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Showdown #8 James vs Darren - CONGRATULATING (currently 4436 views)
mcornetto
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 5:10pm
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James vs Darren...
- Logline: A widow goes on a pilgrimage to Mexico to find her reincarnated husband.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
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Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - April 24th, 2011, 6:10pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 5:11pm
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A
FADE IN: EXT. VALLARTA BOTANICAL GARDENS - DAY SUPER: PUERTO VALLARTA, 2023
Orchid trees and wild palms flank JULIE (mid 40s) as she walks along a hiking trail. She approaches LAURA (mid 20s) who bird watches.
Julie gives Laura a good look over, gets closer. Laura lowers her binoculars.
Julie hands her a credit card. Laura takes a slim case out of her shirt pocket. The gizmo scans the card, gives a digital readout on the back of the case.
LAURA Come, follow me.
EXT. RIO HORCONES - DAY TONY (20) swims to and fro in the river; the two women hike up to the banks. Observe him.
LAURA Have a nice trip out to Puerto Vallarta, Mrs. Hawks?
JULIE Yes I did, thank you. Tony emerges from the water some distance away. Beefcake tanned and toned.
JULIE Twelve years since my husband passed. How can it be him?
LAURA One of our treatments. Accelerated growth. Eleven years old, twentysomething body. It’s normal these days with treatments for the disorder.
Tony puts on a loose tank top, approaches. His eyes transfix on Julie. He pauses.
LAURA It’s alright Tony.
Reluctant, Tony steps up, and with caution, extends out his right hand. Julie takes it. Tony gets more awkward.
TONY Tony Logan.
JULIE Julie Hawks.
Tony’s gaze goes to her hand in his. Pulls away.
TONY I wasn’t expecting this. (to Laura) I wasn’t expecting-
JULIE (amazed) The voice. Sounds just like Todd.
Tony backs up.
TONY Todd Hawks. Todd Kevin Hawks.
JULIE You remember.
TONY No. I don’t. It’s just a name.
JULIE You remember me.
TONY Lady, I haven’t met you, I mean, I dreamed of you, but I’m not that guy. I can’t be. Stay away.
LAURA I’m sorry about this Julie. My company thought he was ready.
TONY I came to you guys, help me solve my disorder, you do this?
LAURA It’s not a disorder. It’s normal.
TONY You get her away from me.
Tony runs off.
LAURA Again, I apologize. If you want a refund-
JULIE No. I saw and heard my husband again, you helped find him for me. I can’t thank Amygdala enough.
LAURA That’s what we do, Mrs. Hawks. We just want to help.
Considers a plan.
LAURA Tell you what. If you stick around for a few days, maybe Tony will come in for another treatment at the clinic. I can pull some strings, have you observe the procedure.
JULIE Anything to get him back.
INT. AMYGDALA INDUSTRIES - DAY Tony, sedated, bound to a leather reclining chair. Laura, now in a smock, stands next to him.
At her side, an assortment of vials filled with liquid that looks like grape juice, and a high tech gadget that looks like a USB drive with a needle sticking out of it.
Julie looks on from an open window observation room.
JULIE Nobody else, just you?
LAURA Not exactly. We’ll be joined by a few company reps online, one of my supers.
JULIE I mean, nobody but you in the room, the entire facility.
LAURA Yes. Just me and my machines.
She takes a grape juice vial and pours the contents into Tony’s mouth.
Laura readies the USB needle-thing. Julie cringes. Laura injects the needle into Tony’s right shoulder. Presses a button on the device. It flashes a white pulse.
JULIE What does that do?
LAURA Helps memory recall, especially from past lives. We call it jackrabbiting.
JULIE Reincarnation doesn’t work that way.
LAURA How does it work? We just help people along, nothing else. New age of hypnosis.
JULIE You can do that?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Tony zips up suitcases while Julie checks around the room.
TONY Got everything, dear?
JULIE Just one last check. How are you feeling?
On a table, a electronic virtual business card which reads “Amygdala - Because We Can, Because We Care”.
Julie swipes it, puts inside a Gideon’s bible, and the bible inside a table drawer.
The sun rises on this over-priced paradise. Infinity edge pool, jacuzzi, and a tiki bar with plenty of seating.
MOLLY RICKETS, 46, enters carrying a mimosa. She wears a bikini, heels, and Versace sunglasses.
She sits on a shaded chaise lounge next to the pool. She grabs the remote from an end table and flicks on a large plasma T.V. sheltered by an over hang.
She rifles through a few channels before settling on a selection.
ON T.V.
A FEMALE REPORTER, 33, carries a microphone as she follows JESSICA TALLMADGE, 22.
FEMALE REPORTER I’m here with Jessica Tallmadge, an animal handler at Chapultepec zoo outside of Mexico city. Jessica, tell us about some of the exhibits here at Chapultepec?
The reporter follows Jessica to a T-stand where a colorful parrot, HECTOR, perches.
JESSICA Well, this is Hector. He’s a two year old Senegal Parrot. He’s become quite the celebrity here and loves to talk.
FEMALE REPORTER Wow, what a beautiful bird. Will he talk for us?
JESSICA We can try.
