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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Prince of Coal (7WC) Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Prince of Coal (7WC)  (currently 3890 views)
Don
Posted: December 23rd, 2009, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Prince of Coal (7WC) by Gary D. Rademan (grademan) - Comedy, Family, Animation - Santa loses his Christmas spirit and the responsibility falls on his assistant who screws up by finding a replacement who received coal every year for Christmas leading to a showdown between old Santa and new Santa on Christmas Eve (90 pages, PDF). - pdf, format


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Tommyp
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Gary. Gazza. Gazza? I like it.

Here are my notes as I read your script.

"With a bit of Santa magic" I think you should be more specific. It's fine if he throws some powder in the air or whatever, but just show us what he is doing.

Okay, page 3, I'm confused. Your slug needs to be more specific (I love that word). I'm assuming the tree, Santa, and the child are in the same room, yet after a few seconds, the child is in her bed.

Also, maybe the fire could be caused by the lights on the tree heating the tree up. The wire sparking doesn't really make sense.

How do we know there are droppings in the snowball? Maybe have G mutter under his breath that there are, otherwise the audience wouldn't know.

Page 14 and things are going sweeeeet. Dialogue is gold, some hilarious lines, action is clean, and building up a story. Good stuff!

Page 20. G leaves, then T asks him a question.... when he isn't there.

Don't need this, "Up close, Monger reeks of furry troll." Show don't tell, like you did in the line after this one.

I don't think that's the right way to format a vision. I'm not sure of the right way, though. I like it.

Would this all be animation? Or would the humans be real?

Page 26. I wouldn't have "moments later" but cut to another scene for a bit. Then come back to this one, and it will be clearer Thomas told him what they should do.

Okay, so we have met the bad guy. On page 29 or whatever it is. It's slightly too late, I think he should be introduced ten or so pages earlier...

I don't think one incident at the start with the burning house can justify Santa being this depressed and sad. I think there needs to be a lead up of incidents. They don't need to happen on screen, just mentioned.

Page 65, and everything seems good so far. Everything has been set up and developed, lets hope it ends well!

One thing I have noticed here is that the good guys usually win... against the odds. In this, there are some many good guys... and only a few bad guys. Hopefully there is moe against the good guys before the end,

Okay, page 73, and I take back the first comment about the tree on fire, it makes sense now.

I love the final battle and the percent montage

Aaaand, good ending.

I thought I would have more comments than this, I don't think I was very helpful, but I don't really know what else to say.

I liked it. It was slightly predictable, but most kids stories are. Some awesome lines in there, and format was all good.

So well done for writing this, I'm sure others will also enjoy to read it.


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grademan
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Tommy,

Thanks for the read! It's my first feature ever.


Quoted Text
"With a bit of Santa magic" I think you should be more specific. It's fine if he throws some powder in the air or whatever, but just show us what he is doing.


I was going to leave that to the film maker's decision but yes I should have indicated it.


Quoted Text
Okay, page 3, I'm confused. Your slug needs to be more specific (I love that word). I'm assuming the tree, Santa, and the child are in the same room, yet after a few seconds, the child is in her bed.


My bad.


Quoted Text
Also, maybe the fire could be caused by the lights on the tree heating the tree up. The wire sparking doesn't really make sense.


Thanks for pointing that out. We get an explanation later as you point out but that's too long to wait. I'll look at this.


Quoted Text
How do we know there are droppings in the snowball? Maybe have G mutter under his breath that there are, otherwise the audience wouldn't know.


D'oh.


Quoted Text
Page 20. G leaves, then T asks him a question.... when he isn't there.


There originally was a wryly there (to self with suspicion). Shoulda left it in.


Quoted Text
Don't need this, "Up close, Monger reeks of furry troll." Show don't tell, like you did in the line after this one.


Double D'oh


Quoted Text
I don't think that's the right way to format a vision. I'm not sure of the right way, though. I like it.


Should be similar to a montage.


Quoted Text
Would this all be animation? Or would the humans be real?


Good question. I could see that.


Quoted Text
Page 26. I wouldn't have "moments later" but cut to another scene for a bit. Then come back to this one, and it will be clearer Thomas told him what they should do.


Excellent suggestion.


Quoted Text
Okay, so we have met the bad guy. On page 29 or whatever it is. It's slightly too late, I think he should be introduced ten or so pages earlier...


Sigh. I agree. One third of the way thru and we finally meet the bad guy.


Quoted Text
I don't think one incident at the start with the burning house can justify Santa being this depressed and sad. I think there needs to be a lead up of incidents. They don't need to happen on screen, just mentioned.


Another good point.


Quoted Text
One thing I have noticed here is that the good guys usually win... against the odds. In this, there are some many good guys... and only a few bad guys. Hopefully there is moe against the good guys before the end,


I agree the protags have it a little too easy in the beginning in this one.


Quoted Text
I love the final battle and the percent montage aand, good ending.


Thanks. This was hard but fun to write.

GARY
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stevie
Posted: December 26th, 2009, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gary, have just finished reading this. You have really put in some hard work on this, so good job.
Look, I have to admit, I really struggled to get into this. The first couple of scenes weren't really comedy to me, more drama than anything. i know you see this as an animation, maybe that's my prob when reading it. It doesn't come over as a comedy straight away, so it became a hard sell for me.

I couldn't really fault your actual writing, there were some nice images in there. The whole coal mites concept didn't really fire me up (no pun intended) but the final scenes were pretty good, in that the story accelerated more.
i think the prob was reading this in three stages instead of all at once, like I usually do. Xmas Day interrupted me a bit.

Hey, this challenge was a pretty big thing, and i reckon we all did well. This one just wasn't my cup of tea, but I can see the family entertainment value in it.
I would like to read a re-write as I feel you have a solid background to work with here. Cheers buddy




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stevie  -  December 26th, 2009, 5:42am
grammar fix
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grademan
Posted: December 26th, 2009, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Stevie.

Your comments are appreciated. I expected this to get the "not  my cup of tea"  comments. And it really wasn't meant to be a comedy even though I thought  it had to be done as an animation. And the coal mites could exist under certain circumstances making it hard to get to believe in them.

But glad you liked parts of it. I saw this as a good finisher.

