subtle smile.
DE SILVESTRE You have accepted our terms then, oui? Brought us a girl of suitable blood?
ELLY As we speak she is about town looking for the man she is promised to.
DE SILVESTRE Her death is a small price.
ELLY Eternal life for one death? It is a bargain, Madam.
DE SILVESTRE When I was your age the bannière of Louís flew over this cití. Almost a century ago. You shall live to see many things!
Grace eyes Silvestre intensely.
GRACE There are many things I wish to see!
INT. BLACKSMITH TAVERN - NIGHT
HIRAM, 25, a serious man with sensitive eyes, half inebriated, sits at the bar in a frayed sergeant's uniform. He pours into a glass from his own whiskey bottle. He is not happy.
JACKSON, 40, the bar tender, a heavy man with a deep southern accent, is an army vet and still shows that bearing.
JACKSON Sergeant, either stop talking 'bout this St. Louis girl and go to her or get yourself another. For damn sure there's plenty 'round here!
HIRAM I can't marry her against the old man's wish. And the Colonel will never accept one of my rank into his family.
JACKSON Then let me set you up with one of the girls. At least for a night, boy!
HIRAM I would only see the face of Julia anyway.
Hiram pours the last of the bottle. He is a troubled young man hardened by war and skeptical of his future.
HIRAM Just set me up with another bottle.
EXT. LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - NIGHT
ROBERT, 30, a hulking man of solemn bearing, leads the three ladies down an avenue of crypts. The full moon casts long shadows of crosses and angels which top the tombs.
Elly and Grace are dressed to kill, Julia's attire modest.
JULIA Why here? Why couldn't your man meet us elsewhere.
ELLY My dear Julia, you are so naive. These are men who sell information. You want to find your Hiram don't you?
They reach a large crypt guarded by two giant sword armed men, and FRANCOIS, 37, an effeminate aristocrat armed with pistol.
De Silvestre is there, the area of the crypt lit by candles.
DE SILVESTRE Welcome, children. The hour is late, we shall waste no time.
JULIA We are here about...
DE SILVESTRE Be silent!
Silvestre brushes hair from Julia's eyes with her hand, leans in close, takes erotic pleasure in her scent. Julia cowers.
DE SILVESTRE You are here so that your flesh may satisfy our needs. Take her in!
She struggles as Robert seizes her, forces her into the crypt.
INT. BLACKSMITH TAVERN - NIGHT
Hiram pours from his bottle, looks up, and is amazed to see Willy enter. He stops pouring instantly.
INT. CRYPT
The ladies enter the candle lit crypt. Julia is gagged and tied securely to the top of a stone sarcophagus.
DE SILVESTRE Robért, remove her clothing.
Grace is aroused.
GRACE Please, Madam, allow me that pleasure.
Grace approaches Julia with a small knife, starts untying her boot. Her face is filled with lust.
LATER
Julia is naked, secured, in tears. She struggles to speak. Francois, Elly, Grace and Silvestre are within.
DE SILVESTRE Francois, prepare the sarcophagus.
Francois opens two small doors on the middle of the sarcophagus, one on each side of Julia.
Silvestre approaches the girls, puts an arm around Grace's waste, speaks seductively into her ear.
DE SILVESTRE Ladies, you will soon be a membre of the Ordre du León.
Suddenly there is a GROWL, movement from within the sarcophagus. Julia's terror turns to panic.
DE SILVESTRE Life. His hunger for it clings to him like stubborn flesh on a corpse. His power is our Fontaine. This night you will share in that power, and forever more.
Huge skeletal hands, remnants of flesh clinging to them, emerge from the holes, claw at her thighs. Blood trickles as the hands dig into skin.
Julia screams under her gag.
ELLY Love is for dreamers and fools, Julia!
At a signal from Silvestre, a large door is slid open at the head of the sarcophagus, under Julia's head.
She holds her head forward, gazes in horror at the hands clawing her flesh.
A gigantic, gruesome head, decaying and skeletal, lifts behind her neck. Its exposed teeth in a hungry grin, a black tongue extends and tastes her neck.
DE SILVESTRE I hope you have a strong stomach, mesdames. Brain is an acquired taste, but you will get used to it.
A COMMOTION is heard. STEEL on STEEL. A GUNSHOT.
SOLDIERS enter, men in well worn uniforms, swords drawn.
Hiram rushes to Julia. The skeletal teeth are almost on her neck. He inserts his sword in between, pushes the head down.
The tongue emerges, he severs it.
Other soldiers hack at the skeletal hands, which withdraw.
Julia's bonds are hacked free.
Hiram lifts Julia from the sarcophagus, removes her gag.
JULIA Hiram, my love, I came for you!
