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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Bar Haze Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 21st, 2012, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bar Haze by Ramsay Philips - Comedy - A socially awkward slacker who is prone to having regrettable one night stands with big women, stares his non-existent standards in the face, and finally sees his luck start to change. 88 pages - pdf, format



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crookedowl
Posted: December 21st, 2012, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Ramsay,

Your logline looks interesting, despite the errors. It's a long sentence, kind of awkwardly written. Plus it's pretty vague regarding your character's goals... So he stares his standards in the face, but what does that mean? Does he get a job? A date?

So I opened the script and caught some problems right off the bat. You've got some big paragraphs, which is never a good sight. Especially on your first page.

Also, you need to always start with "FADE IN:" to the left.

Your opening paragraph could be broken up into smaller paragraphs. Start a new paragraph when Philip wakes up, since it's a completely separate action.

Also, remove this line: "He has fucked up and had another one night stand with a fat chick" altogether. You're telling, not showing. How do we know this information if we're watching it on screen?

You've also got some awkwardly written sentences. ""He slowly picks the covers up off of him and gets out of bed", for example. Just write: "He gets out of bed." "He throws off the sheets, gets out of bed."

Overall, while the writing isn't bad, you've got a lot of choppy, basic sentences-- "He finds his clothes and picks them up as Whitney rustles around in bed"-- as well as some awkwardly written lines. "Philip puts the clothes over him and in his mouth."

Also, you've got a problem with constantly referring to the location. "Whitney rolls over on the bed." "Whitney lifts Philip out of the closet." They could be written as "Whitney rolls over" and "She lifts Philip up."

And again, you told us instead of showing. "He tip-toes around the room in his boxers looking for his clothes." How do we know he's looking for clothes? On film we'll just see him walking around the room. So work this information in some other way.

Don't use "uh" in dialogue, or at least not as much as you did here. Leave that to the actors, not to mention constant "uhs" don't read well.

I'm kind of concerned by the length. 88 pages is a bit light, tells me your story isn't fully fleshed out yet. (Even great films like Texas Chain Saw, at 80 mins felt too short.) So I suggest getting it closer to the 90-105 page range.

I don't mean to come across as harsh. I hope these notes help.

Will
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 25th, 2012, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Is the writer around?

I’ll go into the first few pages and if he is here, I’ll go further. I like comedy. I like to read good comedy even more. This has potential to be good comedy. Let me explain.

You have the scene down. It’s the way you’re laying it out that slowing down the comedic punch this needs. I can see what your seeing but as I’m reading it, I keep stopping and saying, wait, if he did this, it would work better.

What do I mean?

Lets take the fist page where you have our man in bed with his first lovely lady.

That opening scene should POP! But it drags though over explanation.

Here is how you have it right now.

***********

PHILIP a 22 year old in decent shape lies in bed with the
big girl WHITNEY. She has strawberry blond hair and is
45lbs. overweight. Philip wakes up and looks at her as she
sleeps. He has fucked up and had another one night stand
with a fat chick. He is confused and horrified.

He slowly picks the covers up off of him and gets out of
bed. He tip-toes around the room in his boxers looking for
his clothes. Four condom wrappers and three empty pizza
boxes are on the floor.

He finds his clothes and picks them up as Whitney rustles
around in bed. He races for the closet.

***********

It needs to be more outrageous and fun. You’re defining this guy for what he is in the ACTION lines. That’s a NO-NO. Don’t descried, SHOW.

Questions-

Why is he just in decent shape. Make him something…skinny, fat, pear shaped, something to give us an up front visual.

Why describe her hair color. Wasted space.

The whole last line about him making yet another mistake…UNFILMABLE. You need to show it on the screen, not explain it in the action lines.

############

First off, start with the room. A completely trashed room as if a tornado had passed through. On the floor, pieces of BATMAN costume’s strewn about.

The face of PHILLIP, 22, skinny, nerdy pokes through the armpit of a true heifer, WHITNEY, 23, double deuce and a quarter. Face down and completely covering Phillip, he struggles to roll her over.

Gravity wins! It’s a no-go so he struggles through her flab laden arm pit like he’s passing though a large vagina, being birthed. He slides through her flab and slides onto the floor and lands in the fetal position.

Instead of him getting all the way to the closet, have him stand up to leave and a monstrously fat hand grabs him by the shoulder. He turns to look back slowly just to see the continent sized lover with her CAT WOMAN mask on, shaking a can of whipped cream.

                          WHITNEY
                Pussy cat wants lickings again.

I know it sounds outrageous but it’s also timed to hit, hit, hit with quick chuckles.

I think you have a great voice when it comes to your writing and the comedy is good enough. Just get it paced and you could have some really funny stuff here.

Hopes this help man.

Shawn…..><

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NW3
Posted: December 26th, 2012, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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I wouldn't bother tinkering with the opening because it's pretty obvious that this script misses the mark, unless peurile gross-out is your thing, and even that is poorly done - condoms, tampons, throw-up, periods, farts, clogged toilets, all in the first pages and none of it anything to do with the story, such as it is. If "golden trojan" is intrinsically funny then perhaps I'm not getting it. This is hardly a spoiler because it's in the logline but the sum total of events is the slacker wakes up with a better looking slut at the end than the fat slut he woke up with in the beginning (if that's what is meant by luck changing). Misogynous doesn't begin to describe it.

Ramsay, if any of this is drawn from real life you have a problem. Bar boy crude sex talking doesn't make a movie. As the only adult in the script says: "Son, have some respect for yourself."
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