SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 23rd, 2020, 7:35pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Publicity Whore Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Publicity Whore  (currently 4878 views)
Don
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14280
Posts Per Day
1.97
Publicity Whore by Brian McCluskey - Comedy - Dumped by her football star boyfriend, a washed-up reality TV star will do anything to get herself back on the front pages again, even hiring a wannabe publicist who only wants to impress his celebrity-obsessed granddaughter. 95 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Brian M
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Thanks for posting, Don! Very quickly too, less than 24 hours by my count. Great work!

This is my attempt at comedy, sort of a spoof on celebrity life nowadays. I hope everyone who gives it a chance enjoys it. As always, I'm open to exchanges in any genre, just message me. Thanks again!

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 36
stevie
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3414
Posts Per Day
0.78
Good stuff Brian!   You know my thoughts on this from the private read, so i won't comment now. Maybe later when some people have read it.

But i highly recommend this script!

Cheers stevie



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 36
ajr
Posted: April 26th, 2010, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1484
Posts Per Day
0.37
Brian,

So I'm reading this at work, and just wanted to tell you that the first 30 pages went down like an ice cold beer on a Summer's day, man...

Easy, breezy read - and I am a notoriously slow reader when it comes to features.

I'll check back with you Wednesday-ish - enjoying it so far!

Anthony


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 36
Brian M
Posted: April 26th, 2010, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Stevie,

Again, thanks for reading and e-mailing me your thoughts. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Anthony,

Thanks for reading. Do you have anything new you want me to check out?

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 36
jackx
Posted: April 30th, 2010, 5:33am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
248
Posts Per Day
0.06

I think youre missing Lorenzos name over his dialog on the first page.
Charlie kinda comes off as a one punchline joke pretty quick.
Also violet goes from bored to asking "where do I sign" within a couple lines.  Yea I know hes name dropping, but "still.
Charlie deciding to be an agent is a little hard to buy.
Julia stalking the paparazzi as they stalk violet is a little repetitive. We get the point already, Violets hot, shes not.

Read up to p45ish.  Well written, not having any typos or issues like that.  The problems I had were with the joke being a bit repetitive.  We get it, Charlies a loser, Julia's desperate.  But you show these things the same way a half dozen times before they meet.  Need some new and creative ways to show they're desperate losers.

Also there's got to be a better way for Charlie to end up an Agent.  I could see him just blurting it out to someone, maybe violets agent when he bumps into him, just to try to regain some dignity.  Then he starts actually trying to do it, etc.  Or he tells him joking, who then mentions it to julia, she believes it and charlie kinda goes along with it.  
Obviously thats a bit awkward, but hopefully you get what I mean.  Him being like "oh I was born to work with celebrities!" totally randomly was a little hard to swallow.

Julias oblivious dialogue was pretty entertaining.  Vegeterrier...  That wouldnt be so funny if it wasnt sadly believable...

In any case I'm sure I'm just starting to get to the real action of the story, but its past my bedtime.  Good luck with it.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 36
TheRichcraft
Posted: April 30th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.06
The constant scenes where Julia gets upstaged by Violet got a little old.  But the script itself was funny for the most part.

It would have been more funny if Julia had used a taser on the bouncer at the bar.  A friend of mine who was a bouncer got tased, and the people stampeded their way into the club.  He's now doing another job and was glad that he didn't get shot or stabbed.  It took all my will power not to laugh at that story.

I didn't like the ending.  Julia turning out to be a scumbag who didn't learn her lesson, and there is no way that Lloyd would have forgotten his blackberry.

Try rewriting this script and make it funnier.  Don't do the Violet upstaging Julia bit so much.  Have other celebrities upstage her instead in the wildest ways.  Maybe have even D-list celebrities do that to her.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 36
Brian M
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
jackx,

Thanks for reading! Good spot about the missing name above the dialogue. I must have deleted it by mistake in my last minute revision.

I love the idea of Charlie wanting to become a publicist a different way. It's something I thought about for a while but couldn't come up with anything. I like your suggestion, or I could come up with something like Lloyd running into Charlie again after the disaster in the restraunt, have him do something that makes Charlie want to get his own back on Lloyd, then becomes a publicist. It's something I'll definitely think about.  

Thanks for reading. I will read Unpowered and Hard Case sometime this week, or if you have anything new, just send it my way and I'll return the read.

TheRichcraft,

Thanks for reading. I like the idea of a stampede into the club but I'm not sure where Julia would get a taser.

As for the ending, I didn't think the typical Hollywood ending where Julia would learn that being famous isn't important would work here. I still wanted a happy ending for Charlie, but I thought Julia's actions would be pretty close to what would happen in real life. Most celebrity assistants would probably tell you that they only care about themselves.

I like the suggestion of D list celebrities upstaging Julia. Obviously, I can only afford to throw in one or two and make them very minor characters or I'll run the risk of having too many characters. I'll have a think about this.

