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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Down Holler Moderators: bert
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  Author    Down Holler  (currently 3435 views)
personnumber123864
Posted: July 21st, 2009, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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that's great. congratulations. hope it all works out for you.

where is trickum? in your screenplay i remember he flew into atlanta but your address on the title page is in nash vegas. is it in georgia or tennessee?
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BoinTN
Posted: July 21st, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Trickum is in Georgia, but I hail from Nashville.  For this one, kept everything nice and southern.
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personnumber123864
Posted: July 21st, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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that's apparent from the title. how did you come up with 'down holler'?
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BoinTN
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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"Down Holler" was a direction I'd heard growing up... "Where's Ed?"  "He's down holler."  I though there was something innately comforting about the description, so I used it as the title, though there's no direct reference in the script to that, I still like it.
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personnumber123864
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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it's a good title. good logline too.
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BoinTN
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Much appreciated!  Hopefully it will make a good movie one day, too!
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_ghostwriters
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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BoinTN

hello,

It needs a little work, but then most scripts do anyway.

I can see once or maybe twice but... your doctors and nurses, appear often in your script.  Have you thought about assigning them names?

Second, it's too wordy in some parts.  It made for a very hard read at times.

I wont list them all, just a couple.

Page#20... INT. HOME, can be cut a little.

Page#71... Kate is in bed - it's very late, after all.   I'd re-word it or get rid of after all.

Page#89... She carries herself like royalty, trapped by geography.  Sounds like poetry to me.  Is "trapped by geography," necessary?

Third, you have several INTERCUTS.  Minor adjustments, I would suggest.

Page 22 after that Intercut... you need a BACK TO SCENE or a new MASTER SCENE HEADING.

Overall,

Original, no.  Somewhat predictable. I kept reading beacuse it was pretty funny for the most part... but then again, it's comedy.

Did I like it,  yes, but I suggest tighten it up.

Good Luck to you,

Ghostwriter 22


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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BoinTN
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback!  Once I finish the new script, I may go back and do those very things.  My later work has been defined by more brevity, certainly, and I do like to hear myself write at times... it's a problem I'm addressing with each new project.

Still, I will always defend a little poetry in my work.  That's a criticism I will embrace.
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