Gary

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Brian M
Posted: December 26th, 2009, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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I think I’m with Stevie on this one, sorry to say, so I’m not sure how helpful I can actually be here. I thought this was remarkably clean for a first draft, so well done for that. I do think you have a good story here, I just don’t know who the target audience is. In my opinion, it’s too dark with little comedy to make it a kids animation, and it’s not the type of story that would have adults flocking to the cinema to see it. I don’t see where it fits. The only way I could see it working, would be to add more comedy, (example, more elf/dwarf/troll games), especially early on because this starts out as a dark drama with the house fire and aim towards the kids market.

My biggest problem was Thomas. Although it turns out he’s not the main bad guy in the end, his back story was on the light side. I wanted to know more about him, why he got coal every year, why was he on the naughty list year after year and why he wanted to ruin Christmas for everyone else. I didn’t care much for him at all, I do think he needs to be developed more in the next draft.

I liked the angle you had with the coal mite basically running the show. Cool stuff.

We know Gnarles messed up by selecting Thomas as Santa’s replacement but how was he selected? It takes a stretch to think Gnarles would overlook Thomas getting coal every year while he was selecting this replacement. I would have liked to have seen more of the selection process and Thomas and Lump tricking there way into getting the position, not just them showing up after a phone call from Gnarles.

You did well with most of your characters. Gnarles was my favourite, I liked how he walked about like he was the top man, scribbling in his book. You made me feel for Santa while he was depressed. I liked Serena to start with but she got quite annoying late on, which was strange. I can’t pinpoint exactly when this started happening for me. Bruce and Chuck were fun, but the constant kicking got old after a while and could be toned down just a little. I would have liked to see a bit of friction in Santa’s camp, with some people siding with Thomas and Lump but realising their mistake in the end and help Santa. Right now it’s too much ‘us vs them’ about it and it could help your story if Thomas and Lump use some of Santa’s own workers against him.

Well, that’s all I can think of. It’s very well written, a breeze to read, but the story just wasn’t my thing. Still, I’m sure others will get a lot of enjoyment out of this and you did make a great job of it. Well done completing the challenge on time.

Brian
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grademan
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1987Brian,

Thanks for the positive comments along with some much needed advice.

I agree on the points above, esp. the target audience quandry. Most excellent point. This originally was going to be a story about a boy who received coal and how it affected his life. Then it started to drift into animation land.

As for characters. Gnarles was my fav. I know what you mean about Serena - she went from adorable to sassy. I had so much fun with Gnarles that Thomas took a backseat.

I see this as a draft in need some major doctoring.  I am not sure I am up to it now.  

Thanks for the time and the comments. I'll be sure to read your new features coming up.

Gary
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Gary,

First off, I think that the concept of the Prince of Coal is an excellent one. Right now, I'm going to forget my notes for a moment and just do a "wing it" feeling on what I think you could do to improve on it in the sense of making it more provocative as "a read".

What I felt was that there was a kind of predictable nature going on within it as if "on cue" little Serena's house was on fire and my heart sank big time. I thought oh my goodness is this going to be some kind of horror? So the tone changed in my head right there.

What I would like to see, in hindsight, after reading it, is to see Thomas being bad FIVE TIMES OVER and thus, the coal changes and forms into a coal mite.

Show this scene first so we can develop a sense of the character of Thomas and also the meaning of these coal mites. Show these creepy little things in action...

Then, draw up the scene of them entering Serena's house present day and chewing through the wires causing a short and thus the fire.

Personally, I'm interested in Thomas as a character as I feel the story is named after him and thus is very important. I feel you spent too much time on the scenes with the trolls and gnomes and elfs. Some of it was really good because you made them like opposing factions, but maybe those aspects could be shortened and replaced by more intimate scenes involving Thomas and why he wants what he wants and he and his plotting with Lump against Santa.

Here

GNARLES (CONT'D)
Santa, remember your magic ceases to
function when the sun comes up.

I don't know. This line kind of struck me as a bit humorous. Why don't you have Santa be a bit playful and his return be like:

Santa
You make me sound like a vampire?
Get myself tucked away before the light
melts me.

Gnarles
That's the wicked witch of the west
in the Wizard of Oz.

**And maybe have Santa pull at a toy-
Twilight doll vampire saying

Santa
"I wonder what would happen if?"

Gnarles
What are you thinking?

Santa
Never mind

**What I'm saying, is it might be a plant and a testament
to Santa's spirit where he's lively and bright and tinkers
with the magic. I think that would be fun in making Santa
shown in a richer kind of light.

**When Serena spies Santa and then dialogues for the first
time with him, I expected to see a real reaction and an
awestruck excitement from her. That spot was flat.

**Mrs. Clause sounded robotic to me here

>MRS. CLAUS
Come on, Santa. Get it out.
And then here,

>MRS. CLAUS
--Let's talk about this when you wake
up, Santa.

When I made that comment, I asked myself why.

I think part of it is that Mrs. Clause shows no reaction whatsoever. To hear this news would cause a great stir in Mrs. Clause's heart, I would think, but first she says, to get it out and then she says to talk about it in the morning. The two statements contradict each other.

*In Serena's dialogue here

The scar has healed.

I think instead:

I've healed. I have a scar.

*I love the elves who were Bruce Li (Bruce Lee) and Chuck Nervous (Chuck Norris)

*Here in Santa's dialogue

>SANTA
Well, to be honest. I need a break
from the little hooligans.

*I don't think it's ringing true and in line with the reason Santa took the nose dive into depression in the first place.

Here

>SERENA
What about the children?

I got a kick out of that line.

Like I said, my general feeling is that the concept of this is really good. I would like to see less fights amongst the factions and more work with Thomas and Santa.

If Santa were more proactive somehow too, I think it would be good. Mrs. Clause I think came off as too uncaring and didn't help Santa at all. She just took off to teach skiing lessons.

My advice is to go to work with Thomas. Maybe make him a doubting Thomas and give him a specific reason for moving to the bad side.

The ending was solid. I like the north/south!  

Sandra







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Dreamscale
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OK, Gary # 3 of the 7WC’s for me.  I’m very, very impressed with this.  Actually kind of amazed that you conceived this, put it together, and got it in this form in 7 weeks.  Very, very good!

I took semi page by page notes, which will follow.  Pretty clean script, actually, and that’s another HUGE plus for me!

