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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Shiva - A Comic Tale - The Flubox Fiasco Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shiva - A Comic Tale - The Flubox Fiasco  (currently 1658 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2009, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shiva - A Comic Tale - The Flubux Fiasco by Sandra E. Watson - Comedy - A Seeker discovers his genetic roots as a Blaster - while he gets wired, his reality turns weird. 109 pages - pdf, format


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Well, this was certainly an unusual take on the Shiva thing. It did make me laugh, but I don't think it would work outside the 'group' if you get my meaning.

I think you have a really vivid writing style, Sandra. Some would call some of your descriptions uneccesary, but I think it only makes them that much more enjoyable to read and understand.

Your formatting is splotless except for the letter font.  I'm used to courier or courier new.

I did not read the entire thing --- it was late at night, so I just skimmed through it. Sorry about that. But for what it's worth, I really enjoyed this comedic take on our characters (out dare you make fun of Cordelia's mental instabilities?? )

--Julio
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Thanks Julio for the read,

I am working on a serious version that's true to the tone of the game we played, but I just kept having stupid things happen; so I worked with a general entertainment version.

My apologies for being unable to produce a serious version by the due date.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ReaperCreeper
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I don't think any apology is needed. No one has come up with a re-write yet.

--Julio
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mike902018
Posted: June 6th, 2009, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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I had a read of this script, not the whole thing but into 20 pages. I thought it was well written with nice descriptions of characters. However not having any understanding of what Shiva is it was completely lost on me and I didn't understand the terminology either. When I searched for 'Shiva' I got results ranging from a Hindu God to a Jewish ritual, and I'm not aware of the web series.

I don't think its very accessible for people with no knowledge of the source material, but like I said I didn't see any problems with the formatting and writing. I think its more of a 'fan' script if that's the right word.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 6th, 2009, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from mike902018
I had a read of this script, not the whole thing but into 20 pages. I thought it was well written with nice descriptions of characters. However not having any understanding of what Shiva is it was completely lost on me and I didn't understand the terminology either. When I searched for 'Shiva' I got results ranging from a Hindu God to a Jewish ritual, and I'm not aware of the web series.

I don't think its very accessible for people with no knowledge of the source material, but like I said I didn't see any problems with the formatting and writing. I think its more of a 'fan' script if that's the right word.


Thank you muchly for the read Mike. As time elapses and I allow this to go cold and get some help from others here, I will be working on a series of rewrites. I generated so very much material with this I have to admit, I became very lost in things, but I really wanted to submit something.

I do have a dark versions in progress, but as Dana says, it can be very hard to end and the trouble I had was that different characters kept taking over.

So much material was generated, not only after the game, but during the game itself. There are just so many stories that can grow out of it and so much work that could be done with the different characters.

Again, thank you very much for your time. It's truly appreciated.

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Andrew
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,

So, I have finally got round to this! Apologies for the delay.

I will comment as I go, so hopefully that will be helpful

My first impression is that you write very well, and there's a nice flow to your words. However, it's definitely difficult to relate to the material (and the font is really distracting), as it's 'niche', in the sense that it was written with a specific audience in mind. For example:


Quoted Text

Be swift. Move through those halls and classes - where the
old ink wells sit eternally fashioned to the desks. Where the
skipping songs whip in and out in the distance as if the
dials of an eternal radio are being changed.


Onto page 4, and am definitely intrigued with this style. My natural reaction to this fantasia is one of confusion. This reminds me of surreal art; it's done with an unashamed and deft touch, but it's definitely a barrier to the masses, y'know.

I think it's fair to say this piece will develop into something of a non sequitur.

This, for example, just feels 'too much' - it's ultimately distracting as a reader:


Quoted Text

PULL BACK as Colin leaves and you see I see we all see:


I feel bad, 'cos you're always so insightful/thoughtful with your reviews, and I feel like I am missing out on the big picture here, Sandra.

Sandra, I am really, really sorry 'cos I promised you a read but this one is just going over my head. The subject is just not there for me, and while I think it's clear that you have a strong capability with words, I just feel the source material here isn't going to be to my liking. Please don't take that as an insult, 'cos I would love to read some more 'standard' work from yourself, but I just feel this is going to get lost in my little head!!

