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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Perfect Couple Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Perfect Couple  (currently 1584 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2009, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Perfect Couple by Karen (kalyhan) - Comedy, Romantic Comedy - Sometimes, only your best friend can help you realize you’re about to marry the wrong guy.  As an added bonus, your best friend may just happen to be the right guy. 116 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 22nd, 2009, 4:15pm
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Xavier
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kalyhan, I thought that this script was a heartfelt story that was well told between the characters. The beginning was a bit long but the script was very good. Keep up the good work.

Good Luck in the future,

Xavier


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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bryan00009
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Uh, improper line spacing, light (Courier New?) font, huge blocks of description filled with unfilmable or irrelevant information, way too many parentheticals (why do I have to keep writing that?), a short script (times out to about 79 minutes), typos (eg. midday is one word), improper page breaks (leaving the character's name dangling) ... to name a few.

If you were planning to enter any contests or have any idea about catching the attention of anyone with this script, you'll have to make it look a lot more professional than this.

As for the story, I didn't read too far but I'm guessing it has something to do with a platonic relationship between a man and woman that turns romantic.  It's an interesting premise even if it has been done before.  The opening dialogue seemed slow and cliched.  The first few pages are the most important so I would work on something that's going to catch people's attention.

http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/scriptsample.pdf


"It's just a rehash of something that wasn't very good to begin with.  I found it flat and trite..."  Sunset Boulevard (1950).
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sniper
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Jack & Clarise have been best friends since college.  They talk about everything.  Jack and Clarise are also next-door neighbors.  They share a morning coffee ritual on their adjoining balconies.

That's just about the most non-selling logline I've ever read. A logline should really be an appetizer for the script. Think of it almost as a trailer. You have to hook the readers right away.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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kalyhan
Posted: February 6th, 2009, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the feedback.  It IS appreciated!  I guess I will have to edit it accordingly.

I can write just about anything except a logline.  I realize it should catch the reader's attention, but for some reason, it seems difficult to me to write a small line or two from an entire script or book or anything really.

Any ideas?
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