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Interesting Strangers by Kim Britt (screen_dreamer) - Comedy, Romance - When an indecisive do-it-yourselfer meets an interesting stranger, their unconventional friendship leads to a romance that threatens her comfortable quirk of never being able to complete a project. 106 pages - pdf, format
ooo ooo ooo screen_dreamer, i believe you can get me through the ni-iiiight!
sorry, just heard 'dream weaver' on the radio and couldn't resist.
liked your screenplay. story is good, characters are good, dialogue's good. i'm thinking it would make a good movie all around. ending's a bit schmaltzy but i still got a warm fuzzy nonetheless.
also refreshing to read a script about a girl by a girl. as much as i like this site, it's sadly lacking in female perspective.
found a few typos here and there but most were too small to mention. here are a couple that stood out:
36 - preston says we're dying of thirst - should be toby, i'm thinking 48 - daniel says screw the dog - should be rachel 75 - perrogative is spelled prerogative 81 - both conrad and donald say they're with peyton. either one of them should be with penelope or they're a far more interesting family than you've let on.
I read the first ten pages and have to admit that it's a bit slow at the start. Dialogue doesn't even start till the 4th page. Maybe it's my style, but I keep the action as short as possible and the bulk of my scripts are usually dialogue. I think in like the second scene, you take a whole page to describe the bathroom. First ten pages are how contests, producers, and agents determine if your script is good.
Chongamon, thanks for the tip. I'm usually told I have too much dialogue so I guess this script is a departure from my norm. If you decide to read on, please let me know what you think of it.
BTW, I spend that much time describing her house because it's almost like a character. It's her arch-enemy in that it's always looming over her and she can't seem to get it right no matter what. I just wanted to show the reader what a state of disarray it's in. But I agree with you, perhaps I should cut down on or move some of the description so that we move onto something a bit more interesting in the first 10 pages.
Oh and another thing, there's dialogue on page 2, it doesn't start on 4.
Hi, Kim. I've read your story and like one person mentioned earlier it does carry on at a slow pace. I think it's because you use a lot, and I do mean a lot of passive verbiage as well as continually slow the pace down with unneeded filler like "Looks up and sees Preston smiling at her" when it would be so much easier and quicker to put "Preston smiles down at her".
The excessive use of -ing words and the mentioning of "he looks", "she looks", "he sees", "she sees" were a nuisance for my eyes and made the script read more like a short story rather than... well, as script.
A couple of great screenwriters on this site told me a long time ago "In a script, you have to show action, not tell it". Don't tell me Rachel is frustrated, show me she's frustrated by the way she reacts physically. Throw some movement into it.
The dialogue was the best part of the script. I actually learned more about the characters through that than the detail and descriptions.
Oh another thing, it's important to let the viewer interpret somethings. Example "They stand up and walk to the register". Obviously, they have to stand up to walk to the register. I suggest something like "After their meal, they proceed to the register". It's less wordy and just as descriptive, if not more.
Last, make sure you aren't describing something that can't be captured visually or audibly. "Raises her hand enthusiastically like a fifth grader" nah uh. That's something that completely opinionated. Not all fifth graders may show the same kind of enthusiasm. Another example is when you told (always show don't tell) how a character felt based on what another character did to them. You said at one point "Rachel sighs, frustrated, because Daniel stuck her with teaching his painting class" (or something like that). That line wastes too much space and doesn't paint a clearer picture of Rachel's expression. Ha ha ha paint a picture. Get she's teaching old women how to paint and tape off... oh you get it.
I hope my input is helpful to you.
Thanks for the read, ~Brandon~
p.s Show me don't tell me.
"After Dark" "Lie Behind the Eye" "In Came You" "Insatiable" "Bethany" "The Heartbreaker"