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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Jack Off: The Life & Times of the ... Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Jack Off: The Life & Times of the ...  (currently 10964 views)
Posted: July 13th, 2012, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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Quoted from IsaacStickley

Whereabouts could I find your most recent version, with the new title & revisions?

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Private Message Reply: 60 - 78
Posted: July 14th, 2012, 1:46am Report to Moderator

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Let's try this.

Here it is at Scrib'd - newest draft.

The Jack Off

Thanks for looking.

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Private Message Reply: 61 - 78
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 9:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Perth, Australia
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Hey Chazz,

Sorry for the delay in getting around to this, started yesterday before finishing today but I swapped versions on page 19 I think. Most of the things I pointed out in the opening pages could have already been changed so throw aside what you’ve already changed.

First off I want to mention how much your writing has improved since I last looked at your work. I remember being a newb and looking at “A Lot Like Christmas” and the opening wasn’t good and I failed to get past the first 10 pages. I see this is doing well over at Talentville now so congrats and I also saw how long you’ve been at this game… a lot longer than me.

The idea is solid and very original which is always nice to see. The premise is the same old sport comedy piece but the chosen sport is a completely new one on me, I’ve never heard of a lumber jacking movie anyway.

So I came into this with high hopes and for most part I liked it. It was a good read with some eccentric characters to match the sometimes outlandish story.

I did have some problems with your writing but upon going onto the revised script it seems you’ve cleared a lot of those issues up so kudos to you.

If I had any gripes it would be the constant exclamation marks!!!!! I’ve never seen so many in a script. I also found the use of “beat” or “long silence” quite tiresome but I understand why you had them and maybe I was more aware of them after the recent discussion on the site.

I would also keep an eye on the use of “and” I saw a few instances when a comma would have been better used in its place, if only to tighten your action.

On the whole, I found your writing good and it made the script a good read for it. I will again say well done for the improvements in the revised script, you can see the difference.

Let’s move onto the story. I found the opening 30 pages good and it moved at a good pace, we met our protag and learnt about him and closet to him. We also found out about his problem (money) This aspect never really came into play to affect Ralph again apart from the early commercial’s he did. You seemed to concentrate more on his “getting back into lumber jacking” after his unfortunate meeting with the 4th graders.

This brought us onto the dreaded middle act and things did slow down, the training scenes were a tad long and I personally had no idea how the board knew he was a changed man… he just walked in and got accepted back in. Thought he might have to prove his new character a bit.

The trainer’s were all good and if I’m honest, I’m surprised they didn’t come back in the final act for something. Even if it was in the crowd it would have been nice to see them again cheering Ralph on.

I think the kids disappeared for maybe to long during this period, I think you’re looking at 60 pages between their scenes and this felt too long. I wanted to know why Ralph wasn’t concerned to see or get back to them during this, I think this whole separation from his kids could have been a good kick-start to his training harder.

We then moved into the final act and for me this is where a few problems arose. The Paul Sheedy character was just odd, a few funny lines but overall he was strange and didn’t really play a part like maybe he should have.

The Stella coming back from the dead plot was ludicrous no doubt and I think that was your intention. But to finally reveal her and her anger after all the little snippets of her hair and FEMALE VOICE, it just fell flat for me. She had that one scene with Ralph, had an evil grin and then… nothing happened. Ralph told her he was filing for divorce. Huh! Why go to all those extremes to hide her and then reveal a master (Dr.Evil type plan) only for it all to fall away after 5 pages.

This made the last competition between Ralph and Stanski rather lacking other than Ralph getting his tenth world championship (guess that was the whole point). Their fierce relationship/rivalry was ruined and hence, the whole last 10 pages lost all tension.

Don’t get me wrong, the change of Ralph lying about the stein was surprising and did give it more but I would have liked to have seen these two athletes have it out in one last battle for the championship.

I’ll also give you credit on the two ESPN broadcasters; they were a hoot even if half their dialogue flew straight over my head.

Some of the humour worked, some didn’t but I do think a lot of it would be a lot funnier on screen rather than reading it from a page. I did particularly like one scene where he chops down a tree onto someone’s house: Why? Because of how you timed it, this is what people need to think more about in comedy.

It was an inspiring moment, Ralph’s done his Rocky moment and is fit and ready chopping down trees. One goes down and he watches it fall in slow motion onto –

-- A house. Just really well written. Comedy is all about timing and this scene showed how it can work. Other times I did feel the timing was off but comedy’s subjective like they say.