Again, thanks for the read. Do you have anything up on this site that you want me to look over?

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 36
jackx
Posted: May 3rd, 2010, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
248
Posts Per Day
0.06
FYI, in some states civilians can buy tasers for about 80 bucks, depending on how fancy they go.  Not sure if Cali is one of them, but AZ definately is.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 36
adrew6677
Posted: May 6th, 2010, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
It took me awhile to read this but I have finished it. I liked it overall but there was something bothering me and I think I have figured it out. Charlie to me is not intresting enough, He seems boering at times. I know as A comedy depth of a charicter is not always needed but in this situation I think there are times that it makes the script, at least read a little slow.  The ending also threw me off I didn't care for it. I think it is knd off anti-clamatic. I did injoy this script though, defently worth reading.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 36
adrew6677
Posted: May 6th, 2010, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
o I forgot to include what I liked, sorry. I SOUND like a downer. My favorte part of your script is the subtle humor. It dosn't attack you. Know a days a lot of the big commides are going this way. Good job
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 36
_ghostwriters
Posted: May 6th, 2010, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1099
Posts Per Day
0.26
Brian M...

I've been reading a lot of comedy features for some reason and don't know why?  It's not my forte.  What I find funny, others don't.  What they think is funny, I don't.  Others who have commented thinks it's very funny, so fair enough.

So page#42, Charlie and Julie finally get together.  Almost half-way into the feature.  Personally, I would brought them together sooner, maybe by page#30.  But that's just me.  This is your script, so fair enough.

I have to agree, is it feasible how Charlie decided to become a publicist, of course, will it work, absolutely, but... if it were me, I'd probably take a different route... and it would probably start at the restaurant... you know when Charlie meets Lloyd for the first time.  

I'm thinking off the cuff here;  During their inter-action, Lloyd showing his arrogance, looking down on Charlie the whole time and at some point, he says, " You don't have what it take to be a Publicist," or something along these lines.  And of course Charlie he ends up getting firing or quitting still and go from there.  Just something else to look at.

Charlie... he's likable enough charatcter but there's not too much too him IMO.  I just didn't see it.   I think he could be flushed out more.  To be honest, I found him very boring.

Other then Taylor and Nikki, none of the other characters are very likable.  Not Violet, Lloyd or Julia.  Maybe that's the way you intended, fair enough.  A lot of celebrities in hollywood are like that.

What I least liked about,"Publicity Whore," was the ending.  I can't put my finger on it yet.  But it played out like you wanted... so fair enough.

Like I said, there were a few lines that grabbed my attention;  page#18, the conversation between Nikki and Charlie.  "You need contacts... and I don't mean eye contacts"  Funny, I thought.

page#34, His inter-action with the Gay Man too.

Just a few thoughts for what it's worth.  It was a very quick read and flowed nicely.   Clearly, you know how to tell a story.  Very evident.  This is not the type of movie I'd ever go see... but it doesn't have to be for me to read a particular script,  I learn something new everytime.

Like a said, nothing made me laugh out loud but it was entertaining though.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  May 9th, 2010, 4:32am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 36
grademan
Posted: May 7th, 2010, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.21
Hey Brian,

General --

Nice title. It goes well with the story on multiple levels. The writing was good, dialog okay but the plot and characters were in need of some pizzazz. A little up the ante type action.  Read fairly quickly, no confusing parts.

Character –-

Characters were one dimensional though that may fit with the Hollywood setting. Charlie acted like a dolt and came off as younger than his 49 years. Charlie didn’t convincingly change throughout and Julia’s transformation was short-lived. Though the brief transformation is probably okay given the success of celebrity rehabs.

Violet was too much like Julia.  I disliked both. I never felt that Julia was likeable or capable of being human. I cannot think of a thing that was different about either character. There wasn’t an obvious point of crisis for either Charlie or Julia. Sure, it’s a comedy but they work best when you feel for the characters.

The character I found most interesting was Officer Williams complete with attitude and spitting lisp, though her comment about illegal aliens and Negros seemed a bit off key. I liked Nikki also. Her daughter was a little too sweet.

Plot –

I liked how you put this together but the riffing on Julia and Violet got a bit overdone. And a more definite subplot might be helpful. The ending was cute and it tied back to the opening scene with the Blackberry but could have been more interesting – say an appearance by Lorenzo at the restaurant seeing Charlie in his orange suit on the phone? Or maybe Lloyd returning for his Blackberry? Maybe not.

The first scene for Rear Enders was very funny.

The story did read like a comedy. Just needs a push.

Hope this helps,

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 36
Brian M
Posted: May 8th, 2010, 4:01am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
adrew6677,

Thanks for reading. You're definitely not alone with your opinion of Charlie. I will have a look at his character for sure. I see your point about the ending and, again, some other readers feel the same way. I'm still not sure that going for the Hollywood style happy ending would work here. Still, it's something I'll look at again.

