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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Health Nuts Moderators: bert
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  Author    Health Nuts  (currently 1704 views)
Don
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Health Nuts by Jahi Adu Mbwana - Comedy - A bank computer operator is fired from his job of nearly twenty years and finds employment at a local vegetarian health food cooperative. He is not prepared for the diverse environment that's associated with working in such an atmosphere. 73 pages - pdf, format


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RayW
Posted: December 22nd, 2010, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Howdy,  Jahi

You have the basics of formatting down, so now you just need to do a little more homework on the details of screenplay format.


You're probably chuckling at that title page.
Five bucks says you didn't intend to do that.
What program are you using?

Let's dissect that first bit:


     1 A 2 very hazy dream sequence 3 in which PETER TIMBERLAKE (48 ) 4 is
        walking with a clown on a beach.  5 Peter is 2 very angry about
        something and makes lots of gestures with his hands.  The
        clown just laughs and listens.  The clown leads Peter to the
     2 very end of the beach and speaks.

                                CLOWN
                The cynic knows the price of
                everything, and the value of
                nothing.

                                PETER
             6 (his mouth is moving but
                no sound is coming out.)

                                CLOWN
                The cynic knows the price of
                everything, and the value of
                nothing.

                                PETER
            7  (pausing for a second and coming
                nose to nose with the clown.) Just
                what the HELL does that mean?

1 - Even for a dream you'll need a slug header.
     Refer to these three screenplay links to find the correct dream sequence format
          http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide
          http://www.storysense.com/docs/SPFormat.pdf
          http://www.screenwriting.info/.....lay-Formatting-Guide
2 - Delete "very".
     Very much don't use very all the time. It is very annoying to very many people.
3 - Delete "in which".
4 - Exchange "walks" for "is walking". It's shorter, and a better practice.
5 - Rewrite: Peter makes angry gestures with his hands.
     And you might wanna hit the Enter button about here to break up this action block.
6 - This is an action rather than a dialog, and certainly not a parenthetical.
7 - Another action line rather than dialog/parenthetical.


Gotta rework the whole seventy-some pages.
You'll gain lines for hitting the Enter button to break up some stuff.
You'll lose lines for economizing little things.
Watch some of the things I found on this recent project of mine.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1291072262/s-all/

You want people to read your "story" without stopping on the "format".

GL,
Ray



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