The main characters were well drawn out and you did a good job.

Ralph was a good protag and I liked that you kept a hint of his personality at the end because that is what makes him funny. If you had completely changed his character, he wouldn’t have worked.

Stanski was excellent and I was really enjoying this Austrian klutz until the final act when all the story of the stein came out. I was thinking this was a man about the sport of lumber jacking which is the real comedy here for me. To think that these men care so much about cutting wood and winning championships was enough for me. I think there is good element there which gets lost in the Stella plot.

Louis was a good side-kick to Ralph but we didn’t find out much about him personally. I think it would be nice to have his own character side-story.

Stella didn’t get a lot to do like I said, couldn’t really get too much into her plot of revenge.

The kids I think could feature more, especially during the middle act where they completely disappeared. I was just surprised that Ralph didn’t try to get to them or see how they were? It might also have been an idea to have them find out about their mother being alive. I’m still confused about the midget cage thing… but at least they got a show F/X.

Elagia was well…? Yeah, I was just confused by her actions. She wanted Ralph, then separated from him, kicking him from the house and kids before wanting him again. Then she didn’t care that Ralph wanted a divorce before she turned up with lawyers and was deported. Just a strange lady with no real motivation other than sex. She didn't even get those big knockers out.

Like I said before the ESPN broadcasters were fun but I would have liked to see some more of them.

So overall I think this is a solid read but I think the middle act needs more, a tad slow at the moment. Needs some more competitions (ESPN guys) and the kids need to be integrated in here as well.  Can’t help feeling there gone too long.  I also think the final act could do with revising; I just wasn’t a big fan of the Stella angle which killed the world championship contest finale.

And that is the big disappointment about the ending.  It should have been about the protag overcoming the odds and winning the world championship against a younger, tougher foe but it lost its momentum as soon as Ralph said “well, that about clears everything up”  I think he was right.

Obviously this just my opinion and other’s may have said what a great ending with the reveal of Stella and her evil plan. That is how opinions differ.

Good work overall though, this one has much potential and I see no reason why it can’t be picked up. Wish you all the best with it.

Here are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 Where’s my “fade in” It may be picky but I do like to see it in a script.

A few unfilmables here, there okay but only in small portions and something I hope won’t go on throughout.

“pronounced Rafe” Repeated info here, unnecessary to tell us twice on the same page.

“sits STEVE EAGERTON” So is Ralph sitting? I kind thought he was standing from his description… guessing there is no table?

“fucking mouth” There is no need to swear in the action, comes off very unprofessional to me. I understand this is supposed to be R-rated but still… this should come though in the dialogue.

“camera men” Think this is one word.

“Ralph doesn’t seem to notice, just plods along.” Get rid of “seem to” it’s superfluous and if anything getting rid of it will help to show what a douche he is. “Ralph doesn’t notice, plods along” Also tightens your action.

P.1/2 Uh-oh! Already a pet-peeve of mine. Try not to let the dialogue go over two pages. Just looks messy IMO.

“wearing a name tag that reads “Producer”” Again can be cut, I mean he/she is called Producer so it’s evident. But we can’t see the name producer when watching… true but the audience aren’t idiots.

“in khakis, polo shirt and a blazer.” I wonder if his attire is all that important?

P.3 “Louis picks up his stuff” What stuff? Try to be visual here, mobile phone, wallet? What is he picking up?

“Ralph is leaned back in his chair, smoking a cigarette.”


“Ralph leans back in his chair, smokes a cigarette” Tightens your action and gets rid of that nasty “is” and “ing” word.

“and jizzed myself.” Missing “I” after and.

“That’s what this country was built on” What? Premature ejaculation!

“His tone says that he does not, in fact, find this

This line could be re-worded for the better.

“His tone says different.” This would work quite well with the line preceding it. Just a thought.

“Steve just” No need for “just” “Steve throws his…”

Okay so I’ve learnt Ralph’s a douche but I would have liked to have seen some flashback in this opening showing him in his prime chopping down some trees. Would have been a nice visual over all the dialogue.

P.4 “In the dark bar” We know this from the slug. No need to repeat info. If it’s important that the bar is dark then find a way to describe this without mentioning the bar again.

“The BARTENDER/WAITER” Choose one! No need for both, probably bartender as we’re at a bar.