Sorry, Sandra.

Andrew




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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so very much Andrew. I appreciate it very much. You needn't feel bad at all!

First off,

Some people are having trouble with the font and it's strange because it's showing up as Courier for me. Hmmm… Anyone know what gremlins exist in PDF format change over? I have the PDF doc and it's fine on this end. Also when I print, it's fine. I don't know what it is.

Re: not liking the style. I'm crazy in love with words. Sorry. Not everyone's in love with my words.   Again, don't feel bad!

Style is the least of my worries. People love you or hate you. That's just the way it is. My concern is structure. It's my weak point and I'm working hard to develop. It might take a couple of lifetimes, but "meh"!  

Regarding this in the beginning-- it's purely written for the director to feel a quickness juxtaposed (gotta love that word - I use it a lot) against an oldness. Old and swift don't usually go together. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!!! ...

Be swift. Move through those halls and classes - where the
old ink wells sit eternally fashioned to the desks. Where the
skipping songs whip in and out in the distance as if the
dials of an eternal radio are being changed.

You know how it sounds when a radio dial is being changed? That's supposed to be cues for the sound people, but I don't want to litter my script with caps. BELIEVE ME... OH SHUT UP SANDRA...

Anyways, thanks again Andrew.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Andrew
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I would just say to anyone else who is/will read this script - there is an abundance of talent on show, so any issues reside with the reader as opposed to the writer. In a nutshell, I have a pretty small little mind capable of only certain types of writing!

Andrew


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Andrew
Hey Sandra,

Onto page 4, and am definitely intrigued with this style. My natural reaction to this fantasia is one of confusion.



I've heard that one before.   It's definitely something I try to work on. I think maybe I read a little too much on Biocentric Universe theory.

I think you might be having trouble with the Reality Lesson scene in the classroom? I had approached this many ways and settled on this, but I'm going to keep pondering on it.

Sandra



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Jyoti
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Hi Sandra,

I am filmmaker from India. Please Tell me about shiva web series.

Ram
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 5th, 2009, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Jyoti
Hi Sandra,

I am filmmaker from India. Please Tell me about shiva web series.

Ram


Hello Ram,

The Shiva Webseries game is a game that a group of us writers here at Simplyscripts played together. It was developed by Michael Cornetto with the following premise:

A virulent airborne form of rabies decimates the human population and leaves the animals mad. Some people band together into tribes to try to survive in this strange new world but they are plagued by visions and dreams of a creature both frightening and comforting at the same time.  It's calling them to it and they have no choice but to obey the call -- no matter how dangerous the journey may be.

The original premise generated a lot of material and I subsequently wrote The Flubox Fiasco (a comedy) along with other dark versions I currently have as wips. The comedy I generated has its developmental roots in the game, but is different storywise.

After the game, I took the characters created by the writers, played with them and served them up as "Seekers" in a fantastic virtual kind of world where they experience reality across time and space, learning and evolving.

The evolutionary aspects are played out here with the thematic elements of knowledge versus freedom; thus, in this story, we have Seekers embodying the archetypal aspect of the Serpent and knowledge and The Primitives, with the emblem of a Wolf, embodying freedom, superstition and Shamanistic traditions.

In between these two ideals, we have the third element which was created by a "conception" between the two. It is here that we find, the initial development of the demons, known as Blasters, in their most dramatic form, being the most evil; yet, in this story, they always come back around, eventually transmuting back to purity and wholeness.

In Flubox Fiasco, the protagonist, Colin O'Riely, turns Blaster as the genes he was blessed with   initialize from their original dormant state. Thus begins his journey, where inside him grows a paradox and so he makes an appointment at The Great and Holy Governmental Law Offices of Lord and Lady Shiva, requesting the opportunity to become an angel and just in time too, because there's been a Flubux in the cosmos...

...and you know what that means-- aha! The Blasters are popping up everywhere, escaping from Nowhere Land, a very very dull place. No color, no music... Well, we might call it Hell 'cept this is family entertainment; so we don't use that word.

