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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Singles Camp Moderators: bert
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  Author    Singles Camp  (currently 10886 views)
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Heretic,

Well, in your first post, you’re absolutely right about Anna Lee’s inciting incident with Heath at the end of act II. 100%. No question about it. It’s a terribly weak point in the story. And one that’s always kind of bugged me. And you were right about pretty much everything else too, the more I think about it.

I’ve been milling some offshoots of conventional storytelling in my head that I think I can use in the rewrite.

As far as your second post, eeehh, I don’t really like the Heath/Bathroom fetish idea all that much -- a little too extreme. I don’t think Anna Lee would go for that.

I’m working on a new script right now. And it’s proving to require much more research than anything I’ve written prior so it’s taking me quite a bit of time just to get to a flow-point with it. When it’s reached a put-down point of completion, I plan on making the rewrite for this top priority.

I’m going to use all the suggestions here on this thread in conjunction with some fresh new ideas I have and hopefully produce the best darn comedy ever written…okay - a good solid comedy.

Thanks Heretic for the suggestions.



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Heretic
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
As far as your second post, eeehh, I don’t really like the Heath/Bathroom fetish idea all that much -- a little too extreme. I don’t think Anna Lee would go for that.


No, I agree.  It's a little extreme.  It's a lot extreme.  I don't mean, it ever actually happening...I just mean, it's a funny conflict, if Anna Lee always has terrible luck in bathrooms...because it would never work out like either of them wanted it to.  I suppose I meant it as an example of making an ordinary rom-com situation a little more irreverent.



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dmackbone21
Posted: July 19th, 2006, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Brea,
I'm sorry, but this comedy just didn't do it for me. Out of the first 20 pages, there are 2 seperate bathroom scenes. Think of a movie that has 1, and I think there's a reason for that. The dialogue and plot just didn't hook me, I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just expressing my opinions.

Doug
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 19th, 2006, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dmackbone21
I'm sorry, but this comedy just didn't do it for me…The dialogue and plot just didn't hook me, I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just expressing my opinions.


Hey Doug, It’s okay. No need to apologize. You like what you like and don’t what you don’t. One negative review out of so many positive ones is not so bad. Every movie has detractors.


Quoted from dmackbone21
…bathroom scenes…Think of a movie that has 1, and I think there's a reason for that.


Something About Mary is one movie with a prominent bathroom scene. There are quite a few actually. I don’t think those scenes were actually necessary except for two reasons: to be funny and to show characteristics of the characters. Those are the same reasons I use so I’m not sure why I would be singled out for this but you have your rights.

The bathroom scenes are a recurring theme in the story because virtually every comedy worth its salt has at least one recurring theme. This one has a character who has something bad happen every time she goes to the bathroom. It also has other recurring themes.

I should point out to anyone reading this that though there are bathroom scenes, the humor is not toilet humor. It’s very clean humor to be taking place in a bathroom.

For anyone interested, I submitted a revision to this days ago in which the format and some of the plot problems are fixed.

Thanks for taking the time to read twenty pages. Can’t ask for more than that to hook someone.

Brea



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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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For those interested:

A new version has been posted. Thanks Don.

The format issues have been resolved. I also adapted it to my newer style. I no longer notate beats and I only use wrylies if absolutely necessary, for example to specify an addressed character in a scene involving several characters for clarity sake. I no longer use any wrylies that direct actors. All these devices have been stripped from this script. And any main participles have been adjusted to present tense verbs. The description has also been condensed.

This script was written at a time when my technical skills had not advanced to the (what I believe to be) professional caliber I now exhibit. That has been remedied.

I also made some cuts and some additions. I made the cuts mostly to make room for the additions. Anna Lee is now proactive in the resolution and the “break” between Anna Lee and Heath is now the result of manipulation at the hand of Madge. The classic scenes are pretty much still intact.

I would like to humbly thank everyone who took the time to read and comment.



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surferchicky92
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say this was pretty enjoyable. I like the idea of a "singles camp". Some of the lines were kind of weird, like "I'm going to punch you in the vagina". Just keep working on it, and it'll get better.

Alanah
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from surferchicky92
I have to say this was pretty enjoyable. I like the idea of a "singles camp". Some of the lines were kind of weird, like "I'm going to punch you in the vagina". Just keep working on it, and it'll get better.

Alanah


Thanks for reading, Alanah. You didn’t like the line, “I’m going to punch you in the vagina?” -- haha! I should have used the word, “vulva.” That would probably be better. A lot of people just say “vagina” generically, which is how I meant it. But yeah, if you think about it literally, I see your point.



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greg
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson


You didn’t like the line, “I’m going to punch you in the vagina?” -- haha! I should have used the word, “vulva.” That would probably be better. A lot of people just say “vagina” generically, which is how I meant it. But yeah, if you think about it literally, I see your point.



No, the "punch you in the vagina" line is awesome!  Only the dorks from my stories would use the "vulva" line  



Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  July 24th, 2006, 3:10pm
removed "dude" address since Breanne doesn't like being called "dude"
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg


...the "punch you in the vagina" line is awesome!  Only the dorks from my stories would use the "vulva" line  


Hey Greg, thanks! This just goes to show, one person likes one thing and someone else doesn’t. Vulva does sound rather scientific, doesn’t it? Sort of like, “I’m going to strike you harshly in the labia majora.” -- haha! Besides, if I use vulva, some people will probably ask, “She’s going to punch her car?”