Do you have anything posted you'd like me to check out?

Ghostwriter,

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and post your comments. I can see the problem with Julia and Charlie meeting after page 40. I will try and bring this back to the page 30 mark or thereabouts.

I've had a think over how Charlie would decide to become a publicist and I agree, using Lloyd as Charlie's motivation would work much better. Right now, the Julia vs Violet scenes take up most of the pages and that is a problem. This could be what is hurting Charlie's character and making him appear boring. Giving him a clear goal to get his own back on Lloyd could go a long way to fixing that. It could also make the ending a little more satisfying. Thanks for pointing this out.

Small comment on the other characters. I did intend for Lloyd, Violet and her friends to be unlikeable. I think in Hollywood today, most celebrities or anyone with power would only care about themselves. Nikki and Taylor should be likeable enough, or I hope they are or I've failed miserably. I intended for Julia to go through a brief change then screw Charlie in the end. Again, another celebrity who only cares about herself.

You're not alone with the ending. I am noting everyone's comments on this because it appears to be a major problem. I'm still not convinced a happy Hollywood ending, where Julia doesn't screw Charlie, would work. I don't believe celebrities like her and Violet are capable of changing into better people. Maybe they are, I'm not sure. If I change it, I fear people would complain it's too predictable. I will be interested to hear what others have to say about it.

I'm glad you found it a quick read. I do realise this may not be everyone's cup of tea but if it reads quickly and is entertaining enough... that will do me.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Do you have anything posted so I can return the read?

Gary,

Huge thanks for reading and posting your thoughts. I'm glad you liked the title. It's something I agonized over for hours. I went for this as it's easy to tell what the story is about before you even read the logline.

Charlie looks to be a HUGE problem here. I will work on his part more. While Violet is intended to be a complete bitch, I think I've missed the mark with Julia. For the ending to work, I need to convince the reader that Julia is capable of changing. Having her act exactly like Violet would not be good at all. Thanks for pointing this out.

The Julia vs Violet scenes will be cut back. I'm going to explore the option of another subplot. Nice suggestions for the ending. I will have a think over these.

Again, thanks for your thoughts. If you post anything new you want me to look at, just give me a PM.

Brian

Revision History (1 edits)
Brian M  -  May 8th, 2010, 10:23am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 36
ajr
Posted: May 14th, 2010, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1484
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey Brian,

Okay, so I hope I don't do you a disservice in commenting after I read this in multiple sittings, but unfortunately this is the only way I can get features done nowadays.

First off, I loved the ending!  More on that later - just wanted you to know it up front in case you're caving to the consensus.

So your writing style has improved dramatically, and it was pretty good to start with, so big kudos on that. A lot of white space and a rythym and a pace to everything, which was good.

There were some genuinely funny moments as well - my favorite was when the one photog knocked the camera out of the other guy's hand just before Violet appeared.

I agree with everyone that Taylor and Nikki are the best drawn characters, and I think you should mine the Charlie/Taylor relationship for more emotion.

A few suggestions:

Agree with everyone as well about Charlie. He's given to us as a bumbling waiter and that's the only setup - we don't have any other information about him. We know he's a young grandpa and he loves his daughter and worships his granddaugther - but I think we "know" it more than we feel it?

Since Julia is the unlikeable one, and I believe she should stay that way, we must really get behind Charlie and root for him. Maybe he's a failed actor himself? Maybe he moved to LA years ago after doing serious theater and the biz ate him up. So he waits tables, but buried somewhere deep he has a yearn to be around the business and the smallest of talents for schmoozing people, just waiting to be awoken.

I think becoming a publicist to impress his granddaughter is fine, although it does feel like too much of an "aha" moment and not enough like something that has built up or sprouted from a former seed planted.

I also agree that Julia and Charlie get together too late. Probably should happen 10 pages sooner.

Also, it seems at times like Julia and Violet were the only two celebrities in town. Wherever Julia was, Violet was there to take the spotlight. I think this caused the script to sag a bit at the end of the second act and in the beginning of the third.

Maybe introduce the fight scene earlier? Maybe the second act could end with this, and we can see Julia gradually re-ascend while Violet battles her and tries to maintain control of her top spot. Someone mentioned earlier that this could benefit from a subplot and I think that's a good idea as well.

As for the ending, I think you made a wise choice, since it's obviously not a rom-com, nor would we want Julia and Charlie to end up together. Her actions are true to her character. And you made a great choice with Charlie getting the last laugh.

As for tone, I think you were maybe a bit in the middle here on whether you wanted to make this a commentary about celebrity status, or make it Charlie's movie. I know you're talented enough to go either way with this, so I would just be cognizant about theme in future drafts.