“to the Bartender/Waiter.” Superfluous, can be taken out.

P.6 “apparently” A horrible word choice here when it wasn’t even needed.

P.8 Some good dialogue in the bar scene between Ralph and Louis and especially liked the book title.

“A massive mansion that would make Donald Trump
simultaneously proud and jealous.”

Wasn’t a fan of this line and it’s repeating the slug again.

Shouldn’t Romanowski’s dialogue be (O.S) here outside the mansion?

“The home is absolutely gorgeous” Please don’t use this line unless you’re a gay interior designer.

“things” Calm down on the usage of this word, it becomes repetitive. Same with “massive”

          “Oh Em Gee - this is perfect.”

Again, shouldn’t Romanowski be (O.S) he’s not in the hallway right?

“The bedroom is massive” Try not to use “is” so much, it will help the flow of the read. Also not repeating your slugs which will help tighten your action.

Kinda liked your description of the bed and bedside tables though.

Again with the (O.S)?

P.9 “(30’s)” No need for the apostrophe in the ages.

“the SOUND of someone showering.” How do I know someone is showering? Why not “the shower SOUNDS in the background or b.g for shorter” You’re emphasising “someone” to me so I know it’s someone important, almost like a spoiler to me.

“Fine!!!” You use a lot of exclamation marks! Something to cut down on.

“(into phone)” Get this into the action before instead of the overlong intro… don’t use parentheticals unless necessary.

You do have a tendency to overwrite at times for me in your action.

Private Message Reply: 62 - 78
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 9:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Perth, Australia
Posts Per Day
Continuing on:

P.10 “The Mini drives down and around and quickly” Get rid of one of the “and” here for a smoother read.

I do like a good description of the setting but why add the slug into the description.

“The office is filled with pictures” Could be

“Various pictures cover the wall… so on” We know we’re in a office from the slug. Just a thought.

“Trophies cover a multiple shelves.” Take out “a” from this line.

“obviously” This is a preference thing but I don’t think you need this word.
“as a nervous Rodgers stands in front” Why state it’s obvious.

“We wanted” Who’s “we”? I thought it was him from the name of the agency and his name? He’s the only agent right? Should this be “I wanted”

P.11 “The flabby lumber jack” Again preference and I’m big on consistency but I’d rather you’d kept this as Ralph or Rafe.

Yeah, Ralph’s dialogue here is a tad long and could do with some editing, there is no reason to mention the Hitler mug… it’s just random fiddle.

P.12 “See what I did there? Good.” Not my cup of tea I’m afraid. Guess some might like this but you’ve totally lost me here.

P.14 “(beat)” I guess another recent discussion has brought this to my attention but there have been a couple. Maybe this is going out of fashion now.

“(soto)” I have no idea? You’re have to explain this one to me.

P.15 Try to not to use the nasty “is” word if it can be helped. A few instances now where they could have been avoided for the better.

P.16 shouldn’t there be a flashback reference here for the car scene.

Why isn’t Stella capped? It might be a flashback but it’s her first time on screen.

P.17 “I’m dead.” What is Stella talking about? She’s not dead, she’s talking which would argue that point.

“when it explodes into flames.” Find “into flames” redundant. Explodes gets the message across.

“Noooooo!” Hands up who likes to see this in a script… I think every avenging action star has this line in their contract. Certainly could see Will Ferrell using this line to funny effect.

“INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE” Instead of a new slug, you could of just used “back to scene” if you used flashback at the beginning.

“I miss you, baby!” He’s doing all this in front of Elagia. She’s going to be pissed right?

Ralph seems to have changed character so quickly from the first 10 pages where he seemed like a womanizing jerk. I mean, he’s trying to avoid having sex, he’s sentimental to an old picture and quite loving to his kids… not the character we met in the opening.

P.18 “And I’m not coming out of the damn closet!” Now to me this doesn’t sound right. Wouldn’t he say “And I’m not gay” His line doesn’t clear that up… more states that he’s going to continue hiding it, if true? Now knowing his distaste for homosexuality, I just thought he would want to be abundantly clear here.

“INT. ESPN NEWS – DAY” I would add “studio” to this slug. I’m guessing this is in a studio.

P.19 “he happens to be the eleven-time world champion.” Looks like ESPN have got their facts wrong because I thought he was a nine-time world champion?