LIEUTENANT HANCOCK, 24, a lean man, looks at Hiram confused.
LIEUTENANT HANCOCK Hiram?
HIRAM It is my birth name. Ulysses didn't stick til West Point.
A full moon shines down on this city of the dead. Two figures walk among the vault tombs and ledger stones.
RUBY, 18, a comely brunette, raises the hem of her chiffon skirt ever so slightly as she treads near the graves.
CLEMENTINE, 18, squat and homely, waddles just behind her. She holds two fistfuls of her satin gown, pulling the hem up nearly to her knees.
CLEMENTINE My stars, Ruby, do you think we’re in the right place?
Ruby stops when she sees a large tomb built in the shape of a pyramid.
RUBY Mr. Deveaux said to meet him at the pyramid tomb at midnight.
DEVEAUX (O.S.) And so you have, mon chéri.
DEVEAUX, 40s, steps out of the shadows. A southern dandy dressed to the nines, he walks to the girls and bows.
DEVEAUX I do apologize for the frightful setting. But then, this is a place of souls and secrets.
Clementine quickly advances, takes his arm, bats her eyes at him.
CLEMENTINE I feel safe under your gallant protection.
Deveaux smiles, but he’s clearly repulsed by her.
DEVEAUX Before we commence with our business, I must unfortunately request that we first settle our financial arrangements.
RUBY Of course. Five hundred dollars each.
Ruby reaches into her skirt pocket, pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to Deveaux. Clementine does the same.
Deveaux counts the money, smiles, stuffs the bills into the inner pocket of his frock coat.
DEVEAUX A wise purchase, my dear maidens. Eternal youth shall soon be yours. Let us walk.
He holds out his arm for Ruby, who gracefully accepts it. Clementine quickly snags his other arm.
Together, they walk along the rows of stone monuments. Deveaux looks to Ruby.
DEVEAUX Mon chéri, seeing you in this moonlight, I believe the angels above are positively green with envy at your loveliness.
RUBY Oh, Mr. Deveaux, you’ll make me blush.
Clementine smiles, waits for her compliment. None forthcoming.
CLEMENTINE And what of my beauty, Mr. Deveaux?
DEVEAUX Uh, my dove, what you lack in pulchritude, you more than make up for in adiposity.
Clementine swoons, lays her head on his shoulder.
CLEMENTINE Such a way with words. You know, our debutante ball is tomorrow night. I’m still in need of a squire.
DEVEAUX Ah, yes. (beat) Godspeed in your endeavors.
LATER
They walk through a grove of magnolia trees. Nearby, a long-forgotten parapet tomb stands covered in Spanish moss.
Finally, they arrive at a small pool of bubbling water.
DEVEAUX And here it is. The Fountain of Youth. One drink from these magical waters, and all aging will instantly cease.
He gazes at Ruby.
DEVEAUX Unending springtime.
Ruby and Clementine look at each other, giggle nervously.
Deveaux reaches into his jacket, pulls out a small silver cup.
DEVEAUX Which of you shall be the first to partake?
CLEMENTINE I will!
She takes the cup from Deveaux, dips it into the water.
She hesitates for a moment, then drinks it down.
RUBY My turn.
Ruby takes the cup from Clementine, dips into the water, swallows it in genteel sips.
DEVEAUX There now.
He takes the cup from Ruby, puts it back in his pocket.
RUBY I don’t feel any different.
DEVEAUX Oh, give it a moment.
Clementine furrows her brow.
CLEMENTINE I feel most...odd.
Ruby feels her waist. It seems to have thickened in the last few moments. Strands of gray appear in her lush raven locks.
Deveaux takes a step back, watches impassively.
Clementine winces and grabs the small of her back.
CLEMENTINE Oh, my back! It feels like it’s breaking!
Ruby pulls up the hem of her skirt, gasps at her newly formed cankles.
RUBY What’s happening to us?!
DEVEAUX Oh, mon chéri, I fear middle age does not flatter you.
Ruby groans in pain as she hunches over. Her skin thins and wrinkles. Her hair, now mostly gray, begins to fall out.
Clementine falls to one knee, a prominent hump emerging between her shoulders. She looks up to Deveaux, spits out rotten teeth.
CLEMENTINE What have you done to--
Clementine’s words become a hoarse, agonized croak.
DEVEAUX My word, I believe I know what is happening here. And, I must confess, it is all my fault. You see, geography has never been my strongest suit.
Ruby, now an ancient crone, crawls toward him.
DEVEAUX You were searching for the Fountain of Youth, which history tells us is located in the tropical climes of Florida. Yet here we are in...Louisiana.
Clementine collapses, struggles to breathe through disintegrating lungs.