Jessica approaches Hector and holds out a treat.
JESSICA Hector, can you say something nice for the nice people in T.V. Land?
HECTOR Squawk. How’s my life insurance money treating you, bitch. Squawk.
The reporter turns to the camera. Embarrassed.
FEMALE REPORTER Well, he’s got quite a mouth on him doesn’t he?
JESSICA I’m so sorry. He’s never said anything like that before.
BACK TO SCENE
Molly takes a sip of her morning cocktail.
HECTOR (ON T.V.) Squawk. Molly turned the gas on. Molly turned the gas on. Squawk.
Molly spits out her drink. She pauses the television. She stares at the frozen image of the bird.
MOLLY M... Michael? That’s impossible!
Molly walks over to the tiki bar and grabs her cell phone. She dials.
PIERRE (V.O.) Allo, mon cherie.
MOLLY Get the car ready. We’re going to Mexico.
PIERRE (V.O.) Ah, to make love under zee palm tree?
MOLLY No...
Molly whips off her sunglasses in over dramatic fashion. She stares into the camera. Extreme CU of Molly.
MOLLY We’ve got a parrot to kill.
INT. CHAPULTEPEC ZOO GUARD SHACK - DAY
Small quarters. A single chair in front of a desk with a T.V. monitor on it. Hector stands on the desk in front of a Tecate beer can with a tall straw protruding from it.
Hector one eye’s the straw. He clamps his beak on it. Draws some liquid.
STEVE, 33, in a security outfit, enters carrying a pizza box.
STEVE Hurry, we’re gonna miss it little buddy.
Steve set’s down the pizza box and turns on the T.V.
ON T.V.
DIANE and BOB, two news anchors, sit behind an angled desk. Diane shuffles papers.
DIANE In other news, an apparent robbery attempt was thwarted today at Chapultepec zoo. But, not by security. Instead, by one of the main attractions.
INSERT: PHOTO OF HECTOR IN BG
DIANE Hector, the colorful parrot at Chapultepec, apparently not only knows how to speak, but, also how to dial a telephone. Listen to this call to Mexico city police...
OPERATOR (V.O.) Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
HECTOR (V.O.) Squawk. Robbery at the zoo. Robbery at the zoo. Squawk.
BOB That call prompted authorities to contact zoo security who found two people trying to break into the exotic bird sanctuary.
A VIDEO plays of Molly and PIERRE, 36, being escorted while cuffed to a police cruiser.
Pierre wears a pink beret. They appear to be bickering at one another.
DIANE (V.O.) Molly Rickets and her accomplice, Pierre LaTweed, were arrested and charged with trespassing and attempted burglary. But, that may be the least of their worries.
BOB (V.O.) Do tell, Diane.
DIANE (V.O.) Great lead in, Bob.
Molly is stuffed into the back of the police cruiser. She appears to be crying.
DIANE (V.O.) They’re both considered “persons of interest” by Malibu, California police stemming from a mysterious house explosion that killed Molly’s late husband, Michael, two years ago.
BOB (V.O.) Also, they’ve been mandated by court not to leave the U.S.
BACK TO STUDIO
Diane turns to Bob.
DIANE Looks like their in a bit of trouble, Bob.
BOB Wow, excellent observation, Diane.
BACK TO SCENE
Steve turns off the T.V.
STEVE Great work little buddy. They seem like a couple of real scumbags.
Hector’s head bounces up and down in excitement.
HECTOR Squawk. See you next Tuesday. Squawk.
STEVE You can say that again.
Hector one eye’s his straw again and takes another sip.
STEVE How’s that beer taste?
HECTOR Squawk. Like sweet victory, Steve. Squawk. Like sweet victory.
Steve takes out a slice of pizza and rips off a small chunk. He brings it to hectors mouth. Hector gobbles it down.
STEVE To the victor go the spoils.
Steve kicks his legs up on the desk and leans back. Hector takes another sip of beer.
Uhhh, sorry guys, but I don't like either...at all.
Both are very hard to follow due to poor writing throughout. For some odd reason, both have a huge amount of "action" taking place on a TV, which is just weird.
Mistakes a plenty in both. A has many lines not separated by a blank line, like even dialogue lines butted against action lines.
I guess B at least has a playful spirit, and although it's far from clear, I guess we have to assume that Hector, the talking parrot, is indeed the dead hubby, reincarnated, but...I don't know.
It was a tough challenge this go 'round, so I can understand the difficulty coming up with a decent or good effort. But...neither of these work at all for me for many, many reasons.
I'll go with B, but there's no glowing endorsements...
I must be tired, but that parrot caught me off guard and made me laugh out loud. Never would have thought to do that with this log.
I'm gonna read them both again tomorrow to be fair, since I'm tired. My first impression of A, I had a problem with the accelerated growth aspect. I'll try again tomorrow.
Jeff. You can't judge these based on format. Left aligned is the only format instruction. That's kind of why I like it, format does not enter into the equation.
I did mention that A's format was fucked up, but my vote is with B over A in all things considered...writing, story, structure, dialogue, believability, etc., etc, etc.
Vote for A or B
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Showdown #8 James vs Darren - CONGRATULATING
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