Right, I’ve swapped here because I see the newer draft up since I’ve started so I will read on from that draft now. I’m lazy so I’m not starting from the beginning again and will continue from page 21 on the new draft. Hope you don’t mind.

P.21 “Big, stupid  chicken  head.” I’m confused a bit here, is his face covered? It’s just it started  with Ralph looking miserable but then his head is covered. I’m guessing on top of his  head.

“The axe slung” I would change this for “An axe slung” the indicates that I knew it was there which I didn’t.

P.22 “Camera Crew” Why isn’t camera crew capped? I’m only going on the basis of “interns” being capped previously… always good to be consistent. And as they were capped on the beer commercial.

“Ralph looks miserably” Get rid of “miserably” We know he’s miserable already, no reason to repeat this info. If you feels it’s necessary then just change the word.

P.24 I think Ralph’s line about the beer was a tad confusing and I had to read it a couple of times. Maybe it’s just me being stupid but I would consider simplifying it.

Where are all the beer bottles his been drinking? Have something about loads of empty beer bottles by the camera crew or by the wall he threw it against. Wouldn’t the bottle smash if he threw it against the wall.

P.27 “and he bend over.” Should be bends.

P.29 “cop” Cap him on first intro as he speaks.

P.31 When did Elagia fiile for separation and why? Was it the orphanage incident? How did she get the time to do all that, I mean the restraining order and custody of the kids? Ralph was only in prison for three hours… just thought it would take longer.

P.32 Finding these “long beat” tiresome now, need to calm down on the usage of beat IMO.

P.33 “booms stands everywhere” Should this be “boom stands everywhere”

P.38 “shudders.     Jesus” Seems to be an extra space here.

P.41 “You have to trust fall.” I wasn’t too sure about this line, reads a tad awkward.

Also have to ask if “Jap” is an offensive term for Japanese people… he’s supposed to be working on this aspect right and here he is in front of his trainers doing it. Just thought Sherry (think that’s the right trainer) would have something to say about it. On the other hand I could be wrong and it’s not offensive?

“All right” You use this word a lot to start dialogue and it’s something to keep an eye on.

“his branch” Change his for “the” or reword it. It’s not his branch.

P.44 Think Jesus should be (O.S) again on the top of this page.

P.45 “over on his back” Change to “onto his back” for a smoother read.

“INT.  LIVING  ROOM  -  DAY” Where is all this  taking place? Is this in Louis’s house?

P.46   “straight into Fukushima’s crotch.” This could read a tad awkward which might even make it funnier to be fair. Just might want to clarify this line.

“Then you speak something about a robe” I must have missed this, I don’t remember Ralph saying anything about a robe?

P.49 “Fukushima only glares at Louis.” I think “only” can be taken out here, doesnt add anything and would work better without it IMO.

“Suddenly, from outside, the SOUND of a man screaming.” Okay nothing technically wrong here but I just want to offer another way… see what you think

“A man SCREAMS (O.S). The three gawk out the window, surprised.” This gets rid of “suddenly” which I’ve never been a fan of and also gets rid of “SOUND” which is unneeded. Emphasise on the scream. Like I say, just another way to handle it but this is a preference thing and we’re all different.

“They all three” Get rid of “they” or “three” as in “They all go running…”

“-- and see nothing.” I don’t mind dashes; in fact it’s something I like to incorporate into my own style. My question is why there is a space before you do one on an opening of a sentence which looks odd. You also might want to change to a mini-slug “BACKYARD” because we haven’t changed slugs so technically we’re still inside the living room.

“the sound of” Superfluous and should be taken out to tighten this line, you’ve capped them so that should be enough.

P.50 “tied to the telephone pole” Tied or cuffed?

“I tol’t him” I’ve never heard this before? Maybe it’s a slang thing or maybe it was simply supposed to be told?

“The police cars disappear over a hill.” I think this is phrased wrong? I got the impression it was only one car from the previous passage?

P.51 “You’ve been trained.”  So that’s it! Just three days training is enough… seems short.

Yeah, I mean three days and he’s a changed man. Louis must have called Elagia recently because he only just asked the trainers how Ralph was doing before. There needs to be more thrown at Ralph about losing his kids for me, this kind of motivation could explain how someone can change so quickly. Losing them like he lost his wife, this would explain such a fast turnaround.

“(still in her dress)” What’s going on Chazz? You’ve got an R-rated comedy with all the dirty slang and penises on display, well in wood and on mirrors but no nudity. You’re just teasing now.

