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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Valuable Heritage Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Valuable Heritage  (currently 1209 views)
Don
Posted: August 30th, 2010, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Valuable Heritage by Gabriel .O. Kolapo (Mayoky) - Comedy - A loser arrogance horse-racer contestant Tony Cook is trying to gain love and happiness back to his family after he had causes much reproaches and shames for his wife Barbara and his two kids Mark and Kelly due to his persistent losing in annual horseracing competition in his city of origin in the united State. 104 pages - doc, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 31st, 2010, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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I think it's cool that you wrote a full length script however I think you should get a better handle on the english language before you go further.

The big "3rd draft" across the page is so distracting as to make each page unreadable.

So there's at least two things there for you to work on.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 31st, 2010, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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And here's a third thing to work on...that "logline", if that's indeed what it is.

Sorry, but it's downright terrible and will turn readers off before they've even opened up the script.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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sniper
Posted: August 31st, 2010, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Come on, guys, it's a comedy. I thought the logline was hilarious. Try reading it out loud using a heavy accent without pausing to take a breath.

Damn, I need to quit smoking.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 31st, 2010, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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HaHa!  Rob, that's frickin' great!  Hilarious!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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