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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Price Tag Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Price Tag by Henry Gifford - Comedy - Price Tag is a romantic-comedy, based on the idea that the longest relationship you have in life is not with another person but with money. 106 pages - pdf, format


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personnumber123864
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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this would be a better movie than half the movies i've seen in my life. i hope some day it gets produced.
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Farmer_Boy
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Personnumber123864,
Thanks for your comment and I'm glad you like it
Do you have any scripts of your own posted online?
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Baltis.
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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I've only read a few pages in "10" but your dialogue is too on the nose. You need to space after slugs and you're scenes are more than 6 lines a pop in some instances... This will all have to be adressed.

For instance, on page 1 you have FADE TO BLACK:  

That's fine... but make sure it's on the right side. Not the left. Then make sure you space below it once and then have your credits.  

On your credits you have to give us a time it stops. So you can have something like...

ROLL CREDITS:  

but then you have to bring us back into the movie

END CREDITS:

You have to do that.

Also, you use actual CAMERA directions in your script.  CLOSE ON  don't do that.

Anyways, if I get any further with it I'll be back in this space to tell you what I think.
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Farmer_Boy
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Baltis,

Thanks for your post .

Yes, you're right about the spacing and the alignment - but as for the credits, I didn't suggest there should be any: I only suggested the MAIN TITLE. As for the end, it's not important to write End Credits. What's the point?

But I definitely agree that the actions/dialogue could be trimmed.  

As for CLOSE UP, I felt it was important and it is one of the only camera directions I give in the script (I think) and it's pretty much the same as writing POV - in a way, both are camera directions but both can be found in many scripts.

But then again, that's just me.

Let me know if you do manage to read all of it, would like to know what you think.
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personnumber123864
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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i haven't posted anything since i'm just starting out but i really like this site. i always suspected that there were a lot of good scripts out there which simply haven't been produced due to the fact that it's just plain difficult to cross that "velvet rope". this site definitely confirms my suspicion though. do you have any others online?
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