P.52 “don’t she?” I think “doesn’t she” would work better here.

“he disappears around a corner.” What about the hill? The police car disappeared over the hill?

P.53 Did you need the scene with all three guys getting into their cars and driving away? It feels like it would be a tad long to watch on screen. Just a thought.

P.54 “sticks her head into the outer office.” I would add “out” after head for a smoother read. I had to re-read this line.

Private Message Reply: 63 - 78
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 9:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Perth, Australia
Posts Per Day
Continuing on:

P.55  “I don’t give a shit about you women’s problems.” This line doesn’t read right at all. I’m guessing “you” should be your and women’s should be women.

“I think Ralph has made a great strides lately, Commissioner.” Change “a” for some. Or “strides” for stride.

“a shit about you lady’ s problems.” Again “you “ should be your.

P.56 “Fetley sits down” When did he stand up?

“paper work” Paperwork is one word.

“The door closes behind them.” Did Ralph or Louis close it? Or did it close on it’s own?

What’s with the fifty cent piece? Are drinks that cheap? Where is this bar because I’m there and the first rounds on me.

P.60 “He looks to the sky and yells.” Should “sky” be ceiling?

“immediately loses his balance and falls face-first into the wall across the room, then to the ground.” How do you fall across to the other side of the room? That is one hell of a fall, almost Matrix like.

P.62 “gun shot” Gunshot is one word. And again on page 63.

P.65 “EXT. TREE CLIMBING - DAYLUMBERJACKmber jacks stand at thebottom  of  their  trees.”

I don’t need to state what’s happened here? Maybe a mistake during your revisions , buddy.

“him slowly making way back down the tree.” Add “his” after making.

“Suddenly” Yeah okay it may be preference but I do think you need to cut down on the usage of “suddenly”

P.66 Is Stanski still there or should he be (O.S)? The way you described it before kinda made me think that all the jacks had left, hence the “sudden” arrival of lumberjack 3.

“grand stands” Pretty sure grandstands is one word.

“landing” change this to approaching or something like that because I thought he had already landed but he hadn’t. It needs to be clearer.

“And proceeded to nearly kill nearly a hundred  fans”  Change one of the “nearly’s” how about “to nearly kill over a hundred fans”

Are they not going to take into account the lumberjack chopping down the tree with him still on top? Seems like he’s going to get the blame when it clearly wasn’t Ralph’s fault. I mean it was televised so should be easy to prove his innocence.

P.68 “Ralph takes the cup in his hand.” What happened to the glass? There is a difference between the two so try to be consistent with your description.

“EXT.  SOMEWHERE  –  DAY” Not  a  fan  of  this  slug..,  surely  you  can  come  up  with  something  more  creative. Yeah this should have just been the homeless village as a slug.

P.71 “Stanski just watches a blonde, blonde head of hair disappear around the corner.” Take out “a blonde” “Stanski watches a blonde head of hair disappear around the corner.” Reads a lot better.

P.72 “Trying to put my family back together.”   I haven’t seen much of this to be honest and this is something that maybe needs expanded on. He should be trying to put his family back together.

P.77 So Ralph was ready to kill himself, well it looked that way which surprises me because of his kids. What I don't understand is what has changed since the discussion with Paul. If anything he seems more confused after it, but he just walks away instead continuing on with his original plan. Also would have liked to have seen a better reaction from Ralph, he idolized Paul right but his reaction was so... meh! You've got Will Ferrel in mind for this so think about Anchorman and how he responded to the death of his dog. Maybe this could work in the same light here but the other way, so Paul's death pushes Ralph to compete again. I think this was your angle but for me it needs more to play like that.

"Father, you’re home again!" Found it strange to add "again" here.  Think “Father, you're home”  reads a lot better.

P.78 "re-become world champion again?" Don't need both "re-become" and "again" You could take one of these out for the better.

P.79 "My current wife hates me." Don't like this line, think if you take out "current" it would work a lot better. I actually think this gives away your twist coming up. How many times has he been married?

"looks them closely." Missing "at" after looks.

P.80 I have no idea why midgets are fighting in Ralph's basement but nevertheless, why not keep the kids upstairs when he tells them about the gnome tactic... it would work better because as is, they're right there to hear him. Have Ralph close the door on the kids, say his stuff then walk back up and tell them to stay away from the cage. Just a thought.

