SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 26th, 2020, 10:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Interesting Strangers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Interesting Strangers  (currently 2137 views)
Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2009, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14281
Posts Per Day
1.97
Interesting Strangers by Kim  Britt (screen_dreamer) - Comedy, Romance - When an indecisive do-it-yourselfer meets an interesting stranger, their unconventional friendship leads to a romance that threatens her comfortable quirk of never being able to complete a project. 106 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
personnumber123864
Posted: July 7th, 2009, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
41
Posts Per Day
0.01
ooo ooo ooo screen_dreamer, i believe you can get me through the ni-iiiight!

sorry, just heard 'dream weaver' on the radio and couldn't resist.

liked your screenplay. story is good, characters are good, dialogue's good.
i'm thinking it would make a good movie all around. ending's a bit schmaltzy but
i still got a warm fuzzy nonetheless.

also refreshing to read a script about a girl by a girl. as much as i like this site, it's sadly lacking in female perspective.

found a few typos here and there but most were too small to mention. here are a couple that stood out:

36 - preston says we're dying of thirst - should be toby, i'm thinking
48 - daniel says screw the dog - should be rachel
75 - perrogative is spelled prerogative
81 - both conrad and donald say they're with peyton. either one of them should be with penelope or they're a far more interesting family than you've let on.

otherwise, nice job and thanks for sharing.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 7
screen_dreamer
Posted: August 9th, 2009, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
67
Posts Per Day
0.02
Thanks for the insight.  Glad you liked the script!

Yeesh, that pg 81 typo is a bit embarrassing lol

Kim
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
Chongamon
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 11:44am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
I read the first ten pages and have to admit that it's a bit slow at the start. Dialogue doesn't even start till the 4th page. Maybe it's my style, but I keep the action as short as possible and the bulk of my scripts are usually dialogue. I think in like the second scene, you take a whole page to describe the bathroom. First ten pages are how contests, producers, and agents determine if your script is good.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
screen_dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2009, 1:32am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
67
Posts Per Day
0.02
Chongamon,  thanks for the tip.  I'm usually told I have too much dialogue so I guess this script is a departure from my norm.  If you decide to read on, please let me know what you think of it.

BTW, I spend that much time describing her house because it's almost like a character.  It's her arch-enemy in that it's always looming over her and she can't seem to get it right no matter what.  I just wanted to show the reader what a state of disarray it's in.  But I agree with you, perhaps I should cut down on or move some of the description so that we move onto something a bit more interesting in the first 10 pages.

Oh and another thing, there's dialogue on page 2, it doesn't start on 4.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 7
Coleman
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 10:28am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Carpe Diem

Location
illinois
Posts
63
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi, Kim. I've read your story and like one person mentioned earlier it does carry on at a slow pace. I think it's because you use a lot, and I do mean a lot of passive verbiage as well as continually slow the pace down with unneeded filler like "Looks up and sees Preston smiling at her" when it would be so much easier and quicker to put "Preston smiles down at her".

The excessive use of -ing words and the mentioning of "he looks", "she looks", "he sees", "she sees" were a nuisance for my eyes and made the script read more like a short story rather than... well, as script.

A couple of great screenwriters on this site told me a long time ago "In a script, you have to show action, not tell it". Don't tell me Rachel is frustrated, show me she's frustrated by the way she reacts physically. Throw some movement into it.

The dialogue was the best part of the script. I actually learned more about the characters through that than the detail and descriptions.

Oh another thing, it's important to let the viewer interpret somethings. Example "They stand up and walk to the register". Obviously, they have to stand up to walk to the register. I suggest something like "After their meal, they proceed to the register".  It's less wordy and just as descriptive, if not more.

Last, make sure you aren't describing something that can't be captured visually or audibly. "Raises her hand enthusiastically like a fifth grader" nah uh. That's something that completely opinionated. Not all fifth graders may show the same kind of enthusiasm. Another example is when you told (always show don't tell) how a character felt based on what another character did to them. You said at one point "Rachel sighs, frustrated, because Daniel stuck her with teaching his painting class" (or something like that). That line wastes too much space and doesn't paint a clearer picture of Rachel's expression.  Ha ha ha paint a picture. Get she's teaching old women how to paint and tape off... oh you get it.

I hope my input is helpful to you.

Thanks for the read,
~Brandon~

p.s Show me don't tell me.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 5 - 7
screen_dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 1:39am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
67
Posts Per Day
0.02
Thanks for the insight, Brandon.

Actually, I believe it was "like a kindergartener on the first day of school" which I think everyone realizes means enthusiastic.  But I see what you're saying.  

I didn't realize that all the "she looks" "she sees", etc was distracting from the story.  I really need to watch out for that.

Kim
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 7
Coleman
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 5:42am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Carpe Diem

Location
illinois
Posts
63
Posts Per Day
0.01
You're welcome, Kim.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006