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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Tina Darling Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tina Darling  (currently 4880 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2011, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tina Darling by Cindy L. Keller - Comedy - A novelty sales rep loses her job after learning of her nettlesome mother's plans for a two week visit. Her fight to get her job back leads her down a path to the discovery of love and acceptance for her mother. 114 pages

contest: Quarter finalist at Page - pdf, format

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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 15th, 2018, 12:28pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

Is this a new draft that's getting it's own thread or a re-post of an earlier incarnation?

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett,

Yes, this is a new draft. I've cleaned it up quite a bit, but I opened it the other day and still found some typos. Rrrrr...
What I write with doesn't have a spell checker.

I managed to iron out a lot of the wrinkles in the story in this draft.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Hello Cindy,

I went looking for my previous draft notes on the old thread.
I couldn't find them, has the thread been deleted?

This is the third pass at this script for me, and I see improvements.
I read through the first 35 pages today and will continue as work allows.
I don't know exactly what you did, but Brown and James feel less alike.
Perhaps you intro'd the thugs sooner and that's a big distinction.
I'd like more comradery between Tina and Gina. I see them as bosom buddies.
It still feels odd to me James isn't seen until act two.
A $50 bonus for five years of service seems awfully cheap.
Overall though, this does feel tighter, pity I can't review my old notes.

You mentioned a lack of a spell checker, I found some typos for you:

p. 1 fumbles blindly the clock
p. 24 Tina: It's fr from my boss
p. 31 Doctor line has errant apostrophe.

Hope this helps, looking forward to continuing the new draft.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 5th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy,

Read pages 35 - 70 this morning.
I feel like there's not a whole lot going on in the mid section.
Get into a scene as late as you can and get out as soon as you can.
It feels like most of the scenes go on for a beat or two too long.

It seems too easy for Tina to get her job back.
I just realized that Tina's hubby and boss share the same moniker.
You may want to change that, and speaking of James.
He's virtually absent in the second act as well.
I think if we saw more of Tina's home life, we might get to know her better.

I like bringing the novelty toys more into the story, I want more of that.
It feels odd we don't revisit the mother, since we start off with her.
You intro the mother visit dilemma early, but it hasn't materialized yet.
There's got to be a way to ratchet up the stakes for Tina in the middle here.

Hope this helps, I'll try to wrap this up in the morning.
Good on you for sticking with this and getting those rewrites done.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 6th, 2011, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

Finished the script this morning.
Overall, I like this better than the previous draft.
It felt like it had more of an ending, though I still want more.
It nags at me that the husband and mother never figure into anything.
We set them up in the beginning, but rarely come back to them.
And neither character adds to the plot, they feel like after thoughts.

This draft feels longer, I seem to recall earlier versions in the 90s.
I feel like there's extraneous action description throughout the script.
Putting on off coats, getting in cars, described in detail, etc.
There are actions that can be implied by what you write.
If we cut to someone starting up a car and everyone's already in it, we know the rest.
I've struggled against this problem in the past.

I really like the screwball feel of Tina, but I want to know more.
I'd love to see some high school high jinks with Tina and Gina.
If we're not going to bring the husband in more, let's up the girl power.
I feel like a relationship component is missing to enhance the story.
Tina is a ray of sunshine and I look forward to seeing where you take her.

Thanks for sharing this latest draft.

Regards,
E.D.  


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 6th, 2011, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett,

I waited until you finished with the script to answer your posts.

You said you thought it was too easy for Tina to get her job back.

Well, it was awhile, but it wasn't until after she went to see Mr. Brown. He thought she would make the perfect one to blame when the money came up missing.

You also said it didn't seem to be enough going on in the second act.

Did you mean with pranks like with the rat and fishing pole?

Why I ask that is because she loses her job, has trouble at the beauty shop as well as the store, gets her job back, spies on their boss, breaks into another office, gets hypnotized, gets caught trying to break into a house, and gets kidnapped.

I agree it would be a good idea to show more of Tina at home.
Maybe I'll do a little more.

I didn't want to use the mother again until the end so that Tina would learn after all the trouble she went through, her mother isn't really all that bad.

Thank you for the read,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Hi Brett,
You said you thought it was too easy for Tina to get her job back.

Well, it was awhile, but it wasn't until after she went to see Mr. Brown. He thought she would make the perfect one to blame when the money came up missing.

