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I have a not so great short called paper dreams that was written way too quickly. I'm rewriting at the moment as it's slated for production in October. I'll give you some feedback on your script when I have it finished. Kudoson the title-certainly an attention getter!
Congrats on completing a feature length script, its no easy task! Overall I like the tone of this script. I'm just not entirely sold on character motivations. I'd like to see more meat on Charlie's bones. Perhaps see him as a charming waiter. Perhaps if Charlie displayed some people skills before he losses his job. I feel I would root for Charlie more if his desire to be a publicist was tied to Taylor. She's so enamored with stars he wants to get into that to be closer to his family. I'm already liking Charlie better if he's doing this to be a better family man. Julie can be a jerk, I'm fine with that, but let's make her a more honest one. I'd feel better about her if she was more abusive with Charlie, but he kept at it. "I'll be just using you until I get back in the limelight, is that ok?", kinda stuff. It reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker and Steve Martin in L.A. Story, that vibe. You will have room for that if your two leads meet before half way through the script. Less Julia versus Violet scenes...unless...they square off on a reality show together! The repeated scenarios got a bit stale in the middle of your story. Violet would be more fun for me if she was all peaches and cream to the camera. Then the claws come out when the spotlights is off, no more beauty pageant mode.
p. 30 NY Post no friends joke. I LOLd. p. 60 The hit and run didn't work for me. Maybe a stalker plot there? p. 72 I chuckled at the Steve Tyler fans, nice touch. p. 74 Julia throwing herself at football players made me cringe. p. 84 The walk like a cowboy line made me choke on my tea. =p
Good stuff, I think you can enhance it with some compassion and biting honesty.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Thanks for reading and posting your feedback. It means a lot to me.
I agree with what you are saying. The characters will be redone, and quite a bit will change when I start the rewrite. I have a good idea of what I'm doing which should certainly fix the issues mentioned.
An older post, but it sounded interesting so I gave it a read. This is my first full screenplay I've ever read (minus Shakespeare in grade school if that counts) so I will try to focus on my impression of the story and characters and leave the technical comments to those that know.
I think I'd like to see Charlie with more class and wit that is just an always-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time person. Right now, he seems more of a bumbling idiot (as seen in the restaurant). He is the hero, I wanted to like him a lot more that I did.
Julia - I didn't like her at all. I was hoping to see her integrity slowly improve as the story went on. I thought that I had when she was at the birthday which made the ending all the more awkward for me.
Nobody that lives and breaths by their blackberry/droid/iphone leaves it on the table. As soon as I read that I thought 'no way'.
Just my $0.02, but through the entire read, I kept thinking to myself how this story and characters seemed they would feel more at home in middle/high school than Hollywood. Just a thought.
At the end when Julia leaves with the annoying friends and Lloyd, I was hoping it was all just a scam to 'escort' them out of the VIP area. I pictured her walking them to the entrance, giving the bouncer a look, then about face and walk right back to join Charlie. If you wanted to really show her 'growth' yet still show her bad girl roots, have her pick pocket Lloyd and steal the cell phone instead of him forgetting it. Then she could saunter up to Charlie, hand him the phone, give him a wink, live happily ever after.
I hope my comments help and would love to read the rewrite when you are done. You could have something here.
And thanks for popping my screen play reading cherry!
"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." - Blazing Saddles - Jim AKA The Waco Kid 1 completed, 2 more under construction:
I haven't been around here often and I seem to have missed this post.
Thanks a lot for reading and posting your thoughts. It really means a lot to me, especially as this was your first script read here. I'll respond to a few points...
Julia's arc will be better in the new draft. I want people to believe she could be a better person, but I would still like to keep the ending where she leaves Charlie. I know people are split over this, but I'm convinced a happy "Hollywood" ending would not work here. Fame hungry people like Julia never change, that's the point I'm trying to make.
Charlie's character will be completely rewritten. He has to be as he is mentioned in nearly every post as the biggest problem.
Thanks again for taking the time to read. Your comments are very helpful. I'd be glad to return the favour, PM me the name of your script on the boards and I'll be happy to give it a read.