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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Tina Darling Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tina Darling  (currently 4882 views)
eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Thank you so much for the tips. This one has sat for quite a while. Now I feel like a rewrite.
Kind of hard to find the time anymore, but your comments have helped me to see that it does need a revamp.
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it and will check out that link.


No problem - glad they helped.

Character descriptions are very tough - a very trick balance between being boring and over writing. I struggle myself


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Lightfoot
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Looking for something to read atm so I'll take a look at this.

Also have a link for ya ..... https://gointothestory.blcklst.com/character-introductions-12-part-series-42070dc44a77   .... some good stuff here on character intros.
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Lightfoot
Posted: September 14th, 2017, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Up to page 40 so far.

error page 14

TIM (O.S.)
I don’t care if God is coming for a
visit. There’s no excuse for that
kind of behavior. I’m sure that
Brown won’t tolerate that kind of
incompetience either.

These are a couple of nitpicks I have ....

page 21 TINA
(to herself)
I have to go see Mister Brown and
explain the mix-up.

I never really liked characters talking to themselves while saying something obvious, we have a good idea of what she is going to so kinda feel like this line isn't really needed.

Page 22 JAYNE
That’s my boss, but he’s gone for
the day.

Thinking maybe a one-liner will work better here. Sounds odd having her state that he is her boss, just saying he is gone for the day will work.



I really enjoyed her shopping scenes, got a few laughs in those.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 16th, 2017, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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More valuable comments.
I do appreciate them as I do plan an overhaul on this one and my other screenplays, too.
Glad you got some laughs in the store.
Thank you for taking time out for this script, and let me know if I can return the favor.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: September 16th, 2017, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy, I'd like to give this a read, should I wait for re-writes or check it out now?
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 19th, 2017, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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What ever you'd like.
The rewrite may take a while (40 plus hr work week, and too many doctors lately).

I appreciate it.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Lightfoot
Posted: September 20th, 2017, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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page 37
Why does the doctor drop to the floor? Or do you mean that he angles the mirror so that it's showing the reflection of the floor and not his face?

Page 39 ( James' home scene)

Maybe try and find a little conflict to go here, I understand it's mainly a chance for Tina to get her job back, just seems too simple to me.

I like Tina's "big head" comments at Shannon


page 44
TIM
What are you trying to insinuate,
Tina? Have you been poking your
nose in places that you shouldn’t?

Insinuating sounds better than "trying to insinuate" Insinuating already suggests your hinting at something. Trying to hint at something just sounds odd.

Page 48 - not sure you need another scene heading, the scene didn't really
change.

error page 49
GINA
And if they think I’m going to let
either of them break my mother’s
heart, they’ve got another think
coming. They’ve both got to go.


Not sure what all the pranking was about, didn't really amount to much. Perhaps I missed something.

Odd that he takes Shannon out to lunch in front of Gina, after she just
yells at him for flirting with her.

page 89
JAYNE
The walls have ears

Why would Jayne take them to a place where they can be overheard? Is there people that could be in on the whole scam or is she just being extra cautious?

page 96
TINA
Right fist out! Windmill!

This gave me a good laugh.

All in all this was a good story, but have to agree with Eldave that there's a few moments throughout where the dialogue seems a bit on the nose, but this can easily be fixed in the re-write. The comedy is certainly there though, I enjoyed the jabs that Tina gave others, simple but effective. Not too sure about the raincoat bit though, that may be a little over the top but could also just be me.

Good job with this.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Lightfoot  -  September 22nd, 2017, 10:49pm
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 23rd, 2017, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Andrew,
Thank you for taking the time to give this a read and give me your thoughts. You have given me some ideas.

The doctor dropped to the floor from her scream. I'll work on that scene.
The girls were just acting up with the pranks, showing "big head" that they didn't like her messing with Gina's stepfather.

The restaurant scene/ walls have ears, it is a place that they knew well, but I have thought out a way to make that work better. Thank you

Glad you liked the girls kidnapped scene. I grew up watching The Three Stooges and I guess some of their characteristics rubbed off on me and came through in my writing.

Thank you again for the read and let me know if I can return the favor,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Cooper
Posted: October 3rd, 2017, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Okay Cindy, just finished this. Emailed you page by page notes. Here are my (very subjective) overall thoughts.

I know you've been working on this story over the course of years. The formatting is great and there was only one typo that I spotted (Which is noted on page by page).

With that said, my concern is that maybe you've gotten too many story notes over the years. The story doesn't feel as tight and connected as it should, as if things were added to serve this note or that note and not the story. Ultimately you have to decide what really matters and cut the other stuff.

I think if you want to take this screenplay to next level you have to really get down to the core of what do you want this story to say. What are you trying to leave the reader/viewer with? I finished it and I'm not sure.

There were scenes that I liked and scenes that I didn't but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You have to decide what matters and refocus every scene so it builds to that, and chop whatever doesn't (even scenes that might be great)

Just my two cents...


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 5th, 2017, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cooper,
Thanks again. Your script was tidier, so I wasn't able to offer much feedback.
I know what needs to be done now. Not too much, but small things that need tweaking to make her journey clearer.
I'm supposed to be having a little surgery soon, so I should have a couple days recovery time away from work (so I can get some writing done).


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Don for getting the new draft up on the board.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

not sure if I commented on one of your scripts before; I think to remember there's been another script from you up here about kids gimmicks, ?joke articles? and child detectives somewhat, which I have definitely read into; although not sure at all if I gave you my feedback.

I like that you gave this one here a new try after some time passed by. It seems you feel connected to your work which is a good sign.

Then, I must say blatantly honest that I don't see your title as attracting as it needs to be to carry a dvd box or poster for a movie. Nor does your two sentence logline do the job by now (page count seems too high for Comedy too).

Short question: Which draft is this? Have you made a lot of changes compared to the last draft that was online here? Why and what? It would be great to hear something about the process...

Whatever, on a third sight on this thread I hardly suggest: change the title immediately, think about something more captivating… perhaps even go the complete other route and provoke with a "look at me" attitude kind of a title...

Anyway, I'm interested. I will give you some story feedback soon I believe, if you want me to.



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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey PrussianMosby,
If you'd like to read it, I think it would be great. This is my 3rd draft of this script. In this draft I tried to bring it more up to date and make the B story more evident.
I've toyed with the logline: A novelty sales rep is fired after learning of her nettlesome mother's plans for a two-week visit. Her fight to get her job back makes her realize that she loves her mother for who she is.
I do not like loglines...
Not sure about changing the title though???


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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"In this draft I tried to bring it more up to date and make the B story more evident."

Changing B story reads like minor changes when it's been 7 years.  The logline must bang, one sentence, pure lyrical language, fine prose, feeling, Cindy, please "write the best sentence you ever wrote",,, rewrite it.

The title is like, how can I say the title is like… trust me. I'll read



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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Lol. Like I said, I hate loglines.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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