You also said it didn't seem to be enough going on in the second act.

Did you mean with pranks like with the rat and fishing pole?

Hi Cindy,

Apologies for any vagueness in my previous comments.
Looking back on them, perhaps what I'm really missing is the B story.
What's the subplot? What did Tina do wrong that she has to undo or make right?
It's those kind of uphill battles for a protag I think I'm missing.
Yes, I do like the novelty angle, it's a nice spin on the old screwball.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

Why I ask that is because she loses her job, has trouble at the beauty shop as well as the store, gets her job back, spies on their boss, breaks into another office, gets hypnotized, gets caught trying to break into a house, and gets kidnapped.

I agree it would be a good idea to show more of Tina at home.
Maybe I'll do a little more.

I didn't want to use the mother again until the end so that Tina would learn after all the trouble she went through, her mother isn't really all that bad.

Thank you for the read,
Cindy

Those events are all there, but there's a conflict missing it seems.
And I think that's it's Tina is a victim, she doesn't really bring any of this on herself.
Perhaps if she were a more flawed hero, the other things that nag me would diminish.

Hope this helps.
Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Okay Brett,

I think I know what you mean now. What I tried to do was have the office life and everything that went wrong there she was trying to fix. The other was to make peace with how her mother was, to accept her as she is.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
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I entered this script into the Page Screenplay Contest.

It made it to the top 25%, but couldn't muster enough umph to go any further.

Oh, well.

I'm thinking about writing a horror feature now. Not sure if I should create a new monster or give another ghost story a try.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
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New logline, snyopsis.

When the new girl's actions threaten the job she loves in novelty sales, Tina and the boss' step-daughter turn detective and bumble their way to the discovery of a corporate takeover.

Rubber rats, whoopee cushions, and fake dog poo have got nothing on these two girls and their hijinks when they don their super spy glasses and go undercover.

TINA DARLING is a slapstick, madcap romp. A homage to classic shows such as I LOVE LUCY and LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

TINA DARLING made it to the top 25%  at the 2011 Page screenplay contest.




Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

Revision History (1 edits)
CindyLKeller  -  February 10th, 2014, 4:49pm
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CindyLKeller
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This is a new draft.
Hopefully, I can call this one finished after I fix a slugline.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
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I seen this one has been getting a lot of reads, but there hasn't been any comments.
Please comment. I can take it.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy: I read the first ten. My initial overall thoughts on this:

1. The main character descriptions are a little pedestrian. e.g., the girl next door type, the handsome man. Find a way to tell us more about the character in the descriptions. Make them pop a bit.

Here is a link with some cool examples:

http://www.trilane.com/analysis/charintro/charintro.html

2  The script really needs to be modernized IMO. You're telling a present day story with twenty something but it seems to be set in the eighties. e.g.,

- Tina would use a cell phone alarm rather than an old fashion one
- She would use a cell phone rather than a land line and would probably be looking at text or an image from Jimmy rather than a framed photo.
- She wouldn't have an answering machine - she use voicemail.

Basically, the action just struck me as it was set back thirty years ago.

3. The dialogue was a bit on the nose for me/unnatural i n a few spots.  To my ear (or eye I guess) whenever you can see the dialogue straining to get out background or a plot point that would be short hand or unspoken between the characters

Anyway - those were the macro level thoughts - a few nit issues as I read.

- Got confused on why Alice wasn't it in the hone. She had a V.O when Tina first awoke. Maybe never mind - I guess in the first scene she's just hearing her Mom in her head. Maybe that would be clearer if this VO was:

ALICE (V.O.)
(From answering  machine)
Hello. Tina? -- You’re probably...

But again - I would make this voice mail.


Quoted Text
Large. Open. All the regular office machines.

Just inside the room, a desk holds a computer monitor,
keyboard, and a neat stack of papers.

A water cooler is situated by the back wall.

A coffee maker, creamer, sugar dish, and napkins sit on the counter next to
the water cooler.


Really don't think you need all that detail. It's just a spacious business office with one desk. Don't need to write down to the details of the coffee condiments. It kills the pace IMO.


Quoted Text
TINA
Five A.M.?


Don't need a period and question mark.


Quoted Text
TINA
Geesh. I wonder if Robert Brown is
as stressed about this merger as
your stepdad is?