The experiential aspect of The Seekers' journeys involve coming to terms with the necessary, but negative energies that manifest as demons known as Blasters.

Lord and Lady Shiva are masculine and feminine aspects that typically make mistakes, after all, as you will here them proclaim, "I'm only a god! Sheesh!"

The premise of the series I envision can be summed up in a portion of a scene I wrote... Where is it? Oh here it is:

Whilst pulling down lines of glowing quantum cords, Mr. Vanmeer emanates a strange and lovely green light from his heart chakra.

MR. VANMEER
Every timeline has its own Doomsday. The dark night of the soul when one must find meaning in the hopeless pit of despair.

MR. VANMEER
For help with that, God created these:

Twelve people who are either doodling, clipping fingernails, fidgeting, blowing bubble gum or snoozing around a large round meeting table.

MR. VANMEER
The Seekers- looking for one unique truth, one timeline at a time.

Colin O’Riely, Bruce Jarse, Samantha Visione, Jack Stone, Albert Ryste, Eddie Steiner, Michael B. Webster, Father Robert Holmes, Innocence Tembu, Leona Carter, Heidi Winslow, James Fleming.

MR. VANMEER
These 12 researchers of reality have laws to follow as they bring light to each apocalypse. Some laws are easier to keep than others...

Murmurs from the round table...

SEEKERS
I’ll say. Got that right. Betch your patootie.

MR. VANMEER
The hardest law of all...

The twelve instantly perk up, ready to gamble. Colin puts on a poker hat. Jack puts on a poker face. Samantha empties a whole whack of quarters. Eddie lights his bestest cigarette with his favorite zippo.

**

These guys are always betting over something or another.

The current draft up here on Simply is just that: A Draft. I'm still exploring characters and trying to define the structure, hoping to eventually nail it and produce a Disneyesque styled script.

I've got so many files on Shiva now, I have to go through them and start labeling them with key words to define them. Hard to believe we've written this much. But then again, it's going on a year now since this all started.

As far as its original dark flavored version and the original, you can read the scenes of all the writers (our twiddling, doodling and dozing bunch) here:


Original Shiva Webseries Game 08/09

Success! Worked out the hyperlink proper like. Thanks Javier and Tommyp for the help!

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Sandra Elstree.  -  July 5th, 2009, 10:02pm
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jayrex
Posted: July 5th, 2009, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


To fix this Sandra to look like this:

Original Shiva Series

try

[url=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-collaborate/m-1228603369/s-new/]Word play[/url ]

I put a space in the [/url ] part, just remove it and it'll work.

This will also fix your link on your 'Scripts You Have Posted On Simplyscripts' post.

You'll need this:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1095531482/s-60/#num61

if you want to put this in your signature and let people find your stuff.

All the best


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 5th, 2009, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jayrex


Thanks Javier,

I realized just a moment ago when I tried it that it was coming through as one of the later pages in the thread. As usual, I often get virtually lost when I have too many pages open in my browser. When will I learn!  

Anyways, I've got it above now as:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-collaborate/m-1228603369/s-0/

I just need to write it as "Original Shiva Webseries".

** OK, I played around trying to add code here. I've created hyperlinks before in Word and on other sites, but I can't decipher how to do what you said above. It seems there should be a hyperlink button where we can write in our Key Words, but there doesn't seem to be. When I clicked on The Help section, for some reason my computer isn't letting me have access because it thinks there's a Trojan activity.

It will just have to remain a little un-pretty for now.  

OK, let's try the link as in the successful post above, right here:

[url=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-collaborate/m-1228603369/s-0/]Shiva Original Webseries Game 08/09

It doesn't seem to want to work now in the preview. Yes Tommyp, I know it worked in the the message I sent back. I don't know. Don had some problems with dead links recently. Maybe it's a quirk in the system somehow. Anyways, it worked for me once above in the earlier post.

Sandra

Thanks again,




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Sandra Elstree.  -  July 5th, 2009, 11:26pm
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Thanks Sandra!

Ram
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