I’ve read the other reviews and I’m shocked at the negativity. This works in just about every way, IMO.  Characters are all rock solid.  Action is engrossing.  Scenes are well established.  Story is well thought out and thought through as well.  Attention to detail is top notch.  Also, I really liked Serena. She was cute, cool, and a solid character that will be great onscreen, IMO.  Not sure what’s annoying about her.

It hits on many different levels with me.  I think it offers a wide range of audience what they’re after.  Kids will be engrossed and amused with Santa and his minions, as well as Lump (who is an awesome character, BTW!).  And adults will have lots to enjoy as well, as there is a solid story here with lots of laughs that adults will pick up on.

Only a few issues I’ll bring up…

I think Thomas needs to be intro’d earlier and who he is (and what he wants to do) needs to be clearer.  In the end it all makes sense, but I think it just needs to be brought up earlier so we know as we watch, what’s going down and why.

Same deal with Lump and the coal mites.  I wasn’t too sure what the deal was with them until it was all explained late in the script.  If this was made more clear early on, I think the whole thing works much better.

The Battle – This was the weakest point for me, in terms of writing and the actual confrontation, and that’s too bad, cause it has the ability to be great.  It needs much more detail, IMO.  There are lots and lots of great things you can bring up here. Lots of humor can arise here.  You wrote it mostly with 1 line action lines.  It reads super quick, but that’s because there’s very little detail given.  I’d up it and go deeper. Show little battles taking place between certain characters.  Just give us more.

That’s it.  I really loved it, and you know I don’t say that very often.  Cute, funny, creative, memorable.  Worked on every level.  Hell of an effort in 7 weeks, bud!  Way to go.  You’ve really impressed me.

Happy Holidays!

Page by Page notes

Page 1 – “…while waiting for GNARLES GNEDWARD GNOME, an old gnome to finish his pre-flight checklist.” – awkward…what are we seeing in this sentence?  How old is “old” in terms of gnome years?

“kick” – “kicks”

“Everyone laughs…” – Who is everyone?  We’ve only been introduced to Santa, Gnarles, and the reindeer.

“The ELVES join in.” – I think these Elves need to be intro’d earlier, so we know they’re there.

Page 2 – Not sure the transition to NY makes much sense here.  Is the opening scene in NY as well?  I doubt it, and if not, time has passed and there’s no need to transition this way, IMO.

I like how you’re using real locales!  Adds a great visual for this cool flying sequence.

Not too many houses with yards in NYC!  I’d rethink this…

Page 4 – I’m confused…it seemed like Serena was in the room with Santa, as they were having a conversation.  Then, without any passing time, a fire breaks out (awkwardly worded, I might add), and the smoke seeps into Serena’s bedroom, where she’s in bed.  Did I miss something here?

This whole fire thing isn’t working, based on time.  The fire spreads before Santa even feeds the reindeer, and then it’s full blown and a fire truck is already on the way, as Santa realizes what’s happening.

Page 5 – Missing “a” between “in” and “flash”

“rise” – “rises”

It’s day, but Gnarles says it’s his favorite “night” of the year.

Same thing with Santa…he says “tonight…”, but it was either last night or this morning.

General note – I don’t think you need or want to continue using “New York City” in your Slugs.  One way to get around this (and keep them all 100% consistent) is to only have “New York City” as an EXT. establishing Slug, early on.  Once you’ve done that, we know we’re in NYC.  We know Serena’s house and school are there.  It should help.

General note – this is really good so far.  Clever, funny, even heart warming and sad.  I like what you’re doing here!

Page 12 – “The Chuck…” – something’s wrong here…

“a older female…” – “a” should be “an”

Page 13 – “Several miles from Santa’s cabin.” – This is an aside that we wouldn’t know onscreen.  You either need to show us this fact or skip it altogether.

Page 14 – “Gnarles” – “Gnarles’”  (you need an apostrophe) – twice!

Page 20 – Still really good, Gary!  Really enjoying this and I’m very impressed you put this together in a mere 7 weeks.  Your attention to detail is impressive.  Your character names and characterization is all top notch.  You’ve even got a really solid story taking shape.  All praise up to here!  Great work!

Page 22 – “GNARLES' VISION OF TROLL TROUBLE” “COAL MINE” – I don’t understand these headers.  Are they Slugs?  I don’t get it.

Same with the following mini Slugs.  If time is passing, which it is, I don’t think using mini Slugs makes sense.  I’d go back to full Slugs with times.

“END OF VISION” – OK, I guess I get it now, but I don’t think it’s very clear or works quite like you were intending.

Great Flashback of Thomas and Lump!  I like Lump a lot.  Great imagination, Gary!

Page 38 – No reason for the italics around Gnome.

Page 41 – I don’t understand the SUPER “2 days”.

Page 48 – “A little girl peeks…” – This is Serena, why not just say, “Serena peeks…”?

Page 50 – “the Gnarles” – Why “the”?

Page 53 – “He picks up Gnarles and the chair and tosses them through the window. Turkiah follows.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“SUPER : 1 day” – I still don’t get what this is supposed to mean… is it missing some words?  Like “1 day till Christmas Eve?  It needs some attention for sure.

Page 54 – “dwarfs” – isn’t it “dwarves”?

General note – I haven’t noted exact instances, but I’m pretty sure that a lot of your named characters haven’t had their names mentioned by other characters, meaning in a filmed version, no one would know what their names actually are.  Know what I’m saying?


Page 58 – Funny!  Turkey…HaHa!!  Well done.  This would be good to do more of, sa Turkey is funny and kids would love it!

Page 60 – “The Zach” – What’s with the “The”????

Page 62 – “form” – “from”

The Battle(s) – Personally, I don’t like the constant 1 line action lines being utilized here.  It reads very quickly, but that’s because there’s not much on the page.  This battle will play out so much longer onscreen than it does on paper. I think you need a lot more detail here.

Page 78 – “ma” – “am”

General note – Personally, I don’t like the use of these mini Slugs for the Battle.  I’d use full Slugs with times so we see how things are progressing.  I would imagine this is a lengthy battle.

Page 82 – “…an large, calloused hand.” – “a”

Page 84 – “the Calvin” – What’s with all these “the whoever stuff”?????