Too expositional - Tina would not refer to him as her stepdad if she refers to him as Daddy.


Quoted Text
MR. ROBERT BROWN (40s)


You don't need the MR.


Quoted Text
INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - BACK TO TINA AND GIN


I wouldn't write a slug like this. Should simple be:

INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - DAY


Quoted Text
GINA
Well, happy anniversary, Tina!


I would lose the Tina at the end. People don't keep using a person's name when they are talking to them and the ! puts the emphasis on Tina!


Quoted Text
A glass door bordered with tall panes of shaded glass.
Robert reaches the door. He inserts a key into the lock and
gives it a turn.
Two thugs, STEVEN (the taller of the two) and MICKEY both in
their 30s, who look like they stepped right out of the 1950s
with slicked back hair, jeans, and leather jackets, stand on
the sidewalk and eye Robert.
6.
Robert notices them. Terror strikes across his face. He
pushes the door open and rushes inside.
The thugs shove their way in behind him.


The action sequence here struck me as a bit unrealistic - improbable. The thugs are off on the sidewalk but somehow manage to shove the way inside before Robert has a chance to close the door. You already established he's afraid so - he would do that. It might work better if they sneak up behind him as he's inserting the key. i.e., that's the ah shit moment.


Quoted Text
INT. JAMES’ OFFICE BUILDING - BACK TO TINA AND GINA


See above -  wrong slug


Quoted Text
Gina suddenly remembers something.
GINA
Oh! I almost forgot. You had a call
this morning.


How do you film suddenly remember something. Maybe go with something like - Gina taps the palm of her hand on her forehead.


Quoted Text
MICKEY
Two weeks!

That remark forces Robert to squint with confusion.


No need to reference the remark. Just

Robert squints - confused.

Anyway - congrats on writing another feature - it is a tough road - I hope these notes help in some way.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for the tips. This one has sat for quite a while. Now I feel like a rewrite.
Kind of hard to find the time anymore, but your comments have helped me to see that it does need a revamp.
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it and will check out that link.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Thank you so much for the tips. This one has sat for quite a while. Now I feel like a rewrite.
Kind of hard to find the time anymore, but your comments have helped me to see that it does need a revamp.
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it and will check out that link.


No problem - glad they helped.

Character descriptions are very tough - a very trick balance between being boring and over writing. I struggle myself


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Lightfoot
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Looking for something to read atm so I'll take a look at this.

Also have a link for ya ..... https://gointothestory.blcklst.com/character-introductions-12-part-series-42070dc44a77   .... some good stuff here on character intros.
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Lightfoot
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Up to page 40 so far.

error page 14

TIM (O.S.)
I don’t care if God is coming for a
visit. There’s no excuse for that
kind of behavior. I’m sure that
Brown won’t tolerate that kind of
incompetience either.

These are a couple of nitpicks I have ....

page 21 TINA
(to herself)
I have to go see Mister Brown and
explain the mix-up.

I never really liked characters talking to themselves while saying something obvious, we have a good idea of what she is going to so kinda feel like this line isn't really needed.

Page 22 JAYNE
That’s my boss, but he’s gone for
the day.

Thinking maybe a one-liner will work better here. Sounds odd having her state that he is her boss, just saying he is gone for the day will work.



I really enjoyed her shopping scenes, got a few laughs in those.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 16th, 2017, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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More valuable comments.
I do appreciate them as I do plan an overhaul on this one and my other screenplays, too.
Glad you got some laughs in the store.
Thank you for taking time out for this script, and let me know if I can return the favor.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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RodriguezFruitbat
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Hey Cindy, I'd like to give this a read, should I wait for re-writes or check it out now?
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CindyLKeller
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What ever you'd like.
The rewrite may take a while (40 plus hr work week, and too many doctors lately).

I appreciate it.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Lightfoot
Posted: September 20th, 2017, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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page 37
Why does the doctor drop to the floor? Or do you mean that he angles the mirror so that it's showing the reflection of the floor and not his face?

Page 39 ( James' home scene)

Maybe try and find a little conflict to go here, I understand it's mainly a chance for Tina to get her job back, just seems too simple to me.

I like Tina's "big head" comments at Shannon


page 44
TIM
What are you trying to insinuate,
Tina? Have you been poking your
nose in places that you shouldn’t?

