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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Jack Off: The Life & Times of the ... Moderators: bert
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ABennettWriter
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chazz. I haven't read your script and I probably won't because you don't seem to really understand how it works.

People comment, make suggestions, give notes and you can either be appreciative of the time (whether they read the whole script or just the first ten pages, it doesn't matter) or dismiss them completely. You have been very defensive, dismissive and rude. You're here for your own ego. That's apparent.

I'm not going to get into name calling. I've been a member of this site for a long time and I've seen a lot of members join, post a script, get mad when people hate it and then run away because no one gets their genius. You seem like one of those people.

You can diss me all you want. I don't care. I just wanted to add my two cents. Hi Chazz. I haven't read your script and I probably won't because
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey AB,

Either you haven't read this thread or your comprehension is surprisingly low.  I'll gladly give you the benefit of the doubt & assume the former.

I've not dissed 1 person yet for not liking it.  But, hey, thanks for popping in.  We were all waiting for you to make a statement.  Now we can all rest easy again.

Chazz
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nastynate
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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"Just lemme know where I can read!  I'll give detailed notes as to what was good & what wasn't and the why behind what didn't work.  Basically I'll give you what I'm asking for myself."

I'd be truly honored if you read something of mine. There's a link to Crime Scene Reenactments in my sig.
I don't know why, but I have a feeling you're not gonna like it. Anyway, have at it if you want and feel free to rip me a new one.
Nate


New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1337896711/
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ABennettWriter
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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I have a few shorts on here and I would love your opinion.

You can read 10 pages, right?
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mcornetto
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Really dudes.  The worst you can do to a script thread is not comment.   By commenting on a personal level, instead of proving your point, you're making this a hot script and you're making yourself and the site look bad in the process.  Ignore it, don't feed it.

And that's the last I'll say on this before I start deleting inappropriate comments.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mcornetto  -  July 8th, 2012, 10:40pm
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_ghostwriters
Posted: July 8th, 2012, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Chazz...

First off let me say, kudos to Bert for trying to get this thread back on track, where it should be, rightfully so too!  But some are still determined to derail it again.  So let's see if we can stop that from happening.

I checked out the first ten.  I don't do comedy, I'm not good at it, so I don't write them, but I do know if you let jokes hang around and linger too long, the script will get unfunny fast.  

I got a couple of chuckles, particularly the line bewteen Louis and the Producer, "This is PBS." Felt you did good setting up that punchline.  

I thought you did a good job with Steve's intro.  But like I said, I've only read the first ten pages... so I don't know if he shows up again.  The reason why I say this... Ralph is your main character and I just felt you wasted a golden opportunity with his intro.  He's your Protagonist, names, age, clothes are just not enough.  Not for a feature.  I mean you're asking us to spend the next 90-120 minutes with this guy,  as a "Reader" I wanna know something about the essence of Ralph as a charater so I can get interested and involved with him.  Remember -- you've got a lot of leeway when it comes to character intros, use it.   It's definitely something you should think about.

Personally I didn't have a problem with your opening slug.  I mean it's a TV Studio, no need to waste Real Estate by trying to establish that.  The only thing I would have done different, was mention they were before a live studio auidence right off the bat.

I thought the description of Romanowski was all right, but I'd really consider adding (O.S.) to his first three lines for sure.

I agree with Bert when he said this... "There is nothing inherently wrong with this script." Too be honest, outside not having that (O.S.) which I think should be there I didn't have a problem, clearly you have your own style and that's good.

Having said that, it's suppose to be a comedy, it really needs to be funny.   Nothing made me laugh out loud.  But to your credit I haven't read past page 10.  So fair enough.

Just a few quick thoughts.  Maybe you should consider a Script Exchange.  I noticed a new member here, "Doms" he chimed in on your thread.  I don't post too much, but I'm around alot more then people think.  "Ghosting." I've read some of his reviews... I believe he may have a script posted.  Not sure. Might consider PMing him.

Second, you say you spend time on a lot of sites, may I suggest DD.  Mainly beacuse they have an advanced script section, where you can post the first three pages of your script and  professional writers and producers working in "Hollywood," will give you some very good feedback.  It's pretty popular over there. And since yours is a comedy, Craig Mazin (Im sure you've heard of him) more than likely will be the one who reads it.  Comedy is his field.  

Oh and may I suggest getting coverage if you haven't already down so.

Please try to participate on the boards.

And last, but not least, I hope this thread gets cleaned out fast.

Forgive any errors, I wrote this on the fly...

Good Luck

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  July 8th, 2012, 10:33pm
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: July 9th, 2012, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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Ghostwriter,

That is both fair and just.

I 100% agree with you that the first 10 needs to be funnier.  I personally find it funny, but the overall impression of the first 10 is that it could be funnier.  So, I must make it funnier.

Thanks for the other suggestions.


AB and Nate,

I have read your scripts and commented.

Enjoy.

Chazz
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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 9th, 2012, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chazz,

I’ll be honest and admit to reading your script last week for a few reasons; one being the concept which I think has potential.

I used to watch “Worlds Strongest Man” many years ago when living in the U.K and always thought there is tons of comedic potential which applies to your story with all the musclemen running around with their foreign accents. So let’s just say I had the same sort of idea but you beat me to the punch shall we say.

Anyway, the other reason was that I saw your script on the list of 20 in line to be reviewed by Carson Reeves on ScriptShadow so I thought I’d give a look-see.