Page 85 – you need an apostrophe in “Gnarles eyes”


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale


I think Thomas needs to be intro’d earlier and who he is (and what he wants to do) needs to be clearer.  In the end it all makes sense, but I think it just needs to be brought up earlier so we know as we watch, what’s going down and why.

Same deal with Lump and the coal mites.  I wasn’t too sure what the deal was with them until it was all explained late in the script.  If this was made more clear early on, I think the whole thing works much better.

The Battle – This was the weakest point for me, in terms of writing and the actual confrontation, and that’s too bad, cause it has the ability to be great.  It needs much more detail, IMO.  There are lots and lots of great things you can bring up here. Lots of humor can arise here.  You wrote it mostly with 1 line action lines.  It reads super quick, but that’s because there’s very little detail given.  I’d up it and go deeper. Show little battles taking place between certain characters.  Just give us more.

That’s it.  I really loved it, and you know I don’t say that very often.  Cute, funny, creative, memorable.  Worked on every level.  Hell of an effort in 7 weeks, bud!  Way to go.  You’ve really impressed me.



The beauty of several critiques that match up is that the author can weed out comments that ring true for themselves as well in hindsight and work to correct them if possible. And anything's possible, right?!!! Sure it is!!!

Gary, regarding the bringing in of Thomas and the coal mites earlier--

If I'm thinking that and Jeff is thinking it and whoever else, then maybe that's a good plan. I definitely felt that it would be a nice creepy image for the beginning that would juxtapose, (love that word) against the Christmas. It would draw people in immediately.

Also, I want to let you know now that The Battle, was a weak point for me too, but I thought it was just me being a woman and so I didn't mention it and also because I thought that it would look good on screen probably, but not necessarily on page as is usually the case with action. However...

Like Jeff says, maybe you could really add interest to the read and dig deeper here. Perhaps you can turn the usually boring action scene that lands on the page as "boring action on the page" to something more.

You know what? I think I know why it's dry here. Because it's just a war and nothing more. Sorry, I actually never meant to rhyme there.  

The best action scenes are probably built with one important character in danger and they are being protected or there is the element where someone is trying to free someone else. It lends a higher importance.

One thing I will mention that I was thinking about mentioning, but I chose not to, but I will now.

The label of:

The Battle--

Was a turn off for me. Not because it's bad if we're churning it out and we're writing on demand and that's the way it is and so just do it. I agree with it in that case, but--

If we're writing for an enjoyable read, which I know, is a completely different animal, then I think we should lose that kind of thing. It all depends though, I know, but I just wanted to offer that up.

Sandra



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Dreamscale
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Agree with Sandra here 100%.  I also hated the "Slug" "THE BATTLE".  It was weak, and kind of odd even.

Also, as Sandra said, I'm sure, onscreen it would be great, but for the read, it was really weak, and I don't see any reason that would have to be the case. It was by far teh biggest scene in the script, so it should also be one of the better "reads' of the script as well.

Big scenes can be tough to write, but I know you can improve on it HUGELY.

One of the few quips on this excellent script.


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Brian M
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I've read Jeff's comments and feel I need to add why I started to find Serena annoying in the second half of the script. I should have explained this more in my first post but I'll give it a shot now.

To start, I felt so sorry for Serena, during the fire, during school when the kids bully her by calling her "Serena Scar Face", right through to when she met Santa again and asked him why he didn't open her letter. Until this point, she was cute, adorable even, the perfect character for this script. Then she started to get to me.

I recall a few lines, one with Serena standing with her hands on her hips saying something like "It's not my fault Santa's such a sad sap". I didn't like this line, didn't find it funny and didn't think it would be something that this cute six year old kid would say.

Another example would be the conversation about how they knew Santa would be at Serena's house, I think it was Mrs. Claus who mentioned this and Serena replied "Duh!". Again, not the kid who I enjoyed reading about at the start.

The last thing that annoyed me was the amount of questions she asked. I know six year olds tend to be curious and ask a lot of questions but that did play a large factor for me. "What's a coal mite? What does it do? " etc... I know you need to get this information out but Serena's character did suffer slightly having her ask every other question which needed an answer.

I'll make myself clear, for 95% of this, Serena worked perfectly. There were just moments where she was getting on the wrong side of my nerves.

Also, I don't understand Jeff's comment about being "shocked at the negativity" . I don't recall anyone being overly negative. I mentioned at the end of my post that Gary did a great job with it and I was sure others would get a lot of enjoyment out of it, it just isn't the type of story I would go to the cinema to see. I'm sure this could work as a kids animation, it just needs more comedy moments as things are pretty deep, especially early on. It by no means needs a complete rewrite, I don't recall anyone saying that.

I hope that clears things up.

Brian
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Brian, here's what I'm talking about negative comments...

There are so many piss poor scripts that receive nothing but praise from literally everyone who reads them...it never ceases to amaze me.  This was an extremely solid script in all regards, and the fact it was put togther in only 7 weeks is just amazing to me.

A few reviews basically started off by saying "it wasn't for them".  There's nothing wrong with that, but based on how well this was written, conceived, and put together, I was shocked that those comments would come out, well so many other peices of crap receive nothing but false praise.

I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone, either.  Guess it's just the way it is.


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grademan
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Sandra,

Thanks for the read and the thoughtful  comments esp. re: the dialogue. I did have one draft where Thomas's prank and intro of Lump was first and I chose to go with Santa opening. I felt the Thomas opening would have made the movie too much about Thomas which... it... was supposed to be. Grrr.

Glad you liked Bruce and Chuck. I kept asking my two kids what they should be named. Finally, my son (14), tall with a bit of teenage slouch, suggested Bruce and Chuck. Eureka!

Mrs. Claus does need a bit more depth or at least clarification of her motives (same thing I think). By having her leave I was trying to show Santa's increasing desperation when he took the deal from Thomas. But having her leave was intended as a tough love intervention. Notice she didn't go to a sunny place to get away from Santa. Whatever, it needs clarity.

The battle scene was wrritten and rewritten and finally, I said "let it be." I will definitely see to this when I do a rewrite.

Thanks again,

Gary

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grademan  -  December 28th, 2009, 2:24pm
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grademan
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Jeff,

Thanks much for the encouraging remarks.