Insinuating sounds better than "trying to insinuate" Insinuating already suggests your hinting at something. Trying to hint at something just sounds odd.

Page 48 - not sure you need another scene heading, the scene didn't really
change.

error page 49
GINA
And if they think I’m going to let
either of them break my mother’s
heart, they’ve got another think
coming. They’ve both got to go.


Not sure what all the pranking was about, didn't really amount to much. Perhaps I missed something.

Odd that he takes Shannon out to lunch in front of Gina, after she just
yells at him for flirting with her.

page 89
JAYNE
The walls have ears

Why would Jayne take them to a place where they can be overheard? Is there people that could be in on the whole scam or is she just being extra cautious?

page 96
TINA
Right fist out! Windmill!

This gave me a good laugh.

All in all this was a good story, but have to agree with Eldave that there's a few moments throughout where the dialogue seems a bit on the nose, but this can easily be fixed in the re-write. The comedy is certainly there though, I enjoyed the jabs that Tina gave others, simple but effective. Not too sure about the raincoat bit though, that may be a little over the top but could also just be me.

Good job with this.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Lightfoot  -  September 22nd, 2017, 10:49pm
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 23rd, 2017, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Andrew,
Thank you for taking the time to give this a read and give me your thoughts. You have given me some ideas.

The doctor dropped to the floor from her scream. I'll work on that scene.
The girls were just acting up with the pranks, showing "big head" that they didn't like her messing with Gina's stepfather.

The restaurant scene/ walls have ears, it is a place that they knew well, but I have thought out a way to make that work better. Thank you

Glad you liked the girls kidnapped scene. I grew up watching The Three Stooges and I guess some of their characteristics rubbed off on me and came through in my writing.

Thank you again for the read and let me know if I can return the favor,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Cooper
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Okay Cindy, just finished this. Emailed you page by page notes. Here are my (very subjective) overall thoughts.

I know you've been working on this story over the course of years. The formatting is great and there was only one typo that I spotted (Which is noted on page by page).

With that said, my concern is that maybe you've gotten too many story notes over the years. The story doesn't feel as tight and connected as it should, as if things were added to serve this note or that note and not the story. Ultimately you have to decide what really matters and cut the other stuff.

I think if you want to take this screenplay to next level you have to really get down to the core of what do you want this story to say. What are you trying to leave the reader/viewer with? I finished it and I'm not sure.

There were scenes that I liked and scenes that I didn't but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You have to decide what matters and refocus every scene so it builds to that, and chop whatever doesn't (even scenes that might be great)

Just my two cents...


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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CindyLKeller
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Hey Cooper,
Thanks again. Your script was tidier, so I wasn't able to offer much feedback.
I know what needs to be done now. Not too much, but small things that need tweaking to make her journey clearer.
I'm supposed to be having a little surgery soon, so I should have a couple days recovery time away from work (so I can get some writing done).


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
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Thank you, Don for getting the new draft up on the board.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

not sure if I commented on one of your scripts before; I think to remember there's been another script from you up here about kids gimmicks, ?joke articles? and child detectives somewhat, which I have definitely read into; although not sure at all if I gave you my feedback.

I like that you gave this one here a new try after some time passed by. It seems you feel connected to your work which is a good sign.

Then, I must say blatantly honest that I don't see your title as attracting as it needs to be to carry a dvd box or poster for a movie. Nor does your two sentence logline do the job by now (page count seems too high for Comedy too).

Short question: Which draft is this? Have you made a lot of changes compared to the last draft that was online here? Why and what? It would be great to hear something about the process...

Whatever, on a third sight on this thread I hardly suggest: change the title immediately, think about something more captivating… perhaps even go the complete other route and provoke with a "look at me" attitude kind of a title...

Anyway, I'm interested. I will give you some story feedback soon I believe, if you want me to.



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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey PrussianMosby,
If you'd like to read it, I think it would be great. This is my 3rd draft of this script. In this draft I tried to bring it more up to date and make the B story more evident.
I've toyed with the logline: A novelty sales rep is fired after learning of her nettlesome mother's plans for a two-week visit. Her fight to get her job back makes her realize that she loves her mother for who she is.
I do not like loglines...
Not sure about changing the title though???


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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"In this draft I tried to bring it more up to date and make the B story more evident."

Changing B story reads like minor changes when it's been 7 years.  The logline must bang, one sentence, pure lyrical language, fine prose, feeling, Cindy, please "write the best sentence you ever wrote",,, rewrite it.

