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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Shoreline Times Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shoreline Times by Chip Casner - Comedy - Luke and Shane, seniors at a Connecticut high school, have been rivals since the third grade.  Shane, with his brash attitude and natural good looks, has always come out on top.  Their latest squabble is over Katie, the hottest girl in school and star of the field hockey team.  Luke, with the help of his best friend Derek, try to save the team from cancellation by throwing an outlandish fundraiser.   96 pages - pdf, format


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ajr
Posted: November 25th, 2009, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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I'm almost half way through it and I'll try to finish it tomorrow.  The first thing you should do though is work on introducing your characters.  None of the names are capped the first time they speak, and the football players and one of the coaches speak without being introduced in the description.

Also, you don't introduce the conflict from your log line until more than 1/3 of the way through the script, so until then we have only the rivalry between Luke and Shane, which is not really a rivalry since Katie immediately falls for Shane, and a lot of teen sex.

Perhaps you should introduce the cancellation of the field hockey program much earlier, then Luke can always have the realization to save it as the turning point at the end of act one.

There was one really funny line: "unless her eye has a uterus, I think we're fine."


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ajr
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Finished (sorry for the delay) - some random thoughts:

There's some funny moments here, however I get the feeling I'm still reading a rough draft, as evidenced by my comment above on how you introduce your characters.

Also, get to the scene as late as possible and leave on the takeaway line - this will tighten the dialogue and allow you to expand your descriptions of the characters.

I need more from Luke if he's your protagonist - he's the least dimensional of the main characters.  Shane is a bit cartoon-like as well, but as the foil it doesn't matter as much.

If Katie doesn't care about saving field hockey, why does Luke?  The bit about the legacy is forced.  Seventeen-year-olds don't worry about stuff like that.

On page 53 I think you mean EXT. RENTAL HOUSE since Luke is hanging a banner.  Also, wouldn't a placard that reads "save field hockey" be a flashing neon sign to all the adults as well?

Page 56 - the old man at the liquor store retired less than a week after Shane bought the alcohol?

Page 59 - another character, DAVIS, speaks without being introduced.

The math club counting cards at blackjack is funny, but the whole "Risky Business" thing feels forced.  In RB it was the rich kids paying for the prostitutes, and here you have the rich kids charging the nerds?

Shots fired in a rich neighborhood and the cops don't show?

This falls apart a bit in the 3rd act - way too long a setup for only the "liquid heat in the jocks from Revenge of the Nerds" payoff - and why are the football players suddenly the enemy and Tyler the protagonist?

Katie breaks up with Shane because he's small, and falls for Luke because he fixes her flat?

I think you should go with the "Saving Silverman" angle here, because it's basically the Derek and O'Shea show, and the Derek and Tiffany thing is more interesting.  Maybe make them intercede on Luke's behalf?

Also, Katie is not a prize once she sleeps with Shane a few hours after meeting him.  I think you need to have Katie and Shane set up from the beginning (it's fine if Shane cheats on her).

Coach Brian is a great character.

Overall there's some funny here but I think you're all over the map.  I'd like to read a revised, tighter version of this at some point.


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August
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much for the detailed response.  I agree with everything you have mentioned.  I'll be revising the script in the next few weeks.  Coach Brian is my favorite character as well whch I would love to see played by Matthew McConaughey.  Again, thank you - Chip Casner
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ajr
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure Chip - keep at it and good luck.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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c m hall
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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The part about the announcement of the student clubs being discontinued is funny, and the writing seems smoother there -- perhaps the various disbanded clubs could each try to raise money / compete with each other with fund raising events?  Just random thoughts...because this script has many moments of unexpected charm and originality...I really didn't like the ending too much, though, about the LSD...just too harsh to be funny, for me.
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