I thought after Cumbara was well received in the October OWC, I'd try to do a full length animation. I'm happy with the response so far.

The reason for the "the Calvin" and "the Zach" was the characters were previously idenitfied as the reporter and the old dwarf so when I finally gave them a name and used find & replace on my editor -- I thought I had got them all.

Sluglines allways get me in trouble esp when I use short ones. I may just swear them off.

This was my first script done using Movie Outline instead of Celtx. Very nice.

Gary
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JonnyBoy
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Hey Gary! Feedback, as promised. Sorry for the delay - hope to finish and comment on these scripts by the end of next week.

My overall feeling is that I liked this. I wouldn't go as far as Jeff (who you seem to have completely won over) and say it blew me away, but I definitely enjoyed it and can see a lot of really good things here. The main ones, obviously are the characters - which are brilliantly imagined and vibrantly brought to life - and the story itself. However, I think at the moment, the way you are telling the story is holding it back. I'll explain what I mean in a sec.

There are two things I want to talk about - the writing, and the structure of your story.

1. WRITING

The worst writing comes at the start of this, which is unfortunate because it makes it harder to get into the story than it should be. From the moment the story reaches the present day, the writing is a good deal better, and the script becomes an easy read. But there are problems at the start which I think you need to be aware of.

Your main mistake is to not give us a full picture of what is going on in a scene through your action lines, meaning there were instances in which someone spoke and I was jolted out of the read by a head-scratching moment where I went "Huh? Since when were they here/there?" For example, on page 1 you have: "Santa laughs. The ELVES join in." This was confusing, because they had no mention up 'til then, and yet your use of the definite article made me think I'd missed them. Same thing happened a few pages later when Serena jumped from being in the lounge to in her bed. In both these instances I had to go back and re-read the action lines to see if I'd missed something; stuff like that takes you right out of a read. Like I said, later on the writing got easier to follow, but it still wasn't entirely clean - there's a moment on page 67 where Serena suddenly speaks, but there's been no mention of her in the scene up 'til now.

The other writing thing I wanted to mention concerns your use of SUPERs. I just didn't really like the way you handled them, from the exclamation mark in "This year!" to the confusing "Two days"..."One day" business. Even the first one, the very opening to your script - "Last Christmas Eve" - is slightly awkward to me. I think you need to look at them again; someone else commented on them, I think, so it's worth considering.

2. STRUCTURE

It's not often I'd say that a script was missing a voiceover, but here I think a little intro and 'ex-tro' (or something) from Gnarles might work well. Have you seen Elf? Then you know the kind of thing I mean. This is a festive family animation, after all, so I think you could get away with Gnarles leading us into the story, ending by saying the title ("...and he was called, The Prince of Coal" - the words fade onto the screen). That's not the main point I wanted to make, just something to bear in mind.

Your main problem structurally is the way you reveal vital plot information. At the moment, much of it comes as a confusing surprise, rather than a welcome answer to a question that's been bugging us up till now. Let me be more specific:

- Thomas is, I think, introduced too late. He's the main antagonist (at least, for most of the story) and one of the most important characters. I think the flashback sequence where he meets Lump should come much earlier - at the beginning, if possible, although I understand that would need some shuffling around to make that happen. Thomas' secret plan - to deliver coal to every child in the world, thereby getting his own back on Santa - is a really good idea, but it is revealed almost in a throwaway line, when I think you should make much more of that moment.

- Likewise, I really liked the twist that Lump was the main villain, but you didn't make enough of it. I think a scene earlier in the script where we are given a brief hint that Lump might be pursuing his own goals might be a good idea. Lump is a great character, and would look really good onscreen, but I think the sudden revelation of his secret agenda is too out-of-the-blue and underplayed, ATM.

------------------------

That's it, really. Your story is great, but I think if you make more of those big 'reveal' moments, and have a look again at parts of the writing, you'll improve the script by quite some way. You've had some good feedback on this, and I'd like echo the positive comments by congratulating you on putting together such an enjoyable, imaginative story in 7 weeks. There's re-writing to be done obviously, but the great thing is that you've got a script that's WORTH re-writing, and a story that demands that you do it justice. Congratulations, and good luck!



Guess who's back? Back again?
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grademan
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Thanks JB,

Great comments. I was esp. pleased that you liked the characters. The story telling can be improved in this as you and several others pointed out. I appreciate the specific examples you pointed out. I am amazed at how much my fellow SS members see in these things that I don't see. Good stuff.

This was my first feature script since starting here in March so it's nice to hear it has potential. I'll let it stew for about a month before I tackle it again.

For me, telling a story that can be followed - with a few hiccups - was key.

Gary
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greg
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Hey Gary,

This one was just okay for me.  I think your story and concept is gold, but execution is where this one fell a little short for me.

First of all, this script was very imaginative.  You took all of the main players of Christmas and then some and meshed them pretty well into their own world up there in the North Pole.  You got Santa and Mrs. Claus(who you refer to in action as Mrs. Claus, Mrs. C, and Jessica. Pick one and stick to it. I'd simply stay with Mrs. Claus), the gnome who I felt served as a "third in command" and then you have all the other guy who help out with the whole Christmas process.  I liked that you involved everyone; trolls, elves, dwarfs, but the problem for me was that there was way too much focus on those guys and not enough on Thomas and Lump.

Bruce Li and Chuck Nervous(lolz) was funny the first time, but even some of their time can be cut, as can the time with the others where they're just playing around.  When Thomas is finally introduced and revealed as the bad guy, I didn't feel that enough backstory or relevance was given to him.  Why is he such a bad guy?  Why has he ALWAYS been such a bad guy?  What did he do as a child to earn the five pieces of coal?  I would have liked to see much more of his motivation.  And also, maybe I missed this, but why was he selected by Gnarles?  I mean, selecting a replacement for Santa is kind of a big deal, so what was the process?  Maybe show Gnarles interviewing applicants or something.  You could draw a lot of humor from that.  Also, maybe show Santa's fall into his brutal depression.  Maybe show him losing it during the summer months and just how the fire was eating up at him.

