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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Prince of Coal (7WC) Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Prince of Coal (7WC)  (currently 3889 views)
_ghostwriters
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Grademan...

Finally got around to this last week.  Everything has been said, and I can add no value to you.  So just a few thoughts.

I think the gnomes, elfs, and dwarfs stole the show at the beginning of this.   To be honest and maybe you intended it to be that way.  Fair enough. Thomas definately came in too late in this one as well.  I thought you did very well with the majority of the characters in this... but I can't put a finger on Thomas.

The biggest thing too me, I saw was that battle scene.  Yea, I know you spent a lot of time on it and tried hard but still needs some work too.   I'm sure it's something you'll  look at if you ever do a re-write.

The writing was crisps and I thought the structure was fine.   I thought also, your title was perfect.

I hate to say this, but it's not my kind of movie, and it doesn't have too be for me to read it.   Especially, sense it seemed liked you had a fun time writing this one.

So congrats of finishing the challange.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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grademan
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks GW for your time and input.

I always read your reviews of other's works - always informed and fair. I haven't started the rewrite yet. Maybe in a month or two. The battle will be hard for me to rewrite. I did work hard on it. Oh well, not bad for the 7WC!

Gary
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 19th, 2010, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

The holiday season is upon us, so I thought I'd give this a read.
I just finished the first act and thought I'd share a few thoughts.

I am amazed at how clean this first draft is, sooooo much white on the page.
Personally, its a bit too spartan for me, but it doesn't detract from your story.
This is a pretty fluid read and I rarely got tripped up by anything at all.

I have only two significant gripes with your first act.

1) I don't buy Santa's depression over Serena. At all.
    Perhaps if she was killed or something, I could see it.
    Mrs. Claus seems a bit too quick to throw her hands up about it for my taste.

2) Your script is called "The Prince of Coal".
    We don't meet him until the end of the first act.
    It feels like your story is really getting started when we meet Thomas.
    You definitely need a prologue with Santa getting sad, for sure.
    I'm excited about Thomas and looking forward to the rest of the script.

Kohl and Lump are neat, I like showing Lump's origins.
This pair is more interesting to me than the trolls, dwarves, gnomes and elves.  
I hope there's lots more of them to come in the story.
Thanks for the post, I'll be back with more when I can!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  November 20th, 2010, 1:38pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 20th, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

Banged out the second act of the script this morning.
I must say again, this script is a very fluid read.
Your technical muscles are really flexing well here.

The second holds up pretty well, I read through it pretty fast.
I'm still struggling with Santa's depression, I'm just not feeling it.
I keep thinking to myself, there must be something in his childhood or something.
You know? Some bad blood between him and Kohl's family or something.
What made Thomas so bitter towards Santa? Are there hang ups related?
I like your story structure so far, but I'm hungry for more character motivation.
Thomas isn't such a big villain yet, hoping he's gonna cut loose in the third act.
I was expecting his t.v. interview to be much more over the top for some reason.
Thomas does kinda remind me of Kevin Spacey's character in Fred Claus just a bit.
And that character's motivation was a big reveal in the third act.

Here are some scene specific notes on the second act:

p. 33 Did I miss the nomination process for Thomas somewhere?
        I think its important to show that to develop Gnarles's character.
        It would demonstrate his earnest attempt to help save Christmas.
        He's genuinely interested in helping, but makes a bad decision.
        A flaw like that to redeem gives him a nice character arc. Just my two cents.

p. 34 NPOL made me laugh. Very witty.

p. 38 Kohl's interview felt tepid and the hooligans line with Santa felt weird.
        He's never sad a bad word about kids before, kinda outta the blue there.
        I was expecting Thomas to be all moustache twirly here, he was pretty sedate.

p. 39 Grief counselors for the children. I chuckled at that, very cute.

p. 40 Santagate, oh you, being all silly and funny. I like it.

p. 50 No Serena's letter? Aww, really? You build it up, I was ready for it.
        I thought for sure there would be words of inspiration in there.
        I hope it comes back later or something, to motivate Santa, etc.
        I tend to disconnect a bit from stories that build me up, but don't pay off.
        It's a trust thing for me, I trust you to show me what you build.
        Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset, just a tad disappointed you held that back.

p. 53 Thomas's big plan is to give all the kids of the world coal?
        Why does he want to punish the children? I thought his beef was with Santa?
        I'm not feeling Kohl's hatred or resentment, did he come from a broken home?
        I still don't understand how Thomas was wronged and became bitter.
        I don't get the bad seed vibe much, so I assume he has a chip on his shoulder.
        I'm very interested to find out what that chip is in the third act.

p. 57 In sleigh or in the way. Great line, inspirational. Want more like that. Kudos.

Looking forward to the third act.
Will report back after the weekend.
Keep up the writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 21st, 2010, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

Read the third act this morning.
I enjoyed all the effort you put into organizing your climax.
I like how things came together and you wrapped it up nicely.
My earlier issues still hold in the third act though.
Thomas still feels like a very thin villain to me.
He doesn't have much back story, but I like his redemption scene.
I'm kinda on the fence about Lump assuming the main villain role.
It justifies some of Thom's weakness, but I didn't find it all that satisfying.
I really want to know why Thomas was such a bad kid.
If it wasn't his fault, he was tricked or something, it makes his redemption better.
Heck, I could even see him sacrificing himself to save Christmas in the end.
I enjoy the elements you put together here, I was just looking for more of an arc.
I also didn't understand how the magic transfer work if Lump duped Thomas.
I laughed lots at the Santa bipolar joke.  

This is good stuff and I think it will be exceptional with a character polish.
Thanks for the upload and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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grademan
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Hello  ED.

Thanks for dusting this one off.  You've been very busy reviewing stuff.  Let me know when I can turn the favor.

Santa's depression is not convincing
Thomas is introduced too late. All characters should be set by the 10th page.
Thomas and Lump were my favorites too.
Thomas was not nominated for the job, he called Gnarles at the right time
I will include job interview process next time
the television interview was tepid and needs to be kicked up
sorry about Serena's letter, it will be there next time
Thomas was mad at Santa for coal for five years, it will be clear next time
I tried to wrap it up nicely, thanks for noticing
in order to be redeemed, you must first be a real prick

I'm glad you enjoyed the humor.  You pick out the right spots for improvement.  I appreciated your review. I will definitely consider your suggestions for the rewrite.  Which hasn't started yet.

Gary

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
Hello  ED.

Thanks for dusting this one off.  You've been very busy reviewing stuff.  Let me know when I can turn the favor.

Santa's depression is not convincing
Thomas is introduced too late. All characters should be set by the 10th page.
Thomas and Lump were my favorites too.
Thomas was not nominated for the job, he called Gnarles at the right time
I will include job interview process next time
the television interview was tepid and needs to be kicked up
sorry about Serena's letter, it will be there next time
Thomas was mad at Santa for coal for five years, it will be clear next time
I tried to wrap it up nicely, thanks for noticing
in order to be redeemed, you must first be a real prick

I'm glad you enjoyed the humor.  You pick out the right spots for improvement.  I appreciated your review. I will definitely consider your suggestions for the rewrite.  Which hasn't started yet.

Gary



Hey Gary,

Thanks for the quick reply.
I appreciate the nod on the reviews I've been posting.
I firmly believe in reading others the way i want to be read.
I've enjoyed, Pitch, Cumbara and this one and look forward to your latest effort.
If you'd like to look over my short for starters, please feel free.
I always welcome the opinions of fellow members on my work.
If you're a real glutton for punishment after that, I have a feature linked as well.
Keep writing and don't let the coal mites bite!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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