The last thing I'll say is this - I'm not sure you really defined the true 'celebrity power couple' in a quarterback and a non-winner of a reality show. I'd be curious to know who you modeled Julia and James after - my guess would be David Beckham and Victoria (something - I know her as Posh). Only a few sports stars in America would be deemed half of a power couple - A-Rod and Tony Romo are two of them - and that's only because they dated Madonna and Jessica Simpson, respectively. So I'm not sure an American audience would buy into the hype over this pairing, since it's James that's providing the celebrity juice.

Nice writing job, very professionally done, with some genuine humor and good prospects for being a really nice departure from the usual formula comedy.

Good luck with it!

Anthony

p.s. the whole "azzbook" thing and getting "spidermanned", though funny, is a departure in tone and might singlehandly get this an "R" rating?


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 36
Brian M
Posted: May 14th, 2010, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Anthony,

Huge thanks for reading this. I'm glad it wasn't a waste of your time. It's a MASSIVE relief that you liked the ending. I was starting to believe I was the only one who thought it worked.

Some excellent suggestions, too. I really like the idea of Charlie having the seed buried deep in his head because he was a failed actor in the past. This is something I will definitely work on as Charlie's sudden decision to become a publicist isn't working for me.

The idea of Violet trying to regain her top spot is also a very good one. I'll explore this more for sure. If I bring the scene where Julia and Charlie meet back 10 pages, bring the fight scene back, I will have more pages to play with to make this happen.

I see what you mean about the James/Julia releationship. In Britain, footballer's wives or girlfriends are in the newspapers every day. My own mother doesn't watch or take any interest in football but she could name most of their girls to me because of the pages they get in all the papers/magazines everyday. I wasn't sure if this was the case in America. This is something I'll need to look at.

I can't say I modeled them on anyone in particular. Bits and pieces... yes. I had Victoria in mind with Violet's skinny body. David Beckham, not really. I just thought star footballers would have lots of media attention with their girlfriends in the USA as they do over here. I actually had Anna Faris in mind when writing Julia's character. I don't know why. Violet's attitude is based on a "celebrity" over here called Katie Price, or Jordan (her model name), a former glamour model who is always in the newspapers, brings out a new book every few months etc. Everyone hates her, yet they still buy her books and I still have to skip past the page with her ugly face in the newspaper every morning, something I'll never understand. That's what made me want to write this, in a way.

Agree about the R rating stuff. I added in a lot of language at the last minute as the early draft I sent to a few people had nearly no curses at all. I don't want to push it too far though, so I will look at this again.  

Thanks again for reading and posting your thoughts. Some things in there I will definitely be looking to do. I have a lot to think about. If you write anything new that you want me to look at, give me a shout.  

Brian (still delighted you loved the ending!)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 36
TheRichcraft
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.06
Brian, you can read my scripts for Legion of Super-Heroes, Genesis and Revelation, and my Hawkins and Dover series.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 36
Brian M
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi. I will start reading the Hawkins and Dover series tonight or tomorrow and post when I'm done. Thanks.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 36
irish eyes
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 12:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1658
Posts Per Day
0.43
I had planned to go to bed after 20 pages, but your script kept me interested til the end.
It was an easy read, not over complicated, with grammar and format both excellant.
It wasn`t laugh out loud, but definately gave me a smile or 2.
I agree that  the Violet/Julia scene was overplayed and maybe a few more characters thrown in would help.
The ending took me surprise which was great, i was expecting a hollywood ending, so it was a great twist.
Overall nice concept, good writing and an enjoyable read


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 36
Brian M
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
irish eyes,

Thanks for reading and posting your thoughts. I'm glad you thought it was an easy read, that's half the battle. I'm also delighted that you liked the ending. That has been a sticky point for some but I'm still convinced it's the right way to end things.

I will give Life of Riley a read and have some feedback for you in a few days. Thanks again.

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 36
irish eyes
Posted: May 29th, 2010, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1658
Posts Per Day
0.43
It`s all very well to write ` and they all lived happily ever after` , so its very refreshing to see the good guy Charlie, get a` kick in the ass` at the end, because in real life, it`s the more likely outcome.

Keep writing Scotsman


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 36
Grandma Bear
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6898
Posts Per Day
1.48
Brian,

this will be a very short review. I read this over Memorial Day, but then our A/C unit completely died and I went into panic mode. It was 96 outside and extremely humid. In other words I never wrote down my would be comments and the following is what I remember from then. My apologise (don't know why I can never learn how to spell that word) for the subpar comments.

First off I want to congratulate you for writing a good script! I mean that! I thought your writing was very good. The script was a breeze to read, few typos. I spotted only 3 or so. Very clean and it flowed well.

I liked your story and you kept increasing the stakes.

I thought it was pretty funny. Some visually funny stuff and dialogue too.