The title is like, how can I say the title is like… trust me. I'll read



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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 15th, 2018, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Lol. Like I said, I hate loglines.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 17th, 2018, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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It has been a long time since I've written anything at all. This script just sat for years until I dusted it off for a polish. I thought it may bring me back around to writing new material, too.

Here is my attempt at the logline. I hate loglines...


A scatterbrained novelty sales rep is kidnapped after discovering corruption in the workplace, and must pull herself together to save herself, as well as the company that she loves.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

Revision History (1 edits)
CindyLKeller  -  January 17th, 2018, 2:14pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Cindy,

first of all, I'm very sorry for the massive delay. Really. I cannot remember that I ever needed that period of time to read a feature which I promised to look into. So, you get the super massive all in feedback so that we're fine again, right? I'll even add a further evaluation, soon :-), with how I see your stuff regarding the whole picture, things like concept and such… a better summary than those chaotic notes below…

That said upfront, I believe in the script, and even much more in you and your screenwriting alone/on its own. The script itself is pretty individual, partly to a degree that it's possibly even too idiosyncratic in comparison to what else is out there. Don't know.  I enjoyed it very much and hope they, whoever "they" are, would make such out of the box flicks, almost exactly as they are.

The characters are awesome and I especially liked the story's good-hearted attitude which definitely took me away from everything around me…

(an extensive spellcheck would kill me now... so forgive some mistakes; I maybe look over it later)


Notes as I read:

First two: happy to say the presentation and writing is flawless, top character descriptions.

3-4: all fine, there's just no real hook/incident existent that explains me what's to be expected, a direction, tone… Perhaps you're too slow here and need to get topical sooner.

P5 comma after (40s)

Not sure if I'm right, but since I know the premise, that this James' company is dealing with comedic gimmicks and joke items etc... then why not include the stuff they sell into this office place? It would give much more color and also theme to us.

P5 cut that "still" (not a good word for a live-picture experience), it hurts the pace; rather do something different here, like
"Tina leans over Gina's desk"… blah… whatever you do, just don't make it look inactive or 'still'.

P6 said before but your character descriptions are superb
And I like your whole screenwriting too. Very balanced. Complete go on that whole topic.

P7 top, yep this is a much better transition to go back there

"suddenly" same as 'still' – don't use those time modifiers. IMO those are poison to a screenplay since it is a chronological row of live-actions happening in my reader's head. In a sense everything "is", is now, is sudden, is still, is already and so on… it is there  -- fix this with your writing, like: "Tina's eyes shift into a blank stare. She frowns." <- I'm an ESL, so, you can do this better, just see it as a pattern…

P8 top - period after "him", rest is clear, rather connect with next sentence.

First ten evaluation: Okay, I like this a lot. I like the wit, the well-minded levity, the good-hearted characters who perfectly established this certain consistent tone full of charm. Everything. I fear, just fear, some decider person would like to get things going sooner. I myself would possibly want a bit more speed in Gina/Tina conversation too and especially, bring in that visual stuff about the gimmicks somehow. Show some items in a showcase, possibly even let them (Tina Gina) do a joke with it, having something in hand, visual (<-they could even say what they already say here 'simultaneously', which would be great to deliver information even more vivid and entertaining). However, their business, which is the side-theme of your story, must be clearly shown imo. And by now it's just carried by dialogue ("I've ordered this and that/wear unicorn hats etc…) IMO there must be something in picture; you're logline won't do the job for the viewer. Whatever, my critique is marginal. I'm into it.

P16 O.S. row of dialogues are not visually presented. You need to fix that; something must happen on screen other than Tina put her ear to the door only.
Maybe entwine it with the courier boy, stepping in and checking her out, right after. It's always good to compress things like that into one expression. Then, we'd see her listening at the door, hear the info from inside (the O.S.) AND additionally the naughty little guy is checking her out in the meantime. I'd say that'd be a great active picture with lots of stuff to experience, not?

"She points at the closed door.
TINA
They’re talking about me."

This is all so great and gently "stupid" in a positive way. Just a small snippet of dialogue but I love the characters and their short direct dialogues.

