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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Joe Nobody Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Joe Nobody by Benjamin Tucker - Comedy - A starving artist clashes with an unemployed anarchist in a tug-of-war struggle to win a job at a tawdry, second-rate production house.  109 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: January 25th, 2013, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Benjamin.

Not sure what to make of that note following the fade in.  I would take it out and gradually explain the animation in the action lines.  The dashes in the action lines aren't necessary.

You've got your style of writing with your placement of some words but keep it simple.  No need for any fancy line work with your action lines.

I see some spanglish in your action lines too.  Cool with me.  The "again" in parentheses is unnecessary since he actually says it again.  So the goldfish is animated.  I'm getting a "who framed roger rabbit" vibe from this script.  It's fine but in terms of producing, I think it may be a tough to pull off.

Three pages in and nothing really funny yet.  If you show up, I'll continue on but I'll stop for now.  Best of luck.


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bjamin
Posted: January 25th, 2013, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Happy you gave it a look. What do you mean by show up?  I've taken the note out since this draft.

revision:

Title: Clash

Log: A diffident film grad has three days to defeat a street-savvy slacker in a no-holds-barred competition to land a job as a B-film producer's assistant. --comedy--

Synopsis: Joe is just another run-of-the-mill film student fresh out of college, with a diffident nature, working a dead-end job at his shady-uncle’s coffeehouse.   One day, while cleaning toilets, he learns of a job opening for an assistant gig to a local B-film producer.   Optimism rejuvenated, Joe sets out to jump start his idling career.   But life’s never quite that simple for poor, little Joe, and this opportunity-of-a-lifetime quickly turns into a full-fledge nightmare when he learns he must first compete for the position against an opportunistic bitchubus, named Samantha; whom is hell-bent on snatching the job for her own insidious reasons.

This is the first 30 pgs of the rewrite:
http://issuu.com/benjaminjtucker/docs/clash_bluedraftsample?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage



Revision History (47 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bjamin  -  February 19th, 2013, 9:47pm
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 25th, 2013, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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I mean that some writers will drop off a script and not reply to their critiques to show us they've been read.  Anyways, I'll see if I can come back with a more in depth review.


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bjamin
Posted: January 25th, 2013, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RegularJohn
I mean that some writers will drop off a script and not reply to their critiques to show us they've been read.  Anyways, I'll see if I can come back with a more in depth review.


Cool. Thanks.


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RegularJohn
Posted: February 1st, 2013, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Couldn't sleep so I gave this a read.

So I recommend against using copyrighted music in your script.  At least in your spec script.  Make up some lyrics or even a short rap.  I mean she set fire to a trash can and stole change from a homeless man so she seems to be living the thug life.

Commas between Samantha's "nom's".

Your introduction of Frank isn't passive but it reads that way, at least for me.  Just introduce your characters from the start.

"Venice Beach.  FRANK(mid 50's), wiry asian, blah blah..."  Mr. Slong?!  That actually made me laugh a bit.

"Joe" is written like a slug on that same page.  Don't know what that's about.

The inserts work but the one about Trish sorta came out of nowhere.  I don't know if she comes up later or if there was a mix up and she was actually supposed to be Becky.

Some of the dialogue between Joe and Skitch is a bit dashy.  I know what you're going for but try not to be too overbearing with the way they speak.  The dashes can get a little annoying and if you want interruptions, your better off killing a line with some action instead.

Read up to page 10.  Overall, the writing is pretty solid with good flow.  A bit overwritten in a few places for me but nothing too severe.  Great job so far.


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bjamin
Posted: February 1st, 2013, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again for your feedback, RJ.

I went ahead and started implementing your notes.  

I think you're right about the dashes in the DL.  I agree they are on the heavy side and can be distracting. It's something I will work on to minimalize.

The facebook inserts, I am on the fence about.   so I might be removing that altogether..  

I'm always snipping bits of dialogue out and editing descriptives so hopefully the polished draft will be a little more "tighter' as far as that goes.

Thanks, RJ.


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