There were only a couple of words that stood out for me that screamed "a non American wrote this". Like SITTING ROOM and FOOTBALLER. We just call them football players or soccer players and sitting room is usually a living room. No biggie, but I thought I'd mention it.

Okay, now onto what didn't work for me... My biggest problem here was Julia. I agree with the other comments that Charlie doesn't have enough presence here. I liked him he was fine, he just needs to be better developed. I thought the story was going to be about him, but he takes a backseat to Julia. The problem with Julia is that she's not really that likable. She's an unpleasant publicity whore who gets what she wants in the end. That doesn't leave the right taste in my mouth if you know what I mean. I was, however happy to see Charlie having something good happening to him, but Julia didn't really deserve a break IMHO.

Other than that, be proud of yourself. You did well!

Pia  

PS. No need to read anything in return. I probably owe you anyway.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 36
Brian M
Posted: June 10th, 2010, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Pia,

Thanks for giving this a read, I really appreciate it! I'm happy that you found it funny and liked the story.

I still struggle with the English/American words, it's something I'm working hard to fix. Thanks for pointing them out.

You are right about Julia. In the next draft, Charlie will have a bigger role so it's not just all about Julia as it is right now. While I was hoping Julia would come across as unlikable to start, I wanted her to become more likable as she spends more time with Charlie, especially when she takes the time to go to Taylor's birthday party as a thank you for everything Charlie done. I wanted to show that she was capable of change, to act like a normal person and not some celebrity with a big ego so the ending has more of an impact. I see that more work needs to be done for it to come across this way.

While it was always the plan for Julia to leave Charlie at the end, I understand the problems you have with Julia walking away with everything she wants. I think I need to hint more towards her fame not lasting because of another new reality star or something so everything's not going to be so great for her. I'll need to have a think about this. Thanks for pointing this out!

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read and post your thoughts. If you want me to read over anything new from you, get in touch!

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 36
Grandma Bear
Posted: June 10th, 2010, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6898
Posts Per Day
1.48
I think Julia just need a better arc. The ending will work if we like her by the end and feel happy for her. She learned her lesson so to speak. She became a better person. I also thought one way of helping that a little bit would be for her to really be disgusted by the dog, but then bond with it. Make the dog her most important thing. There's no love story in this script. Why not make that in the relationship between her and the dog?  And obviously I don't mean that in a beastiality kind of way.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 36
Brian M
Posted: June 11th, 2010, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Excellent suggestion about the dog, which I think could really work here. I don't think I want people to like her in the end though, her actions in the current ending I think would be what someone like her would do in real life. Celebrities only care about themselves, so I'm told! It's a tricky one because some readers have hated the ending, and some have loved it. I want to show Julia's character changing for the better as the script goes on, only to be kicked in the gut by her leaving Charlie in the end. Obviously I don't want her to get everything she wants after doing something like that, and I'm glad you brought it up as I'd never even thought of it that way before.

The dog would really work showing the change in her character, though. Brilliant suggestion. Thanks again, you have given me a lot to think about.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 36
Heretic
Posted: June 22nd, 2010, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1815
Posts Per Day
0.30
As I go:

Page 1: “Footsteps.  Moving quickly.  Running.”  This is a really awkward way to start, in my opinion.  Do we hear the footsteps?  Or do we see feet?  “Moving quickly” and “running” seem a little redundant.  
Charlie Barton sounds like Charlie Bartlett.

Page 3:  Julia is overdone.  The excessive stereotyping will make it hard for people to engage with the film, which is not how you want to start your movie off.

Page 4:  I’m not sure if we’re supposed to like James – I’m thinking we are – but I wouldn’t have him say “retarded”.  That’s a word for uncouth and disrespectful people, and I don’t think that’s what James is.  Or are they both jerks?
How could James stand being with Julia for as long as he did?  We need to see a reason for this.  The argument makes no sense.  Has he just suddenly realized that she’s a terrible person?  Why not replace this scene with a real argument about something that’s important?  Then we can identify with their breakup.

Page 8:  Hee hee!  That Miley Cyrus gag is excellent.  

Page 9:  So is Charlie always like this?  Or was he just having a bad night?  This is something which could be established in the very first scene with him running.  I’m assuming he’s always like this…in that case, how has he lasted at the restaurant?  Or has he not been there very long?  This is also something which should be addressed.  I feel like there may not have been enough thought put into the world of this script – as writers we are responsible for not just what happens in our story but everything that happens before, after, and off-screen during the story.
“Horde” not “hoard”.

Page 11:  I guess James and Julia are both jerks?  I think we should see that in the first scene then – it reads as though James might be a reasonable guy (except for that “retarded” thing I suppose).  It seems to me you could have a lot of fun with a fight between two self-absorbed Hollywood jerks.  I think that first scene needs to be pushed.  Give the actors something to have fun with.