P.82 Elagia takes the news of Ralph divorcing her and leaving her with no money quite well, in fact so well that she happily takes the kids away so the men can talk business. If there is one character I'm really struggling to understand its Elagia. She doesn't even care that Ralph is in the house when she has a restraining order against him. Yeah, she's lost on me.

P.83 "Ralph looks up at Louis." You've already said this in the wrylie so no need to rpeat the info. If you want to break up the action, have Raplh ponder or something like that. Or better, take out the wrylie.

"That’s the conclusion I came to,too." This doesn't read well. "That's the conclusion I made as well" Of course there are other ways as well but this does need to be changed IMO.

P. 84 "Your way won eleven worshipchampionships." Does he mean "world" championships and where is this eleven coming from? I thought it was nine? I wonder if you changed your mind about this through the process and it was originally 11 so that's why there is a couple of references to this.

"catch phrase" Catchphrase is one word like you had it before.

"the slowly" “The” should be then.

p.85 "he picks an axe." Missing "up" after picks.

P.86 "If he can just get away from this guy!" So normally I wouldn't like this kind of thing but on this occasion it works. I think this is a good case to show when this kind of technique can be used to your advantage. It made the scene all the funnier for it.

"and talk to someone" Should be talks.

"blonde, blonde hair" You're have to explain this one to me? I saw it earlier and thought it was maybe a typo but now I'm unsure. Does it mean her hair is really blonde, blonde?

P.87 "(to himself)"  Who else was in the bush? Don't think you need this.

P.90 Stella and Ralph are talking like she's dead or died and it reads wrong because she's sitting right there.

P.93 "Gregory-San" Should this be son?

P.94 "know metaphors off" Missing "are" after metaphors.

Okay , I agree with Ralph about the plot, it's pretty ludicrous with a lots of plot holes but as this is a comedy , let’s try to move past that... get the feeling it's supposed to be stupid anyway.

P.95 The speech could be a lot better and more funny, this was the perfect sport movie speech but funny. I think you’ve missed an opportunity here.

"Stalin, Stanski and Stella stop a few feet away from Louis and Ralph ." Where did Stalin come from, you never mentioned him in the passage before? And he never actually does anything… is he supposed to be there?

P.98 How did Ralph know Elagia was going to show up? He had immigrant officers at the ready? I also don't like how all this get tied up so quickly.

P.99 Just a quick point which might need clearing up. Ralph has competed  in one competition in eight years yet he's in the world championships? Now lumber jacking could be different to other sports but I thought only a certain number of competitors go into the final world championships and it's based on a seeding process or something like that. It's just six months of lumber jacking and he's only competed in two comps... feels unfair on the other guys.

P.103 The montage looks wrong to me or I've never seen it done this way? Wouldn't mind seeing some spaces between the individual paragraphs for a cleaner read, looks compact the way you have it at the moment.

P.105 "lumberjacks slide down the ground." Missing "to" after down.

Just another thing I've noticed in your writing sometimes. You use "and" a lot when a comma could be used. It would really help tighten some of your action.

P.107 "talked about, Steve." Think he means Matt. First time you've done this on the rewrite right near the end here.

Good luck and keep writing.


Private Message Reply: 64 - 78
Posted: July 17th, 2012, 4:45am Report to Moderator

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Great thoughts.  Thanks - I appreciate it.

I agree that the middle act slows down.  I did the dreaded "Fall in love with your work" and fell in love with the trainers.  I will cut, for sure.

I agree on bringing the kids back.

RE: the ending.  Well, really the script.  I wanted to hit the beats of a traditional sports comedy and then twist it.  I did it with the break into the 2nd act, I did it with the mid point (you think things are finally looking up, when it fact, Elagia's cheating actually sends him into an even worse spiral that ends with the whiff of death), the "inspiring moment" doesn't come from where you expect it to come from where it usually does.  

So, when I got to the ending, I was trying to figure out how to make it funny to those who know all the beats.  And most of the people who watch these kinds of movies know how it's supposed to end.  The climax is the final fight.  I wanted to make the climax the clearing out of all Ralph's problems and then make the actual ending competition almost part of the wrap up.

However, with that said - I think I might rethink that, since every person who reviews the script comes around to the ending being a little anti-climactic.

Hey, I tried to do something different and it didn't work.  There are worse things that could happen!  : )

Anyway, I appreciate you seeing the good with the bad.  That I can respect and be thankful for!