P21 okay, the first big laugh of course

P31 some things are eventually a bit overdone -> It feels uneven that you made her that extreme goober and jinx now, one scene after the other. I get it, really, but too many of those scenes are equally structured: the penny  (too flat btw), pulling the rack with her, colliding with someone, kicking the ball into a window. In some of those scenes (baby mother topic) there is information in the background, sure, and so I actually see a certain "sense" for the plot but it somehow became a little tough and steady, so that the script actually loses a bit of its easiness there - which is ironic regarding the light happenings one after the other there, but nevertheless it is true. Possibly, compress some ideas to fewer scenarios with a larger and clearer expression at once. >>Or at least just cut things heavily to gain a lot more speed<<.

I definitely want more direction at this point and get to the conflicts with other characters that truly define the plot as soon as possible. Several strangers laughing at her over and over is not, you know, focused regarding the storyline. It's okay to degree but then NEXT. Go on. Leave this part behind, quicker.

P40 okay, her change has begun, good. However, her WANT and overriding GOAL, which should drive the plot, wasn't very strong to that point, which is an issue. I like her, sure, but what am I actually hoping for her? This dramatic impulse isn't set-up enough. Or better said, you rather lost too much time with her stumbling around. It's entertaining to follow her, for sure, but cut a lot of the stuff I talked about and you actually automatically strengthen the beats that dictate the script: her getting fired and wanting a comeback in the business, getting respect from her mother. This is the backbone of the story and is too much overshadowed by the long partsin between. Just look more precise on the dramaturgy, the real structure that carries everything and kill some of your darlings, parts that don't serve your dramaturgy.

P41 yeah, exactly, she wants her job back. That's what I mean…

p50 it's back on track, def… I like the confrontations-

P50 "looks let down" typo?
"Suddenly" cut that

P52 Mickey, and -- no comma

P 69 I see, things eventually unfold

P 72 re the order of rats blah… -- notice this is the first time I actually realize what they are doing exactly, having an online shop. This whole side-theme of novelty business comes clearly too short. You should implant it more, especially at the beginning of the script, and more than that, make it visual, touchable. It's such an important characteristic of the script that isn't developed yet, almost completely absent.

P76 yeah, suddenly all the gimmick stuff is at hand

P78 in love "with" your

P81 nitpicky but the original slug was JAMES' HOUSE not HOME (wouldn't use 'home' in a slug anyway)

P82 rubber snakes then are a bit too over the top, cause not really scary as presented. You made a lot of simple "traps" with those toys but don't forget, you must also convince the audience that cool and actually surprisingly startling things happen on the screen, or they will think, well, cute, rubber snakes… why do they jump with fright now over every little thing

Find some better stuff. Even invent some stuff yourself. Imagine the snakes shoot up, with red glowing eyes, hissing at her etc… You should, imo must be, more attractive in that area and cannot go only with 80s/90s stuff. That's unbelievable and repetitive. Find some fresher toys or even invent crazy stuff never seen before.

p99/100 this Tina person, great scene

Okay, it's getting more and more hilarious, now Tina actually holds a Columbo/Poirot-like monologue. Awesome.

p110 slugline JAMES' missing apostrophe

Also, the cheese then is definitely needed and well-placed there in the last scenes

Hmm…?... Tim found guilty too?  I concur of course but what did they get him for; isn't clear to me

The long V.O. s and Fade back in part is a super way out. Lots of fun to reconsider all of them.


Well, I'll write an additional summary about how I see your "enterprise" as a whole here…

See you there.




Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  April 4th, 2018, 6:58am
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Wow, now that's some great feedback.

It's quite alright about the time. I work a 40 plus hour a week job which exhausts me, so I know what you're talking about.

You flatter me when you said that you liked the script, and that you believe in the script and me with my screenwriting.
Thank you. Sometimes that's all a person needs to dig deeper into themselves to make room for that extra time that is needed to write.

You bring up a valid point when you say I should show some of their products earlier in the script. Very good. I will also have them taking orders earlier as well.

As with Tim getting arrested, well, I see I am going to have to work on that. Maybe he won't do time. Maybe he will be living in a small mobile home, drinking beer, and reading the want ads.

I entered this one into Page's Screenplay Contest this year. We'll see how it goes.
If it advances, they let you submit a newer draft of the script.
If so, I will have a better draft ready for them.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to read and review my script. It means a lot.

Cindy


+++++++++++++++


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Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 17th, 2018, 2:37pm
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