Page 12:  I guess we’re identifying with Julia here?  She’s supremely annoying.  I always enjoy the story of the thoughtless rich person redeemed – I assume that’s what’s coming – but we have to see that they had something to them in the first place.  So far Julia’s just annoying.  This is why Material Girls, for example, with everyone’s favourite Duff sisters, was so totally ineffective.  

Page 15:  “Sheer” not “shear”.
The fact that Nikki sided with the kid makes me strongly dislike them both.  Can’t Nikki make Taylor give the classic a chance, and then Taylor act like a bored little brat until Charlie changes it back out of frustration?  What kind of a mom let’s her dumb little daughter watch The Hills instead of a classic?  Not one we like…

Page 16:  Reasonably inappropriate conversation to have in front of the kid, no?

Page 20:  “In slow motion”  Not your call.

Page 23:  “Retard” again.  I find the use of that word extremely distasteful, and again it does not appear to have a point.  Even if they are jerks.

Page 24:  25 minutes in and Julia hasn’t shown she has a soul yet.  I’m done with her.  And she hasn’t even met Charlie yet!

Page 26:  The wrist slashing joke seems a little dark for the mood of the script so far.

Page 28:  Another huge dialogue scene with the paparazzi?  We’re losing forward momentum here.  This exact scene just happened!

Page 30:  “Two MEN make out. Two WOMEN who look like men hold hands.”  I would avoid the “who look like men” bit.  It has the potential to sound a little incorrect on a subject about which people can be very touchy.

Page 31:  You’ve been good about unfilmables but partway down the page you’ve got “Her feelings hurt…”
By the way, a big part of the problem with Julia’s story is that she has no forward momentum.  Since the first scene she’s just been wandering around acting like a narcissistic jerk.  If she were at least actively trying to accomplish something, it would be easier to engage with her story.  But she’s just walking around not putting effort into anything, and all her scenes are the same.  We get it.  She’s fallen from grace.

Page 33:  Yes!  Hilary Duff!
“Whose” not “who’s”.  You’ve done this twice now.  Candice’s sentence structure – “in whose trash” – doesn’t fit her; it’s too proper.  People like her say “Whose trash did you blah blah blah in?”
See now there’s someone who can say “retarded”…a character we love to hate who’s too stupid to know how offensive that is.

Page 37:  This is a scene between four people I hate.  I want it to end.  These four characters need to be rewritten into people we can stand to watch.  Even the shallowest people have some depth, some personality – find it in these characters, at least Violet and Julia.  Otherwise, why would we want to watch them?  What do we have to identify with?

Page 39:  Finally!  These two need to have met, like, 15 pages earlier.  Your first act is incredibly long and it has no reason to be.  The information you need to get across is:
1)     Charlie is a loser with big dreams who can’t hold a job and lives with his single-mother daughter.  He decides to become a publicist;
2)     Julia’s a shallow celebrity dumped from the spotlight who wants to get back in;
3)     Julia was dumped by her jerk boyfriend James for a woman named Violet who is also a jerk.

How can that have taken this long to set up?

Page 40:  Julia saw Slumdog Millionaire?  

Page 41:  It’s really obnoxious of Nikki to attempt to sabotage Charlie like that, especially if he’s trying to get himself out of the house.
Taylor wouldn’t ask “Where are the rest of your clothes” if she’s wrapped up in celebrity culture, as we learned in the earlier scene.  Why are they here in the first place?  Wouldn’t they have agreed to hide?

Page 42:  Julia has spent roughly 900% of this movie crying.

Page 44:  If there’s going to be crude humour like this in the script I would recommend setting that up at that start.  It’s been a little unclear who the target demographic is here but if you’re gonna take it into ‘R’ territory here you might as well get some use out of the rating earlier.  It’s just surprising when it comes out of nowhere (I think there were a couple little things earlier, but nothing in-your-face like this Assbook business).
Does Julia have any money?  No money?  Lots of money?  This should be covered earlier.  She’s had enough money to get wasted a couple times…

Page 45:  It’s hard to say if you’re playing with a movie cliché or just brazenly using it, but I’m leaning towards the latter.

Page 49:  I’m guessing they agreed on the panty flash then?  That’s no good.  I thought Charlie was going to stick to his morals and teach Julia to be a good person and how to try to get ahead without being shallow or pandering and Julia would eventually become more successful by doing things the right way.  If that doesn’t happen then all of your characters are jerks.

Page 51:  Why is Violet everywhere?  Kinda stretches the bounds of credulity.
What is the point of watching Charlie and Julia team up?  The idea behind characters teaming up is that they each have a special set of skills and abilities that not only allow them to get ahead as a duo, but also end up teaching the other person something about themselves.  So far these people are both equally incompetent and acting like jerks.  They didn’t even pick a charity; they’re just trying to get her publicity?  Jerks!  These people are bad people!  Even Charlie, who I thought I liked.