Peace and love,
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Posted: July 17th, 2012, 6:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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I see that 'A Lot Like Christmas' got silver medal for Script of the Month at Talentville -- well done on that front!
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I appreciate it.  I've optioned that one twice and had it fall through.

Which is good because after each fall-through I go through and make it better.

And it's still not great.'s getting closer.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 21st, 2012, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Los Angeles
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Quoted from Forgive
I see that 'A Lot Like Christmas' got silver medal for Script of the Month at Talentville -- well done on that front!

Congrats Chazz, hope you can build momentum on that recognition.



CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Posted: July 22nd, 2012, 6:58pm Report to Moderator

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Thanks, E.D.

Looks like I'll most likely have 2 of the top 3 scripts this month also, with 2 other scripts.  Fingers crossed...let's hope they can hold on.

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Posted: July 22nd, 2012, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Staten Island, New York
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Chazz, for what it's worth, i cut through the first 15 pages like butter, and had more than a few chuckles.

I don't post here much for many of the same reasons that you cited throughout this thread((i.e. cliquish regulars who think they know it all, and who get way too bogged down in minutia (double dashes, are you fucking kidding me?), etc, etc, very tired etc.))  

Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed the pages that I read.  Carry on.


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You know what a saguaro is?
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The first rule of a comedy script is open with funny.

You did.

I've only read the first couple pages. Initially it reminds of a script I read some years ago about Jack (something), Male Flight Attendant. Very funny, but too vulgar for me at some points that kept it from going the distance.

I'll keep going.
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Posted: July 26th, 2012, 5:47am Report to Moderator

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Hey Chazz,
I read the latest draft of "The Jack Off" and you have made serious progress with it.

I never doubted your ability as a writer, you have a way to come up with a marketable concept and follow through with it for the most part. That's 90% of the battle.

As for the changes you made form the first draft, this is a much easier read, and you made a good decision to lose all the "save the cat" references.

Reading this draft though, I finally figured out why I had so many problems with your first draft, and now with the 2nd draft.
Keep in mind, I'm not ganging up on you (you gave me fantastic notes on a short script and I only intend to inform you why I have problems with your script: they are only one person's opinion, so do with them what you will)

First off, there were a lot of scenes from the Lumber Hack that felt like they were derived from movies/scripts that already exist, mainly Will Ferrel movies, who I know you wrote this for.

As a note: No actor wants to repeat themselves, so I'm calling out the following scenes with hope that you might find an alternative to them:

1:You're new "original" opening with Ralph being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today Show.... it is the opening scene of Will Ferrell's "Land of the Lost" movie" where he is interviewed by Matt Lauer... it's the same exact thing, Matt lauer being Sarcastic, Ferrell doing his thing.
The "I've never puked" bit, it's the same running joke from the Will Ferrell movie "Semi Pro", he goes through that whole dilemma with Woody Harrelson's character. Ferrell's character swears he has never puked until the first act break (exactly like yours, until he actually does seconds later)

Plus, the Paul B. Sheedy bit is almost the same exact mysterious "Chazz" /will ferrell character from Wedding Crashers.

New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.

Revision History (1 edits)
nastynate  -  July 26th, 2012, 4:20pm
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Hey Nate,

I've actually never seen Land of Lost - so thanks for pointing that out.  Definitely will need to rework that.  Maybe change it to Kathy Lee - that'd be funnier anyway.  : )

ETA: just watched the Matt Lauer scene from Land of the Lost.  Completely different context and set up and pay off...but Matt lauer is too similar.  Maybe I'll have him on First Take with Skip Bayless or do the Kathy Lee thing (cuz Kathy Lee is just funny to me).  But you're right, I need an alternative.

It's been years since I saw Semi-Pro - I don't remember the bit about puking or not puking.  What was the joke?  I can't remember it.

ETA: just went back and found the puke scene.  Yeah, it's different, but similar.  I'll definitely have to figure out an altenative.

The Paul B. Sheedy - I don't really see the correlation between the two.

But thanks for reading the new draft, and thanks for the kind comments.  Also thanks for pointing out things that I either didn't know or subconsciously missed.


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ChazzChristopher  -  July 26th, 2012, 6:40am
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Posted: August 1st, 2012, 8:40pm Report to Moderator

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Feature Script of the month this month over at Talentville.

Looks like someone thinks it is funny.  : )

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