I was going to comment on the script over the weekend but I thought I would wait until all the fuss had died down. I also see that today you’ve commented on a few scripts which is a good way to get reads, it gets you noticed and then in turn, more reads.

So I’m wondering if you’re still after feedback from the members of SS?

Just let me know as I’ll be happy to share my views on your story here.

If not then I hope all the best with this script.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: July 9th, 2012, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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I'd love to hear your thoughts, Coop.

I just finished a pretty extensive rewrite, but ending one rewrite just means you're starting a new rewrite, right?

Things to keep in mind:

1)  I've removed some of the most offensive material.  The diarrhea scene still happens, but there is no actual diarrhea, just the reaction TO the diarrhea.

2)  The opening scene has changed completely.  I felt (via suggestions from several, including people here) that I needed the first scene to be more active and to show that Ralph is actually good at what he does.  So, I changed the interview setting to live TV on the Today Show with Matt Lauer and Ralph is chopping wood outside of 30 Rock WHILE saying these horribly offensive things.

3)  I felt like we still needed to hate Ralph at first, BUT I wanted to take away *some* of the offensive-ness in the first scene.  So putting it on live network television allowed me to still have him be offensive, BUT the curse words are all {Bleep}-ed out.  And, to me, bleeping it out is kinda funnier.

4)  I did a pass through the script with the "Early in, early out" emphasis with every, single scene and made sure that everything at the beginning and ends of scenes was needed.  I lost 5 pages just from cutting out un-necessary dialogue at the beginning/end of scenes.

5)  I cut out roughly 1/3 of the stuff with the 2 ESPN anchors and cut 1 of the ESPN NEWS scenes.  I feel like I kept the funniest stuff (especially Van Pelt getting sloppy drunk on air at the end) and cut out the worst.

6)  I set up the MMMAA a little more early in the script and the new ending makes its usefulness to the script highly important.

7)  Finally, the ending has been completely changed.  When I originally wrote this, I tried to hit all the beats of a traditional sports comedy, but with each beat, I tried to change or twist it just a bit.  With the ending, I wanted it to be weird and cheesy and different.  Problem was, I thought we lost Ralph's ballsiness and power of being a strong man.  So, I still have the same ending to the actual competing, but we suddenly realize that Ralph has played Romanowski (now named Stanski, to avoid reader's having a hard time with 'R' names) in a way that I think is a little un-expected.

Anyway, I will try to read your script 'The Chat Up' today.

Thanks,
Chazz
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ABennettWriter
Posted: July 9th, 2012, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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If you send me the new rewrite, I'll read it today.

Austinbsteel@Yahoo.com
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bert
Posted: July 10th, 2012, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChazzChristopher
Bert,

Thank you for reading.  This was incredibly helpful.

Bert, is there any of your scripts around here?  I'd love to return the favor.  I just am not sure how to search for a certain person's scripts.  Thanks for any help you can give me towards that.


Glad it was helpful -- and even more glad to see most of the silliness dying down as people get back to the business of actually reviewing.

You can click the red HERE in my signature for a selection of my work -- it is always a pleasure to find comments on anything, so if anything looks appealing, that is cool, or if not that is also cool.

But in answer to your larger question, most of the regular members will have some sort of link whoring out their work in their signature  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Yosef91
Posted: July 12th, 2012, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Chazz,

I had about 15 minutes to kill before leaving work, and thought I would take a peek.  I only read 12 pages.  Don't like that?  Sue me.

I will say that I laughed out loud several times.  The beer stein bit was good, as was the "not entirely accurate" exchange.  The pig washing joke got a good chcukle, too.  I laughed more in that 12 pages than I did in any other "comedy" script on this site.

I would advise to stop with the "beat" pauses and the overuse of exclamation marks.  It looks amateur.

There are some posters around here that like to sabotage threads as soon as they get the chance.  One avid reader did that to mine, breaking every rule of the stickies.  What can you do?  Jers are jerks, to use a polite term.

I hope I get a chance to finish.  If not, good luck with it.
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Forgive
Posted: July 12th, 2012, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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I don't want to get into any conversations with "fishwife" Yosef and all his moaning, but I've taken a couple of looks at this, and it just doesn't ring for me. None of it.

Anyway. You know I've been checking out some of your other stuff, and I came across an earlier version of this script 'Jack Off ... ". LOL.

That one made me laugh.

But then I'm like, why are you doing all these changes -- the one I read actually did make me laugh - like quite a few times. I really liked the nerves of Ralph -- somehow it made it funnier that he wasn't trying to be funny ... ? It just came across as really off the cuff - embarrassing like they were doing it there and then - not like you'd written it for laughs.

So anyway. That's my thoughts. Gotta quit now 'cos Yosef's got fish to cook for her husband.
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: July 12th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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First off, Yosef, thanks for reading the 12 pages that you did.  Glad you found it funny.

I will take a look at the "beats" and such.  I am an actor first, so many times I can tend to write dialogue in the way I'd say it, instead of letting other actors have room to improve it with performance.  One of my weaknesses, for sure.



SiCol, if you saw "The Jack Off" - that is actually the newest version.  That is the one that includes all the changes that I talked about a couple of posts ago.

Sorry we got off on the wrong foot - hope we can start over.

Chazz
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IsaacStickley
Posted: July 13th, 2012, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Chazz,

Whereabouts could I find your most recent version, with the new title & revisions?


WARNING:  I am neither a professional screenwriter nor reader.
My opinions are my own.  Take from them what you will, and throw the rest aside.
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