Page 52:  How many times have we had to watch Violet and crew be jerks now?  They’re jerks.  We get it.  Enough already.

Page  56:  Okay.  Nearly an hour in and Julia hasn’t learned a single thing.  I’m done with her.  Charlie seemed like a nice guy but I see no moral strength in him whatsoever – nothing to like about him remains.  I have no interest in reading on because I don’t care about any of these people.  Each and every one of them is as shallow, vapid, and uncaring as the culture which this script attempts to send up – each and every one of them including the protagonists.  
For this script to be successful Charlie must be morally strong, and in being so must teach Julia to be so as well.  Otherwise, we are just watching jerks, and nobody likes watching jerks, because they act like jerks.

Too many redundant scenes.  I have mentioned this here and there in my notes above.  This is a big issue.  It takes way too long for Charlie to meet Julia.

This script is about plot, not character.  A script must always be about character first and foremost.  Who is Charlie, what is he trying to accomplish, and what about his own character is standing in his way?  Same questions for Julia.  If you can answer these questions I believe that this script will start to work.  The ideas aren’t bad, the setups aren’t bad, the plot as far as I read wasn’t bad – but this needs to be about characters that we care about.  Let’s see them interact, see them spark off each other, argue, find common ground.  We don’t want to follow a plot…we want to follow characters through a plot.  Character is first, always.

Thanks for the read!  It was fast and well-formatted, which is nice.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 36
Heretic
Posted: June 22nd, 2010, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1815
Posts Per Day
0.30

Quoted from adrew6677
I know as A comedy depth of a charicter is not always needed...


This is absolutely incorrect and a terrible thing to say on a screenwriting board.

Still, it may be interesting for you to know, Brian, that even someone with this viewpoint didn't find enough depth in your protagonist.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 36
Brian M
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Heretic (love your avatar!),

While I'm disappointed you couldn't read on, I completely understand your reasons for stopping. The characters need some serious work, especially Charlie. It's funny because everyone hated the characters in the first draft of my horror feature but the second draft fixed those issues. I hope I can get it right when I do a second draft of this.

I plan on bringing forward the scene when Charlie meets Julia at least 10, maybe 15 pages earlier.

It was my intention for Julia to be completely annoying and unlikeable to start with, but show she is at least human later on in the script to set up the ending. Right now, I realise that she is annoying the whole way through and nobody believes her "change", so work definitely has to be done here as I've missed the mark completely.

Charlie does seem to be the biggest problem, but it's something I'm sure I can fix. I've had some excellent suggestions already which I'm still thinking over.

I'm actually familiar with the Material Girls movie (don't tell anyone!), so I understand what you are saying here.

I can't argue with your comments. In Hollywood today, most comedies have annoying characters (Will Ferrell) with zero depth which focus only on the plot. I want this script to be better than that. If I was reading a comedy and the characters were bland, I would say so.

Thanks a lot for reading and your detailed feedback. It will help me loads when I get to the rewrite (after the World Cup, of course). I really appreciate you taking the time to read this, even though it didn't work for you. Do you have anything posted that you would like me to look at?

Thanks again!

Brian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 36
seamus19382
Posted: September 22nd, 2010, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Brian,

]I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this idea.  I think this is an idea ripe for getting made, and I think you're in the ballpark.

Like everybody else, I think Charlie's leap to celerity publicist is a little implausible.  This, and everythig else I'm going to say, is just my opinion, so do with it what you want.  Maybe Charlie's an older, down on his luck publicist.  He represented the first wave of reality stars 20 years ago, but now he's just down to f list, local celebrities.

Also, I think we need to get more of an idea of what it was that Julia did.  What was the show?  What did she do on that show to make her famous?  Did she do a second show?  Etc.

Lastly, your logline says he does it to impress his granddaughter, but I'm not sure that really comes through.   I think I'd like to see a little more of her.  In fact, maybe she's more up on todays celebrty culture, and she sort of gives Charlie the ideas that drive Julia's comeback.

I do like the ending.  I thnk it fits Julia perfectly.  

So this is a really good idea.  Keep working and let me know when you get another draft done!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 36
Brian M
Posted: September 22nd, 2010, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi,

Thanks for reading! I started an outline for the rewrite a while back but haven't got around to it yet. It is something I'll definitely be doing in the coming months, though.

I'm glad you like the idea, I think it could be pretty cool if made, and it's something I'd definitely go and see. I've got a lot of work to do, especially with the characters, but I think I can make it work. I'm delighted you liked the ending, I've said from rhe start I couldn't see a happy 'Hollywood ending' working for this.

I'll let you know when I finish another draft. Do you have anything else you want me to look at? Thanks again!