DEVEAUX A navigational error on my part. Yes, I now postulate that this little puddle is the somewhat less renowned Spring of Decay.
Ruby rolls onto her back, locks her sunken eyes on Deveaux.
DEVEAUX This is a graveyard after all, you insipid wenches.
He shakes his head, grabs Ruby by the ankle, then does the same with Clementine.
He drags their withered bodies toward the nearby parapet tomb.
DEVEAUX Please don’t feel too bad, ladies. You’re not the first females whose vanity has gotten the better of them.
He arrives at the thick, rusted iron door of the tomb. He presses his shoulder into the door and slowly opens it.
DEVEAUX And you shan’t be the last.
INT. TOMB - NIGHT
Deveaux drags the bodies inside. Moonlight reveals at least twenty other skeletons, still garbed in beautiful dresses.
The lower half of Ruby’s decayed leg pops off in Deveaux’s hand. He drops it like garbage, then leaves the tomb and closes the door.
Both scripts are fairly well done, all things considered. I do know in all certainty who wrote what, based on the actual writing. I'm going to do my damndest to not let that influence my decision.
A
Although the writing in A is definitely not bad, it is very awkward in many ways..not awkward, as in poorly worded, etc, but awkward in its delivery, in its character intro's, in its over abundant description, and in its constant use of asides (which probably aren't intended to be asides...but they are just the same, as there are so many unfilmables).
I really like the story here. So much going on, so much unsaid...but then again, too much being said and WAY too many characters and detail for a short short. I also really don't like the ending at all, and it seems like there wasn't anymore room, so it ended on a joke that came out of nowhere and meant nothing. With alot of chopping of completely unnecessary lines of description, asides, and even characters, I think it could have ended much more powerfully, which is a shame, as it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
B
The writing here is better, and much easier to take in. Where in A, I feel I'd need to read it several times to truly get a handle on it, there isn't a single line that needs rereading here, and that's a HUGE advantage every time.
The story may be rather simple, and almost bordering on black comedy/horror, but it's also well conceived and handled overall. Actually, it's much simpler and maybe lacks the passion that A has, but again, it succeeds in what it set out to accomplish completely and that again, is a huge plus.
A needs work to achieve what it can be and should be...maybe even alot of work.
B is what it is and it works well just the way it is.
I'm going to do something I rarely do, and that's choose the script that needs the work, and I'm dong that because the story within is just better, IMO, and considering that it was written so quickly on a subject that is very non standard...and involves research, which is a time constraint in and of itself.
Both are pretty good. Not an easy choice. A is one of those rare shorts that has a lot going on and a bombardment of characters yet it works. B works just fine. Maybe a little routine IMO but still good.
I give the edge to A because the final line cracked me up. There's still waaaay too many characters, a 2-to-1 page ratio in fact, but I did like what I read.
I'd love to show my support for you guys, but I'm coming down with the flu. Any chance you can hold the thread open a little bit longer? It's an insane hour here right now and I'm just hanging out with my Merlin cat in my office, but I don't feel like doing any serious critique right now.
If you need to close it though, I'll come back and read later without reading comments first and give my opinion then.
Both of these are well done considering the obscure logline and time constraint.
A - Complex colorful tale mired by unfilmables and choked by too many characters. Ruses and clear motivations help get through the chunky parts. Bonus point for the salacious lesbo tease. Bad form with the punchline end. I'm still unsure how Hiram knew where to find his beloved. Lot going on overall.
B - Simple story efficiently executed, the ladies feel a tad cookie cutter. Pretty obvious from the opener where this one is going. Disappointed it was about money, Deveaux should be old and "need" the girls. That way it's still a fountain of youth for someone, via a form of transfer. A twist like that would have put this one over the top.
I think A would make the better film, but B is the better written script. This is not the SimplyFilms site, so I voted accordingly. I voted B, so we're back to a dead heat. It was a tough call.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
This one is a VERY close call. And at the end of the day, I'm shallow and voted for the one with lesbianism in it.
All right. I'm just kidding. I did vote for A, but not because of the lesbianism, though.
I think Jeff (Dreamscale) nailed my thoughts exactly on both scripts. Except the over-abundant descriptions in A. I only saw one unfilmable (about him being hardened by the war), but it did get an image in my head of the character's mood, so I'm not going to take any points off for that.
In fact, I think the dialogue in both scripts were about equal and the real reason I chose A was because of the descriptions. To me, A just read better for some reason. I also think I'm leaning towards it because it seemed A just had a lot more going on, a little more complex.
But like I said, it was really close. Both scripts were about equally good to me. It was razor-thin close. But A levels off just a tad tad bit higher for me because of the complexity.
Vote for A or B
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