Revision History (1 edits)
Breanne Mattson  -  July 24th, 2006, 2:05pm
Removed dude address - don’t like being called dude.
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Steve-Dave
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Vagina's funnier than vulva. Go ahead, say the word vagina and not laugh, I dare ya.

Anyways, I really liked this script. A few flaws, and a couple references were lost on me, but I thought it was really funny.

However, I think it would be funnier if Anna Lee caused the burning of her work in some way, maybe by going to the bathroom instead of working.

I also think that her "need" for a relationship isn't emphasized enough. The tie in between losing her job, and then deciding to go to singles camp just wasn't a proper transition to me. I think it would make more sense if she had a boyfriend who broke up with her or something along those lines, rather then just mentioning it in conversation.

And I thought the mythies ruined a lot of the momentum of the scenes, like with the bear. To me they weren't really funny and could be wiped clean completely and the script would be better.

Other than that, I thought it was great though. Heath saying his name means wasteland was tremendously hilarious to me for some reason.

I also really liked the scene where everyone was introduced, very well constructed and funny. and Dennis' bickering with Heath is great too. "skull echoes coming out your cock slot?" Wow! How the hell'd you come up with that? lol. I liked a lot of the obscure insults you had. "purse strap" and "nut wrinkle" are some other great ones. The urinal scene was pretty funny too. I liked Eagle beak's character a lot as well. Good job on the script.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Thanks for reading. It’s funny you read this. I was reading The Skeptic. That’s uncanny. It’s slow going because I’m kind of swamped lately. So I’ve tried to squeeze in shorts just so I can participate at the boards.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
Vagina's funnier than vulva. Go ahead, say the word vagina and not laugh, I dare ya.


Vaginas are no laughing matter. Vaginas need to be taken seriously -- haha!


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I think it would be funnier if Anna Lee caused the burning of her work in some way, maybe by going to the bathroom instead of working.


I feel like this would be a serious mistake. I really think it would detract from her character. Part of her charm is her naiveté, which creates a certain “innocence” about her. If she burns down her workplace, she’ll be responsible for her own situation as well as causing the job loss of hundreds of other people. I’m afraid that would seriously reduce sympathy for her character.

I wanted her to be sort of a loveable loser who couldn’t get a break. Someone who is sort of abused. She struggles with work but she tries hard and people take advantage of her. If I make her someone who burns her place of employment down because she’s lazy, then I think that would just make her a person of low moral character. I really thought of her as a genuinely good person, albeit slightly dimwitted and somewhat misguided.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I think it would make more sense if she had a boyfriend who broke up with her or something along those lines, rather then just mentioning it in conversation.


Good point. I had considered that. And it’s still a consideration. No one mentioned it before so I didn’t make too much of it. Until now.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I thought the mythies ruined a lot of the momentum of the scenes, like with the bear. To me they weren't really funny and could be wiped clean completely and the script would be better.


Originally, their part was expanded. There was a scene showing inside their camp that was cut for brevity. Removing them would of course require the removal of other scenes (such as Anna Lee’s “Artemis” sequence which would negate the Native American clothing, etc.) It’ll take a little doing but it’s doable.

As far as the obscure insults, I just committed myself to writing all original stuff. I basically took every put down I’ve ever heard and made it off limits. Once the flow got going, it took over.

Thanks Steven. I’m working on The Skeptic.

Brea



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Steve-Dave
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Hey Steven,
Thanks for reading. It’s funny you read this. I was reading The Skeptic. That’s uncanny.


That's the second time that happened. I reviewed Bert's Farm while he was reading the Skeptic. Weird.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I feel like this would be a serious mistake. I really think it would detract from her character. Part of her charm is her naiveté, which creates a certain “innocence” about her. If she burns down her workplace, she’ll be responsible for her own situation as well as causing the job loss of hundreds of other people. I’m afraid that would seriously reduce sympathy for her character.

I wanted her to be sort of a loveable loser who couldn’t get a break. Someone who is sort of abused. She struggles with work but she tries hard and people take advantage of her. If I make her someone who burns her place of employment down because she’s lazy, then I think that would just make her a person of low moral character. I really thought of her as a genuinely good person, albeit slightly dimwitted and somewhat misguided.


Oh, I didn't mean SHE burns down her work. Sometimes I don't speakededed so goody.  I just meant in keeping with her bad luck, like she leaves her station unattended to go to the bathroom, and a fire starts by accident or something like that, without her knowing. I didn't mean she should start it though. Or even if Worm screwed something up while she was gone and blamed it on her leaving her station unattended or something along those lines.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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bert
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
That's the second time that happened. I reviewed Bert's Farm while he was reading the Skeptic. Weird.


True story.  This guy is some kinda' freak or something.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Steve-Dave
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


True story.  This guy is some kinda' freak or something.


It's like I've got ESPN or something.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Inkatheart
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Brea u rock like Hell in Heaven on Earth. I could really post a whole bunch stuff about WHY it was good, but that's just repeating the masses so i'll just be another one of ur newly devoted fans and tell u that this is some damn good work. You took an overused storyline and plot and just made it ur own, it's inspiring, invigorating, and it's just damn fantastic fun on paper. The characters were airy and fluid and they didn't just stick to one role, like Heath. I was very impressed with what u did with him. His role should've been: "Sexy, love interest guy who doesn't talk much but loves the main character anyway." Instead, what you did was take that character and give him a comedic personality. Remaking tired classics into new age fun fests are my thing, and u my dear madame, win the prize.


"Life only has lemons if you're a diabetic"
                            - Imas Dooggha
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