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 36
Eoin
Posted: September 27th, 2010, 10:46am Report to Moderator
Regular


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.15
From the title, I thought it was going to be a script on Lady Ga Ga have this earmarked for a read later this week.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 36
Brian M
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi Eoin,

Ha ha! No outrageous meat dresses or anything Gaga-like here. Maybe in the rewrite

Do you have anything you'd like me to read?

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 36
Eoin
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
Regular


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.15
I have a not so great short called paper dreams that was written way too quickly. I'm rewriting at the moment as it's slated for production in October. I'll give you some feedback on your script when I have it finished. Kudoson the title-certainly an attention getter!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 36
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.74
Hey Brian,

Congrats on completing a feature length script, its no easy task!
Overall I like the tone of this script. I'm just not entirely sold on character motivations.
I'd like to see more meat on Charlie's bones. Perhaps see him as a charming waiter.
Perhaps if Charlie displayed some people skills before he losses his job.
I feel I would root for Charlie more if his desire to be a publicist was tied to Taylor.
She's so enamored with stars he wants to get into that to be closer to his family.
I'm already liking Charlie better if he's doing this to be a better family man.
Julie can be a jerk, I'm fine with that, but let's make her a more honest one.
I'd feel better about her if she was more abusive with Charlie, but he kept at it.
"I'll be just using you until I get back in the limelight, is that ok?", kinda stuff.
It reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker and Steve Martin in L.A. Story, that vibe.
You will have room for that if your two leads meet before half way through the script.
Less Julia versus Violet scenes...unless...they square off on a reality show together!
The repeated scenarios got a bit stale in the middle of your story.
Violet would be more fun for me if she was all peaches and cream to the camera.
Then the claws come out when the spotlights is off, no more beauty pageant mode.

p. 30 NY Post no friends joke. I LOLd.  
p. 60 The hit and run didn't work for me. Maybe a stalker plot there?
p. 72 I chuckled at the Steve Tyler fans, nice touch.
p. 74 Julia throwing herself at football players made me cringe.
p. 84 The walk like a cowboy line made me choke on my tea. =p

Good stuff, I think you can enhance it with some compassion and biting honesty.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 36
Brian M
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi,

Thanks for reading and posting your feedback. It means a lot to me.

I agree with what you are saying. The characters will be redone, and quite a bit will change when I start the rewrite. I have a good idea of what I'm doing which should certainly fix the issues mentioned.

Thanks again!

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 36
dkfrizzell
Posted: February 15th, 2011, 2:46am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Syracuse, NY
Posts
46
Posts Per Day
0.01
An older post, but it sounded interesting so I gave it a read.  This is my first full screenplay I've ever read (minus Shakespeare in grade school if that counts) so I will try to focus on my impression of the story and characters and leave the technical comments to those that know.  

I think I'd like to see Charlie with more class and wit that is just an always-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time person.  Right now, he seems more of a bumbling idiot (as seen in the restaurant).  He is the hero, I wanted to like him a lot more that I did.

Julia - I didn't like her at all.  I was hoping to see her integrity slowly improve as the story went on.  I thought that I had when she was at the birthday which made the ending all the more awkward for me.

Nobody that lives and breaths by their blackberry/droid/iphone leaves it on the table.  As soon as I read that I thought 'no way'.

Just my $0.02, but through the entire read, I kept thinking to myself how this story and characters seemed they would feel more at home in middle/high school than Hollywood. Just a thought.

At the end when Julia leaves with the annoying friends and Lloyd, I was hoping it was all just a scam to 'escort' them out of the VIP area.  I pictured her walking them to the entrance, giving the bouncer a look, then about face and walk right back to join Charlie.  If you wanted to really show her 'growth' yet still show her bad girl roots, have her pick pocket Lloyd and steal the cell phone instead of him forgetting it.  Then she could saunter up to Charlie, hand him the phone, give him a wink, live happily ever after.  

I hope my comments help and would love to read the rewrite when you are done.  You could have something here.

And thanks for popping my screen play reading cherry!






"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." - Blazing Saddles - Jim AKA The Waco Kid


1 completed, 2 more under construction:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 36
Brian M
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi,

I haven't been around here often and I seem to have missed this post.

Thanks a lot for reading and posting your thoughts. It really means a lot to me, especially as this was your first script read here. I'll respond to a few points...

Julia's arc will be better in the new draft. I want people to believe she could be a better person, but I would still like to keep the ending where she leaves Charlie. I know people are split over this, but I'm convinced a happy "Hollywood" ending would not work here. Fame hungry people like Julia never change, that's the point I'm trying to make.

Charlie's character will be completely rewritten. He has to be as he is mentioned in nearly every post as the biggest problem.

Thanks again for taking the time to read. Your comments are very helpful. I'd be glad to return the favour, PM me the name of your script on the boards and I'll be happy to give it a read.

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 36
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006