The second half kind of dragged for me.  The battle is a cool idea but it was just a bunch of creatures bashing each other basically.  It didn't really engage me that much.  Dialogue was okay in some parts but I think could use some more wit in others.  You got off Santa's depression well, but even when he chose to fight back I didn't get enough of a hero's feel out of him.  It was just eh.  Gnarles and Lump were enjoyable all around and the supporting cast also were pretty fun from the trolls to the elves to the dwarfs.  I would have liked to see a tad more of Serena toward the end.  Her and Santa wrap things up at the VERY end, but maybe before leaving just involve Serena a little bit more.

Some typos here and there too.

So overall I didn't dislike it but didn't like it as much I could have.  I think it's a good, fun story and pretty imaginative and I think rearranging certain things and flipping a few others around will greatly benefit this one.  I have no doubt that a future revision of this will be rockets.  Plus all this in 7 weeks?  I tip my hat to you.  Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything was unclear.

-Greg


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  January 3rd, 2010, 7:53pm
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grademan
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Greg,

Thanks  for your read and your thoughtful comments. I am pleased with the feedback I've received on my first script so far. Your comments re: focus are spot on. There is room for improvement.

The bit with the different names for Mrs. Claus started out as a reveal that Mrs. Claus first name was Jessica but that didn't work out. Mrs. C. was used after she got back from Vail to indicate a tougher person like Mr. T. Your point was welll placed except for when Santa is talking directly to her. I don't call my wife Mrs. Grademan when talking with her.

Also, the selection of Thomas was lacking in clarity. What I meant to portray, was that Thomas called at the right time per the plan and only days before Xmas when Gnarles and Santa was desperate so no formal interviewing was done. Good suggestion to have interviewing though.

I willl take all your comments into consideration when doing my "rockets" rewrite.

Gary
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mcornetto
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Not too shabby a job at all.  I liked it.  That prince of coal with a coal mite thing was a pretty clever idea.  And Gnarley was a clever character.

The story moved along at a quick enough pace (most of the time) to keep the attention of the children (for whom it was obviously written).

My first criticism of it is going to be about several heavy-handed references, it's ok to have them there but they kind of made me wince.  The first was the mention of ground zero and the second was the bit about Santa's magic being in honor of Jesus.  Again, I think I can understand  why you put them there but I would have preferred it if they weren't there.

Second criticism...this involves characters - while some of your characters were very good - Gnarley, Mrs. Claus, The Trolls, and Thomas w/coal mite wasn't bad.  I thought Santa himself, The Dwarfs, the Elves and Serena needed a little more spark to make their characters come alive.  Sorry, but I can't really explain exactly what that spark would be, but to me it was missing.

Third crit...Many scenes had a bit of excess wiggle room - I would do a general tightening to make sure things move at a fast  (and therefore short attention span) pace.

Last one...The story was exceedingly clever but I think you need to define it a bit more up front.  I would want to see that coal mite foreshadowed before the fire.  If you did do that then I must have missed it.

Also I would like to know more about Thomas up front.  Especially since he is going to redeem himself we need to know a bit more about him.   If he is going to be a puppet villian then his dependence on the mite should be more pronounced.   We should know his plan possibly even before Gnarley hires him.   Since he is sort of the title character the script needs to be more about him.

Anyway, that's all I have tho say about it right now.  Very good work though, you are fast becoming an excellent screenwriter.  

    
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grademan
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Thanks MC for the wise words of advice. Different bits from different folks will make for a better script. I must admit, I fell in love with my script and am loathe to make any real changes to it. Hopefully, after a month away from it, I'll be able to do the deed. But this is my draft so I guess now comes the hard part: the rewrite. I digress...

I esp. appreciate the comments about heavy-handed comments. I never thought fo them that way but have to agree with you. I'll add some sparkle (I have some in my desk drawer   ) to the characters, And, yes, the Thomas and Lump backstory needs to be better told. Tightening will be done.

I used the outlining technique we learned in Thief to put this one together. It took me five days of messing around to satisfy myself I had a story.

Gary
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I think you did a really good job with this one. Especially for such a short time. Is it draft 12? Wow, you spent a lot of time on it.    

As good as this was, I believe it still needs some work. The basic story is there, but it could do with some more meat to it. You have lots of white space on the pages, which is good. However, a lot of your action paragraphs are broken up a little too much. What I mean is things like this.

Monger laughs as he picks up the irate gnome.

Monger sticks out his tongue and takes a lick from the snow cone.

Gnarles grabs his hat and wipes the troll drool off.

Although nothing technically wrong with that, I do believe it made this script appear longer than it really is, story wise. I bet this script would be at least 5 pages shorter if not so liberally spaced between the lines.

The story itself was good and I think you had some colorful characters with great names. One problem here though, to me at least. was their dialogue which is pretty much the same for most of the characters except for the trolls.

My biggest problem with this script was the tone. By that, I mean what audience is this intended for? Although it's not bad at all, it needs to be kicked up a notch or two IMHO.  I know it says family movie, animated, but to me it needs to be more. As someone who's raised 3 kids, I have sat through more animated movies than I care to remember.  Maybe that's why I don't like them at all anymore? With your script, again IMHO, this script is not cute or cool enough for kids nor funny/ witty enough for the adults. Please don't take that the wrong way, your script is good, but you need to appeal to the kids more so the movie can keep their attention and at the same time keep the parents from falling asleep. Think about all the animated stuff you've seen. Cute animals or people as main characters that are very nice characters with hearts of gold. Often does something brave and saves the day. Characters that kids can identify with. Characters they wish they could be. I'm not sure who kids would identify with in your script. I'm guessing Serena which would mean she's not on screen enough to be the "hero". For the parents, it's okay to write over the kids heads. Often, even in Disney films there's a lot of darker, current events or racy jokes even. Never any bad words of course, but there needs to be something that keeps the parents entertained.

I loved the title except for that's not really what the script is about...

All in all, I think you did a good job, but you need to kick it up. Hope any of his might help.

Pia  

PS. I'm not a spellmaster, but I didn't see one single typo!!!


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grademan
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Pia!

Thanks for the read !  You caught me on several very good points.

-- This did take quite a few drafts to get this far
-- Audience /tone
-- Short action lines
-- Doesn't pop with the characters or dialogue

Kick it up is advice I hear with my scripts. I am going to have let it fly on my next one. I have to loosen up! I think it's all that buisness writing at work has poisoned my spirit.

I am still not sure what to do for a rewrite: start from scratch or adjust as I go. Another month and I'll know.

Thanks again.

Gary

A little different from your slasher so thanks for changing gears to read this.

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  January 9th, 2010, 10:30pm
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ajr
Posted: January 14th, 2010, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

I know I'm way late to the party on this, but since you read one of my shorts I wanted to re-pay the read...

First, let me say that this is amazing work for 7 weeks.  I think you said somewhere that you did four re-writes?  That's four in 49 days.  It took me almost 4 times as long to re-write my feature that many times.

So, having said that, we of course must critique what we have. I think you did an excellent job in creating a Christmas "world" of your own. I love the distinction, and the interaction, between the dwarfs, elves and the gnomes. Heck, someone may put up money for this just for the back-end merchandising!

As for the story, I think it suffers from two things, one of which was already mentioned: first, not setting up Thomas properly (mentioned earlier), and second, not having enough jeopardy in your third act.

As for the former, I was confused when Thomas suddenly popped up.  We need to see him ingratiate himself into Santa's and Gnarles' world a bit more, otherwise it's too fantastic a coincidence that the person responsible for Serena's accident actually becomes Santa's replacement.

As to the latter, as I was reading this, it reminded me of a full-length version of one of my favorite Christmas specials "The Year Without a Santa Claus" (yes, the one with Heat Miser and Cold Miser). If you haven't seen it then do yourself a big favor and watch it before you re-write this.

In it, Santa also loses his Christmas spirit, and it's up to two elves and a boy to save Christmas.  The differences are that (a) it's only an hour show and (b) that once Santa is convinced of the "magic of Christmas", the problem is solved.  I think that in your third act, that's where it ends for me - I'm not sure that once Santa is "cured of his blues", so to speak, that you have enough jeopardy left.

Is there a good enough reason he decides to go through with giving the magic to Thomas?  Once Santa is re-invigorated, can't he just take Christmas back? In other words, Thomas does not have any authority to usurp at that point.

Also, as someone mentioned earlier, I agree that the tone of this needs to be monitored closely. You have a bi-polar Santa and a little girl who calls Santa a "sad sap", so I think you stray a bit from the family-themed Christmas special arena (which is okay with me; I think "Bad Santa" is one of the funniest movies ever made).

Maybe explore putting Santa in a jeopardy that's less of his own choosing?  This way he's forced to give the magic up, and thus Thomas becomes more of a threat in the end, and when Gnarles finally discovers his secret, they'll be a bigger payoff?

Overall though, as I said, I really enjoyed the way you created your own world and invited the audience into it.  I think the premise is solid and the execution could be re-worked into a story that hits on all levels.

Great job - AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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grademan
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Thanks AJR!

The read is considered paid in full and then some. Excellent comments. I agree with both of your major concerns: Thomas needs to be introduced earlier (like scene one!) and Santa may be a little short of motivation in Act 3. I'll watch the TV movie you recommended. I vaguely remember it.

I never thought of a marketing angle on this so that was cool to hear. Just goes to show you, we can't anticipate how our script will be taken. Thanks for noting that!

Actually, I knew I was taking a risk posting this G rated script. Then I got such helpful suggestions from the readers at SS.

Thanks again!


Gary

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ajr
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Gary,

My pleasure.  Also I forgot to compliment you about the good message you send at the end of the script, where Serena starts the fund against the coal in the stocking. Nice touch.

I was thinking that, depending on what the tone is and how political you want to get in the re-write, that Santa and Serena could meet with President Obama - underneath a sign that says "the cleanest coal comes from the North Pole"...     (-:

And if you do something like that, just make sure that you walk the line with Serena so that she doesn't go from precocious to bratty!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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grademan
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Thanks AJR!

The charity idea came while I was thinking what needed to be in the epilogue if the dwarfs were to have a good life after the "No coal for kids" rule was in effect.

Your "clean coal" idea is cool but may be a tad over the top. One of my reviewers above said to watch out for heavy handed references. So I'd be leery of including  a trip to see the president.

Thanks again for the read and suggestions.

Gary
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ajr
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Hey Gary,

I agree - I thought it was funny though because it rhymed...  (0:


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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grademan
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AJR --

I just finished watching the DVD "The Year Without Santa Claus." One good thing about Netflix is you can obtain vintatge recordings you can't find elsewhere. The song "I'm Mr. White Christmas" is still on endless replay in my brain.

Thanks for the suggestion to watch this. You're right, once Santa is over his depression/sickness, he's back in the game - no questions asked. I'll have to think about that one for my third act. I do need to have real jeopardy in the third act.

Thanks again for the suggestion!

Gary
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ajr
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Gary,

Glad I could help, and yeah, as you probably now know, that's what I had playing in my head as I read your script.

As long as you iron out the Thomas thing and the jeopardy in the 3rd act I don't see why you couldn't get this at least as a straight to DVD, and with the marketing angle as I mentioned earlier.

Good luck with it, and I would love to see what you do in a re-write - AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Hey, Grademan...

Finally got around to this last week.  Everything has been said, and I can add no value to you.  So just a few thoughts.

I think the gnomes, elfs, and dwarfs stole the show at the beginning of this.   To be honest and maybe you intended it to be that way.  Fair enough. Thomas definately came in too late in this one as well.  I thought you did very well with the majority of the characters in this... but I can't put a finger on Thomas.

The biggest thing too me, I saw was that battle scene.  Yea, I know you spent a lot of time on it and tried hard but still needs some work too.   I'm sure it's something you'll  look at if you ever do a re-write.

The writing was crisps and I thought the structure was fine.   I thought also, your title was perfect.

I hate to say this, but it's not my kind of movie, and it doesn't have too be for me to read it.   Especially, sense it seemed liked you had a fun time writing this one.

So congrats of finishing the challange.

Ghostwriter


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grademan
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Thanks GW for your time and input.

I always read your reviews of other's works - always informed and fair. I haven't started the rewrite yet. Maybe in a month or two. The battle will be hard for me to rewrite. I did work hard on it. Oh well, not bad for the 7WC!

Gary
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Hey Gary,

The holiday season is upon us, so I thought I'd give this a read.
I just finished the first act and thought I'd share a few thoughts.

I am amazed at how clean this first draft is, sooooo much white on the page.
Personally, its a bit too spartan for me, but it doesn't detract from your story.
This is a pretty fluid read and I rarely got tripped up by anything at all.

I have only two significant gripes with your first act.

1) I don't buy Santa's depression over Serena. At all.
    Perhaps if she was killed or something, I could see it.
    Mrs. Claus seems a bit too quick to throw her hands up about it for my taste.

2) Your script is called "The Prince of Coal".
    We don't meet him until the end of the first act.
    It feels like your story is really getting started when we meet Thomas.
    You definitely need a prologue with Santa getting sad, for sure.
    I'm excited about Thomas and looking forward to the rest of the script.

Kohl and Lump are neat, I like showing Lump's origins.
This pair is more interesting to me than the trolls, dwarves, gnomes and elves.  
I hope there's lots more of them to come in the story.
Thanks for the post, I'll be back with more when I can!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

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Electric Dreamer  -  November 20th, 2010, 1:38pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 20th, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

Banged out the second act of the script this morning.
I must say again, this script is a very fluid read.
Your technical muscles are really flexing well here.

The second holds up pretty well, I read through it pretty fast.
I'm still struggling with Santa's depression, I'm just not feeling it.
I keep thinking to myself, there must be something in his childhood or something.
You know? Some bad blood between him and Kohl's family or something.
What made Thomas so bitter towards Santa? Are there hang ups related?
I like your story structure so far, but I'm hungry for more character motivation.
Thomas isn't such a big villain yet, hoping he's gonna cut loose in the third act.
I was expecting his t.v. interview to be much more over the top for some reason.
Thomas does kinda remind me of Kevin Spacey's character in Fred Claus just a bit.
And that character's motivation was a big reveal in the third act.

Here are some scene specific notes on the second act:

p. 33 Did I miss the nomination process for Thomas somewhere?
        I think its important to show that to develop Gnarles's character.
        It would demonstrate his earnest attempt to help save Christmas.
        He's genuinely interested in helping, but makes a bad decision.
        A flaw like that to redeem gives him a nice character arc. Just my two cents.

p. 34 NPOL made me laugh. Very witty.

p. 38 Kohl's interview felt tepid and the hooligans line with Santa felt weird.
        He's never sad a bad word about kids before, kinda outta the blue there.
        I was expecting Thomas to be all moustache twirly here, he was pretty sedate.

p. 39 Grief counselors for the children. I chuckled at that, very cute.

p. 40 Santagate, oh you, being all silly and funny. I like it.

p. 50 No Serena's letter? Aww, really? You build it up, I was ready for it.
        I thought for sure there would be words of inspiration in there.
        I hope it comes back later or something, to motivate Santa, etc.
        I tend to disconnect a bit from stories that build me up, but don't pay off.
        It's a trust thing for me, I trust you to show me what you build.
        Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset, just a tad disappointed you held that back.

p. 53 Thomas's big plan is to give all the kids of the world coal?
        Why does he want to punish the children? I thought his beef was with Santa?
        I'm not feeling Kohl's hatred or resentment, did he come from a broken home?
        I still don't understand how Thomas was wronged and became bitter.
        I don't get the bad seed vibe much, so I assume he has a chip on his shoulder.
        I'm very interested to find out what that chip is in the third act.

p. 57 In sleigh or in the way. Great line, inspirational. Want more like that. Kudos.

Looking forward to the third act.
Will report back after the weekend.
Keep up the writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 21st, 2010, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

Read the third act this morning.
I enjoyed all the effort you put into organizing your climax.
I like how things came together and you wrapped it up nicely.
My earlier issues still hold in the third act though.
Thomas still feels like a very thin villain to me.
He doesn't have much back story, but I like his redemption scene.
I'm kinda on the fence about Lump assuming the main villain role.
It justifies some of Thom's weakness, but I didn't find it all that satisfying.
I really want to know why Thomas was such a bad kid.
If it wasn't his fault, he was tricked or something, it makes his redemption better.
Heck, I could even see him sacrificing himself to save Christmas in the end.
I enjoy the elements you put together here, I was just looking for more of an arc.
I also didn't understand how the magic transfer work if Lump duped Thomas.
I laughed lots at the Santa bipolar joke.  

This is good stuff and I think it will be exceptional with a character polish.
Thanks for the upload and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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grademan
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Hello  ED.

Thanks for dusting this one off.  You've been very busy reviewing stuff.  Let me know when I can turn the favor.

Santa's depression is not convincing
Thomas is introduced too late. All characters should be set by the 10th page.
Thomas and Lump were my favorites too.
Thomas was not nominated for the job, he called Gnarles at the right time
I will include job interview process next time
the television interview was tepid and needs to be kicked up
sorry about Serena's letter, it will be there next time
Thomas was mad at Santa for coal for five years, it will be clear next time
I tried to wrap it up nicely, thanks for noticing
in order to be redeemed, you must first be a real prick

I'm glad you enjoyed the humor.  You pick out the right spots for improvement.  I appreciated your review. I will definitely consider your suggestions for the rewrite.  Which hasn't started yet.

Gary

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
Hello  ED.

Thanks for dusting this one off.  You've been very busy reviewing stuff.  Let me know when I can turn the favor.

Santa's depression is not convincing
Thomas is introduced too late. All characters should be set by the 10th page.
Thomas and Lump were my favorites too.
Thomas was not nominated for the job, he called Gnarles at the right time
I will include job interview process next time
the television interview was tepid and needs to be kicked up
sorry about Serena's letter, it will be there next time
Thomas was mad at Santa for coal for five years, it will be clear next time
I tried to wrap it up nicely, thanks for noticing
in order to be redeemed, you must first be a real prick

I'm glad you enjoyed the humor.  You pick out the right spots for improvement.  I appreciated your review. I will definitely consider your suggestions for the rewrite.  Which hasn't started yet.

Gary



Hey Gary,

Thanks for the quick reply.
I appreciate the nod on the reviews I've been posting.
I firmly believe in reading others the way i want to be read.
I've enjoyed, Pitch, Cumbara and this one and look forward to your latest effort.
If you'd like to look over my short for starters, please feel free.
I always welcome the opinions of fellow members on my work.
If you're a real glutton for punishment after that, I have a feature linked as well.
Keep writing and don't let the coal mites bite!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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